Is this wrong to want to push my husband into making a decision? He is satisfied with not talking, touching or even looking at me. He is ok with living in the same house pretending I don’t exist. He is angry at the whole world and seems to be taking it out on me. He works as much as possible and sleeps the rest of the time. (His job does make him work like this) This has been going on for two years. I tried to be understanding, thinking it was his job and I need to be a good wife….but….it never ends.

I’ve tried talking to him and writing him letters but he WONT TALK AND WONT EVEN READ anything I have to say. He is completely shut down. I did get him to tell me that he was hurt when I closed him out of my life once when we had a disagreement. The difference between what I did to him and what he is doing to me now is I still loved him and treated him with respect and he knew why I was angry even though we didn’t agree.


I feel I didn’t cause any LB’s the last few years but I also didn’t work on his EN’s. I know shutting him out was a huge LB but I got over it and stopped. Now all I do is try to stay out of his way and be "nice"…until now when I have decided I have had enough! As for his EN’s, as far as I can see he doesn’t even have any emotional side. He is like a machine. I have tried to touch him and he pushes me away. I don’t yell, scream or even fight with him. He is good with the kids thank goodness and I know he loves them with all his heart. He is a good man just something is broken.

He say’s he hates everything. Job, house, new state, people (any person breathing) even life! I can’t take it any longer. He will not talk about his job, feelings or anything. I can’t live like this. I’ve been trying for two years. I can’t sleep at night and I need him to make a decision. I need him to ether work on our marriage or get it over with. But in my heart I want our marriage to work and I want to grow old with him. I want what we had so long ago. I have asked him to see a MC and he wont.

So I told him I wanted a divorce. I did a little homework and told him how we need to proceed. (Neither one of us knew the procedures) The only thing he is worried about is the visitation and money. (Which are VERY important but never once did he say he wanted to work on things.)

I told him I was going to move into one of our children’s room and he asked me why. I told him the kids might as well know something is going on between us. That way it isn’t a shock when it’s over.

He looked over some of the info I gave him said he was going to get screwed. I told him I have no intentions on “screwing” him. Which I don’t. I will be fair on EVERYTHING. Told him I will move back to our old state when this is over and he could have the kids every summer. Talked a little about Christmas, we usually go to my parents. He said he would like to stay home as a family for Christmas. I told him we did that for Thanksgiving and it sucked. It was like everyday here. I made a Thanksgiving dinner for our family and he said few words all day.

I plan on moving into the other bedroom today or tomorrow. When he sleeps at night he moves as far as he can on his side of the bed and puts a pillow between us so he can’t even see me. This hurts me so much.

So was it wrong for me to talk divorce when in my heart I want to stay married but I was just hoping to push him far enough where he will either see a MC and see how serious this is or worse comes to worse we divorce and we mess up the rest of our lives and the kids too?

I feel something had to happen or my life is going to continue like this forever.

You're asking if it was wrong to lie about what you really wanted in order to shock/manipulate your husband who is showing all the signs of clinical depression even though it risks destroying the security of your children?

um....is this a trick question?

Wings1. I am a very blunt poster so read at your own risk. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Short answer? If you really want to save your marriage, yes. It is slow today so you might have to wait for some answers from some of the wiser vets here.

A couple of things stand out. What is your sitch? Can you add it to a sig line so that it is clearer?

*Nowhere do I see any reference to Plan A.
*Have you read the recommeneded books?
*What is the problem with you H and you?
*Is or was he a WS?
*What are your H's top ENs?
*What are your top ENs?
*WHat are you doing to fulfill them?
*What have you done to show your H positive changes in you?

And the most important thing, imho.

You cannot FORCE anyone to do anything.

You are trying to manipulate your H into doing something you want.

You can change only you and how you react to things.

So, what are you going to do if he agrees with what you have said and files for divorce?

YOu say you haven't LBed but in the next sentence, you say you shut him out. And staying out of his way and be "nice" is a DJ and a huge LB. YOu don't sound sincere in being "nice" It sounds manipulative.



DJ imho. And he TOLD you that you hurt him. THat is an emotion right there. And when you said that you couldn't agree but he knew why you were angry, what did you do to resolve the disagreement? POJA?

How do you know what his emotional side is?
Has he filled out the EN questionnaire?
HAve you asked him?
What about POJA?
What about negotiation?

wings1 MC might not be a possibility with him. BUt IC might help you come to terms with the sitch.

If you can't do that. READ READ READ. All of the books that are recommended. THey will help you understand and own your issues and what your contributions to the current state of things is/was.

wings1, you really can only change you and how you react to things.

Wings,
It sounds like your spouse is in withdrawel.

The concepts of MB is Plan A and Plan B.

Plan A

The Carrot and the Stick.

The carrot being, working on yourself to become the best possible person you can be to attract your spouse back.

The Stick part is exposing the affair to friends and family in (ideal scenerio, one well thought and planned out exposure plan) in order to allow the spouse to see what his affair actually is, tawdry and disgusting.


Plan B

Seperation and having no contact with spouse.

I have a question for you Wings, is your husband in an affair, or out of one recently??

Is his behavior considered normal or out of character?

How long has your husband's behavior towards you been like it is today?

How long have you been married?

Wings, you have come to the right place for support. I don't know what I would have done without the advice of all the experienced posters that have been down the same road as most betrayed and wandering spouses.

It would be very helpful to read up on Plan A and Plan B.

Plan A is taking most of the focus and turning it inward, to make positive changes in yourself.

When all is said and done, we are only in control of our own behavior.

We can change the things in ourselves that has helped to create a bad marriage.

We cannot change the wandering spouse.

We can help the wandering spouse by holding up the mirror to see what everyone else is seeing. This is exposing the affair to family and friends.


Keep on posting, and hang in there.


K.D.'s Heartbreak

I have read three of Dr. Harley's books and I understand and agree with everything he is teaching. I have tried to talk to him, rub his feet, give him a back rub after a hard day...he wont let me touch him. I have even tried to SF with him and he pushes me away. The problem is my H wont work with me or let me work on him. Yes, I am manipulating him and I know that but what else can I do. We have been in this spot for two years.

If he chooses to divorse then we will. I feel I don't have a choice. I'm not going to live like this anymore and if he wont work with me what is left?

We have been married 18 years. We never resolved any problems just moved right over them. And we seemed ok with that. Which I now know was wrong. Maybe we got married to young. I was 19 and he was 22.

The big problem we had was when we wanted a vacestomy and at the last minute (month before V-date) I changed my mind. (I wanted to wait a little longer, I wasn't sure I was ready to make that decision. Plus religion played into it. I wasn't asking for another child) He had the vasectomy anyways. I WAS CRUSHED. I felt like my opinion didn't matter. For a long time I was just shut down....like he is now...but I was talking to him and still had SF with him. Just was distant.

So this behavior is and isn't out of character. We never talked about small problems, just got over them in a few days. (other then the v it took longer) But it has only been the last two years (new job, new state that he was totally shut down) I now know problems don't go away and we should have worked on little ones and big ones sooner.

So as for plan A, he never was a WS as far as I know and neither am I. I tried to do things that I thought he would like with no response. Tried to get him to go on "dates" and he said NO.

I think most of our marriage I focused on our children and he focused on work. That is where we are today. I understand what went wrong but he is shut down and wont budge. So how do I get him to STOP and Take a look at me now?

Is this wrong to want to push my husband into making a decision?

well it's not wrong...it's futile...you don't push people in to making decisions...

you make decisions for yourself...you decide you no longer want to live this way....and you move from there....

you say you want him to decide something...yet with his actions his decision is and has been staring you in the face..

he has NO interest in being a spouse to you or anyone...
period...

he already has decided...

my suggestion is you plan A him the whole way through your divorce....

meaning you tell him over and over again..kindly and nicely that while you don't want a divorce you have absolutely no interest in living with a spouse who
does not talk
does not touch
does not share
does not love...

and while you would like nothing more in this world to have and create that type of marriage with him...
the truth is that through his actions that he has made it perfectly clear that is NOT something he desires..

and you know that staying there with nothing changing from the way they are today that would destroy you...
and you can not do it...

but say it lovingly...

So I told him I wanted a divorce. I did a little homework and told him how we need to proceed.

this is bull though...you got a conflict avoider...(as are you)...
you got a man not motivated to do A N Y T H I N G...so you go ahead and do all his homework on divorce...

bull caa-caa...if he needs to know he is going to have to get up off his butt and find out...
you're not his mommy...
let him figure this out...
otherwise you are just continually protecting him from the consequences of his choices...

his choice to treat you like a non entity...
and then you hold his hand through legal issues...

his learning curve will remain a nice flat line as long as you do things like that...

I told him I was going to move into one of our children’s room and he asked me why.

are you saying you are moving in with one of your children...that's wrong...they deserve their own space and privacy...

Told him I will move back to our old state when this is over and he could have the kids every summer.

denying the children direct access to their father is also wrong..and they will blame you...you need to stay put..live on the same street if you can....

He said he would like to stay home as a family for Christmas.
ask him lovingly why he does not act like a family then...

even if clinically depressed there is still onus of getting help...
even Jesus asks do you want to be healed...then pick yourself up.........
not wallow wallow wallow and drag all you can down with you...

he needs to make decisions for himself...
and you doing all the work is just the same old same old..

ARK

Is or did your H have an A or A's? Has he gone to the doctor to check his physical condition?

L.

Don't try to manipulate him. IF you have no hope that he is going to meet your most important EN and stop his LB then you must start preparing a future without him [Better to divorce than to fall into an affair which will cause more destruction and misery for everybody]. Take into consideration the needs of your children as well as far your decision to move to another state. Many men whose children are taken away to live in another state, end up emotionally divorcing themselves from them, is that what you want for them?.

IF divorce is what you really want then you must start developing a plan for living on your own. You must avoid becoming extremenly dependent on your H's child support payments. You must also start conditioning yourself to face coming home to an empty bed after a hard day's work and that it may take YEARS before you find and marry another man. Is this a future that appeals to you?

Seems to me like he might be depressed. Does he hate his job? I wonder if he would be open to anti-depressants? Probably not, most men aren't.

WAIT....... b4 you jump to conclusions rule out the obvious...... get him checked out by a doctor or determine if he is having an A.

L.

He wont see the MD either. (I wish he would..I talked to his MD about him already and the MD told me I needed to get H to come in, but you can't make him)

I'm sure he isn't or hasn't had any A. In fact he says if we divorce he will NEVER have another woman.

He has talked more today. Guess he must be thinking a little more. Plus he didn't go into work.

He even made a joke today....the first in a LONG time. He put on a pair of jeans and said they must have shrunk! LOL

Please keep up with the great advice...I need all I can get!!!

How did he get the new job, and does he hate it?

Here I am again. (2 a.m.) The middle of the night and can't sleep.

H job was a promotion/transfer. I don't know if he HATES it but I know it is very stressful and he works 15 hour days five/six days a week. He is a working machine. I asked him once if he would step down from his position and he said no.

Sunday after we had the divorce talk he was nicer. His mom and step dad came to visit and H volunteered to do some grocery shopping while I did some housework and I thanked him. He was a little talkative during the visit. It was nice. After they left he said a few words about dinner which really suprised me and fell asleep on the lazy boy.

I can see the problems we are having. He is working to many hours and he is VERY tired. I beg him to take vacation time and he wont. He throws away weeks of vacation every year. He is tired and I am needy. What a cycle! How do I get off this rollar coaster without loosing him?

The line about never marrying again is that, just a line. Often said to the BS to throw the scent of the A elsewhere.

As for your H working too hard, what's his company's policy about giving away too much vacation? You know a dedicated worker is one thing but to have that endless drive to the brink of a breakdown is not healthy for any employee, dedicated or not.

His cycle isn't healthy for him, his family or his employer. So why does he do it? There is another reason. U need to find it or he needs to tell you.

L.

Vacation policy is use it or loose it. This year the kids and I took a week vacation w/o him because he wouldn't take any time off and I thought the kids deserved a vacation. (H gets four weeks a yr)

H say's his boss even works more hours then him. I have never met anyone at his new work place....maybe this is bad, he has been there a 1 1/2 yrs. But even at his other location jobs I didn't know many people he worked with. He likes to leave work at work. He often say's he is "sick" of people so when he gets home he wants to be alone/ with family.

Ever sense we've been married H has given his ALL into his work. He was driven like this when he was in college also.

???? I don't know!

Hm.... that vacation policy doesn't make sense. Lose it or cash out sounds more like the norm.

I am a workaholic (by trade)....... still his babble doesn't jive. His stories are not making sense. Something smells. Like a big stinkin' rat.

L.

When you say to your husband in a loving caring way...that you miss being with him sexually and miss cuddling with him and mis touching him...
what his response...

ARK

Ok, this may be off base, but here goes.

Is it possible that he was having an affair back where you used to live and is now in withdrawal being away from her??

Just curious?

Have you looked at books or articles describing the signs of an affair????

K.D.'s Heartbreak

Your husband sounds so like mine. Not communicating, no SF not even touching, workaholic, won't consider depression, won't go to counselling. Mine strung me along for more than 2 years like that and then I found out there was an A. Does he have a cellphone that you can access or computer? You could have been talking about my WH so I wouldn't be at all surprised if his mind is occupied with somebody else. You also sound like me. You seem to avoid conflict and try to make his life easier. It got me nowhere so I'd definitely try to form a plan. TT

Well it did cross my mind. He had a special lady friend who he worked with. They did things together and he always told me. Her daughter used to babysit for us. When H was at her house her daughter was always there. This lady is married and H even helped him work on their farm. That was the connection with this lady. H loves farm life. But I don't think A. I really do think friendship because nothing was hidden.