Hi folks,

I'm not sure if this has been covered before(probably) but I have not seen a thread about it in some time and am curious what you are doing regarding the topic.

When you have been dating and want to be intimate with that special someone,how do you go about making sure your BF/GF doesn't have any STD or history of medical problems that could affect you? Are you being open about it on the first few dates? Do you ask for a "bill of health" from their respective doctor? How do you even broach a subject like this?

I guess I am thinking that once I date again I would want to know from a medical standpoint( meaning a physical) that there was nothing to worry about.I don't think I could just trust what the person said.That to me is foolish.

Thanks for any replies.

O

Well, octobergirl, I have asked straight out after the first kiss and it was like the kiss of death for the relationship. Now I am doing things differently but it depends on how you communicate. Do you feel you can ask if it's an issue with him? If he is considerate and answers the question in depth then he won't mind testing at some point. I wouldn't demand the test as a condition. If he doesn't answer or doesn't want to go into it enough for you, then maybe it's best to get to know him better, until he does open up naturally.

My experience is that if he doesn't open up naturally, he's not trusting yet, and then it's better not to be intimate anyway. You can put it in his mind a few times and if he really cares about being intimate he will get the hint.

As for getting the test itself I thought it was a good idea to go to, but if I trusted a man and his life, I would let him go on his own.

My worst shortcoming is getting a little too close and then asking, by then it sounds like whining and then I get brushed off. So better to keep it cool when you ask.

Good Luck and it's a very good question. Without a doubt if he doesn't want to wear a condom for some "medical" reason, don't get close.

Natalie

Maybe I am missing something, but can you not have this talk at the same time that you discuss birth control? I presume you do have the birth control as well as the "what to do if it fails" discussion before becoming intimate, right? And if so, the STD discussion would be a logical and simple follow-on.

BTW, I believe that a test does not necessarily mean an "all clear", so a discussion regarding past sex partners is warranted, at the very least.

Then again, there are condoms.

Gosh, this reminds me of why I hate dating <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />.

AGG

AGG what about those women who no longer need to worry about birth control?

Good point. Then you just skip the first two sentences of my reply, realizing that tests and discussion of sex partners guarantee nothing. Then again, neither does a condom.

Your best bet is getting to know the person really well before getting intimate.

AGG

yep <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Talk about those things. If you can't talk about them, you have no business being physically intimate. And if you can't trust them enough to feel like you can believe their answers, don't have sex with them. Condoms are good the first few times anyway, at least while more trust is built.

Hi everyone,

Natalie,

I don't mind asking a potential mate about this topic but wondered when a good time was.I haven't had to date in SO many years.It's all going to be new to me again.I just don't know if I could trust someone to be honest just by saying so.I obviously have issues with that after being through my WH's A.I don't want to cross examine anyone but I also would like to see concrete evidence of no health issues that could affect me.I admit I am not looking forward to all that.It was nice not having to worry being married.No chance of pregnancy either since my WH had a vasectomy.Oh well.

AGG,

Discussing the issue along with birth BC sounds like a good idea.It will just feel weird I suppose to have to talk about all that again after so long.I would expect to see tests or information about disease not curable(i.e. herpes,HIV,etc).But I also wonder if past sexual history is appropriate? Are people here doing that? If it's just related to medical issues then I could do that.I am not sure I want to go down the path of knowing all my potential BF's past partners.You can't exactly separate the partners from the medical aspect.Ugh.More weirdness.Maybe I will hate dating too.Who knows.

AGE,
One day it will be nice not to have to think about birth control when I am older but I'm not yet so it's still a concern if I date.One I wish I didn't have to face AGAIN.blah <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Faith,

I feel like I will be able to talk about anything with a new partner.I have always been comfortable and open about most topics.Porn,that's another story.I can get very mad about that and debate like he** so if my potential BF is into that,I am gone.Condoms.Well,it's giving me the willies just thinking about that future.I may just never date! LOL

Much to ponder.Thanks to everyone who replied.

O

Just realize that tests are not guarantees. I believe (could be wrong) that HIV cannot be detected for six months, so if you are with someone who only contracted it two months ago, their tests would come out clean. Which is why the next part is important...


Well, I don't do that for a cheap thrill, but it does make a difference if my potential partner had 1 partner in the last two years vs 7 partners in the past few months.

AGG

To me too AGG but one could only assume they are being honest and well,I just don't have much faith in many people these days.I don't expect that to change much while I date too.I am sure going to be a lot of fun for someone. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> Does the skepticism and distrust ever go away? Probably not completely.



I am all too aware of these facts being an RN but it still comes down to honesty about your past.I've been witness to many tragic events with people and illnesses including STD's and HIV infected partners,women too.

How do you begin to open up to another person again after so much heartache and dishonesty? The way it feels to me now is that it is a HUGE risk.I'm hoping one day I will view dating as fun and exciting,meeting someone new but I also feel like I have to have this list of credentials first before I will even give a man the chance.Even then it could be a sham.

I guess like many here I just don't want to be hurt ever again(If only).If I stay alone then that won't happen.I am perfectly fine living on my own now and taking care of my daughters and my beautiful home.

Anyway,I'm sounding so negative,sorry.Thanks for your input.

O

O-Girl -

I'm right behind you. I'm just waiting a couple more weeks for my divorce. I plan on going out immediately. It has been 3 long years.

Also, I plan no sex.

And if I do ever marry again, I will need to see a clear test from the doctor. I did get tested 3 times, and it was not difficult. As long as they are drawing blood for anything, why not throw in an HIV test?

I would not trust someone to be truthful. That is just me. After all, I trusted my WH who I'd known for 15 years, and he lied. So why wouldn't someone else? Also they may not know that they have been exposed. Even someone who has been married and faithful can be exposed by their spouse.

Octobergirl, luckily men who are dating are super aware of any conversation that relates to sex and birth control so you don't have to be that ambiguous. Men who are recently divorced or haven't dated much might say something like, whatever we decide, or I don't think about it much-but most are not like that. Most will perk up the second you mention anything about past relationships, or birth control, or sex. Some men will get very scared at any sign of insecurity because they do not want to take any responsibility.

these men are best to be avoided.

The others will jump right in and tell you their opinions regarding relationships. It's not just one issue, they will tell the entire story, their ex, her method, their failures, and happy times. You have to be patient and listen to the entire story from start to finish and somewhere in that story is the answer you are looking for-such as does he use birth control-does he believe in it, what kind and so on.

After he has released some honest information, then talk about your past such as my ex had a vasectomy what a relief! And then look to your new guy and see what he says.

If he just sits there and looks blank, keep prodding. You could say it's so easy when there is no worry, my ex was STD free and birth control was easy too. Then ask him, did you ever have a relationship like that? And so on. Your new guy should give up the truth easily.

If it's like pulling teeth then forget it, he knows what you are doing and for some reason doesn't want to let on WHAT he did before. If he does that he doesn't like to take responsibility as possibly his ex g/f did all the work.


I recently dated a man who was a real dream, very sexy and sweet and relationship material. When the time came for us to be intimate he told me he didn't like birth control. Because, you know, it just doesn't feel right.

So I prodded and prodded but he kept saying no condom, no control at all, he didn't like the idea, it was cheap and tacky. He didn't date much after his divorce and he wanted to be the one to control himself.

So if I kept prodding I would be rejecting him as his mind was already made up.

In every case no matter what answer you get, have some sort of answer that won't hurt his feelings or make him feel like you just put him out of the running for sex.

Such as, I wanted to know more about you, I am not planning on being intimate with anyone right now. Or I feel comfortable talking to you this way.

It's a very delicate time so knowing when to stop and not make it an issue is important.

There are some surprising answers.

Take Care,
Natalie

my answer would depend on what kind of relationship you are having with the person.

if you are having casual sex, slip a condom on them (or put one on yourself) and ask them if there is anything you should know about health-wise. you have to protect yourself regardless of how they answer. they may not know the correct answer, even if they are telling you what they think is the truth.

if you are taking it slow and building towards a serious relationship in which sex comes after a long courtship and lots of emotional intimacy, don't wait until you are in bed. bring the subject up away from and well before a sexual situation, when you feel it is the right moment. ask them to get STD screening before you are intimate. even with the STD screening, always use a condom. exposure to a new person's body chemistry can trigger an infection, even if there is no STD involved.

do not stop using condoms until 1. you are in a mutually declared monogamous and long-term relationship and 2. both of you have been completely cleared of any STDs using current medical tests.

getting a personal sexual history is irrelevant as far as disease is concerned. it only takes exposure from one person to give someone an STD. there are people with multiple partners who are very careful and disease-free, and people who have had only one partner who have herpes, warts, or HIV, and they may not know it.

also, very important: always closely inspect your partner's genitalia for signs of disease before proceeding, and stop if you notice anything unusual. ask about it.

whether it's casual or serious, don't get into bed with someone you don't feel you can have these conversations with!

... And I think it's just - luck.