As could I and I’m not that far from writing one with the lengthy posts I have been submitting <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />. One day a few weeks ago I decided to write a journal as a reminder of what I have been going through in our M along with other things. I stared at the wall and let my heart tell my fingers what to write. When I read it afterwards I was surprised. It was 8 pages and didn’t take that long to write. Still surprised with the truth I wrote and didn’t realize it until I read it. My W stole my journal 2 weeks ago and read it at the hospital lol. I was upset when I found out and called her nurse to get it back. She was done reading it but boy was she in trouble by her nurses and psych’s. They said she would have to deal with the ramifications of this one. All she could say was I was right about everything (thank god she is seeing it now). It made her sad and put her in more of a depression for a few days because she realized what she has become over the years. I must admit I am glad she stole it.

I hope your H finds success in his job hunt and hope all works out for you too. I can hear your concerns and pain and I kind of feel bad that I am exploding my story of 12 years with which we have so much in common with mentally ill S’s. I am certainly not intentionally trying to scare you that the painful things our S’s do will not end rather only that my experiences have lasted much longer (way too long). I hope for both our sakes that there is a “cure” that will stop our S’s from being so “me” oriented and doing wrong rather than right.

It has been 12 very long years and feels double that now with the hurt I am going through and other issues I must get over. For a while I felt betrayed by everyone that should have helped me. This included my parents and family. My parents invested a large sum of money in my company without my consent as I didn’t want to involve family. But my partner and parents persisted. Needless to say, the pressure from my partners and parents over the last year (and other family members as my parents included them to aid in their efforts to push) was overwhelming.

When my W told me about the A at the hospital she didn’t show any remorse or guilt (at least it didn’t seam like it). The doctors assessed her and decided that it was a family dispute because of the A and sent her home. Later that night we argued, I mostly yelled, for a while and she saw the hurt I was feeling. I expressed my thoughts of suicide over the last 3 months due to the betrayal of my partners and family. I told her that the only thing that kept it together for me during these difficult 3 months was her. Even though she pushed me away, I felt it would change once I was done with the trade show (same weekend she had the A). I tried to talk to her about it but again couldn’t due to the pushing away from her and also because I wanted to protect her as I knew she couldn’t handle any pain from me. I felt betrayed by all prior to the A and now she had betrayed me and I felt I had nothing left. I was determined to end it that night. Thank God I managed to overcome it but truthfully she had her chance to try again before I could. I found her in the bathroom and almost lost her. It took days before she was coherent from her overdose. Since then I have been visiting her almost every day. Why? I don’t know. I guess I am trying to understand and will never be able to. I guess I am trying to see or find something that will help me feel better. But I know now that it will never be the same after so much has happened over the years (not as it was before).

The only thing I have is my children but that goes only so far. Everyone needs someone that can help you find your way and talk about your problems. This site is phenomenal but yet again only goes so far. You need someone close to your heart that you have known for a long time and this is usually your family. The only other person I felt this close too that never betray me is now deceased (God bless her). Kind of weird but I started dreaming about her a week after I found out about the A. She was my great aunt and she help my parents raise my brother and I while they were in school. This betrayal is all around me and I can’t seem to break free from it. But yet I know there is another and that is God and I am trying hard to rebuild my faith so I can regain some self confidence knowing that there is someone who hasn’t betrayed me.

My children are sad and miss their Mom. They only understand that she is because of her work and that the doctors are trying to help her organize her time better so she can spend more time with the kids. This really put them at bay and are looking forward to gaining more time with her.

Its hard to support those that have betrayed you and are irrational isn’t it?

WorthIt

OK, I promise, after the last lengthy post they will be much shorter. Thank you all for reading my stories and helping me through this time.

I can hear your concerns and pain and I kind of feel bad that I am exploding my story of 12 years with which we have so much in common with mentally ill S’s. I am certainly not intentionally trying to scare you that the painful things our S’s do will not end rather only that my experiences have lasted much longer (way too long). I hope for both our sakes that there is a “cure” that will stop our S’s from being so “me” oriented and doing wrong rather than right.
Worthit, I understand by your story the reality of how long and how far the illness can take someone. But I still don't believe it "has" to be that way. It takes a strong person to stay, knowing the risks. It's just not fair, it's not what a marriage is destined to be.

My H case manager told me some can stay in the marriage, and hold on, but some can't, it's just too painful.
He also told me I should have known. I didn't think that was fair, because the whole time I have known my husband, 7 yrs, he had never done this until now. So how was I to know?? I thought he was healthy, except for a few lies, and a few hospital stays due to med changes.
But his case manager has known him much longer. His case manager was "overjoyed" when we got married also!! So I don't get it.

For a while I felt betrayed by everyone that should have helped me. This included my parents and family. My parents invested a large sum of money in my company without my consent as I didn’t want to involve family. But my partner and parents persisted. Needless to say, the pressure from my partners and parents over the last year (and other family members as my parents included them to aid in their efforts to push) was overwhelming.
It's been a lot on your plate, how could they expect you to feel different. I would hope they would be more supporting of you. You and the children really needed that too. Is there any way you could work things out with the Co. partners or are they really trying to toss you aside? I thought you were the owner, can they do that?

Even though she pushed me away, I felt it would change once I was done with the trade show (same weekend she had the A). I tried to talk to her about it but again couldn’t due to the pushing away from her and also because I wanted to protect her as I knew she couldn’t handle any pain from me. I felt betrayed by all prior to the A and now she had betrayed me and I felt I had nothing left. I was determined to end it that night. Thank God I managed to overcome it but truthfully she had her chance to try again before I could.
From what I know now, and as you mentioned, The pushing away usually happens drastically. It's like the big warning sign! I'm glad you made it through, but unfortunately your W didn't. Are you taking AD's?

I found her in the bathroom and almost lost her. It took days before she was coherent from her overdose. Since then I have been visiting her almost every day. Why? I don’t know. I guess I am trying to understand and will never be able to. I guess I am trying to see or find something that will help me feel better.
That's sad Worthit, the depression took her down that bad.
I find that a person isn't usually depressed before an A, it's after. And a person that is ill, the depression is 100 times worse.

This betrayal is all around me and I can’t seem to break free from it. But yet I know there is another and that is God and I am trying hard to rebuild my faith so I can regain some self confidence knowing that there is someone who hasn’t betrayed me.
All things are possible with God Worthit. Do you have a bible to read? If not you should really get one, and start reading in the book of John. Find a good Christain bible believing church, and go. It will help you.

My children are sad and miss their Mom.
Yeah, they must miss her alot, and will feel better when she is home. My H mother was Bipolar also. Every time she ended up in the hospital, his dad would tell them she was there because of "bad nerves." <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> She died at age 41. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Lady

That was not right to say of your H's case manager. How inconsiderate of him!

Legally, the company partners can overturn me but I don't think they are trying. In fact they couldn’t as I am technically a single point failure of the company. They would have a real hard time keeping the company going without me (I don’t think they could truthfully and this adds to my stress knowing that the company’s burdens are on my plate). They’ve only pacified and patronized my W and I in order to get me to put in the hours I did along with financial burdens. They didn’t meet most of the financial strain and lead us on with financial support to make me work harder. They threatened to get me to work, etc. Now the company is paying my salary and is doing much better financially but it only goes so far and they will not aid in my efforts to gain more financial stability within my house hold.

I am not on AD’s. I was for a while but it didn’t agree with me. I don’t take pills for anything, not even a headache, so when I do it really screws me up. I told the doc and he asked if I wanted a different prescription and I said no because of the effects it was doing to me I couldn’t watch the kids with the effects.

I will be picking up a bible today as I planned to do all week.