Many of you know my story, if you don't I sure you can find it in a search under my name. I thought we were well on the road to recovery but my wife and I went out and she got very drunk and passed out. She normally always keeps a tight watch on her cell phone, but with her being passed out that wasn't the case. I noticed the phone was on vibrate and kept going off. It was the band guy. He was messaging her to ask if she had a good time the other day. I was shocked. What did he mean by this? I kept asking myself. I've been sitting on this for days now and can't understand if she met up with him and what all they did or talked about. My wife has been pretty honest with me since it all hit ground zero. I just can't believe this. This is a major set back. I'm not sure what is meant about it or how to handle it.

I of course wrote back and said "What do you mean", but he wrote back and didn't say anything to answer my question, all he said was "I'm leaving for North Carolina for three days and I would like to talk to you when I come back on Wednesday, I miss you like the ground misses the sunshine", I felt sick immediately and very angry, and betrayed.

I know my wife has admitted a few times that she does miss him and misses their texts and interaction which really hurt me. I can't for the life of me figure out what exactly he has that I don't. He is older than I am, not that great looking, I don't get it. He is himself going through a divorce. I can't piece all this together. Like I said this is a major setback for us. Thanks for any advice. I feel really down <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I don't have any advice for you DC fan,
just some sympathy.
It is so hard when you think they have finally broken contact and this happens.
Those w/s sure no how to lie, don't they? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Hang in there,

K.D.'s Heartbreak

Do you have access to both of your cell phone logs online? [your phone and her phone]

Is the OM still living with his W? Where does she live?

Is your wife an alcoholic?

Did she write a NC letter to the OM?

Do you know her whereabouts 24/7?

Sounds to me like you need to take my suggestion of swapping cell phones. AND it sounds like she needs to start being a LOT more accountable to you on her whereabouts and actions!

Definitely looks like you've still got contact going on...both ways.

You need to keep up plan A (show her what she stands to lose in you...be the best possible 'you' you can be) and keep pushing for her to take the actions she needs to.

Specifically...she HAS to end all contact. She HAS to become an open book to you. NO MORE SECRETS.

I would seriously talk with your wife about getting a restraining order against band-boy...let him know that he's stalking and it's NOT welcome.

Hang in there friend. It's not an easy road.

I am looking over her logs right now. It doesn't show that she has sent anything to him, other than what I wrote so I'm not sure what is going on here.

I don't know her whereabouts 24/7 because I work so damn much. I need to talk to my boss about taking more time off at the evenings to spend at home. It's kind of hard because I'm the manager over the entire north texas plants. So when theres a problem I have to go no matter what.

No my wife's not an alcoholic. We drink on occassion but not overly often. She might have a glass of wine or two on the weekends. Other than that she isn't alcoholic and I've called home just a now and asked her what it was all about and she said she didn't know because she hasn't seen him since the blow up at the bar. She swears it. She says that while she misses talking to him she doesn't text him back because she knows better, plus she said I have access to her logs and everything else. So she wouldn't do that and she is serious about making our marriage work. She says that she was out with her friend Candie up at the mall having lunch when she went to pay her mobile bill. I do know that the OM works next to the mall so maybe it was possible that he was there at the same time and saw them lunching and decided to try and text to get her to talk to him.

An NC letter was written, and he was served with it via Certified/verified signature serving. He lives about forty five minutes from our house. He doesn't live with his W but he lives with her mother, and that's odd. I do know that they are going through a divorce because my best friend is his soon to be exW's brother. I am not exactly sure what to do from this point. It's as if he thinks if he keeps chasing her that he will get somewhere. It's disappointing and very disheartening to have to go through this. I have her cell phone today and she has mine, and I can tell you that he has already text four times this morning to tell her how much the NC weather would be more enjoyable with her there to share a bottle of wine at night and soft exchanges. Sick! I'm pissed!

DC, I think you are right to swap the phones. Why not text him back and tell him she has given you her phone because he won't quit harrassing her and that you are getting his texts. Tell him the next step is a restraining order if he doesn't cease and desist NOW.

p.s. it might also be a good idea to have a heart to heart with your boss and get some time off in the evenings. Now is not a good time to be away frm home.

DC,

The fact that she willingly swapped phones with you is a good sign. She may have slipped up and had contact. Slimeball may have forced it. Unfortunately slip up's are quite common. Try not to overreact...keep up your Plan A.

FYI, when my FWW was in the fog there is no way she would have switched phones with me. I would have been called every name in the book for just suggesting it. She would have viewed it as "controlling". Thus it appears to me your wife is trying.

The text message suggested above should be from both you and your wife and reaffirm no contact with restraining order threat (follow through with it if he continues). Then mention that you will have this cell phone from now on so continued contact on it will be futile.

Mr. Wondering

DC,

You might want to text him back telling him to "F*** Off you low life piece of s***" or words to that effect. What could it hurt??

But maybe this would lead the scumbag to more outrageous acts.

Better to stay silent, specially because of the NC.

Couldn't you hire a couple of "goodoleboys" from one of your plants to "talk" to bandguy?

"" Sick! I'm pissed!""

Keep thinking that the scumbag doesn't even know he is texting you! It is you and your W against bandguy.

And yes it seems to be getting close to stalking. Since the NC letter, he is still contacting her against her wishes.

File charges!!

k

DC,

""He is older than I am, not that great looking, I don't get it.""

Could it be "bad boy" fantasy including the text sex (instead of phone sex)which went way past the "flirting" stage?

k

DC,

Try to keep your cool ok? Set backs like this are common and we don't even know for sure if your WW actually knew about this text or if the slime is just testing the waters.You both have to remain a united front against this user.

Withdrawal is also common and *expected.As much as she might not want to admit all the feelings she had,he was like a drug( a bad one) and she was addicted,to whatever degree.She will need more time to get over that.I told you before this will be a long haul and as much as you were hopeful about recovery,it NEVER goes smoothly.Not for a loooong time.

Ignore the slimeball,stick to your plans,try to get some time off from work and change cell phones as the other's suggested and keep reading,counseling and stay strong.I also agree with Mel,the threat of a restraining order may just give this guy pause as to how far he is willing to continue his contact attempts.

O

Wouldn't luck have it. Slimebag actually called my wife's cell and at first I wasn't going to answer it, but instead I did. I wanted to hear what he had to say. He was shocked to hear my voice on the other end and even demanded to know what I was doing with W's cell phone. I asked him why the ****** was he texting my wife to ask if she had fun yesterday and as I noted before he works near the mall and he said that he saw her with her friend eating lunch. Then he went on to say that he is just friends with my wife and that he isn't trying to do anything. I have warned him to not contact my wife again because I have the cell phone and any further contact will remedy a restraining order. He laughed at me and said he will be contacting my wife whether or not I like it. I am beginning to get very pissed off. What the ****** is wrong with people? Why do people go so crazy over a person. It makes no sense.

I believe you should inform your wife immediately about this conversation and calmly explain you are going to be making an appointment with an attorney to consider, draft and file a retraining order. She must get on board with this as he is harassing her not you.

You must take OM at his word. You got him kicked out of the band. This has become a personal competition with you to him and I fear he will continue trying to contact your wife no matter what you or she says. It may still be flattering to your slightly fogged out wife so you must protect her from this slimeball and from herself.

Mr. Wondering

Has he GOTTEN the NC letter? and was it written by your WIFE and not you?

In the NC letter - if it was your wife - was she very blunt that she wanted nothing to with him?

I had written a NC email and a NC phone call...but they were nice letters and words...and OM still tried to contact me for a month later - esp if he didn't see me ona mutual website we went too - worried that H was stopping me, etc...

It took a VERY blunt letter ent by registered mail, and informing his wife to make the contact stop.

If it hadn't stopped a restraining order would have been next.

Was the NC letter written by your wife and was it BLUNT - that means NO niceness in it....

I suggest you calmly get her on-board with this restraining order. Try to the extent possible to get her to OK going forward with this as WW's have a way of calling us BS's "controlling". Attempt to make this her decision and utilize his words and threats to help WW internalize that he is not her friend but rather a predator.

It would be a good time to discuss and read about the MB Policy of Joint Agreement (POJA). Explain to WW that you two, as husband and wife, must together address this situation.

Good luck,
Mr. Wondering

DC,

"" He laughed at me and said he will be contacting my wife whether or not I like it.""

The guy is a freak! AND A LOSER!!

Now it is a competition between you and him. He is a big talker over the phone, but he didn't sound too tough when you confronted them.

He will be contacting your wife whether you OR SHE (NC LETTER?), likes it or not. Rather perplexing, I must say.

Either contact the police or the goodoleboys. You should not dirty your hands with this scumbag.

k

Don't feel down DCF - this is withdrawal 101 pure & simple. It's gonna take at least 4 weeks for your wife to get over this.

You've checked her records and seen she hasn't responded. You can't hold her responsible for band-boy's actions. Seems to me from what you said that she is giving it a good shake here and is being straight with you.

Don't be down, be happy. Withdrawal is a good sign, not a bad one. If you haven't already, READ the "Coping with infidelity" FAQ's - they will help you both through this time.

My wife & I were both going crazy and flying blind until I discovered those FAQ's and this site. They saved our marriage! Seriously.

Hi all,

I went to my chain of command yesterday (the VP of the company) and told him everything. I really felt low admitting that my wife was in an EA and almost a PA. I felt like I had nothing. The thing about it is the VP said he knows exactly what that is like since his wife and he went through the same thing almost a year ago. He was understanding and said that I do not have to work any longer after 4pm on the weekdays and I am not going to be traveling anymore for at least six months, no weekend work. I'm pleased. He also mentioned this website, how funny. He gave me some of the Harley's books and information, then recommended a good MC. He went onto to say that this is all very confidential and he will not share this with anyone else as he knows what it feels like to feel crushed over something without having other people know about it.

Then I arrived home and my wife cooked a pretty nice meal for us all, first time in a long time, she had candles on the table and made salmon and rice, she even made dessert. She did all the housework that day, which I had intended to do, Plan A'ing you know, she said she was bored and needed something to do (she can't text bandboy). We sat down to have our meal and listen to the children talk about all the Christmas stuff going on in school when her phone went off, it was him again. I looked at my wife and shook my head. I didn't want to answer the phone in front of the children. We ate dinner and turned the phone off. I helped clear the dishes and we washed them together, that felt good, something she and I have not done since we were first married. We spent time with the kids until it was bedtime and tucked them in and then we went off to the room to watch a movie that I had bought my wife a few days ago.

This is where it gets interesting. I know the guy has received the NC letter written by my wife and yes it was pretty harsh. I guess when you think about all you have to lose you want to get rid of the problem that may cause you to lose it so my wife was pretty blunt and harsh with the guy. Anyway I turned the phones back on and there were 8 voice messages. All from him. My wife looked at me and the look on her face said it all. She said "What is his problem?", I shrugged my shoulders. My wife grabbed her phone and called his cell on speakerphone so I could hear every last word. This guy is truly desperate. He told my wife that she really did want to talk to him but I was restraining her and that he saw me out with another woman one time when I had to go and find my best friend. He said that my best friend has told him on several occassions that I'm seeing my secretary at the office. This really made me mad. My wife told him to knock it off and stop calling and texting or she was going to go and put a restraining order on him, that he was too old to be acting like this and that he needed to get a grip it wasn't the end of the world.

Now what was something of an annoyance is starting to scare me. I'm worried for my wife's well being and possibly my own. This guy doesn't seem to be playing with a full deck. I don't think he would hurt either one of us, but still we have two kids to think about and I love my wife a lot. I'm afraid that he'll watch her and get her alone and work her over big time. The problem with the whole secretary thing is that my wife at one time or another thought that my secretary and I were fooling around. Which is not true. I really in all honesty, and this is going to sound terrible and I apologize, can not stand my secretary. She is backstabbing and two faced and generally b.i.t.c.h.y! I also have no interest in an affair. So this adds to a lot. I'm getting very fed up.

DC, I would start documenting every contact and saving his voicemails in case he doesn't stop and you need to get a RO. He sounds like a complete freak.