Why is it that the need for sex drives people to get their needs met outside the marriage more than other needs do? I just cannot believe that my husband's not getting his sexual needs met by me is so much more important than MY needs for companionship, affection, and openness are. Yet these needs of mine have not been for years. What did I do about it? I stayed and tried to work on my/our issues, take care of our kids and home, thinking that one day, maybe we'll be able to resolve some conflicts and be closer. Not that I was happy. Anyway, I was too busy taking care of kids to even consider getting out. <P>What did HE do? He lied to me and his children and left to get his needs met elsewhere. So he had me taking care of home and family, the OW taking care of his sexual needs, and whose needs was he taking care of. Not mine!!<P>I just don't hear of that many people who lie and betray and leave the marriage so they can get their need for companionship met. Why is sex so much more important?!

I don't know, ODay. I don't think sex is MORE important, but JUST as important. And I know in our case anyway, H's need for attention and admiration (not to mention his Knight in Shining Armour complex!) were the first things that Sweetie met. Sex was simply a natural progression from those. <P>For me, personally, sex IS an expression of love, affection, devotion and that's what makes it one of my important needs. Surprisingly enough, not as high on the list of my H's needs - yet, he is having the affair.<P>I've learned a lot from the site. Harley's principles and the experiences of the other posters here. I really can see that, although I was trying to be the best wife I could possibly be, during our crises, I wasn't giving him what he needed to get through them. Maybe I just wasn't paying attention? Or asking the right questions? <P>Who knows? Right time, right place? Then maybe a habit? Forgetting HOW to look for fulfillment at home? Or maybe sex with someone else is just another escape from the problems of life. We all deal with problems differently. I'm working on all that.<P>Not much information, huh? But then, there aren't a lot of clear answers when we're here. <P>Wishing you strength and peace,<P>Lori

ODay,<BR> Well we are all diffrent. My h's # 1 need is for recreational companionship, mine is affetion, and sex well they switch places sometimes .<BR> For my h, I should just know he loves me because he supports me and is here. Sorry, not enough for me. I need to feel not only wanted but needed too. <P>But really these things are diffrent for every person.<P>------------------<BR>Just call me - Deb<BR>------------------------<BR>The only day I can do anything about is today, yesterday is gone, tomorrow is not yet mine.<P>

My H said sex was what made him feel connected and loved.... since being loved is really important, sex becomes very important too....soooo what do you say...<P>I didn't get my need for being secure in most of my emotional needs, and that doesn't come up much when we talk.....<P>I understand the frustration... <pulling on hair screeming "what about me!"> It seems to be that sex is as an addition to many...and I never heard anyone addicted to?????honesty? Its definatly an item I don't want to live without, but there is AA, NA, SA... no HA..<P>something to think on<P>cozy

I've put a lot of thought into this issue, since my W and I had a great sex life for a while until the OM entered the picture and it just went down the toilet, taking our marriage with it. I think it's this. A love relationship that involves sex is the closest two people can get. Satisfying another person's sexual needs and desires connects you about as closely to that person as you can be connected (if the emotional connection - true love - is there too). When my W and I were close this way, we were satisfying each other's emotional needs too. We didn't spend two-thirds of our time fighting and we had no problems in communicating with each other whatsoever. But when she began to pull away physically, thinking of excuses not to make love, it felt to me like she was pulling away emotionally too. THAT was when the real anger entered our relationship and the fighting started. So it's not "just the sex," it's all the emotion that goes with it.<P>--Wex

Well said Wex , very well said !<P>------------------<BR>Just call me - Deb<BR>------------------------<BR>The only day I can do anything about is today, yesterday is gone, tomorrow is not yet mine.<P>

Oday,<P>Firstly sex is the most potent primal creative force in our universe and the drive or urge varies from person to person....yet it is rare that its the reason why husbands and wives stray from the marital bed....<P>What maybe surprising to some also is that unmet emotional needs are not either although the real reasons could be assessed as unmet needs in some cases...nearly in all cases fear is the main culprit and it masquerades as many other things...<P>Fear of intimacy....fear of loss....fear of not getting...<P>Here is a quote from another post I did for someone else sometime ago that may clarify this a little...this particular one applied to a male but equally this applies to both sexes...<BR>---------------------------------------------<BR>Quote:<BR>...seems to me that a lot of responsibility is not placed on the perpetrator and some women are taking the blame for the affair by saying they never met his needs...where this maybe a reason....I think a lot is misplaced...I dont accept that the cause of most affairs is unmet needs by the wife at all although it is mooted as the culprit....to say his unmet needs (by wife)is the culprit is to pass responsibility for his behaviour onto her....and the truth is...no one else is responsible for his behaviour...just a pity that it sounds like a plausible excuse and we sometimes get taken in....causing one to run around in circles trying hard to fix something they could never truly fix....one can only HELP the other to fix their problem...the perpetrator themselves must do the fixing and unfortunately most men will run away from doing that making it difficult for both parties...in a lot of ways women are far stronger and have more guts in this area than men do .. <P>It is a deep problem from deep within themselves that can only be fixed by inner work and understanding..... <P>A good example of a so called hubby's motivation for having an affair could well be a "too good a wife" taking care of "his needs" too well as was mooted to be the case in my affairs... <P>When my wife and I were at our happiest and the sex was at its best is when I would go out and have sex with another woman....and make sure she would find out one way or another..!!! puzzling behaviour huh..? was to me and the counsellors and therapists too I can tell you!!!!<P>Dont want to bore you with details so the short story is that I felt abandoned by Mom when she married a guy who was extremely cruel physically mentally and emotionally ..<P>My 8 yr old heart broke and my trust of women turned to fear of being too close to them..if you get too close (love) and they left or 'abandoned' you... you get hurt, too painful ..so you have to create distance to stay safe...!!! in my case if things were fine at home with my wife it bought me close to my biggest fear and pain.... so an affair that she could find out about did the job of keeping her at a distance very well...and a little revenge on women thrown in for good measure too... took a lot of inner work to find and fix...<P>So all that shows on top may not be as it appears....and hubbys 'needs not being met' may not be even related to the wife at all...but take courage...when he realises what he will lose, his heart may hurt more...or if his heart gets a real jolt it will make him look and start some inner work on himself with or without therapy....<BR>There are many other reasons why us men have affairs and mine is only one of them....<BR>Some could be...<P>1. he maybe feeling his age and tries to re-capture his youth....(fear of death/loss) <P>2. he may realise that agewise he is closer to his death than the other way and wants subconsciously to live be free experience explore b4 he dies... (fear of loss and of not getting)<P>3. he is going thru mid- life crisis where all his unmet emotional needs and undealt with conflicts from his childhood and other times( none of this your fault even though he will blame it on you or your marriage as he would not know why he feels so unhappy and has to rationalise it as being something he is living rather than a deep inner conflict from long ago) are coming up within him to be dealt with... (fear)<BR> <BR>4. he may realise for the first time that you are mortal also and is facing his loss now so prepares himself for the eventual separation by distancing himself from you now so that when the real thing happens he will not hurt as much....(this because he loves you so much) (fear)<P>5. he may have realised how much he loves you and his fear of intimacy or being close to you would bring him closer to his pain of losing you..so would make him want to run away...and so starts an affair or drinking etc or anything to put distance between you..... becomes cold to you...unresponsive...uncommunicative... etc etc.... (fear of intimacy)<P>As we are individuals there are many others...these are just some that come to mind.... <P>Unquote:<BR>---------------------------------------------<P>Sorry for the length of this post...hope you gain something from it...my best wishes are with you... <P>cossie<P><P>------------------<BR>To know who you are is to see who I am....<P>

Man Cossie, now that is one great explanation. Thank you.<P>I firmly believe that thoughtful inner work gets at the root of the problems that most people face in all situations in life.<P>I will be pulling this to top as often as I can. )) People need to read your note!<P>Thanks.<BR>Hugz and prayers,<BR>Thoughtful (Deb)<BR>

Just had to reply here since sex was not one of the emotional needs my H was getting from OW he has admitted to me that sex is better with me. His top emotional need was conversation and that is what she meets for him. Sex obviously is part of their relationship but he has stated that it is not really worth it but he needs the conversation and companionship etc. Not all affairs are simply for better sex as was the case with mine, I just want to know how long he will go on with mediocre sex with her just to have conversation?

loveu,<P>Sounds like a nice excuse for having an affair hey..!! Methinks that he is afraid of deep conversation cos it may get to his pain..??? and you being the one he loves deeply (despite what he claims) can be the only one who can hurt him so he runs and talks to someone who cant...(fear)<P>He can enjoy talking about all sorts of things with her and mistakenly believe she understands him so much better than you...<P>When his guilt makes him sweat and he has to take his rose coloured glasses off to wipe his brow he may react with many expletives you may have not heard from him before as he fights with understanding whats hit him...lets hope this happens so he can find himself in all of it, change what needs change, let go what needs to be let go and move on to return to the true wonderful guy he is under all the crap huh.. <P>cossie<BR> <P>------------------<BR>To know who you are is to see who I am....<P>

Hi Oday:<BR>Have you ever considered that it may not be that some men place a high importance on sexual needs, but that some women place such a low value on it? A husband's sexual needs are NOT more important than a wife's need for comapnionship. It just seems that some women feel that their needs are the MOST important and men, well.... they are just men (all alike, right)? Only interested in ONE thing, the only thing they can find is there ****, etc..<P>The fact is that sex is not that important to most men. The need to be desired and wanted is. As well as the affection and emotional support they receive. It's merely an ego thing and as much as women talk about men's egos you'd think they would do something about it. <P>It all boils down to people who always think they know what the other person's most important needs should be. <P>Why don't we just allow for the fact that sometimes we just don't care what our spouses needs are. We are too busy thinking of our needs and why they aren't being met.<P>Besides, sex is really only peripheral to the central issue. Most betrayed women will tell you they gave sex to there H. Lots of it and it was good too. So why did he stray?<BR>Because, as they said about President Clinton, "It isn't about SEX". It's about everything else, sex just happens to be a way to include: companionship, emotional support; affection; openness; and most anything else you can think of. If it doesn't include that then the sex will not be enough to hold your H to the OW. After all, it wasn't enough to hold him to you, either.<P>Flip