I'm curious to know if a seperation has worked for anyone. I am finding it more and more difficult to be around WW. I cannot talk to her. She constantly asks "what are you thinking?". I am so angry right now that I never say anything constructive. When I ask her what she is thinking, I don't like the answer. She tells me that she can't stop thinking about the OM. I don't know if she misses him, is mad at him or what. Either way, it pisses me off and I have a hard time even looking at her.

When we are at home, all we do is sit in tense silence after the kids go to bed. Our MC doesn't really think a seperation is a bad thing as long as we have some sort of plan. In fact, our MC thinks that sometimes a seperation can be a good thing if we take the right steps (i.e. have a plan, continue MC and IC).

My only thought is, I have to get away from her and spend some time by myself. I am really stuggling with this decision because I have never been one to think that seperation is good. Then again, I have never been in a situation like this.

Fof3,

My only thought is that one should do nothing rash or drastic in the first couple months after dday. When you are separated you are apart. What can get accomplished when you are apart?

k

Separation is a bad idea if you want to save the M. Have you read up on Plan A? That is what you should be doing right now. Moreover, learning about withdrawal may explain what your WW is going through at the moment if she is indeed in NC.

I listened to Dr. Harley's radio show recently (streaming on-line) and he was discussing the 15 hour per week recommendation for married couples to spend alone together. He stated that only the time together was important to restoring togetherness NOT what was done during that time. Sitting together in complete silence is OK and has the same effect as dancing and laughing together. The only important thing is that it is done together.

I can only presume you are at the beginning of recovery and completely frustrated with WW withdrawal. You've been giving and giving and this whole process seems impossible.

All I can say is been there done that. Last summer when I was in your position I just tried to get out with my wife and be together doing whatever. I did a lot of listening while she came to terms internally with what happened but I put off addressing many of my concerns. When she questioned how I felt I put off the answers (buried my anger). Telling her would only hamper withdrawal and recovery. I did and you will get the opportunity to say everything on your mind later in recovery. My wife offered me much comfort as I finally addressed the hurt and anger after about 3 months of recovery and you know what much of that anger and frustration disappeared by the time it was "right" to discuss. I recommend you keep a journal of your feelings that your wife can later read when the time comes. (BTW-I kept a journal believing I would let my wife read it someday...I never did show her...I was just ranting and showing her later is, I still think, unproductive to our recovery as neither of us are the people we were just this past summer...but keeping the journal at the time was important to me)

Try to focus on your issues for right now. Your wife will come around in her due time. It's annoying that everything can't get right, right away...have patience.

Good luck,

Mr. Wondering

P.S.- I agree with Krusht...emotional decisions are not always the best decisions...set a date, like Valentine's Day, at which point if things are not better you will seek and/or consider a plan of separation. Then evaluate your situation weekly until that point.

Conventional MB wisdom says separation is a major hindrance to reconciliation. Dr Harley and the main MB site even state this somewhere. No time to look up a link at the moment, though.

And then there is my situation.

FWW left the morning of DDay2 of her LTA. I did not try to stop her. She changed her mind right before leaving and wanted to stay, but in the midst of the pain and confusion I just figured her first guess would be the best answer.

It turned into an almost six month separation. She took half our assets. She moved all her stuff and lived with a friend. She talked to an attorney. She had intermittent continued contact with OM.

I stayed in the house with DS. I found MB about two months into this separation. I then turned it into Plan B. This drove FWW nuts, BTW. As I distanced and detached she became frantic.

In retrospect I realize this was a necessary calming time for me. I know beyond the shadow of a doubt we could not have reconciled if we had lived in the same house during that period. Neither of us would have been able to control our emotions. Neither of us could think clearly during those six months.

Not that I would have DJ’s (she did all the time, though) but it just plain hurt too much and I was so, so angry at her for all her years and years of lies, deceit, false recovery and yes, her SF with the creep. DS and I both I needed the time out.

It worked for the over-all good of recovery, my personal and eventually our marriage.

It was also a safety gate for me. I did not have to decide about her moving home or on recovery until she fulfilled my Plan B requirements.

Sorry, not entirely MB certified, but it worked for me.

Added: Keep in mind LTAs with multiple DDays are a horse of a different color. MB does not naively apply.

With prayers,

Not 100% sure when your D-Day was - but I think it sounds like your wife is in withdrawal.

Let me quote Snowbelle here....


But something you may not have thought of is this. WHat do you expect your wife to tell you? Do you want her to lie to you to protect your feelings?

I hated it every time my wife told me the OM was a good man. I hated it when she said she missed him. I hated it when she referred to the affair as a relationship. I hated it when she told me she loved him. I wanted to go visit him myself with a baseball bat.

But I would take that honesty any day a at least when she now says she is vascillating between hate and ambivilence towards him I can believe it!

She will get to the end of feeling all that and she will do that after withdrawal and after you start meeting some of her EN's.

How do you propose meeting her EN's and rebuilding your marriage when you are separated?

2 separate or not?!?!? That is the question.

The answer is not as obvious and varies depending on the circumstances, WS frame of mind (or lack thereof) but most importantly based on the status of the BS.

Separation while not generally recommended maybe necessary if the BS can no longer put up with the antics of a WS or WS like attitude.

In other words, if your W is a WS or acts like one, separation maybe key to saving your sanity. Separation does take you to the edges of your M, but with the A, you are really closer to the edge anyway.

Fear of the unknown regarding separation? More like relief knowing you don't have to deal with an A head in your home. WsW's especially have a tendency to flaunt it at times. Some babble about it so much that it just irks the BSH to no end. Other WSW's clam up and frustrate the BSH out of their wits. Same result, different method of madness.

So really it s/b on your terms not the WS. Expect the WS to push you to D or separation. But do it on your terms not hers. That's the real key.

Ws and A is about control. They want to make sure they inflict the pain they control and call the shots on their terms. The best way to disarm an A is to remove that power from their grip. Nothing does that better than plan B.

JMHO,
L.

I have ben trying to meet her EN, as she has explained them to me. The problem is, it just makes her feel worse that I am trying and she does not seem to be. She says that I can meet her EN whether I am there or not.

Here is the other problem I have discovered in the last day or so. A lot of our problems the last couple of years have been financial which have created a lot of stress and depression and her eventual disconnect. I had this feeling that WW cannot begin to move forward with us until I find a better job to relieve some of the financial stress. I confronted her with this feeling and she confirmed it. So now, not only do I have the stress of our M falling apart, but in not so many words she has said nothing can get better until I find a new job! I think that is complete BS and unfair. I believe we have much larger issues than financial right now, and it bothers me that I have to fix our financial situation first before she can start working with me on our M.

I have several new job opportunities coming up in the next couple of weeks, but this is not something I can control, and it bothers me that AGAIN I have to hope that the actions of someone else can help my M.

"The best way to disarm an A is to remove that power from their grip. Nothing does that better than plan B."

And exposure. Exposure, exposure, exposure.

FO3 - don't take it all to heart. A whole lot of it is just foggy withdrawal talk. She feels like she has to validate the way she is feeling by hammering you. Seriously, both of you, read the Surviving Infidelity FAQ's and get "Surviving an Affair" by Harley.