I hope I'm not too late....

H and I separated for just over a year. Was not an A that caused the separation - his depression and addiction. I felt I had no other choice than to separate, for him to get himself well. He bottomed out about the end of March... took many months to get clean and quit self-medicating. He's on anti-d and doing well.

I filed for divorce. I consulted an attorney last year but only filed in September. I *thought* this was what I wanted - now I've changed my mind.

When H wasn't stepping up to the plate to get well and reconcile, I moved on. Had a relationship with another man which failed, but if something good can come from something bad, I realized that I have a deep abiding love for H.

Before OM left, I sat down with H and told him how I felt and what I needed to do. OM was gone a week later, and no more contact. I realize that I was wrong in doing this - I am trying to get right with God and myself and H about this.

Meanwhile, H moved on too. He met somebody online, spent a week with her in September and she's coming here next week.

D was scheduled for next week too - talk about crappy timing.

I've talked with H a couple of times about reconciliation. He says not now, maybe not ever, but not sure... that can be looked at as the cup half empty, or half full, depending on how I'm feeling at the time.

Today I decided that I'm not emotionally ready to proceed with D. I emailed him and asked him if we could talk either by email or in person - he said email was fine but I think this needs to be face to face. I simply said that I was struggling with my feelings about D and I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this (he told me the same thing last year, but made no attempt to reconcile - he wasn't in a good space to even try at that point anyway).

He's changed. He is stable on his meds, treating me nicely, spending time with me and the family - we just had a nice Thanksgiving together. Ironically he's filling many of the EN he wasn't meeting when we were in the last couple of years of our marriage. He has returned to being the man I fell in love with and married. He had an EA about 8 years ago but that was forgiven and he worked to make things right. We're here now because of his depression and addiction, and my not meeting his SF/EN and his not meeting mine. I own my share of woe in the marriage but am working on myself to change the things I did wrong, and I believe I can hold up my end of the bargain this time, if given a chance to try.

I've changed. I've made a few really stupid mistakes and I'm trying to attone for them. Biggest mistake was OM - I should have known better - but it was at a time when I felt there was no hope with H... no excuses but I thought it was really over between H and I.

The irony is, having that relationship made me realize what I want and need.

But I'm wondering if it isn't too late.

H and I have talked 3 times recently - he's so fixed on OW that even though he says he still loves me, he's not ready to even entertain thoughts of reconiliation, however his actions tell me otherwise. Perhaps he doesn't know.

I'm trying to work at it from my end, even if he isn't receptive now, perhaps he may be at some point, if/when OW is out of the picture - and I don't see that as a long-term potential thing. She's on one coast, we're on another...

We own a business together - so Plan B is nearly impossible to do because of the business. He works full time at a day job, I run the business, but he helps part time. We're both necessary to the functionality of the business.

At some point soon (he's late already...) he is supposed to meet me to talk. I've written down the things I want/need to say to him. I don't know if they will make a difference but I can't move forward if I don't say them.

Since I filed, I can withdraw or postpone the divorce. He said I could postpone it if it would make it easier but do not get my hopes up because he isn't ready to get back together yet, and is unsure if he'll ever be.

I don't want this divorce. I never really did. I only wanted him to get well again and I couldn't see that happening in our home/marriage as it was.

This is't a mind game or emotional blackmail - I had to hit my own wall to realize what is important to me, and my husband and family are number one. I really want in my heart to work to reconcile and resolve this - but I don't know if he can go there with me.

Am I too late? I know he still has feelings for me but are they enough to build on?

I've decided to commit myself to showing him how I feel - not romantic overtures but showing him loving behaviours - I have been doing that and he has too (I have a thread in Divorcing/Divorced called "Mixed Signals" that goes into detail)...

As long as there's something - is there hope?

Please help me save my marriage...

H2U

How long were you into the affair before your seperation? And what was your H's addiction?

Honey, there is always hope. Even if the marraige fails, and you get divorced, there is always hope.

Keith

I wasn't in an affair before the separation. My relationship happened months after H moved out.

I spoke with him this evening and told him how I felt. I think he's having some of the same feelings - either way he listened and agreed to think about things.

OW is still coming this weekend - but I can't do much about that... but I hope he'll reconsider things and give us one more try.

I do believe in my heart that if he'd like to work at it, we can make things right between us. I've committed to working at it.

Time will tell - but it can only work if he wants it too.

H2U

Call Steve @ MB and setup some immediate phone counseling.

L.

I can't yet. I've left the ball in H's court - he's got another woman on the go, and he needs to end that before WE can move forward.

H saw a counsellor for a while - only a few sessions but he likes her. I've offered to do MC with him with this counsellor.

He needs to come to me now - I've put it all out on the line but I can't push him right now.

I'm fairly sure he'll come around and we can try - but at this moment I just need to be patient, continue showing him loving behaviours but until OW is out of the picture, that's about all I can do.

H2U

U can do your own IC w/Steve. That way if and when the WS comes out the fog and is willing to have a good session, you and Steve will be ready.

JMHO,
L.

H2U,

Ok, let me state the obvious. If you don't want the divorce and you can suspend it or completely stop it, do so. It is your call. So quit worrying about that part OK? You have control of this, use the control to accomplish what you want...stopping or suspending the proceedings.

As to your H, you do see that you two are on the same arc right? You had to hit bottom (OM) to see what you had and what you would lose. Further, he had to hit bottom to rid himself of the addictions. It might help you to know that Dr. Harley will NOT counsel (marriage counsel) a couple if there is an active addiction. It skews things too much. I think you can understand his reasoning.

I would urge you to hang in there. If your H is really a decent guy, he is now in a quandry. He is about to be divorced, he has met another woman, and he still has feelings for you. His problem is likely how to NOT hurt anyone and also not put himself at risk.

Do you see the problem. No matter what he feels if he is a nice guy, calling the OW and telling her not to come on short notice will not be something he would do. Telling you to go away and leave him alone doesn't work either. But, he has a divorce hanging over his head, and he is not sure things can be better between the two of you.

Now IF my speculations have some merit one can see a potential plan. 1. You suspend or halt the divorce especially since you don't want it. That also takes a deadline and an excuse away from him.

2. You start to show him how things will be different in the future. Here is where plan A as described on this site and in Harley's books is brought into play. You meet the needs he will allow you to meet, you avoid love busters completely, and you show him that things can be better.

Consider these things and see how they set with you. I think there is hope, but it will take time and patience on your part. Your affair did not help this, and surely his affair is complicating things now as well.

So read up on the information here. Come back and talk, ask questions, and develop YOUR plan, and then go for it.

That is my advice.

God Bless,

JL

Thanks for the advice... unfortunately things were worse than I had suspected.

I discovered that H paid his g/f rent. He did this before he paid his own obligations, two of which affect my credit, and possibly a lien on my home. Furthermore I caught him in a lie about it.

I found this out right before I had intended to postpone the D. This confirmed that 2 of his worst character flaws, are still alive and well. 1) He's still a liar and 2) He's still irresponsible.

I have to safeguard myself and my children. I am proceeding with the D on Wednesday, AND I'm getting the court to manage my child support. Now that he's using money he doesn't have on her, and not looking after his present obligations, I need to get my head out of the sand and do what I need to do.

I wrote him a long email stating my intentions, reiterating that I still love him, but under the circumstances I need to do what I need to do.

He's probably at the airport as I type this, picking up his g/f.

Now my suspicions about the g/f have been confirmed - she is after money. You just don't ask somebody you met 4 months ago online, and whom you've met face-to-face once, that you need money and can you "borrow" it?

I wonder who paid her rent last month? Nothing would surprise me if he finds out down the road, once she's dumped him when the money runs out (it's almost gone), that she's working several men at once.

It's his life - I had to make my mistake - he's going to have to make his. I'm quite sure his lapse in judgement now is due to his neediness/loneliness whatever - but the fact that he's still lying and not taking care of business means he hasn't grown up as much as I would have wanted to believe.

Do I still love him? Yes, always have, always will.

However, I'm wise enough to see the writing on the wall - no matter how much I'd like to rebuild the marriage, he's nowhere near being on the same page as me. Honestly I doubt I could ever trust him again - he's just betrayed the trust too many times. I'm not feeling betrayed about the g/f - he waited nearly a year after moving out, before he hooked up with her, so I don't consider it an affair even though the divorce wasn't final - the paperwork was already under way. The betrayal comes in the lies and the taking care of G/F before his own issues. If he had some money to "blow" his kids could use some new clothes or Christmas presents - but he's not thinking of them either right now.

I'm sure this little trist of his will run its course - but if he came to me afterward, I still wouldn't trust his motives.

He hit bottom very hard, but it still didn't change his mind enough to really put effort into it. Right now he's on the path of least resistance with a low emotional-maintenance woman, and as long as the check clears, she will be whatever he wants her to be. Sad. IMO he's heading down the road of getting screwed - and I'm not the only one that sees it. However he'll have to fall on his face and let his wallet be made lighter before he'll learn. That is IF he learns. I've lost confidence in his judgement. If losing everything didn't wake him up, I don't think anything else afterward, will. Sad - but likely true.

Meanwhile I'm protecting my children and me as best I can.

Just because the D is final doesn't mean we can't work it out down the road, but I'm thinking it would be WAY down the road, if it can even happen at all. The way I'm feeling right now I'm torn between wanting it more than anything - but I won't settle back into the web of lies and mistrust - that's too high a price to pay.

So I'm just taking care of my kids and me, trying to stay strong and focussed, trying to keep busy so I don't overthink it too much, and when I need to think about it I talk it out with those who love me and understand what I'm going through. It has helped a great deal. So has prayer. I know God is with me, He loves me and He has a plan for me - so I'm just going to leave the burdon in His hands and let Him guide me through this.

Bruised a bit, but I'm going to be just fine.

H2U