HoHum... h signed the sep papers today. I got everything I am entitled to, the house, his retirement, child support, he has to pay all the kids medical copays, all childcare, he has to keep me on his insurance. So why do I feel so sad? We have been getting along horribly for the past month or so. Some really bad fights and some awful awful words said. My body has been filled with complete hatred for him. He originally said he was not going to sign the papers I had done but I think the military put some pressure on him about it and I think he realized everything in them I am entitled to so he ate crow and signed them.

Now I do not know what to do. Should I just work on forgiving and moving on and try to be his friend? Just put the past in the past? I mean he lives with ow and has for a few months now. The kids counselor says the kids are not to be around ow so even though we signed papers he still cannot have them around her until the counselor gives the ok. That won't be until well after he gets back from iraq next may probably. So I can still keep her away from them.

Should I go to a plan B now? I don't think he would have any problem whatsoever having no contact with me. I think he could care less. But I have never allowed him no contact with me whatsoever. I don't know if I would ever want him back. He has really really hurt me badly and I do not see him ending this relationship with ow anytime soon. He lied to me and kids on Thanksgiving and said he had work when what he did was take it off and spend it with her and her family. I am sure it is not perfect but he does spend a lot of time with her. He never took the day off like that to spend it with me and my family on the holidays in 9 years of marriage! I know she is getting low on money and he is not giving her any. And when he leaves for iraq he certainly cannot give her any as he will be broke. She has been paying for everything and has in fact been calling her xh for money to help her get through the winter! of course he doesn't give her any but still.... ow is just so glad to have my h living with her she will pay for everything and do anything to be sure he doesn't leave. and my h is hard to figure out. He used me and living here for so long he will do anything to keep a meal ticket and make it look good. He could have gone to thanksgiving with her and her family to make it look good, to make his intentions look good. I mean hey, he is living there for free, he has to make it look good.

but I digress..... what do you all think I should do? what do you experts think? I told h if he wants a divorce after a year he will have to pay for it. He has no grounds so that would be the end of next november before he could file. I could do it now obviously but have said I am not doing it.
Maybe I am just venting and do not know what I want. To be legally separated and on the way to being "free" is really wierd to me ya know? mlhb

I would definitely do a Plan B. It will be very helpful for you in your personal recovery.

well, guess i need to do some reading up on plan b then! mlhb

Be sure you read it and really understand it. Take your time, write a Plan B letter, and try to forsee anything that he would need to contact you about. If you are going to do Plan B, do it right. It is really quite pleasant once you get the hang of it.

Hi - I highly suggest Plan B! There are definite ups and downs, but there's nothing like not having to look into the face of a WH everyday. Giving yourself a chance for recovery and finding out how strong you really are!

Kim

I do have the book SAA, I just haven't read it yet and I know those plans are in there. Time to crack it open. Is Plan B even if you do not plan on ever getting back together? I cannot ever forsee that happening although stranger things have happened I suspect. Legal separation is still married and the only divorce there will be is if he pays for one. I just don't know if I should do Plan B if I am not trying to get him back. I long to actually just be able to be friends with him and get along ya know? To just put the past in the past and move forward and be able to be nice when he comes to get the kids and have a conversation. Sounds more like Plan A to me. Maybe I should do Plan A with no intentions of trying to woo him back, just for me and my well being in being the best person I can be. It will show him what he has lost and also continue to help me grow into the best person I can be.... What do you guys think??? mlhb

Mortor, any input here??? I have decided no further action with the military (obviously) I think they did their part by talking to H and at least it was one more step of exposure. Now they know who they are dealing with and I am sure some respect was lost for him. If nothing else they pressured him into doing the right thing.

In my opinion it sounds like it is just time for you to move on. Your words say you do not want to reconcile. But you seem to be putting a lot of effort into trying to show your WH that you do not want him back. Does that make sense? I think you truly need to move on with your life FOR YOU! Stop trying so hard to make him realize what he has lost.

I don't know Plan A or B, but just get yourself together and stop thinking about what WH is doing or thinking. Time for you and just you. If you want to be nice when he comes to get the kids, then be nice. If you don't feel like seeing him, then don't. Start doing what is right for YOU.

I think I am just mourning such a deep deep loss. It is very painful right now. The wounds are deep. I want us to put the past behind us and be able to maybe someday be friends. We never started out as friends, I think that was a big problem. We just jumped right into being lovers and into a relationship, never stopped to become friends. That is where I would like to start. Will his affair last?? That only he knows. I would guess no but she is providing very nicely for him and my h is a cake eater. He is not stupid, he will stay where he is getting the best deal and that right now is with her. I think I should just sit back and watch it hopefully unravel on its own.

I would just like eventually to put my wall down and to have him put his wall down and for us to be able to be genuinely nice to eachother and maybe begin to form a frienship. I do not believe that is IMPOSSIBLE will just take work on my part. Yes, my part. I need to let it all go now, all the anger and resentment and realize what is done is done. I do not know what the future holds as none of us do. Possibly just letting everything go, living for me and my kids, being nice and trying to develop a friendship with thie man I have been married to 9 years might spark a new beginning for us if as nothing more than friends. And that, for us and for the sake of our kids, would be a plus. It feels much better to be nice and loving to be harboring hate. I am really really working on that. I want to be nice and move on. mlhb