well What I suspected came true! I found out on 11-5 our 22 year anniversary of being together by accedent in some emails! I thought I would die!! I waited untill the next morning and woke him up at 5:00am to confront him and he finaly confessed about it. Some girl he had met about 6 months ago and he felt a strong connection to her. I printed off the emails and they made me sick!! He does not know I have them~ I have been seeing a consuler almost every week and so had he and we go together next month. I told him that I forgave him because that is what God would want me to do but it hurts so bad and it is so hard not to obssess about it ect!!! I need your prayers and strength because right now I am just trying to make it day by day without going crazy! I really dont know hat he wants and if he even wants it to work out but I am trying so hard! Please give me any advice I can do I am so screwed up right now and I need to be strong for my DD. Please HELP~~~~~!!! I need it all right now!! My Consuler keeps telling me that I need to figure out what I woudl do it if he was not in my life ect...I am so lost and so sad and depressed I put myself back on prozac about 2 weeks ago but it has not kicked in . I need alot of advice right now just to be able to handle things and figure out what to do and what comes next. I never thought I would be in this situation or have to face this kind of thing but hre I am and totally useless and clueless PLEASE HELP ME!!!!!!!!! PS- I have not been trying to brin git up and being the perfect wife ect. But I am about to go NUTS!!!!!!!!!!

You have come to the right place. First thing I recommend is the book "Surving and Affair". It is an excellent book. Please know that an affair does not need to be physical to be an affair. Emotional affairs are just as devasting if not more than physical affairs.

Also read the book "Her Needs / His Needs" - it will also help you.

Read up on Plan A and Plan B at this site. You are in the Plan A stage at this point. Something your husband must agree to is absolutely no more contact with this person period!!! And, he must agree to prove to you that he is not contacting her.

Next thing and this is very important if you want your marraige to survive.... Make certain your counselor is a PRO-marraige counselor. There are far to many marraige counselors out there that work to disolve the marraige rather than save it.

I want you to know you are not alone, you may feel alone, isolated, depressed beyond belief but you are not alone. Also, if your husband agrees to honestly work with you, then you have an excellent chance of not only saving the marraige but making it better than before. If he is willing to work with you, then you need to work on forgiveness.

There is no excuse for his behavior but it is very important to look at yourself and the relationship. However, do not blame yourself for what he is doing.

You are in my thoughts and prayers.....

Keith

Thnak you for your prayers I need them so bad! He was turning 40 and I kept thinking maybe it was just a midlife crisis thing and it would pass but it was emotional and physcial.My counsler is great right now we are trying to work on me and my strengths and she knows how hurt and depressed I am. He said he had not been happy for the last 8-10 years and I keep looking back at what had changed and what I had done ect.. and told the counsler that she said he had a lot of unresolved issues from people that had died ect. But he is saying what he had with this girl was not even an affair but just a mistake but it hurts sooooooooo bad and I just want the hurt to go away. I told him the day I confronted him that I forgave him and it was a mistake and I think that threw him off that I did not go nuts on him and totaly explode! anyway I just need alot of support right now and that is why I am here becasue I live far away from any support system!!

Did he end all contact with this girl?

Well, they usually rewrite the history of the marriage. It is because they feel very guilty about betraying their partner, so they make up reasons why the affair was okay. It is very common for them to say they have been miserable for years.

Also from your other post, I see that she is married. The MB Plan A includes exposing the affair to her husband. Many posters don't want to do it. But it is important. That way her husband can be sure there is no contact too. Also he deserves to know.

The infidel usually wants to just sweep everything under the rug, and pretend that nothing happened. But that won't help your marriage.

Why r u forgiving him for commiting such a horrible act against you and your family?

L.

I told him that I forgave him because that is what God would want me to do but it hurts so bad and it is so hard not to obssess about it ect!!! I need your prayers and strength because right now I am just trying to make it day by day without going crazy!
I understand exactly how you feel w39. I was so much of you at 3 wks post DDay It's been 3 months since DDay now.

At 3 wks post DDay I was still a mess, obsessing, angry, and hurt more than ever, even trying to convince myself that I would feel better if I just forgave my H. But I couldn't figure out why I wasn't feeling better after I was saying "okay I forgive you." Then someone told me, BS you forgiving your H will come in your time, no matter what others tell you. That was my answer.

And someone told me that it was like a building (being the marriage) being burnt down. After any building is burnt the people have to stand in front of it and access the damage. Then after the damage is accessed, plans for rebuilding can start.... if rebuilding is possible. You are in the state of assessing the damage w39 and it's horribly traumatic...I know. May Gods grace and comfort help you.

It's gonna take time, but you have some good opportunities to plan A being your H is still home.

I wish he wouldn't blame you for 8-10 yrs of a bad marriage, that is just not true! It wasn't just a mistake!
He still sounds like he is in some fogginess still, so we pray for deliverance for him. There is still a stronghold that needs to let go. Some would call that the "fog."
He wants to shove it under the rug as "oh well", sorry that won't work. He's gonna have to face up to it!!
When the fog lifts some more and he fesses up to it, and really is repentant and remorseful, not making excuses, you will know the fog/stronghold is gone. And you will be able to move on from there to a repairable marriage. I hope that happens for your marriage.


Huggs and prayers,
Lady

w39 - Okay, we all understand the emotional trauma you are going through, especially since you discovered the affair and it is ongoing.

From what you said in the above quotation, I am making the assumption that you consider yourself a Christian who is trying to be obedient to God. So the first question I would have is whether or not your husband is a Christan also?

Now, back to the quotation for a minute. God does NOT want you to forgive an UNrepentant sinner(especially one who claims to be a Christian themselves). Forgiveness FOLLOWS repentance, and does not precede it. THAT was Jesus' instruction to Peter(if a brother sins against you and comes to you and says, 'I repent') and Jesus' purpose behind "church discipline" of sinning believers and the steps to take if met with UNrepentance. Your husband has sinned first against God and second against you and third against his own "flesh." Before there can be forgiveness, he must repent (be convicted of his sin and choose to turn 180 degrees AWAY from that sin).

You can, and should, continue to LOVE him, but you do NOT "excuse" sin with forgiveness that does NOT require leaving the sin behind. To do otherwise "endorses" sin without consequences.

Keep posting. The emotional devastation that you are feeling is something we have all felt, and we'll help you with both support and advice, to get through this most difficult of times.

God bless.

Yes, he is a christian. I have been filing out prayer group forms I just hope we can get through this. It is so hard for me. I just dont know what to do! I thought I was doing so good at being the wife he wanted but now things are just screwed! I feel so screwed up and have a thousand thoughts goood and bad going through my mind. I hate to obssess about it but it is hard not to do. I want to get in touch with the OW spouse but my counsler said that would not be a good idea if they are still carrying on becasuse they would just be laughing behind my back! I have prayed so much for so long and things just seem worse! I dont understand. I know God puts us through test sometimes but I have tried not to be selfish with my prayers and have been praying for the marriage and for my husband everyday and night. I am just so distraught and I dont know what to do. I try to keep smiles on my face and try and be Happy becasue he keeps telling me even before this how unhappy I am , which is not true it is like he is trying to talk me into be unhappy! I just dont know.As far as I know he has not told anyone. I told the counsler and my best friend becasue I was so crushed. I just need advice from people who have been in this situation on what I should do for him and towards him ect.. especially now that it is Christmas. I put out all the Christmas lights outside while he was gone so I know he will be happy about that. I still need to decorate the inside. My consuler said I need to get out and do my Christmas shopping but I just cant get into the mood and I need to for my DD. I dont even have her gifts yet or cards done or anything! Please HELP ME to be able to help myself!! Thanks!

The marriagebuilders Plan is to let the other person's spouse know. Exposure helps end the affair.

As far as going on with your life, that is the best thing. Force yourself to go out and buy stuff for your daughter. You will feel better when you do.

w39

You are getting good advice and some very wise vets are already helping you. The only thing I can offer you is to follow their advice to read as much as you can from MB, expose to OW spouse.

Stay on this sight and post. You will learn a great deal.