My husband and I were married for 25 years when he left me. I did not know he was living with another woman until 9 months went by. When I found out where he was living, I went over there. I would never had knocked on the door if I thought he was not there. His car was but he wasnt. Apparently he was using her car. She and I had a nice conversation. I stayed for almost three hours! When I left she asked me what I was going to do. I said "nothing" because I still loved him and would wait for him. Four days later I was served with divorce papers.

The whole process lasted almost 2 years. I work for attorneys so I was getting lots of advice. I ended up with everything-- all the property, 1/2 of his retirement, alimony, etc.

It was such an emotional rollercoaster! Everytime we went to court I wanted to run to him and cry. Beg him to come home where he belonged. I got many pep talks about staying strong and taking the high road so thats what I did.

The day we signed the papers he told me this wasnt what he wanted. He was so very sorry. I thought "sure now that you know how much this is costing you." I said some ugly things to him.

We have been divorced now for about 5 months and recently went to court on a post-divorce issue. I had made up my mind to try to be civil to him. This anger inside me was eating me up. We sat together and he again said he was sorry. He didnt mean for all this to happen. He had tears in his eyes and I saw what a broken man he had become. Again my hurt came to the surface and I said some things I shouldnt have said.

I couldnt shake that day from my mind. It weighed on me. I had loved him through this whole process and still do. After seeing and talking to him I knew he still loved me.

About a week after our court date I drove over there. He came out and I told him I was sorry. He said he tried to talk to me and I wouldnt listen. Then he went inside.

I went over there the next day and again he came out. This time he agreed to meet me at a coffee shop and talk. We were there almost three hours. We cried together. He apologized so much, as did I.

He explained looking back, he was going through a midlife crisis. We were experiencing the empty nest thing. To cope, I threw myself into my friends and tried to stay busy with work, volunteering, etc. He tried to get closer to me but I didnt have the time. He said he didnt blame me if I hated him.

I told him I loved him. Everyone said it would get better in time but it doesnt. Every waking moment, I think of him. He said he would be willing to give it another chance. But it will take time to rebuild what we had. I agreed. We cried so much together!

He said he would call me and we can talk. Perhaps meet somewhere. But he cant leave her now. I know financially he is ruined not to mention emotionally.

I am afraid if I start making demands that he move back home I will lose him forever. But then-- how can I compete with someone he is with everyday? I cant go over there. I cant call him. Emotionally I am back to where I was the day he left. Waiting for the phone to ring, peeking out the window when I hear a car drive by. I dont know if I can do this.

I would love nothing more than us to be a "family" again. This whole thing has devastated everyone on both sides of the family. Our children wont talk to him, his parents and siblings wont talk to him. He lost all his friends.

I am willing to go to counseling, etc. I am willing to try to work on this relationship but I feel now I am the "other woman" and I dont like it.

He said he cant leave her now. I am assuming its because he has feelings for her and her children. She had told me she was in a few abusive relationships (including her ex husband) and my husband was the first decent guy she had met. He was good to her kids.

I am confused. I feel if he really did want to come home, he would just up and leave her like he did me. If there is no chance for us, I need to move on. And the sooner the better right?

{{{Hugs}}}

My situation is different but I totally understand the love and confusion you're feeling.

All I can offer is my empathy, and suggest you pray. That's what I'm doing.

I'm trying to put my broken marriage back together too. I've talked to my H about what I've done to change, I see changes he's made but it's his choice now whether to act on what he knows.

I know my H still has feelings for me - time will tell if it's enough to build on.

Try to stay busy, try to be patient. God has a plan for all of us and sometimes He takes us on a roundabout journey to get there.

Sorry I can't be more insightful - just know that you aren't alone.

H2U

Thanks for the reply. I will admit, on my way home from work tonight, I thought there would be at least a dozen messages asking me if I was crazy! I am glad to see this isnt that kind of discussion board.

I have decided today to just take things slow and be undemanding. I think we need to start again as "friends" first. In fact, when he and I talked at the coffeeshop he said the one thing he missed the most was his friend.

As I said he is having great financial difficulties. I bled him dry during the divorce and I am sure "she" isnt making it any easier for him. When he called last night I told him I had contacted an attorney friend of mine to ask what options he had. He was surprised I had done that. I said I had told him I would help him in any way I could and this was what I knew. I think if he sees I am willing to be there for him despite what happened between us, things will get better.

He had asked me what possessed me to drive to see him two days in a row. He lives quite a distance from me and with gas prices the way they are, I was taking a big gamble. I had never driven there except the one time I talked to "her". I have never called there, never harrassed them, etc. I told him I did it because if that was what he wanted I wanted him to be happy.I loved him that much. But now I told him I had had enough of listening to advice from family and friends and decided to listen to my heart instead. He said it was about time!

I am hoping with the holidays coming up he will feel something in his heart and will find his way home.

Thanks for the support! I have been doing alot of praying and dont plan on stopping now.

Just be careful. My H and I were making positive progress, I thought...

But today I saw he wrote a check to pay his g/f rent. And after I've compromised with support - he's paid up but he's almost never on time.

To say I'm livid would be an understatement. I thought he had made some positive changes, and he has, but he's hooked up with a predator. I haven't called him on it but I'm doing what I can to protect my interests.

Hopefully he'll get his head out of the sand before he's bankrupt.

H2U

Dont worry! I fought tooth and nail to get what I got and I am not giving it up! One thing I learned through all this is I have to look out for myself, I cant depend on anybody but me. I cant see that changing anytime soon. I will help him out with getting advice, info, etc, but thats where it ends. I cant help him financially.