My divorce hearing was yesterday. I had not seen my h in over a year and it was VERY difficult to see him. I did not have any rush of love or of distaste for him...but it was SO hard. I could barely look at him. I found myself starting to breathe way too deep and way too fast and had to calm myself down. We talked a little bit but not much. I tried so hard not to cry, but I did. At least I did not break down sobbing.

I just about choked when I had to say that I agreed the marriage was irretrievably broken. At this point I do believe that to be true, however I know it wasn't always that way.

I did decide to take my maiden name back. And I did give him back his things. I wrote a post a couple of weeks ago about a card I found from him. I asked him to read it and he did. He just said that he was so sorry about all of it.

After the hearing I said to him, "Just so you know, you rewrote a lot of how our marriage really was." He replied that I have rewritten a lot too. While logically I'm sure that must be true, I don't think it's in the same ways that he did. I have totally owned my actions throughout our marriage to him. I apologized to him for my part in things. He has not owned what really went wrong in the marriage except his affair and I feel he felt he was justified in that. Anyway, he also said to me that he tried for "years". I almost laughed in his face for that one since we were only married a couple of years before things started happening. He said it like we were married for 15 years. He's judging most of our marriage by what happened after his affair. *shrug*

You know, everyone here says that the WS does feel bad deep down. That someday the will realize what they've done and be regretful. I do not think that's the case here. The more time passes and the more involved he is with his new girlfriend, the more I am looked at as the bad part of our marriage.

I guess at this rate it doesn't matter anymore. Just wish I didn't care.

I don't feel any relief that this is over. I only feel relief that I do not have to face the divorce hearing anymore.

I'm good though and know I'll be okay. It's just so sad that there was no tenderness yesterday, only awkwardness.

Maddy, despite the dreadful sadness you must be feeling, you have behaved so fantastically in all of this madness. Wishing you every happiness ahead. Good times are on their way for you. His loss. TT

Sorry to hear it, but now you can really heal. You are a good woman and will find a good man. He doesn't feel bad right now, because he has a girlfriend. It won't last, and then he will have regrets.

I hope that this has helped you find closure on your marriage. You did a great job in the courtroom.

Right after D-day last year, my WH and I were doing MC. The woman wasn't the best MC mostly because she had been a BW. It had been years before but she still carried the pain even though Her kids are grown, she trained to be a counselor and is happily remarried. As a counselor, she never gave my WH an ounce of sympathy or cut him any slack. While that was good for me, it really didn't help us talk about our problems.

AT one of our IC sessions, the counselor said that for 17 years, she never saw any remorse or apology from her WXH. He married his OW and was on the happily ever after track. That is until his 2nd wife betrayed him and left for an OM. At that point, her XH told her that now he understood just how much pain he had caused her. A day late and a dollar short but still accepted.

What goes around always comes around. You've been really strong. Now it's time to move into your new life that free from this pain.

(((((((aislinn)))))))))

{{maddy}} you are such an amazing woman and you should be proud of the way you have handled yourself. Now, once you heal then on to a better and healthier relationship.

You know maddyk, I didn't feel any relief over my divorce either. People seemed to think I was supposed to. I must have heard "you must be so relieved" fifty times. I had no idea what they were talking about.

Not because I was in agony. It wasn't like that. Getting divorced just didn't change the way I felt. Just like a million people repeating "let go" and "move on" doesn't change your experience, it just makes you want to push them down.

GC