I have been hyper vigilant on trying to find evadence that i had a WS on my hands. After 4 weeks of intense surveylance i have not found any descrepancies ,lies,taped phone conversations, emails, keylogger, her work email, gps tracking while not physically followed, semen detection kits on panties. NOTHING except a flirtashous phone call to suspected OM 1 time. But after that(3 weeks ago) i have taped several of there conversations and it was all buisness and she wasnt particullarly nice about that on the phone.Now the phone calls arent even that often because i had expressed concern over them.
Our MC told me she thought after our last 4 years of trouble that my W has truely lost her inner self and that she needs help to find it.
Individual session with my C, she told me to put god first and my W and family second and that i was going to drive her away if i didnt trust her and stop all the surveylance. I have been an emotional wreck!
WE are getting along pretty good now and she is being attentive some.Sex has been great! I am working very hard to fill her EN and no LB and it seems to be working. She has read some of chapter 1 in His/her needs and the book will be here today. Shes says shes willing to read it (just not real enthusiastically.)
WE both feel our MC isnt giving us direction nor resolution. I think she needs to talk with someone outside of friends and family. She says she feels better after individual C. But our 3 sessions together have been a flop in my opinion.
I feel confadent that she can restore her IN Love feelings for me with my careful considerations.
The only hurtful thing for me right now is she isnt wearing her wedding band or diamonds and i have told her how that makes me feel.She says she will wear it when shes ready. She also says we are doing better and we are ok.(except when i question her about who what when where how)She knows about me suspecting an A for last 10 days or so.
My questions are....
1) how do you help someone that feels like they have lost there true identity?
2) should i look for a new MC?
3)Should i quit vigilance as she would be livid if she knew?
4) should i let her not wearing her wedding band not bother me or should i solidify how it makes me feel?
Any thoughts would be appreciated.

1. If only I knew, I could help my WW
2. Yes, if they are not helping you determine your own direction they are not doing their job IMHO
3. I thought that and with patience I found out the truth - an EA. WS are very good at hiding the evidence, even when I "knew" the evidence was so well hidden that I was made to feel guilty for disbelieving her
4. My WW said the A never changed how she felt about me and told the OM she would never leave me and never took hwe wedding ring off. I would tell her how you feel about this in detail, but you cannot make her want to wear it

anybody else on advise?

1.) You can't. She HAS to find find herself. You CAN be there to support her when she does find herself.

2.) If you are truly unconfortable with the MC then you should find a new one. BTW I think the MC is right on about the Hyper vigalant surveylance.

3.) Has she ever been a WS? Given you cause to mistrust her? If not this could be a huge LB and does not help to create a positve atmosphere.

4.) I would absolutly tell her how it makes you feel.

I am there to support her! I have been the dream husband lately trying to fullfil all her needs. Except for the times my insucurities stepped in and i made smart comments or questioned her alot.
The questioning has been her main LB and she says i need to be looking in our relationship not outside of it. I beleive her, she has never lied to me and i cant find any now either.When i first posted my story here all the feedback i got back was i has a WS and thats when i went vigillant and had super anxietys and deppression.Because there were flags there!
I think i will continue with her MC at our joint meetings but mine is out of here.She made me physically ill.But i do agree about the vigillance. I told my W about my suspisions about 10 days ago and asked her for more communication and some transpariency to help me with that issue. Now she is doing exactly that and keeping me informed about her schedule and movements.
By the way she wore one of her wedding bands this morning...yeah!!!!
I am really feeling good about us and i think that maybe if i continue to improve she will continue to come back closer.We are alot better today than we were 3 weeks ago.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> Excellent news!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Find an IC that you feel comfortable with.



I'm not meaning to beat you up, but have you really thought about why you are haveing issues trusting her? That might be something you want to explore with a new IC.

Good Luck, keep improving yourself for you own sake, it will benefit everyone around you.