This is not the end of the world and I could live my life ok without it ever getting resolved but:

My wife wants me to close my eyes during sex (not to get graphic but when she's on top) and won't let me touch her stomouch during sex or as we lay in bed. She says she feels unattractive and self-conscious and doesn't want me touching her "fat" stomouch.

I love her body and feel like I'm missing out by not being able to touch her stomouch.
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Anybody dealt with this problem?-- especially women? What can be done about it? Only thing that comes to mind is to tell her how much I love her body but that is falling on deaf ears. She says she will feel better about herself once she's gone to the gym and lost some weight. This seems like a bad way to think though. I'm all for one doing what they can to keep in shape but it seems wrong to focus on one's looks to the point where they won't let their husband touch a certain area of the body.

Is this feeling common among women? Or is this a dangerous sort of thing like anerexia?

Grab a couple memberships, and head on out to the gym. Your support will mean alot to her; not only that, but your bodies with thank you, and your sex-life will too. The physical activity really helps your endurance and strength, which in turn allows for greater and longer lasting lovemaking. As your wife becomes more fit, she will be open to your caresses once again. Getting fit was the best thing to happen to my sex drive in years! It's magic when my wife rubs my stomach and gobbles me up in her eyes.

wasp,

Most women have body issues....it's hard not to when we're bombarded with commercial images of emaciated and enhanced models....BUT, I do think the extent of your wife's poor self image is interferring with her enjoyment of life and sexuality. How we view our body impacts how we feel about ourself beyond the physical. Women with poor body image are at much greater risk to develop eating disorders.

Here are some articles to share:

http://www.snac.ucla.edu/pages/Body_Image/Body_Image.htm

http://exercise.about.com/cs/exercisehealth/a/bodyimage.htm

http://www.healthyplace.com/Communities/Eating_Disorders/body_image.asp

Yes.

Women always have a hangup with their bodies. Deal with it. It is always: “It is too fat.” “It is too saggy.” “It is this.” “It is that.” In the case of your W it is: “if I lay in a certain position and he looks at it in a certain angle, then the stomach will look in a certain way.”

As goes the old joke: women’s breasts come in 2 sizes: too small or too big.

Sorry, wasp, that’s just reality. Unfortunately, you can’t do much about it. If she asks, then there really is no satisfactory answer: either she is wrong, or she is fat. Ouch!

The best that you can do is to tell her all the time how beautiful she looks. Be proactive. But chose your words carefully, as she will twist unconsciously everything you say around. If you say “I love you just the way you are.” is pretty much the same as saying: “Yeah, you are fat, but so what.”

And no, exercising will not help, because the problem is not the shape of the body, but the perception of the shape of the body.

Why don't guys have the same issues?

I think the answer as to why many women have these issues is pretty plain to see. Since females are born they are constantly judged on how they look. All media and society constantly sends messages to women about how they should look. Sure this is starting to happen more and more to guys these days and I think that we may start seeing more self esteem issues with young men and their bodies in time ( hopefully not). Additionally womens bodies (as we have discussed on previous threads ) change frequently in ways which may be beyond our control and we or our partners may not be happy about these changes.
The response of our partners may be a factor in how we feel about our bodies. As it sounds like wasp is very in love with his wife and tells her he loves her body I dont think this has been a contributing factor to her issues at all.

Wasp I think that the advice you have been given about reassuring your wife and continue=ing to be a loving husband is the best solution, If the issue doesnt start to improve maybe she would consider counseling????I dont know but it is clearly making both of you unhappy so maybe this could be beneficial. Best wishes

Actually AG....the fastest growing group of people with eating disorders....are men. Women may worry about breast size, but men worry about penis size as well as height. Most men are also worried about losing their hair.

Here's a well researched article about the growing number of men with body image disorders:

http://www.healthyplace.com/Communities/Eating_Disorders/men_3.asp

LOL You keep telling yourself that when you're dying 20 years sooner than you should be due to heart disease! Being fit, and being media-influenced, anatomically correct are two whole issues. Trust me, the excercise will make her feel wonderful! Here's a really nice program- I recommend it! Yourself! Fitness. It has everything from cardio to Yoga lessons.

I totally agree with you that it is good to be in great shape. Yes, being in shape prevents a lot of problems.

But this is not what wasp's W's problem is. She does not complain about her body bc she is out of shape. She complains about it because of the way she thinks it looks to him. It is a DIFFERENT problem. Solving a different problem does not help this problem.

Thanks for the link, Star*fish. I good input from you as always!

My view on this: real men care about their appearance, but don't obsess that they are not tall enough, are bald or don't have big enough penis. Real men have more important things to worry about.

As supposedly Jackie O said to a friend who stated to her: "how can you be attracted to someone who is not very tall?", she replied: "Ahh, but he is tall when he stands on all his money!"

As far as the size of the penis goes, just exactly how does a person know how well hung a guy is, unless the person sees him without clothes and erect? I'd be interested to know if average women (i.e. not skanky) attempt to judge a guy on the look of his pants before they have a relationship with him. If anything, an average guy (i.e., not skanky) generally will not try to show off penis through his clothes. When I buy pants, I do not buy any pants that makes me have a too conspicuous bulge in the front.

She joined a gym this week. I hope the excersise in itself will make her feel better.

Last night we were shopping for food and she went and bought some slim fast. I was like "what is this for?" She said it would be food supplament that she could eat in place of lunch. "You're already going to a gym; excersising and then skipping meals isn't good" I said. My personal philosophy is that if a diet isn't something that you can keep up for the rest of your life (for example, eating salads instead of cookies is something you could do the rest of your life where-as the Atkins diet would probably be harmful if done year after year) then you shouldn't do it. Luckily, she saw the price tag and put the slim fast back. Stuff like that makes me worry that she will develop an eating disorder or doing irreversable harm to her body.

I do think she's unsatisfied with how she looks on top of worrying what I and others will think. She has gained maybe 10 pounds in 6 months but it doesn't change my love or like of her body a single bit. When we were talking the other night and I said "you're focusing on looks too much honey. I love you just the way you are. I think you look beautiful and actually like how you look better now than you did 6 months ago". She said "it's like feeling you are ugly... everyone can tell you how beautiful you are but until you believe it yourself it's hard to believe that anyone is being sincere".

Oh well, I'm sure it will probably work itself out just fine with no complications but I was just worried for her and wondering if there's something I could do or say that would help her not care as much about looks.

Wasp, don't worry about Slim Fast. It's OK to use once a day. She probably could not eat it 3 times a day, but its OK for every lunch. Moreover, it has the additional benefit that it goes fast: she can slurp it down in 5 minutes, and get back to work.

AG,

My view on this: real men care about their appearance, but don't obsess that they are not tall enough, are bald or don't have big enough penis. Real men have more important things to worry about.

Well if by "real" you mean secure people with good self esteem don't obsess about their apprearance....I agree. But there are lots of folks....of both genders....who really feel insecure about the way they look and it can be a "real" problem for them. There are many factors that seem to impact "body image"....but there is no doubt that the media is partially responsible for what has shaped our "ideals". Both women and men are presented with body shapes only 5% of them have any hope of achieving.


As supposedly Jackie O said to a friend who stated to her: "how can you be attracted to someone who is not very tall?", she replied: "Ahh, but he is tall when he stands on all his money!"

Nothing against Jackie O....she was mostly a class act...but that's the most disappointing quote I've ever heard attributed to her. I recognize that "attractive spouse" "financial support" are important needs for some men and women....but honestly hope I never find myself married to one. LOL!

As far as the size of the penis goes, just exactly how does a person know how well hung a guy is, unless the person sees him without clothes and erect?

Ummmm....well, I don't know how men compare these things....but my guess (and it's just a guess!) is that they peek at the urinal or communal shower or maybe in some of those boy "contests" us ladies only hear about. They might not always be erect, but some estimations are probably reasonable.

Women have their own ways of comparing of course.

I'd be interested to know if average women (i.e. not skanky) attempt to judge a guy on the look of his pants before they have a relationship with him.

Well of course I'm ABOVE average LOL....but I'm not a skank....so I'll answer anyway. No, I don't judge a guy by the look of his pants. However, once the *ahem* opportunity arises....and I get a real look, in all it's glory....I have been known to like one penis better than another....size not being the deciding factor btw. Would I reject a guy who's manhood was small?....well maybe if he had a small brain to match...but I wouldn't just dismiss him because he didn't meet some arbitrary size "endowment".

If anything, an average guy (i.e., not skanky) generally will not try to show off penis through his clothes. When I buy pants, I do not buy any pants that makes me have a too conspicuous bulge in the front.

I'm not saying women don't notice conspicuous bulges....sometimes, it's hard not to. But I do believe the average woman doesn't make many decisions based on that information.

Body image doesn't really have anything to do with how others view your body....it's about how YOU view your body. A man's wife may love his smooth head....and he can still hate it and feel insecure.

"Well of course I'm ABOVE average LOL....but I'm not a skank....so I'll answer anyway. No, I don't judge a guy by the look of his pants. However, once the *ahem* opportunity arises....and I get a real look, in all it's glory....I have been known to like one penis better than another....size not being the deciding factor btw. Would I reject a guy who's manhood was small?....well maybe if he had a small brain to match...but I wouldn't just dismiss him because he didn't meet some arbitrary size "endowment"."

LOL W00t!!

Part of the reason I'm so "lost" in all this is that I stopped caring about looks a while ago. Half the times I think the "in" look looks bad at face value anyway. The trend these days is sequins on women's shirts. Sequins are gaudy and for kids!! That Tommy-Hillfigure crazy 5 years or so ago was the dumbest thing I ever saw. Sub-par t-shirts selling for $50 - 60 and white trash buying them up because they thought it made them look important. Just retarded!

But even more than that... girls who obsess about body image and point out that people on TV have a great body or not... it just annoys me. Just as long as your not way over weight a fit body and not fit doesn't look THAT different!

My wife actually said she became unattracted to an ex of hers because he gained a lot of weight. I thought that really shallow. I'm only 150lb or so so I don't even worry about having a weight problem some day. But it's still shallow of her. I would never think any differently of her if she gained weight. I'd encourage her to excersise if I thought she was sitting around the house a lot or something but as long as her eating habbits weren't out of control and she was excersising a decent amount, I wouldn't have JACK to say about her weight.

Did you join with her to take advantage of this to get some recreational time together?


Actually, you might do well to educate yourself before making these sort of statements and watch how your communicating with her, being arguementative without knowledge can be a huge love buster where you should be supportive.


Ouch.... Communication Communication Communication..... Who are you to tell her that she's focusing too much on anything? And again careful, while it's great that you think she looks better with the extra weight you have to validate her feeling rather than just tell her she's wrong.


She has every right to care about her looks don't try to take that away. She's stated that she has a problem with her looks, so that's where we are at. Validate her feelings, while at the same time offering compliments. Be supportive. One way to do that is to do your research. Another is to be in the gym with her, then you're not only being supportive you are also meeting multiple emotional needs.

Something to realize is that she feels fat, that is her reality and it is valid to her. Do not tell her that her feelings are wrong. Validate, compliment, and support.

I'm sure you are right. I did join the gym with her-- partly for support. I am a skinny guy trying to gain weight though. So as we signed up, we admitted that we probably won't be near each-other. I'll probably be off lifting weights or swimming and she'll probably be on the cybex machines. Once we walk in the doors, we probably won't see each other. But hopefully us travelling together will keep her going.

I'll take to heart the thing you said about validate and support. I'm bad with that. Some of her needs and thoughts just seem soo silly to me. It's hard for me to give them creedance because I've logiced out the issue in my mind already and decided that fashion and focusing on looks were stupid. It's very hard to try and force myself to accept her view when it conflicts with a much thought over view of mine. Any pointer on how to better be ok with views that I've decided for myself (years ago) are dumb?

We were in Publix the other night and this cashier was talking about how beautiful a Sweedish girl was that he wanted to date. My girlfriend said "looks aren't soo important; they fade anyway" and she looked at me and smiled. I looked at her beaming and laughing at the inside joke because I knew that wasn't usually what she'd say. She was just saying it because she knew that was my view on it. So at least that was some comic relief.

" I am a skinny guy trying to gain weight though. So as we signed up, we admitted that we probably won't be near each-other."

Hmmm, maybe, but try to convince your wife to lift weights with you- the extra muscle will burn fat at rest longer, and your clothes will fit better. Try EXrX.net for excellent help.

Again, for at home training, this link to the excercise program I mentioned is sweet.


I ditto the above bold statement as advice to you wasp89. You can't predict what she's thinking.

Contrary to what Lost husband say I think wasp sounds like he is doing a great job in trying to support his wife through these issues. I read your previous posts wasp on this thread and despite my somewhat hasty assumptions (from the porn post) you are a man who obviously is not interested in modern day media brainwash. You are clearly well balanced and have realistic ideas about a healthy body and body image. If only more h thought like you....Keep going Im sure with a supportive h like yourself your w has the best chance of coming to enjoy her perfectly healthy and natural body again...

Star*fish, rest assured that guys do NOT look at other guys' penises in the shower or at the urinal. I never have, never want to, and I don't think other straight guys do either. If some guy would be staring at my penis while I pee, he would have a problem with me.

And the boy contests are over by about 10 or 11 year old. After than guys who are not gay just have zero interest in looking at other guys' penises, or have their penis looked at.

No, we do NOT compare the size of our sexual organ.