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Joined: Nov 2005
Posts: 38
S
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Joined: Nov 2005
Posts: 38
I'm new to this column, I've been posting under General Questions 2, but recently found out of my WH affair. We have had a rough 5 years in our 8 year marriage, I had 2 affairs, 1 with the same person, the other w/a coworker. The 1st affair had 2 d-days, the second, drove my WH and I to separate back in May. I spent time with the OM over the summer, but by summer's end knew it was enough. I reached my limit, and knew I wanted to do the right thing in my heart and mind and work at the marriage I took for granted for way too long. I have gone through my own hard times of guilt and regret from my actions, and like many, know that I can't change what I've done, only who I am now.

Now I face knowing that my lack of fulfilling my husband's EN lead to his own A. His started (as far as I know) in June this year. He told me that he's been back and forth with his feelings for wanting to work it out with us all summer long, but seems that he's come to a decision not to now. He's ignoring me, we speak so rarely, if anything by email, or from a LB'ing phone call that I make to him. He does not reach out to me at all, as I do not expect him to. I want to Plan A for myself, I am dying for him to see the person that's been buried underneath all this wrong doing and selfish behavior. My angry outbursts (LB's) have reconvinced him that I'm not the person he wants to spend his life with, or as he says, why would he want to come back to this. Good point. I am hurt, because I know what i did to him was wrong, but he's planted in his head that his affair is ok. His family is even ok with it. They're all in a fog. We have no legal separation, no divorce papers, nothing. He sent a SA right before he travelled for business (with her). Then, he left out a book in his apartment that had details of his involvement with her, left it for me to find in his apartment while there to check on our cat. I know it was a LB, finding the book, but he wanted me to find it. He wanted me to know what he's gone and is going through.

This past weekend we had an unplanned meeting at our house, and I LB'd and LB'd and LB'd some more. Complete opposite of what I convinced myself I'd do, there's a lot of anger and blame, and I am falling apart. I want so badly to do whatever I can to work through this, and if at all possible, have him back in my life. I asked him during a calm moment of our conversation if he'd consider speanding any time with me, like once a week, to learn who i am again, sort of rediscover who we each are. Not sure that that's dating, I told him I don't expect nor want a full on marriage, recognizing that it's just not where we are, we're so far off.

WE spoke again yesterday and he just keeps saying there's too many issues that would take too much time. In my heart and mind, I know that so many of those issues stemmed from my affairs and not being completed dedicated and focused on him and our happiness. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> So here I am, struggling every day, wondering how can I Plan A, with the few moments he allows me to enter his life at all. This is sooooo hard. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

He's pushing me for a SA now, not sure if that's to edge him closer to freedom to be with the OW or not. Again, just tells me he's done, over and over and that I just can't accept it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I cant', I know there's so much good buried under the bad.

Joined: Mar 2005
Posts: 43
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Joined: Mar 2005
Posts: 43
I'm new too and in my situation I'm not wanted around. I've been doing small things but the most notible to WS was the sudden absence of my LB. She noticed and it's making it harder for her to keep her mind made up about leaving.

Try to smile and be pleasant when you're around WS - just like you were when you were dating.

Work on imporving yourself because your actions will speak the loudest.


Love never fails. Me 34 Divorced GF 29 Never married DS 1 What a treasure!
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 139
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Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 139
Dear Sad,

I also did things that drove my H away.

During my session with Steve H the advice I was given is this: NO LB's contact him every 3 to 4 days with something nice like an e-card, a Hi, how are you voice mail. See how he responds.

You have a lot of work ahead of you as do I.

Are you a Christian?

Joined: Nov 2005
Posts: 38
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Joined: Nov 2005
Posts: 38
Hi VTY, I am a christian. I appreciate your advice and have actually begun to do just that. I try to not contact my WS every day, I'm trying to step away from the LB'ing and the LB opportunities. It's getting difficult with the holiday around the corner, I find this is a true test of my strength and Plan A ability. It's hard to think of him spending the holiday with someone else. I am hoping to go on my own vacation for a few days, to find peace in sunshine and quiet time with myself, away from the city.

Thanks for reaching out. I hope things get better for you as well.

Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 83
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Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 83
I have left my H with the children. I needed some space to plan my life. I am trying hard to do plan A. I just sent him a lovely email. I will now just wait until I hear from him. I have the exact same issues with him not enthusiastic about spending time with me. I'm not going to beg him but I put it out there and now told him the ball is in his court. I hope he choses love and our family but he is deep into the addiction of the OW. It will take some time. It is very hard but so far one positive is we are not talking about legal anythings. Even though my family is pushing for me to see a lawyer I just will never do that. I will not waste my energy going there. I wish us all luck in this terrible holiday time. It is so sad as this may go down as my worst Christmas in my life. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> amy


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