I'm new to this column, I've been posting under General Questions 2, but recently found out of my WH affair. We have had a rough 5 years in our 8 year marriage, I had 2 affairs, 1 with the same person, the other w/a coworker. The 1st affair had 2 d-days, the second, drove my WH and I to separate back in May. I spent time with the OM over the summer, but by summer's end knew it was enough. I reached my limit, and knew I wanted to do the right thing in my heart and mind and work at the marriage I took for granted for way too long. I have gone through my own hard times of guilt and regret from my actions, and like many, know that I can't change what I've done, only who I am now.
Now I face knowing that my lack of fulfilling my husband's EN lead to his own A. His started (as far as I know) in June this year. He told me that he's been back and forth with his feelings for wanting to work it out with us all summer long, but seems that he's come to a decision not to now. He's ignoring me, we speak so rarely, if anything by email, or from a LB'ing phone call that I make to him. He does not reach out to me at all, as I do not expect him to. I want to Plan A for myself, I am dying for him to see the person that's been buried underneath all this wrong doing and selfish behavior. My angry outbursts (LB's) have reconvinced him that I'm not the person he wants to spend his life with, or as he says, why would he want to come back to this. Good point. I am hurt, because I know what i did to him was wrong, but he's planted in his head that his affair is ok. His family is even ok with it. They're all in a fog. We have no legal separation, no divorce papers, nothing. He sent a SA right before he travelled for business (with her). Then, he left out a book in his apartment that had details of his involvement with her, left it for me to find in his apartment while there to check on our cat. I know it was a LB, finding the book, but he wanted me to find it. He wanted me to know what he's gone and is going through.
This past weekend we had an unplanned meeting at our house, and I LB'd and LB'd and LB'd some more. Complete opposite of what I convinced myself I'd do, there's a lot of anger and blame, and I am falling apart. I want so badly to do whatever I can to work through this, and if at all possible, have him back in my life. I asked him during a calm moment of our conversation if he'd consider speanding any time with me, like once a week, to learn who i am again, sort of rediscover who we each are. Not sure that that's dating, I told him I don't expect nor want a full on marriage, recognizing that it's just not where we are, we're so far off.
WE spoke again yesterday and he just keeps saying there's too many issues that would take too much time. In my heart and mind, I know that so many of those issues stemmed from my affairs and not being completed dedicated and focused on him and our happiness. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> So here I am, struggling every day, wondering how can I Plan A, with the few moments he allows me to enter his life at all. This is sooooo hard. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />
He's pushing me for a SA now, not sure if that's to edge him closer to freedom to be with the OW or not. Again, just tells me he's done, over and over and that I just can't accept it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />
I cant', I know there's so much good buried under the bad.
