This is the first time I have posted, although I have read several other posts for the past few months. I cheated on my H for approximately 1 year. My H found out this past July. Since I have written a no contact letter and we have starteding MC with Dr. Harley. Unfortunately, I felt so sad, lost and hurt that I allowed contact again with the OM. My H had installed software on my computer to track my emails and has found out about the additional contact with the OM.

I have since written another NC letter which was emailed and mailed. The OM was very angry so I don't have any thoughts that that relationship could start again. The problem I have is that I don't want to work on our marriage. I can't seem to put in the past the hurtful things we said and did to each other. I haven't felt like I loved my H for many years.

I hate myself because I lied to my H and caused him such unbelievable pain. I had thoughts of leaving him for 3-4 years, but did not want to hurt him. Now, I can't seem to want to move forward with my H and continuing working on the marriage or continue MC.

My H has tried so hard to make changes in his life and show me his love. So far, I am not allowing myself to accept him. I have read enough to understand withdrawal and fog, but I'm not sure that is my problem. Any ideas?

Welcome to marriagebuilders. You have come to a good place. Women particularly seem to have a very hard time getting back the loving feelings. I think that is because their emotional needs have not been met for so long that they have completely given up on the marriage by the time they have an affair.

Somewhere here there is an article about it. I'll look for it. In the meantime, stick around. There are quite a few ex WW's here that are happy in their marriage again. Hopefully some of them will post.

Question: Based on the comment from above I'm wondering... do you want to save your marriage at all?

If not then do your H a favor and don't make this any worse by giving him false hopes. To have thoughts like that for so long could mean more false recoveries and/or more affairs. Explain to him how you feel and for how long. Also, seek out an IC for yourself to help you see what you want in life.

They way I feel now, I don't want to work on the M. I agree that I need IC to find out what I want. I feel like such a loser for not wanting to work on the M, which doesn't help matters for either of us.

Your feelings are not uncommon. Seek out an IC ASAP. You coming to this site is evidence that you need help and support in your direction. But, more than anything, do not mislead him. Have you talked with him about your past feelings (or lack of)? Maybe there can be an understanding to which you can find out when it started and what may have caused it.

Is it possible you are dealing with any high levels of anxiety or maybe depression? Sometimes people who have untreated anxiety or depression can be stuck in negative thought patterns that don't allow them to make forward progress in their recovery. I just wanted to throw that out there as a question just in case it had not been considered.

I have talked to my H about my feelings. He thinks that I'm not being fair to him or us if I don't try to work on the M. Sometimes I think he is right, other times not. The biggest conflict I have is that I enjoy his company as a friend. He is a wonderful person that I have brought great pain to. We have fun together at times. It is just not enough to make me want to work on the M.

Thanks for the insight. I have thought about the depression factor. That is why I have just come to the realization that IC is necessary. I can't imagine what it would feel like to get up in the morning and feel good about things!

I'm wondering if the guilt and and remorse are still consuming you, clouding the love you had for your H many years ago, therefore leading to depression.

I think you found out that others could lust you, and you liked that excitement. But it was a false excitement. You have to realize it was an artificial thrill. It was an addiction...a high. It was a relationship built on lies and deceit, and relationships like that will only crumble in time.

Are you looking to run away to find that thrill/high again?

Or are you just not wanting to face the destruction you have left?

Lady

What mistakes have you made in your marriage that you are working on currently?

Oh, and before too many questions get fired away, I wanted to let margiethomas know that most people here are well meaning and caring people. Some questions that might seem tough are to help provide an introspective look at ones self. They are not meant to offend. I figured since she was a junior member I would give her a warning that some of us fire away with thoughts and questions, sometimes like myself. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

margie,

When my daughter used to run away and do the destructive things she did. She told me she would literally get at thrill and a high from doing it. Is that what happens with you?

These are things you need to find out within yourself and speak to IC about. Making a personal inventory of yourself, and admitting your faults and mistakes to God and the others you have hurt, will help you come out of the destructive patterns in your life.

You can't run from this.... because no matter how far you run your heart will still be there.

God Bless You,

Lady

I figured since she was a junior member I would give her a warning that some of us fire away with thoughts and questions, sometimes like myself <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

And sometimes like me too! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />



Huggs and prayers for you margie,
Lady

Yes - give it another 3~6 months. You started up the whole "withdrawal" process again by contacting the OM.

And some depression does come from the withdrawal of the affair and the connection to the OM. So when you started back up the conversation with the OM I'm sure there was some excitment that kicked back in and when that was taken away you had to deal with that pain all over again. Why wouldn't you feel depressed. And so you know, I have been there..... I'm a FWH, and a recovering sex addict.

It is possible that the guilt is clouding my judgement. I just don't know. Thank you to everyone for your comments. This is helpful.

I agree that I need to look take a good look at myself and find out who I am and what I want. I'm just afraid that I can't do that why I am trying to rebuild a M that as of right now, I don't feel strongly enough about to save.

[color:"blue"]feelings change .... try to base your long term plans on your values and your core beliefs [/color]

Margie, Give yourself a break. How long has no contact been established? You have no hope of getting to a point where you want to work on your marriage until you are through withdrawal and fog - and that can take anywhere from 4 weeks to 6 months or longer.

Keep up the counselling with Dr Harley. He won't lead you astray. Just keep up with what he says to do.

I know it sounds weird, but your love for your husband will return - it's like a formula - make enough love bank deposits and you will be in love.

To some extent there was a high. To another extent it was a relationship that was free from the sadness that I had in my marriage. It made me like myself again. It gave me a new opinion of my life and where I wanted to go. It was not a relationship that was based on sex, it was more based on common interests and goals.

I know that saying these things just proves that I am clouded by the OM. But I just don't know what to do about my M and my H. I don't want to fall back into the same feelings and only delay the inevitable.

Please read this again, is this really who you are? It was a relationship built on lies and deceipt. There was nothing beautiful or wonderful about it. It was a dirty, discusting, sinful, adulterous affair. It did nothing but make you lose your morals and values and bring pain and shame to you and your family. Maybe this is who you really are, but I hope not.