Ok here goes nothing... X cheated on me(3rd time), broke up our family(3rd time), we've been divorced for about 10 months now, apart for 12. She immediately moved 4 hours away to shack up with this guy and has been living with him ever since. I have full physical custody of our 11 year old daughter and 6 year old son. We have joint legal custody. My daughter has a LOT of anger towards her mom (mom constantly lies to her). I try to keep them at peace with each other, but my daughter just doesn't want anything to do with her.

I started dating a wonderful girl soon after the divorce (yeah yeah, I know, way too soon). A few months later I slowly started letting her be around the kids. The kids loved her instantly, plus she has 2 daughters of her own and they all hit it off.

Over the past 6 months, the kids have been getting very close to my GF. My daughter, and sometimes my son, now want to call my GF "mom"(sometimes, not all the time). I didn't think it was any big deal, we are considering marriage in the future anyway.

My daughter's mother has never been "motherly" to her, her aunts are too busy to have much of a female influence over her, so I believe the "motherly" influence my GF has brought into my D's life has been a good thing. Anyway my Ex's brother, his wife and my X-inlaws all are freaking out at me because my daughter calls my GF "mom"(sometimes).

So quick question... should I forbid my daughter from calling my GF "mom"? Why or why not?

Also, since we are considering marriage, is moving 90 minutes away from where we currently live really such a big deal? And could my x-inlaws legally keep us from moving?

Finally... Am I being selfish? Yes, I love my GF, Yes, I do want to marry her, but the fact of the matter is... if my kids didn't love or even like her or her daughters, I wouldn't be dating her at all.

Thanks!

Is GF living with you?

How long were you married?
How soon after the divorce did you start seeing GF?
How much time does she spend with your kids?
How does GF feel about the kids calling her mom? Where did it come from? How do her kids feel about your kids calling her mom?
Why are you moving?
When will you be married?

No, GF if not living with me. She lives 90 minutes away in a different state, that's why we may move to where she lives. We see each other mainly on the weekends, sometimes holidays.

X and I were married for about 13 years, although, we have been divorced 3, yes 3 times in those 13 years. 3 affairs, 3 divorces, 3 big mistakes(me taking her back) btw, I was always faithful(it's all documented on this site somewhere).

The divorce was signed for a month, but was final for only a few weeks when we first went on a date. We dated for about 3 months before the kids ever met her.

My GF sees the kids as much as she sees me, every weekend.

My GF is flattered, NEITHER one of us EVER ask them to call her that. My D just started it one day, I think she heard her kids calling her mom and she wanted to do the same. Her kids were a little jealous at first but now they want to call me dad, I told them I wasn't ready for that yet, and they were completely cool with it.

Oh yeah... the icing on the cake... my x-inlaws have a problem with my kids getting close to her because she has Hodgkin's lymphoma. Yes, she may die, but she may not. I'm not going to break up with her, or keep the kids away from her because she may or may not recover(so for she's doing pretty darn good!)

There is no marriage date yet... I'm in no rush. I'm thinking the spring or early summer(she wants it ASAP). But I'd marry her today if we could financially pull it off.

Oh yeah... one last thing... since last January(2005) X has kept the kids at the very most 10 times.

Thanks for reading this and for your comments!

[color:"blue"]Why cause yourself problems? Everyone is going to be upset if your kids call GF "mom" and they are all going to be sure that it is some cruel trick on your part to get the kids to "disrespect" the memory of their biological mother.

They will be closed off to the open minded idea that maybe the kids just did it themselves or that maybe bio-mom is not God's gift to motherhood.

Who cares?

Save yourself a lot of grief and just ask the children not to call GF mom - that you understand they like her a lot, but that they do already have a "mom" and all of you could choose to call GF by some other pet name like sweetie if they want to have a special name for GF.

V. [/color]

Okay, here are my thoughts, for whatever they are worth with the information you've provided...
Your DD is looking for a "replacement" for her mom. she misses her mom, she misses what she sees other girls her age have as a mom, and so she wants a mom. GF foots the bill, I believe that's why she's calling her mom...
DD is missing something... have they been to counseling? Do the kids understand this IS NOT mom? Who has talked to her about this? Have either of the two of you?

I'd tell my x-inlaws to take a flying leap!!!
That's just me. This is your life and your family (granted, theirs too-family) but you didn't marry them and you didn't divorce them. Where is their daughter/sister in all of this? Are they in the divorce decree with any legal responsibility? What gives them any power and why do you feel threatened by that.

Oh, and while I'm thinking about it, don't bash Oprah! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I think you DO need to consider your kids in this whole situation. I happen to know that Hodgkin's has about an 80% recovery rate-very good, but still is a serious illness.
Why are YOU moving? Is there a reason GF can't come to where you are? Where is her kids' dad? My thought is you would be ripping your children's support (if there is any from the x-inlaws; oh, and where are your folks?) out from under them.
What I'm saying is... playing devil's advocate... what happens if GF does go terminal-hey, it's a possibility- and you are there, now married, have her kids, your kids... who will be there to support you and your kids? See what I'm saying? I'm just not sure of the sich where that is concerned. I'm a big advocate of doing what is right for the children? Are you selfish? I don't know, what makes you say that?

I'm thinking those kids need some counseling. I think you have a lonely little girl there....maybe scared too.

I won't even get into dating too soon and all that. Yep - I think it's too soon. Please don't rush into marriage, k? And yes, rebounds are selfish, to a certain degree.

I don't think mommy is a good idea. "Miss GF" or just her first name... or like sunny said, if they can come up with a sweet pet-name instead... it would be much better.

This caught my eye too... I know every person has some issues, so no one will be perfect, but how carefully have you considered what you are saying here? What if she does get worse soon after you marry - are you really ready for being a single dad to four kids?

Part of dating is deciding whether you want to accept a person as they are - that is what makes it so different from marriage, where you accept the person as they are and "as they will be" - in other words, you won't divorce someone just because they get sick, hopefully. However, dating is different, you really want to consider whether the perosn is right for you for the long haul.

Again, don't mean to rain on your parade, or to sidetrack the thread, but just wondering about your thoughts on this.

AGG

I think you are setting your kid up for a big heartache if you let her think the GF is mommy. Wait until you are married. Find another name for her to use.

Find another name for GF.
Get counseling for the kids.
And the Hodgkins struck me too. A recovered acquaintance has the best outlook on life I've seen. She's happy to be alive and enjoys life. I'd like to be around someone like that too, just as your kids do.

Out of state is a local court issue, you'll have to find that out for yourself.