Maybe it's always been here and I just clued into it but it seems like there are an awful lot of BWs here with very young children. Is there something about being pregnant or having a baby that makes guys frantic to cheat? Were these WHs always that way? Do they use the lack of attention and sex that comes with the baby thing to justify having an affair? These needs aren't met so, of course, these poor men just need to go out and find comfort elsewhere?

It makes me angry that at a time when a woman should be cherished and honored, her man will go cheat. When the child comes, the man ought to realize that there's a little baby in the house that takes precedent over the big baby. And, oh my gosh, said man ought to try and become an adult. He should step up to the plate as a man and a father. He ought to provide a comfortable place for both mother and child. He should realize that life has changed. Maybe he can't have sex with his wife whenever he wants but what a beautiful thing came from what sex he had.

Sorry, just a little vent. My heart goes out to all of these moms with little babies.

I didn't cheat when my W had DD#1, but honestly I don't know what I would have done if the opportunity would have presented itself. When DD#1 came along, all of a sudden I was treated like the hired help, my presence only acknowledged when heavy objects needed lifting. DD#1 didn't become priority #1 for my W, she became her ONLY priority. I felt left out, and resentment started to build. The more resentful I got, the less helpful I got, and the colder my W got towards me. It was a downward spiral that brought our M to the very bottom. The arrival of DD#2 almost two years later didn't help the situation, though I was more prepared for what would happen as a result.

Unfortunately, the damage had already been done. My W and I had detached from one another, and it took an A on her part for us to realise how bad things had really gotten between us.

BTW - I regret the day that I let my MIL get involved in assisting us just before and after DD#1's birth. Not that she wasn't well-meaning, but she managed to squeeze her way between my W and myself, which further damaged our M.

Will we recover? I don't know at this point. I still love my W, but 6 months after D-Day, and despite my trying to meet her ENs all the time, she still says that she misses certain feelings that she felt she should have for me, and real intimacy appears to be non-existant.

So, don't beat up on the WHs too hard. Though getting involved in an A is 100% their choice and their fault, going from hero to zero in your own house after baby arrives can be a bit hard for many Hs to bear.

And furthermore, many men cheat when their wives are pregnant - GRRRRRRRRRRR. The wife is no longer slim and curvy, I guess. IT MAKES ME SICK!

Now THAT I can't understand. My W and I were very close through all stages of her pregnancy. And I certainly didn't see her as unattractive at any time.

My WW was beautiful while pregnant and she looked awesome. I found her to be extremely attractive during this time. Just my opinion.

Here, here, grapegirl! Thanks for the support...

Maninmotion, what you described is what my WH (well, I guess STBX) has said to me. It was compounded for him b/c DD (now 10 months old, H left right after she turned 7 months) and I have an established nursing relationship. He resented me for it. Ex: every time he'd try to give her a bottle, she'd refuse and scream for me. So then he would say that I "undermine" his efforts to feed her. The night he left, he said he felt she is the only thing I have passion for and that all I needed him for was to help around the house.

Even now that he's out of the house he claims that I "play the breastfeeding card" to interfere with his time with her. Ha. I reminded him that we agreed from the beginning that she would be breastfed for at least a year and told him I wouldn't wean her to make it more convenient for him. I went on to say that BF is more than nutrition, it's comfort, and she needs that now more than ever, so I will nurse her as long as she wants me to.

What's really sad is that right before he left, I was starting to feel more like myself, the hormones had begun to stabilize, I think. I was starting to feel more like a wife again. And he said it's a last ditch effort. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Sadmommy:

Let me ask you something. Do you feel this statement, when looked at in an "objective", non-emotional manner, has any validity? Just wondering.

Lem <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Mommy -

It is NORMAL for a new mom to be all caught up in a new baby. Sheesh, all I wanted to think about or talk about was babies, babies, babies. The hormones are nature's way of providing care for a newborn. Men need to figure it out - that this is just for a season, and things will get back to normal.

My H always thought I was really hot when I was fat with his babies. And after they were born and the milk came in...woowee! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

So regardless of what your WH says, Sadmommy, glory in your figure and enjoy every minute of this special time.

PS My H waited till our youngest was 4 before he cheated.

Lem... heck no I'm not playing the BF card. Since he left, I have had three plugged ducts and a bout of very painful mastitis thanks in part to the stress and being run down after D-day. B/c of that, I have been advised by my lactation consultant and LLL leader to nurse as frequently as possible. Plus, she has bottle issues.

Believer, I tried to explain the hormone business to him, and other folks have, too... he just didn't get it.

As a species, it is in our best interest to protect and nurture our young, especially when they are at their most vulnerable. It is natural for a new mom to be really engrossed in her child. It's an amazing thing to have this little thing spring forth from your body. This bonding is one of the reasons humanity survives. A father who supports this bonding is very important.

I am a firm believer in breastfeeding. I think it is one of the best gifts you can give a child. My OS's pediatrition made me promised I would nurse him for at least a year. I did but nursed my younger 2 for even longer. Guess what? None of my kids have any allergies or weight problems. Between the 3 of them, they've had a total of 2 ear infections. Two, period. BF is not an easy thing to do. It's time consuming, frustrating and can hurt. (Let's talk cracked nipples and mastitis...) In the beginning, it would certainly be a whole lot easier just to mix up a batch of formula and give them a bottle.

I think many H think that BF interferes with "bonding" with their child because they can't feed it. So dumb. Babies only nurse exclusively for 6 months. Even before that, babies still need to be changed, walked, rocked, burped and played with. If a dad wants a relationship with their child, there are many more ways to do it.

Hey, they could always watch "Meet the Fockers" for some ideas....

You said it, grapegirl. Not to mention the money you save from not having to buy fake baby milk. Since H left and I started having supply issues, I had to resort to supplementing with formula because I couldn't pump enough at work. I hate having to do it. The bottles she gets at daycare are half and half. Man, formula is SOOOOO expensive.

What's kind of funny is that DD never had any problems at all, except for the occasional runny nose of daycare-itis, until I had to start supplementing with formula. Two weeks after I did that, bam! Her first (and so far only) ear infection. Plus her eczema flared up.

Hi GG,

I agree with you.It seems to me,in my experiences with my women friends,that men really need some counseling or educational groups to attend to pre/post-birth.They want you as a wife to look and be sexy and attractive,talk about having a family but when it comes right down to it and the baby is on the way and then born,they drop out and feel pity for themselves.If they aren't willing to be there the whole nine yards then don't consider being a father.*Of course this isn't ALL men.

Yes most if not all women are totally enamored with their new babies but a husband has to be strong enough to recognize that a woman who has new baby is going to be focused fully on that new child,not sex,not the husband,not the home, a lot of times not on much else.I remember being in my PJ's for a long time just because it was comfortable and I was doing nothing but feeding the baby and trying to grab some sleep whenever I could.It's a very intense time that lasts for many months until things settle down.You have to have strong coping mechanisms in place or there can easily be resentment and feuds.

IMO some men will never grow up.They are only adult children and when they don't get what they want they start looking elsewhere and it isn't only about sex.Who suffers the most though are the children.

One example about my own WH I'll never forget was that he was supposed to pick me up from the hospital a couple of days after the birth of my second child.He showed up with no car seat or my coat and it was cold out.Instead of calming me or doing what he needed to do, he picked an argument with me and refused to go and get the car seat.Real nice actions after giving birth to his child,I just couldn't comprehend what he was thinking.If I'd had a 2x4 back then..... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

O

It's a big sacrifice to nurse your baby. I worked with OS. It's really, really hard when the mom is working. I remember trying to express milk while driving on the highway to pick up the baby. This was in the days before "Lacatation Lounges". I'd squirrel myself away in a dingy, very unprivate bathroom while trying to fill a bottle plus relieve the pressure. There's the guilt associated with not producing enough. And everybody telling you how you ought to give up and give that kid a bottle.

It takes determination and dedication to nurse a baby. You are tethered to a baby. There's no leisurely dinners. No glasses of wine. No long shopping trips alone. You learn how to do many things with your other hand. (Experienced nursing moms will definitely understand that remark.)

So in the end, what is more selfish, a mother who nurses for the good of her child or a father who thinks the child or nursing is an interference? Does any woman nurse her baby to get "back" at her husband? Read the studies, breast is best.

And Sadmommy5, as tough as it is, I bet nursing gives you a lot of comfort in your trials.

I nursed both of my boys until they were 3. I know, a little bit too long. Now they are 21 and 24. They've been blessed with good health, they eat anything they want, and are both very slim.

I was lucky enough to be a SAHM. I really don't know how working moms do it.

Q: So in the end, what is more selfish, a mother who nurses for the good of her child or a father who thinks the child or nursing is an interference?
A: You can rationalize anything as being "for the good of the child". Having a healthy child is important; having a healthy marriage is important. It is all about balance and listening to each other. Dismissing your H as "childish" is asking for trouble.

What is the most important thing for a child? To have parents who love each other. You want your child to be happy? Have a good relationship with your spouse.

For us the problem was me even wanting a baby. Wh says it drove him nuts that I was "obsessed" with getting pregnant. He says he felt like a "stud" -- something most H's would enjoy, right? I did want a baby, we did struggle with infertility and ended up with one DS. I wanted more and he seemed to agree with me at the time, but now I know it was one of many problems between us. Now I have chosen my marriage over another baby. I pray that WH will choose our marriage over OW or freedom or anything else.

Yes, Jimmy. The nursing is something we discussed before DD came into the world. H went to the Just for Dads class at the hospital. He talked with his dad about being a dad. We both thought things would be great when our family was complete. We were both so excited. However, he couldn't handle it. I guess I should've had a clue when one day, a few months before she came, we had this conversation:

me: You know, H, our lives are going to be completely different when the baby gets here.
H: Our lives won't change that much.

Men just don't get it.

Grapegirl,
I think you are onto something here ... maybe someone should start a research on this ...

In my case, we were struggling with infertility for one year when he met OW. I finally got pregnant after 18 months (dealing with PCOS)
At that time I think he was already in A ... though he swore it was just his work what was keeping us apart ...

Then after DD was born, I found out for sure about A ... I asked him to leave when DD was only 4 months and he did ...
unkonwn to me at that moment that OW was pregnant with OC ...
DD and OC are only 9 months apart ... you do the math <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />