Brief bit of info:

Both had As. Mine was brief and has been over for some time. Thought we were in R, but found out very recently we are not. We are separated, yet, there have been signs that WS still has feelings for me. WS has been making more effort/overtures in the M than was made prior to leaving. Suspect OW forced his hand, but is not meeting all needs as he keeps coming to me.

Questions I have are about Plan A/B and Exposure-

1. If I expose, then I risk my A being exposed as well and the impact of exposure being lessened due to that. Do you still advise exposure in these circumstances?

2. How long of a Plan A is recommended before Plan B?

3. Have kids and are currently sharing financial responsibility for house, cars, etc. Is it OK for this to continue after Plan B or should I make other arrangements?

4. When do I let my WS know that I know again (about on-going A)? I want to do things correctly this time. Do I Plan A and then reveal what I know in the PBL? Or, should I reveal it now (during Plan A). Obviously, if I expose, then WS will know that I know.

Any other tips/advice welcome <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> I really believe we can make a go of this, if the A ends and there is a true commitment to the M. I am just scared that it has been going on too long now.

U have a handful of issues and sitches.....best to call Steve @ MB and get a solid recovery plan. Steve will help you understand your risks and benefits. U will learn to weigh each element and make a best judgement decision.

There r risks no matter what u do.

L.

I have a call in already, but I am open to any input you advise. I am really hurting right now and could use some guidance. I know you had a lot of false recoveries, so any help would be appreciated. I cannot sleep right now.

I know u can't sleep but you must rest. Ok, read the link in my sig line about "Trueheart's letter to the WS". Depending on where your Ws' state of mind is, if it isn't too far up his but, it maybe good to share it. Mind you this was written in an effort to get my Ws' but out of his azz..... LOL!!! Didn't work but it helped many others. Later he came to his senses but not before taking me through the ringer. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

Also, read about the stages of grieving a BS goes through. This will help you understand what you may experience as a BS. Being an Xws will just emphasize the pain. The point is not to dwell but to learn and move forward.

Here's an important piece of advice: Pray for a clear mind and a calm heart. Don't aplogize to a WS for being a loving W. Don't. That's a mistake many a BS make. When they do, it gives the WS strength. U don't want the WS t/b strong. U want the WS to be confused, wobbly and weak. You want your H t/b strong in a good and loving way. U want your H to fight for his M and family.

take care,
L.

Thanks Orchid. I do not think he will read the letter, but let me peruse it and decide.

Do I tell him I know about false recovery or keep it to myself while I try to Plan A somewhat?

What finally brought your H home?

Orchid: You don't have to share it with him now. It may help you see his side (foggy as it maybe). File the info away. It will come in handy later.



Orchid: No, right now is NOT the time to teach the WS anything sane. WS' are not good students. They don't want to learn, only destroy. So don't throw your 'pearls b4 swine'.


Orchid: After the initial shock wore off and he tried to come home....see deep down in his hardened heart, he knew the best place for him and where he truly wanted t/b was with his family. He always put a wall between him and his family (parents and siblings), then he had a bad breakup with former GF (b4 me), never felt successful, then brought that wall into our M (though I thought he was overcoming it because he was truly more happy around me (that's what his siblings commented shortly after we got married). Still his inferiority and CA complexes made him a prime A candidate. The fact that the OW was prowling for a white boy to dangle from her arm was just too good t/b true for her. She pounced on this guy and even fought off another OW on the internet. LOL!!! What she got looked like a good package when in reality was a guilt ridden man who knew exactly what he stood to lose.

It was after the initial shock wore off (that took months) that I started to gather the courage to move forward. Going to plan B (several times) was a life saver for me and kept me from feeling the guilt that often causes the BS to apologize for stuff that is not their fault.

After several attempts of breakups, OW's false prego's and miscarriages, along with many other problems, the WS decided he was going to come home permanently even if it meant losing his family. See I was ready to move on. I did. Our family (son & I) learned to survive w/o the WS or H. While we loved him we did not tolerate the WS. Everytime his WS character would emerge (due to renewed contact), out came plan B and out the door he went.

On a family vacation that I had planned back in 2003, the OW decided it was her time to 'expose' to me. I was furious. Here I was on vacation at my parents home and I get this incredibly vicious e-mail from the OW. Well I should have known.....everytime they fight, I get the backlash. Either a phone call or e-mail.

The WS received a call telling him NOT to join us on vacation as planned but to move out. I let him stew and suffer on this matter for a while. He cried and begged me for 1 more chance. Promised to leave w/o an argument.

I was just as angry because my 1 vacation was now tainted with this A crap. I was furious. A few MBers had to calm me down.

In the meantime, the OW pulled out her trump card. She filed an RO against the Xws with false charges of attempted murder. We went to court and because he asked me to accompany him, I got the 'privilege' of meeting the tramp. She wasn't even pretty. LOL!!! The OW showed her psycho side to the judge who ruled that this case was nuts and both of them needed to stay away from each other for 3 years.

OW was so much of a nothing, that after the hearing and judgement, she passed me in the hallway. I didn't even notice her. LOL!!! Talk about not making an impression. LOL!!! Wish I had noticed her and .............. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> well..... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Anywho.....that is when it really all stopped. End of summer in 2003. It started in August 2000. 3 loooong years.

I think it was when he saw me move on and the psychoness of the OW. He realized even though the fog his choices were waaay off base. His own sanity was in question by himself. That's when the healing began.

I no longer had to prove anything. It wasn't about me improving myself, it was about him earning his way back and us forgiving him. He had to restore our trust in him.

L.

When do I let my WS know that I know again (about on-going A)? I want to do things correctly this time.

why would you not tell him ?

If I expose, then I risk my A being exposed as well and the impact of exposure being lessened due to that

when you say this do you mean that he doesn't know about your affair or that others don't really know about your affair and you are worried that mutual family will hear about you both at the same time...

ARK

Did your marriage break up over your affair? How long seperated? How long has your affair been over and did he start his after he left?

ditto on ML's questions - help us with a bit more info - after your A, did you guys stay together?

My H started his A and the left due to pain he hadn't been able to get over due to my affair...


And like Ark said - mutual family...I could expose because H had told everyone on his exit about what I had done 6 months previous as justifications for his leaving - he left out he was currently in an affair though.

BUT - when i exposed - becaue of H telling everyone, it didn't work. Everyone felt H was the honest one, he had every right to leave over what I had done, and I was the liar due to what I had done first. I even presented proof - and was still told I was the one who had the making up to do - that OW was just as friend...

If her affair was first and his was second, she may run into the same problems when exposing to friends and family...no matter how convincing she is that she wants to save her marriage...

Serene:

I also would be interested in more information about your situation...

It seems like you are attempting to try to tackle a lot at once...

I don't see any reason whatsoever not to let him know that you know that his A is continuing...

You want to be sure not to enable his deceitfulness..You don't want to join in with this at all...

Orchid, thanks for sharing so much. My goodness, you went through a lot!! I hope my saga ends well, but does not take so long to get there <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />)

Because right now I think he is cake-eating and trying to keep my hanging on. When I tell him I know, I want to be frank and as emotionless as I can be so I do not LB. Right now, it is too close to the surface. Plus, I need to decide when the information will be the most beneficial. The last time I caught him, I took him back way too fast with no plan for R. That is part of why we are here now. So, I guess the question is, now that I have proof again, how should I address it with him? I would like some time to Plan A a bit.



Most of mutual family do not know about the As (either of them). Plus, I am concerned that some are not going to see it as "cheating" since we are separated (even though we agreed not to date others).

M was damaged significantly by my A, but the actual separation only happened about a month ago. I feel we never got to a place where he was completely committed to the M. His A did not die a natural death and I had no plan in place for R. It has been a mess. My A has been over around 10 mos. (his was supposedly over too). His A started about a month into mine, so they were overlapping for a bit (but, I did not know that at the time...came to light a bit later). He said he does not want to date other people.

I think this has been one of the biggest issues and a lot of re-writing of marital history. He never had a chance to know whether it could work with her and here I was LB'ing like crazy. He was not very emotionally connected to me anymore because of my A and his A. (We have gotten much closer since then, but still have a long way to go). I feel like in some ways I pushed him back into her arms. It has never really felt like R to me. I do not feel like he stayed because he was 100% committed, I think he was afraid to lose me, so he tried to break it off, but somewhere along the line, they started up again. They have been together off/on for around a year.

When was the last time you had contact with the OM? Did you end contact immediately when he found out about your affair? What was his reaction to your affair?

So, how would you suggest I address it?

My concern is that we see each other so little as it is and I feel like we are not that connected. If he knows I know, he may not feel the need to continue any of the time we spend together because he does not need to keep his secret anymore. I am concerned that I have not been able to do a good Plan A. The separation has led to some LB'ing recently. But, he has shown some efforts at staying connected with me even though he is gone (more physical touches and talks on the phone).

Should I reveal what I know to him and state what I want/need and then Plan A if he does not comply, or go straight to Plan B?

What about exposure--should I do it and when??

Thanks <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Serene, I would suggest staying in Plan A for some time, working on your relationship and avoiding lovebusters. I don't think exposure is going to get you anywhere here because he probably feels like he is entitled because a) you had an affair and b) he is seperated and moving on. I would simply work very hard on attracting him back.

1. around 7 mos ago
2. I did not admit it was a PA until after NC. No, I did not end contact immediately. I stopped PA before I stopped EA.
3. His reaction to my A was to (briefly) Plan A me (though he did not know that is what he was doing), and then withdraw and start an A of his own.

He rarely discusses mine, which I feel is part of the problem. He has CA issues and he builds up a lot of resentment without discussing things with me. I am tried and hung without ever getting to "testify".

Gotcha. I imagine the continuation of your affair 3 months after D-Day really did him in. Your affair did not really end 10 months ago, but 7 months ago if that was the last contact. Continuation of the affair after D-Day is usually much harder on a BS than D-Day itself.

I assume when you say you did not admit it was a PA until "after nc" that this was done immediately afterwards? Or did you continue to lie about that for some time?

The reason I am asking is because I am trying to understand how much damage has been done here. If he was willing to try just after D-Day, that willingness could have been quickly destroyed by a) continued contact with OM and b) lies about the facts of the affair. That is usually what destroys all chances of recovery.

At what point in all this did he just give up?

p.s. are you in ANY kind of contact with the OM? I mean ANY contact..