Hi,

I've been posting in Just found out but looking for more input. here is the thread that has been going on http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...;page=0#2861198

I was just checking up on the S cellphone to see if she remains true to her word. I come across a text message she sent to herself. A phone number. I do a rev search and find this to goto a family lawyer.

the text was done on sunday around 630p. Little after 7p is when my S told me she went through with the no contact like I had asked and that night appologised to me (story in prev thread).

There is work ahead of us, but my worry now is this phone number. i want to approach her on this but don't know how. I think she may have looked it but because of what happened the night before, that saturday. After arriving home and having it out, one of my outburst before we calmed down enough to talk was that i was taking our D and going for full custody and she would sign over all rights to her. My doing on this was, I'm always been the one taking care of her. She's off playing at our expense, and one of the things S also told me a few weeks ago when she originally brought up separation was that if she had to do it over again with our D, she wouldnt of had her. this hurt me badly and was the reason why i would do this.

I didn't want to end things with her but just couldn't keep it up with her anymore. This was her wakeup call and she responded to it. Like I said though, inlight of this phone number, I don't know what to make of it. how worried should i be? i dont want to be side blinded with separation or divorce papers out of no where.

i have been trying to talk to S. right now she's going through the withdrawls of nc with op. i had told her we needed to set time aside each day to talk. she said that would make it a chore to do that and didn't want to do that but let it happen. my feelings are that if we do that, it will never happen and the feelings will bottle up again. i tried a few times to talk with S tonight but seemed i just couldn't get myself to do it for something happened or popped up. now i sit with feelings building up and i don't want they to explode the wrong way.

I'm going to end up saying home from work in the morning to talk with her. But the lawyer issue is one thing that is really working me over right now and don't know how to address it.

any suggestions or help would be great.
thanks

lost

LANH,

I noticed on your other thread you’ve asked some questions on withdrawal. Please read the following link:

A quick start guide on withdrawal for FWS’s and BS’s

Since your W was involved in an EA with a “friend” at work, you might find the following thread helpful to give you more insight in workplace A’s and how it usually develop. Also read all the other links in this thread - especially the one I've posted yesterday:

Emotional infidelity in the workplace

I was thinking maybe you must tell your W about the phone number you've found on her cellphone; ask her about it and share your worries & fears about this with her, but I’m not sure if it will be the right thing to do on this stage... I hope others will pop in soon to give their advice and opinions on this.

Take care.

hi suzet,

i'm hoping on the withdrawl stage will be quick, but only time will tell. The EA was not very long. I first found the emails on 11/1 and started my introvention on it. We had our long discussions on it. Then Saturday when she pulled the stunt she did, I about lost it. We agreed prior to that, we never really recovered from a similar episode 2 years prior. A man in question but nothing I could prove and it only went on for 2 weeks, plus her female friends clouding her mind as well.

What happened then was a huge fight with some I'm sorry's and then put behind us. never really addressed it. i wish i was looking for help then and found this site, would have prevent where i'm at now. but can't live on the could of, should of, would of.

I would like for us to move in the next few weeks to where we were planning to move to but i'm not sure what she is going to say on that. just put it all in storage and stay with my dad until we get enough money to get a place then move our stuff down. it would really take away the OP for sure, only would have to deal with phone and emails, but those are harder for her to conceal.

It drives me nuts that I can't see the end of the road, but I know there is a end, just don't know when well get there.

LANH,

Please note I’ve edited my previous post and have put an extra link for you to read as well as my opinion on what you should do after you've discovered the phone number on her cellphone.

Also check out the following helpful links (in case you haven’t read it yet):

The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A

WAT's Quick Start Guidelines for Betrayed Spouses

Bob's Newly Betrayed Spouse MB Toolkit

hi suzet,

i haven't reads bobs toolkit yet, but will look into that one. anyone else have any suggestions before S wakes up in about an hour or so

thanks
lost

Things are sounding promising, but there are a few problems. First, she still works with OM. She needs to have no contact ever again, for any reason. Otherwise she is likely to still be emotionally attached to him. She needs to quit her job. Your marriage depends on it.

Second, you have been doing some love-busting by calling her names. Stop that completely.

hi believer,

i agree with the no contact and she should quit her job to get away. The only reason why we decided this was not a good idea is financial wise. trying to find a job here is next to impossible which is why we were going to be moving anyways in feb. right now i feel that i can kick that up and we can stay with my dad and just put our stuff here in storage until we have the money to move it to where we are going to be. my dad said that would be fine.

the LB'ing, i messed up on that bad. i was so angry and in pain when she lied to me then see her at op's house. i should have calmed down a bit before saying anything, but my fault i didn't.

my last concern right now is the lawyers telephone number that she texted to her phone. This was after we had our incident but before she told op no more. no calls were made to the lawyer from what i can tell. won't know on that until tomorrow when cell bill comes out. i'm just concerned on that. i want to approach her on this but not sure if i should or not and if i should how, without her feeling that i still dont trust her (which i don't and told her this) and make matters worse.

lost

I wouldn't worry about the lawyer. I think it was in response to your LB'ing. Your problem right now is that she still works with the OM. That HAS to change.

Also you say you are ill and can't afford treatment. What is up with that?

Are you having financial problems with both of you working? If so, I would start working on that.

Hi believer,

Well my medical condition has been cronic migraines over the past year. The dr couldn't find anything wrong and just treated it as a migraine. Once nose bleeds and holes in my vision started to kick in he was concerned. i have 2 mri's one didn't show anything and the 2nd i had done during a mirgraine, something showed up. it looks like a vein is ballooning up when i get stressed and caused my migraines. i'm on beta blockers right now to offset the blood pressure when i stress. my dr doesn't want to confirm the diagnosis and has me set to see a specialist. right now it's next to nill getting in because of the end of the year and holidays. they are not taking new patients until january. if i go outside my insurance i'll have to pay for everything. that i can't afford.

financially we are holding ok, i've been in and out of work a bit so were breaking even. we only gross combined about $35k which isn't alot in this area and we usually hold ok. So i know with my condition and my being in and out of work has added some stress on my S. Being that we pick up overtime when we can to make up the difference.

insurance is one of the main reasons why i haven't moved sooner. because i get a job in AZ insurance isn't going to cover this since it's a prexisting condition and i don't want to start all over on treatments with a dr, when i pretty much know where this may be going. i'm going to be talking with my S in about an hour or so when our D goes to school.

I'm trying to get it where we talk everyday out our feelings and stuff besides the normal everyday things. just to keep things out in the open and so nothing bottles up. she said thats too much of a chore if we have to schedule it everyday. but she said this on saturday night after we decided to work everything out and i think she was still a but frusterated.

i'll also probably just bring up that i'm worried she my blind side me with papers but not bring up the phone number yet. see what kind of reaction i get.

Lost

i still haven't had the chance to talk with S about lawyer or anything really. its hard to do it when our D is up and that's not the ideal time. i'm going to try to convince her tonight that time needs to be set away every day to go over our feelings besides the usual chatting. that is easy, but really talking is difficult for me to do and open up to her. something i'm now trying to over come knowing this was one of the issues that wasn't met with her.

one of the things i was going to talk with her as well on was, what EN was the OP meeting. Was it needs that i used to meet and not anymore or needs i never met to begin with or a bit of both. Would that be an appropriate question to ask her. I'm now wanting to bring some closure here (for me atleast) but still learn from this. she has been doing well from what i can see. i'm not noticing really any withdrawl symptons but i think she may be hiding them from me. i still get the cold shoulder in bed where she's way off on her side and i'm on mine. when she does roll over and cuddles up its like she realizes that she mad at me or something then pushes back. i thinks this is normal for what has happened. but yesterday evening we actually cuddled up on the couch together and fell asleep, then after that she went into this defence mode

we have opened up talking in general more, how the day was, what work was like, the people we delt with, traffic, news, stuff like that. which feels good. i have been trying to meet her EN but i think it's still falling on deaf ears. i'm still following with plan a. i decided to fill out another EN questionnaire and see that my needs have changed as well since the last one which was 3 weeks ago. how often should you fill it out or is once enough. i think your needs are going to change from time to time and that would be good to communicate that to S so she can try to meet them and vice versa.

thanks
Lost

ok, so i talked with S tonight. Told her how I had the gut feeling about possible being blind sided with divorce papers. I asked if that was just me and my feelings. She responded with I can't tell you how to feel. So I rephrased the question to "Are you planning on filing papers", she said she doesn't think so (i think the fog is still on her, any who can interpet this please do).

So we talked, or I should say I talked. I told her I was sorry again for what I had said on saturday, which she replied to that it was good I said that (ok, is she happy i said sorry or is she speaking in code?). I asked how long her and OP been going on with EA. She said only a few weeks, when I first discovered it. 11/1. So they really haven't had a chance to get full boar into it, but then again i guess anything can happen in that short amount of time. She said all they did was talk. I asked her what needs did he meet. Needs that I used to meet, needs that i never met or a little of both. she said a little of both. I asked her if she was able to give me something specific, she said no (still think fog and withdrawl on this).

I told her again that it hurt that she told me my efforts where out of pity and despriation and that my feelings and effection was pure. No response from her. I touched on some of our past when we first met. She remembers what I wore. I forgot what I was wearing but I remember we didn't hit it off very well. I brought up how long it took us to first starting to show affection, to falling in love to going out. (@ 6 weeks, @ 8 weeks and @ 10 weeks after we met). I told her some things that help me get by with the hard times is I think about the good times we had and everyday pick a different time so there isn't any two times that come up in the same week.

I mentioned her walls that she has up. She said she needed to figure herself out (something to that effect) before really working on us (i'm not quite sure what she means here). something similar to this. any one who can decode this let me know too.

I asked her what was on her mind, she didn't respond. I told her i am here for her and if he needs somebody to talk to or shoulder to cry on, that would be me. I told her i would listen, not judge, give advice if she needed it but was there so she can talk through her problems. She didn't say anything there.

I told her for the things i said, i was angry and hurt and should have never did it to begin with. I only said them things because i wanted to feel how i was feeling and that was wrong.

I think she's still in the fog or she's going through withdrawl. I did bring that up and was concerned on that for her as well. Anyone can tell me if i'm no the right path or give me any other suggestions please do. I told her I want this marriage and don't want her to give up either.

Lost

anyone? just want to make sure i take the best possible approach here and make sure i understand whats going on in her head. still going with the best possible plan a that i can.

thanks
lost

I had one extra question that is on my mind right now. my dad says he can fly my D and I to visit him for a few day a few days. I want to do this to get a break but i don't want to do this to give S a chance to slip back into what was going on. you know the cat is away so the mice will play. i would rather have her come with me for those few days as well.

any thoughts on this?

"She said she needed to figure herself out (something to that effect) before really working on us (i'm not quite sure what she means here). something similar to this. any one who can decode this let me know too."

This means that she is still in contact at work with the other man and has no intention of working on the marriage.

i was thinking that but yesterday would have been the first contact since 11/26. she has told me several times over the past month that she never had a chance to enjoy her teenage years because she had her first D when she was 16 (long before we met) and said went from childhood to adult. i'm thinking, that is what happens when you have a kid and have to take responsiblity.

i'll press on her again tonight to see if she is still in contact with op, she will probably lie so i'm going to talk with my supervisor to see if i can talk with both of their's and expose it further.

Expose them at work, or ask her to quit. Any kind of contact stops progress in rebuilding your marriage.

I would agree...you know that they're still in contact at work, but you have no way to know what the extent of that contact is.

Does your wife have any vacation time coming to her? Can you talk to your boss/her boss to discuss a TRANSFER for her away from OM's area?

Bluntly, she's going to be in this 'fog' for as long as she has ANY kind of contact with OM. She's going to remain indecisive for as long as you are continuing to work to meet her needs AND she can still have any kind of contact with OM.

There may be no OBVIOUS contact (no txt messages or emails), but how do you know what she does at work?

Believer is right...when she says she's got to 'work this out herself first'...she's really saying "I want time to continue to explore my feelings for OM".

I say contact your HR department, discussing the possibility of a transfer. Then if they say it's possible, take that back to your wife and let her know that HERE is her option. That, or end working there completely.

If you find any proof of further contact, I would consider exposing the affair to your friends and family...to include hers too. You need to get people on board with putting the pressure on her to end her illicit relationship with this guy. NO friendship should ever take priority over your marriage. I would even let her know what an emotional affair is...and let her know that she's smack dab in the middle of one. She won't like it, but it's the truth.

Only thing I can think of is using web email, not hotmail unless she made a new acct, but the webmail from our provider. I saw his email address in her contact list but cant prove that contact goes on at work through this means though.


I'm going to see about talking to her boss today. I'm not sure if she has any vaction time left.


i was thinking this also because this never came up in the past.


I have talked with HR, they said she hat to talk with them to do anything. She brought up once that she would quit. I think she knew that i would say its not a good idea because of financial reasons, but i think i have come to a solution on this. i just need to talk with my dad more on it.


i'm planning on bringing this up with her mom and maybe her sister. her mom and I get along ok but i don't know about her sister. she really has never given me the time of day, her husband is nice though, we went to school together. I know her mom wouldn't like a Divorce because it would mean she really wouldn't get to see our D as much or really at all.

I told my S about being in a EA and sunday she came clean and things were looking good. this drives me so crazy. i know i haven't met some of her needs, but why did she have to go outside of the M to get them met, instead of bringing them to me.

I'm going to call her mom on my lunch. i hope i can get ahold of her and will update after that.

Lost

ok,

tried to get ahold of my MIL, guess she doesn't have vm. so i'll try when i get home if not email her and my SIL. I talked with HR, I can't talk to her boss and this was made clear to me. They cannot do anything unless she comes to them. She cannot transfer out of that dept. She has to wait the usual 6 mo before req a transfer. So work is now out of the question for help. I have all the support I can get from my sup, but that isn't going to be enough. without hard proof rexposing this is going to be tougher. i would like to think she is making good on NC, but it didnt sit right with me and with believer and owl pointing it out as well, means i need to investigate further and find some ways to find out.

i'll update more later tonight. any other suggestions or interpetations on all of this from last night would be helpful.

thanks
lost

Here's what Harley has to say about no contact -


Never see or communicate with a former lover

Once an affair is first revealed, whether it's discovered or admitted, the victimized spouse is usually in a state of shock. The first reaction is usually panic, but it's quickly followed by anger. Divorce and sometimes even murder are contemplated. But after some time passes (usually about three weeks), most couples decide that they will try to pull together and save their marriage.

The one having an affair is in no position to bargain, but he or she usually tries anyway. The bargaining effort usually boils down to somehow keeping the lover in the loop. You'd think that the unfaithful spouse would be so aware of his or her weaknesses, and so aware of the pain inflicted, that every effort would be made to avoid further contact with the lover as an act of thoughtfulness to the stunned spouse. But instead, the unfaithful spouse argues that the relationship was "only sexual" or was "emotional but not sexual" or some other peculiar description to prove that continued contact with the lover would be okay.

Most victimized spouses intuitively understand that all contact with a lover must end for life. Permanent separation not only helps prevent a renewal of the affair, but it is also a crucial gesture of consideration to someone who has been through ******. What victimized spouse would ever want to know that his or her spouse is seeing or communicating with a former lover at work or in some other activity?

In spite of career sacrifices, friendships, and issues relating to children's schooling, I am adamant in recommending that there be no contact with a former lover for life. For many, that means a move to another state. But to do otherwise fails to recognize the nature of addiction and its cure.