WW and I had second JC session Monday night. I have been in a confused/bad mood since. First session went rather well and we were given a task of making a list of what we think we each need to talk about and bring it to the 2nd session. We never got to WW's list but mine consisted of: Do we each want the marraige to work and work at it? and I also wanted to know some truths about the affair. Total and honest disclosure. Well WW said she had alot of feelings to work thru as we work on marraige as I do also. This I understand but what I don't is this. The counselor suggested I make a list of questions about the affair i would like answered and give it to WW. Yes,I have alot of questions but in my opinion my WW should come clean and just tell me the truth and nothing but without my questions. WW can just answer(probably less than honestly) what she needs to if I were to draw up a list. You see what I mean? Since D-Day in August I have been the one to initiate all relationship talks etc. WW has not once called or sat and said "we need to talk" or "I have something we need to discuss". There has been nothing like this from her. I'm doing all the work it seems and now she has an out as not not disclosing fully the details of the affair. Which if I'm to heal I need. WW and I have been very distant since 2nd Jc session. being seperated doesn't help. Any thoughts?

Wow.

Tell me has No Contact been established?

Why have you separated?

I don't necessarily think that a list of questions is a bad idea as long as the counsellor is not saying you can't ask anything else.

My D-Day was also at the end of August. When my wife came home to me, I sat her down and asked for a blow by blow description. I am sure she sanitised and missed details but she has always been open to answering any questions I have asked even though that has really hurt her.

Make your list of questions. That will do for starters. Ask any other questions you have.

Over the next weeks and months, you will find she will make a comment or say something and that will sit in your mind for a while and then you will need to ask a few more questions.

It's hard I know.

If NC is established, when was that? She will still be totally foggy if she still has contact. And it will take a minimum of 4 weeks of no contact for her to start feeling better and to want to talk about your relationship. Relationship talk is a waste of time and effort (yours) if she is still in withdrawal.

IMHO, u should suck it up and make the list. This is no time t/b pulling the "I think it isn't fair' card. The MC does not need 2 airheads.

Making the list will allow you to ask your questions without major emotions. Then the responsiblity w/b on your Xws to give the answers to help you get to the closure stage.

Please read the stages of grieving thread in my sig link. Maybe you will then understand what is ahead for you as the BS.

Do the exercise as recommended by JC. It w/b worth the effort.

NOTE: Most of us don't even get to have sessions with JC or SH. Consider it a privilege you have this opportunity.

Don't let your pride blow it. Time will come when the Xws will have to do her share of the recovery work and it w/b more than what you need t/d (if you have done a good job w/plan A).

L.

To answer your questions: I kicked her out after i found out about affair. I flew off the handle and figured she wanted to be with him. NC is a tough issue. She had the affair with her ex-husband. They were divorced in 1985. They have 2 sons(31 and 28) and they each have daughter(2 grandaughters). I've been told she hasn't had any contact by her but sons I imagine are still advising each of the others situation. As for withdrawl she's probably never gotten over him in these 20 years. I mean to say they were married/in love and the affair only rekindled feelings. Withdrawl may be a while and I've made it clear I'm here for her. Just a doormat/loser.

Jasper,

I hear your pain but that does not excuse you from the exercise. Sorry for being so hard on you but it is for your own good.

If you don't follow through with the IC's request, then it w/b like visiting a doctor and NOT taking their perscription to help you get well again.

The exercise is dual purpose. Do you realize this?

L.

Jasper,

Listen to Orchid.

She’s got a lot of wisdom in this arena of life.

Look inside yourself and ask the question:

Do I love her enough to keep her as my W?
1.No. --> call attorney.
2.Yes.--> work your butt off to do all the right things.

I’m just putting this in simple man terms because it seems to be effective for us.

Disclaimer:
An answer of yes means that you have accepted the most difficult challenge of your life. But by saying yes, you are acknowledging that she is worth it.

Best of luck friend,
Plank.

Regarding the "list of questions"...

Our MC had me do the very same thing. So, I did. I came up with like 29 questions. Most of them were open ended (can't be answered with a simple yes or no). The MC helped me with the questions too, so they were productive and not simple attack questions.

In a session we went through about half of them. The MC was able to 'keep the peace' when I got angry at some of WH's answers and called him on it. WH said he felt very cornered during this time and it was difficult for him. He also didn't answer all the questions honestly, I know now.

It helped me a lot. I was able to get my feelings across in a safe place (with the MC present) and get some answers I needed. The MC communicated to WH how certain questions may have seemed stupid to WH but were important to me and I had a need to know for whatever reason and that MC was there to help us through it. I had the opportunity to stop an answer if it became to difficult for me at any time. I also could ask more detailed questions not on the list for clarification or whatever.

Some of the questions I asked were:

1. When did you first realize that you were attracted to OW and how did that change how you acted in our marriage?
2. What did you see in OW that made her attractive to you?
3. What did you experience about yourself with her that you would like to experience in our marriage?
4. Fully explain what you have shared about our marriage and me.
5. What did you say to yourself that made it ok to get involved?
6. Detail the level of personal contact you had (i.e. Touching, kissing, etc.) If you had intercourse, was it unprotected? Also detail when and where.
7. Did you feel guilty after the first time you had contact?
8. Do you love her?
9. Did you make plans for the future together?
11. When you planned the two trips together that I know of, what did you tell her about us? What did you say to yourself that made it ok?
12. Detail what went on during the two trips that I know of (where you went, what you did, how you felt, what you talked about)
13. Have you introduced her to any of your family? If so, when?
14. Did you make music CD’s for each other? Do you still have them if yes?
15. How often did you miss work to be together? Give dates.
17. Have there been any other women besides OW since we’ve been together? If so, who and when?
18. How has this experience changed you?
19. How would you have felt if it were me instead of you?
20. What are your plans and hopes for the future with OW?
21. What are your plans and hopes for the future with our marriage and me?
22. How often do you go anyplace with OW alone and why do you choose this instead of going separately?
23. Have you bought or made any gifts for her? If so, what?

wow. I'm gonna borrow that list!

Thanks all for your thoughts. I wrote out a list of questions last night and gave it to her Friday afternoon. I used some of yours Stop. Hope that wasn't a copyright infringment. lol. Orchid you were exactly right. I suppose I was being a bit immature by whining about not wanting to do what our counsoler suggested. Following the professionals advise right now is best. I can say now the ball is in her court. If I recieve honest and satifactory answers it will tell me where WW is at in this relationship and if we can work at it further. It was hard though. Brought back some feelings I had suppressed. WW and I have been seeing alot of each other with some nice times. Mr. Nice Guy (me) didn't want to rock the boat but the boat was already rocked and now I have nothing to lose. I'm sure I'll keep you posted. Thanks again

By all means, borrow away!! I hope it can help you. I'm glad I happened to save it.

Good. Your attitude made my day. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

take care,
L.

wanted to give you folks an update and get your thoughts. Fist a timeline: Nov 28th WW and I saw MC for second time. I was asked to make a list of questions about WW's affair. I did this and gave her a list along with a letter of my feelings to her Dec 2nd. I expected an answer before our next meeting on Dec 13th but didn't recieve one. I then thought she may answer them at meeting./..she didn't. It was discussed though how I wanted answers..in person or written down. I suggested written down. Tommorrow Dec 30th she will have had questions 4 weeks. I have gotten no response nor have I asked her about it. I (again) expected to hear/see something by out next meeting which is Jan 3rd. We have been spending some quality time together but I can't get over these questions that are eating at me. I feel she's protecting (or so she thinks)One of three people....herself...me....OP. Now if I hear some kind of an excuse like because of the holidays that she hasn't had time I'm gonna blow a gasket. I talked to her last night and Tues. night she sat down and watched 2 movies. Thats approx 4 hrs of free time. What do you experts have for advice? I should have told her from the start when I expected a response I know. This next MC session may be my last.

Why don't you offer to just do it verbally now and get it over with now? I think it would be better that way in case you have follow up questions. Tell her you need to know and have waited quite some time. You have waited long enough.

I was trying to let it happen as easy as I could. With no angry outbursts from each of us.

bump

jasper, did you read my post? Why not do it verbally and get it out of the way? It may be too hard for her to write it all down. You have to discuss it anyway, at some point. You can't very well conduct a marriage through notes. Doing this in person may break the ice and get a conciliatory dialogue going.