Thanks to all for your help! I will try to respond to each here with examples and maybe you can further assist me?? I have been living with this/in this for so long it becomes hard to be objective.
I feel like I did when the drinking got to be too much. He didn't see it as a problem but I did. I was finally to the point that I was ready to leave him simply because I couldn't handle it. When it finally resulted in A #2 he sought treatment.
It's a compulsion or dependance, on an act or substance, where the person feels an inability to control their actions despite the fact negative consequences may result.
AskMe, I see this to be true but H doesn't. I don't think he has experienced any negative effects yet. The money loss of course is not his fault. There are a thousand reasons why he isn't further ahead than he is. (And, he is not ahead). He has no clue that he doesn't have control over the amount of time he is spending on this. That once he sits down in the morning and fires up the computer, there is nothing that will stop him. (Imagine how mad I was when I had to haul the garbage container to the road through 4 foot snow drifts at 10 am because he didn't plow yesterday or today and it has been snowing and blowing non stop, all the while he is in the warm house, still in his robe, trading-no watching-the stocks go up and go down grrr).
Aphelion...Thanks for the links...I will check them out as I have more time.
association of gambling with "subjective excitement, dissociation, and increased heart rate" often described as "equivalent to a drug-induced 'high.'
FAA- I see this in him also. He has said that his hands sweat as he is trying to get in or out of a trade in a hurry. He gets really giddy. It is definately a thrill seeking type experience.
(1) is preoccupied with gambling (e.g., preoccupied with reliving past gambling experiences, handicapping or planning the next venture, or thinking of ways to get money with which to gamble)
He will talk about a past trade for a long time. Either good or bad. If it is good, he is gonna do them all that way from now on. But, then he doesn't. Then if it doesn't work, he makes up new reasons for the failure. None of the reasons are his fault mind you. They could be anything from the stupid internet to the trading site/government regs not letting him trade the way he wants to due to his balance. (We've put more money in a few times because he swears if he had a larger balance and could make bigger trades it would work better. It doesn't. I have told him I will no longer agree to putting more money in there.)
(2) needs to gamble with increasing amounts of money in order to achieve the desired excitement
I guess I covered that one with #1.
(3) has repeated unsuccessful efforts to control, cut back, or stop gambling
Check. He has made all kinds of rules for himself to follow, all of which are long gone. He changes the rules as he goes. I used to call him on all of them but it just got to be so nasty and changed nothing so I quit. He said "what difference does it make it if I trade, I'll just treat it like my job...I'll get dressed, showered etc in the morning, trade, and when the market closes I will do my work (snow, outside, whatever). But that didn't last very long. Now, like I said above, he sits in his robe till whenever. And I am disgusted by that. I hate it.
(4) is restless or irritable when attempting to cut down or stop gambling
Yep. Although he hasn't attempted to stop for a long time now so he acts pretty happy because he is always trading.
(5) gambles as a way of escaping from problems or of relieving a dysphoric mood (e.g., feelings of helplessness, guilt, anxiety, depression)
Yep. I see it as a way to escape reality. He won't do what I think he should be doing to finish up with his customers to close out our season. And I think some of those feelings are present too. But he denies that (I have mentioned stuff in the past-I don't say much anymore)
(6) after losing money gambling, often returns another day to get even ("chasing" one's losses)
Yep. Usually not the next day, but the same day. Even if he sells because he wanted to and he made money on it, he will follow that stock again until he has all the good reasons to buy it back. Then he'll say "I've always made money on sXYZ stock, its' been very good to me" etc. Even if it hasn't always been , he seems to forget the "bad times".
(7) lies to family members, therapist, or others to conceal the extent of involvement with gambling
At first I thought no on this one. But, he tells others how good he is doing when I know he isn't. He will buy a stock at X price. Then is goes down for 2 days. Then on the third day it is up, but not to X where he bought it. He will say to me or others "My stock was up $100 bucks today". I either have to ask or I find out later that he is still in the whole but he is taking credit for it being up like he is in the money when he isn't. That one makes me real mad.
(8) has committed illegal acts such as forgery, fraud, theft, or embezzlement to finance gambling
Nope, Thank God!
(9) has jeopardized or lost a significant relationship, job, or educational or career opportunity because of gambling
It gets in the way of our business. And it keeps him from getting a job in our off season because he thinks he can make enough with trading (he can't) and when he doesn't he says it's because his account isn't big enough.
(10) relies on others to provide money to relieve a desperate financial situation caused by gambling
Causes me a lot of stress wondering how to make this much money last until spring while he trades. This year he has finally said he will get a job and him and his brother have gone to a specific big money place to look for work and it is there. He needed to finish up around here and then be available to go there. Well, he isn't finished here, and he's not ready to go there. I asked him if he is gonna go for that job (it is either for very high wages or we buy our own semi for even bigger money) and he said he isn't interested in working for wages. So, I guess it's the truck job, which is fine with me, but when? He is on the internet all day and night either trading or looking for trucks, but he hasn't shown much action in getting anything done about the job yet. And, it makes me mad but I expected it. I told myself when he started talking about the job and the big money that it probably won't happen. I have learned that this is how it goes. Funny how he isn't interested in working for wages for someone else (mind you the wages are 23-30 bucks an hour) but will sit and play with the stocks all day for no monetary gain or even a loss.
If your spouse is unwilling to give up the behavior as a lovebusting behavior, then it is likely an addiction.
If the behavior is more important than a spouse, it has become the primary relationship.
I call that addiction.
The MB principles are not useless in an addiction situation, you just can't expect the same level of result. (ie a completely non lovebusted - POJA'd marriage). You can certainly apply many of the concepts in your own behavior.
Bramblerose-I think that is the bottom line. He knows how I feel about it. I have explained it every which way. Yet it is more important to trade than to keep me happy. So, what does that tell me? How important do I feel to him? Not very. I am applying MB concepts to this but I belive it resulted in his cake-eating type behavior. He happily trades when I am meeting his needs. Or, he unhappinly trades if I'm not.
Well, that's my story. There's more but that tells the basics. And writing it out helps clarify it for me.
But, what do I do about it? That is the hard one.
