i was told i should post my story in this section. so here it goes..

my h and i have been married going on 14years. we have two children ages 8 and 12.
right now we are living together. i hope that continues, but he said he is thinking
about lving after christmas. guess we will see.

ok. we had a great relationship for the first year or so. he was in the navy. he
decided to get out after our son was born. so our son and i moved home before he did.
i was going through some of his stuff he had at his moms and found some letters from
overseas. they were from a gf in pi. i was only told of one gf overseas. so i went
off on him when he called to check on us. we went downhill from there. i know i was
stupid for doing that over something that happened before me, but i was younger then and
didn't think.

so right after he got out of the navy he decided to re-enlist. so we moved to va. the
relationship was rocky. guess i felt i lost some trust. we fought for the next 4 years.
not all time were bad, but the bad times were horrible. lots of name-calling and stuff.
during this time we had our daughter. i didn't work until after she was born. so our
credit was trashed.

after 4 years we decided to get our of the military and move home. i started hanging
out with a male friend. i guess i was having an ea. but not a pa. after about six months
home we split up. after three month of separation i wanted to work things out. i found
out h had a girlfriend. that almost killed me. i lost weight and was very depressed.
but our sex life was better. that was the only thing we had.

after about six months he moved back in with me. he said he did not have any feelings for
me before he moved back. but i guess i pushed enough for him to try. we did great for a
while. after a year he told me he loved me again. but i fell back into the same old me.
didn't clean the house, didn't want sex, and nagged him all the time. so we split again.

this time we were split for about a year. i begged and pleaded for him to give me a chance.
i made lots of changes. during this time i did have one physical relationship with someone.
i felt i need to do that so that i would hold the gf over h's head. but now all the ea are
out of my system and i want to work things out with my h.

he has female friends at work. they call him sometimes. two of them i know he would never
want a relationship with. one plays poker with him and his friends. they consider her one
of the guys. one i know he has not attraction or respect for. but there is a third. she
married. but now is getting d. he says they are just friends. but one night i listened to
a msg on his cell from her. she wanted to know if he was still coming over. i confronted
him about it. he said he has never been at her place alone. he has been there with a group.
he says he is just a friend and she wanted some help with things at her house. i asked him
not to see her until he moved out, if he moves out. he said that was fine cause he didn't
see here much anyway so it wasn't a big deal. i checked the phone bill for his cell to see
how often they talked. sometimes there were one or two calls a day for a few day, and then
there were none for a week or two. only one call about 20mins. most of them were for 1 to 2
mins. nothing major. i even called here to see what the story was. she said they have know
each other for a while and are just friends. i know they went to lunch on a sunday when we
were split. but here again he said they were just friends. i bet him that he may want to be
just friends but she may want more. i said she is a pig in waiting. waiting for him to move
out so she can make her move. he said he didn't think so, but it wouldn't matter when he moved
out. he said she was not the problem in our relationship. so i don't know what to think about
that. i have male friends also. but none i hang out with anymore. oh, i asked him if he ever
had sex with her and he said no. he is brutally honest so i figure he would tell the truth if
they did or he would ignore the question. he has never cheated on me, and i don't think he ever
would. he has no respect for people that do that.

we have not had sexual relations with each other in a year and eight months. he said he is not
attracted to me and he doesn't need it. he said after all the years of me rejecting him what
do i expect. and i have put on a lot of weight, so i know that has a lot to do with physical
attraction.

i want my h and i to work things out. i've bought a book on saving our marriage, he is reading
some of it. so i guess that's a good sign. we are getting along better now. and i am loosing
weight. i keep the house clean and i make sure to make him feel at home and like the king
of his castle. which i have never done in our marriage. i just hope things turn around and
we can work things out. i do love him soooo much. he says he loves me with all his heart, but
he doesn't love me like he thinks a husband should. he said he is not "in love" with me. and
this all is due to how i have treated him in the past. i know it's gonna be hard to turn things
around, but i am gonna try.

thanks for listening. any advice you guys have would be great. i may only have a short amount
of time to change things...

lisa

My Magic 8-Ball says "He's cheating!"

However, your whole relationship is a mess of lies and deceit. I would suggest starting over with someone new. I for one, would not be able to have endured what you put yourself through, or your husband. You say he has never cheated on you, but don't fool yourself- he said he had no respect for people who did that, yet he's staying with you?! What does that tell you? Sounds like he's pretty emotionally detached from you already.

If you can make your marriage work however- Wow! Congratulations!

endlesshorizon..

I don't undertand your position on your advice at'all...

just start over with someone else....???

hmmm

what does that teach the children...
just replace the grownups...
they are replacable...especially if one gains weight ??
what makes you think that someone who has such a poor understanding of fidelity themselves...would be good at picking and having a relationship with someone else...the baggage is still there...

are you serious about that advice..
for real ?

or was it irony or some other such thing...

tarbaby..you need counseling ..
you should call the harleys...

have you tried to be intimate with your husband outside of marriage..

dates without the kids...
holding hands
back rubs
etc...

have you read up on plan A at all on this site..

ARK

tarbaby

I aggree with Ark. I don't understand the previously mentioned advice. It is true your marraige is rocky and has problems, but I can tell you there are a lot more cases that are worse that have become very good marriages.

Call for an appointment with the Harleys. Are you reading His Needs Her Needs. Also, you should get Surviving and Affair also. You need to understand the mechanics of what has taken place and what needs to take place for your marriage to work.

We are all here due to faults that have occured. Some worse than others, some not and some with no infidelity at all, but never mind all that. You and your husband need help.

Read up like Ark mentioned on this site. Start a plan A immediately but be prepared, you are in for a roller coaster ride.

Also, be prepared for this .... your husband may be involved and he may be involved emotionally and not even acknowledge it. But that doesn't mean that could change.

Good Luck. I will pray for you.

Phil 4:13

Does he know about your A?

The big question is have the two of you decided to sit down and be COMPLETELY honest with each other? If you want to make this work then you both need to see a MC?

Tarbaby, I do aggree with Hopeful.

i didn't have an A. we were sep. i had my own place and he lived with his brother. during our first sep he had a gf.

Ok... is your H aware of your relationship and that it was physical?

if married.....
without a divorce decree..then it was infidelity....

without the divorce as you are noting it causes great damage...even to those people that are our 'dates' and companions....

they become entangled in something that isn't finished...

ARK