I've posted on here before. My husband had an affair a couple of years ago. I found out about it 3 times before it finally came to an end. He spent 10 months lying to me, and each time I found out, he told me it was over. It is definitely over, and has been for 15 months but I can't get over the hurt and pain. I still can't trust him and find it hard when he is away from me, even sometimes just to go to work, to believe that he is where he says he is. I just feel that I was lied to for so long that I find it hard to believe it when he says it is over. I know this sounds like a contradiction when I say I know it is over but I still can't trust him, but after being lied to for so long, it is hard for me to believe anything he says. Our sex life has suffered because of this. Whenever we have sex, I wonder all sorts of thing, eg did he do this with her, did he enjoy it more with her, all the thoughts that I'm sure are quite normal for someone in my position. So if it is over, and has been for a while, why am I still so unsure and how long can I expect to feel this way. My husband thinks that I should be starting to heal. Don't get me wrong, he is very understanding and has been an exceptionally wonderful husband since the A ended, but is that enough. Why can't I move on??? Please help me!!!
reewil...

It's me again. Maybe I could hear from some WS's who are in the same situation as my WH. He tells me he never intended to leave me, and never wanted to risk our marriage. He made a mistake the first time and was drawn into the situation and could find no way to get out of what he had started. I find it so hard to believe that he could keep the affair going on when he knew it would hurt me so much. I know that he was trying to protect me from finding out in the end, as OW kept dropping comments about me finding out, as in bribing him to keep the affair going, but I can't get over that he kept doing things to make it worse. Each time I found out about the A, there was something worse that he was not telling me, and he was worried that if he did not carry on the affair, she would tell me. Why do some spouses do things they know will hurt their spouses, but do them anyway to protect themselves. After everything that I have found out, I am still with my H, but it hurts to know that he was prepared to lie to me for the rest of our lives if OW had not threatened to tell me all, which meant he told me everything before she had the chance. He tells me that he loves me, always has and always will and would never had chaosen her over me, if so, why did he keep going to her?
I am an emotional wreck and feel like I will never get over this. He had to go away for less than 24 hours for work this week and I agreed to him going, but I felt like I was giving in to him. Even though I knew where he was every minute of the 22 hours he was away, I still felt sick to my stomach the whole time he was gone. Whenever we have an arguement, even if it has nothing to do with his A, I think about the A, as all the bad feelings I get remind me of how bad I felt each time I found out about his A. I love my husband very deeply and I want to be with him forever. I honestly believe that he is faithful to me, now. How can I overcome my untrustful feelings? Will it come in time? It has already been well over a year!!!
reewil...

"Even though I knew where he was every minute of the 22 hours he was away, I still felt sick to my stomach the whole time he was gone. Whenever we have an arguement, even if it has nothing to do with his A, I think about the A, as all the bad feelings I get remind me of how bad I felt each time I found out about his A. I love my husband very deeply and I want to be with him forever. I honestly believe that he is faithful to me, now. How can I overcome my untrustful feelings? Will it come in time? It has already been well over a year!!!"

• I feel your pain. I feel like that occasionally and today is just one of those days. Paranoid thoughts and all that. It does suck that stuff like this happens, but you need to start again. Starting over will be a leap of faith and will change the rest of your life, so it's scary. I wouldn't focus so much on him, but yourself instead. You need to be able to trust him. You either allow yourself to, or you may need to walk away...
  
  How long does it take before you can get to this step? I don't know. I'm not there yet. Good luck.

What is your H doing, besides being accountable, to move towards recovery?

I can relate very much to how you feel concerning triggers during sex, feeling sick to your stomach, and being distrustful.

Some things that have helped me begin to overcome the uncomfortable feelings during sex are to focus completely on my H. I look him directly in the eyes to remind myself that it is only the two of us present. My imagination runs too wild if I close my eyes. Time has helped, too.

The triggers and sick feelings have subsided, though they do rear their ugly heads - just not every five minutes anymore. Time has helped a little with that, too. Another thing that has helped is talking. Conversation is a large EN of mine, as it aids me in feeling closer to him. Recovery is so much smoother during the times that we share emotional intimacy.

As far as trust goes, I still struggle with that, too. Yesterday I had an uncomfortable "premonition" kind of feeling. I called him for 20 minutes straight. He happened to leave his cell phone at home, so I could only try his office phone. Of course, I grew more uncomfortable because I couldn't reach him.

When he arrived home, I asked him where he had been for that 20 minute time frame. He said he had been at or near his desk. He, in trying to reassure me, listed nearly everything he had done for the entire day in a rambling fashion. I calmly asked him what he was trying to accomplish. He was obviously becoming quite frustrated. He said that he was simply trying to be as accountable as he could and to reassure me. It wasn't working and we both identified it.

All I really wanted to know was why he didn't answer his phone during that 20 minutes and the truth was he didn't know. He could have stepped away from his desk momentarily - he said he was in and out - I could have just happened to have called during those times.

The point is, I had no evidence that he was, in fact, doing anything harmful. So I can make the choice whether to accept what he tells me or not to. I have decided that his efforts during Recovery have been huge and to believe him unless I can actually prove otherwise. I just accepted that I would not know about that 20 minute time frame, and he accepted that he couldn't offer me solid proof that he was telling the truth.

I read an article the other day and something in it stood out to me.

Steps That Are Essential for Recovery
Following Infidelity

Infidelity affects nearly 80% of the marriages in the US. Most marriages that are rocked by infidelity do not end due to the affair. If the marriage ends in divorce following an affair it is usually due to the couples’ inability to create a program for recovery. A full recovery addresses many issues but the overall focus is to change the conditions under which the affair occurred in the first place.

The first step to restoring a marriage struggling with the issue of infidelity is to end the affair. Until the unfaithful spouse completely ends the relationship with the lover there is no hope of restoring the marriage. I cannot express enough how important this is. I get calls and emails every day from desperate men and women wanting to know how they can save their marriage while their spouse is cheating. The sad but simple answer is, they can’t. Until the affair ends there is no recovery.

One of the most crucial moments in recovering from infidelity is what happens when the betraying spouse wakes up to the pain and misery he or she is causing, ends (or promises to end the affair) and wants to reconcile with the spouse. Usually by this time the faithful partner has been dragged through more hurt and betrayal than he or she ever thought possible. All they want to do is to have their family intact again and to put the affair behind them. They want to resume their lives. And they make one of the biggest mistakes possible. They allow the wayward spouse to come home without first setting the conditions for recovery.

Affairs rock marriages to their core. They are cruel, destructive, and they wreak havoc on families. Once there has been betrayal of that sort life within the marriage cannot and will not ever return to its pre-affair state. Nor should it. There needs to be conditions for restoring love, trust, and for addressing the things that led to the affair in the first place.

The first condition for recovery is that the lover is to be out of the picture entirely. The unfaithful partner must promise and be held accountable for never contacting this person in any way again, ever. If that means that the family must relocate or that the one who had the affair must find a new job, then so be it. Without this condition in place there is a strong possibility that the affair will flare up again in the future.

Once that has been established and can be verified it is possible to begin to address the other issues in the marriage. My work with couples is founded on the need for complete honesty. No where is this more essential than when recovering from infidelity. Couples need to learn to share with each other what they think, how they feel, what they need, what they like, and what is upsetting to them. In addition there needs to be total honesty about the events of their day, their plans, where they’ve been and what they’ve done, and how they feel. Included in my definition of honesty is accountability for time, whereabouts and money….24/7.

With the lover out of the picture and with couples learning to be honest with each other we can begin to look at the things that went wrong in the marriage. There are many reasons people have affairs. And none of them is justified. But if we are going to restore the love and trust husbands and wives have for each other then we need to look at the issues behind the affair. In no way is this to be construed as blaming the faithful and betrayed spouse. There is no excuse for infidelity. Our goal is to be forward thinking and our goal is to create a marriage that is stronger and happier than the one they had before the affair.

If either of the partners has a control or abuse problem that must be addressed before we can go further. If I can’t help them work through this issue and make changes in their behavior in short order I refer the one with the problem to an anger management program. Anger and control must be eliminated before moving on to the next steps.

Next we look at other things that were painful or objectionable to either partner and we find ways to eliminate those things. Sometimes it’s simply a matter of sharing that information with each other (you’d be amazed at the things husbands and wives don’t know about what each other thinks and feels) and sometimes it takes a concerted effort to design a strategy to eliminate ingrained behaviors.

At the same time, we begin to discuss what it is that each of them would like to have in a happy and fulfilling relationship. Little by little we make progress finding ways to incorporate those things into the marriage. And we do that in a way that works for both the husband and the wife.

[color:"red"]It can take up to two years for recovery to be complete. By complete I mean that both spouses would report feeling happy with the state of the marriage and in love with their partner again. If the steps have been followed, especially those of honesty and accountability, trust will most likely have been restored as well.[/color]

A lifestyle that is based on honesty and that requires accountability is one we would all do well to practice. These rules would go far to ensure an affair never happened in the first place. Add to that the concept of creating a marriage in which couples avoid things that hurt each other and work at doing the thing that make each other happy and you have the recipe for a fulfilling and joyous marriage.

Affairs end. Marriages can recover. The road to recovery is narrow, but it does exist.

I hope that helps.