Gifts
I have a question,my spouse is military and while deployed developed a "friendship" with another female stationed with him. My spouse and this girl exchanged several gifts. My spouse had never done this before he says the gifts were appropriate and I am making a big deal out of nothing.

Some of the gifts were, body soap and body lotion the kind that smell good, scarf, books, and a pin that they have to get while in the military that is very important.

What would you think about those types of gifts being given from one to the other.

I made my spouse get rid of the scarf and then asked this girl where she got the scarf from, she told me to get him anything plaid that he would like it.

Thoughts.

I would say that it is not Appropriate and to me it sounds that there is a start of an EA. You must be thinking the same thing else you would not have been here. I would think a friendship card saying thank you for being a friend would be ok but Not those.

Van.

I aggree completely. Not a good idea and could be trouble starting if not already.

I think that by you questioning this says it all. Simply put... your H is in at least an EA. May be no big deal to him, but it's obvious that it concerns you. If your concern is enough to think this way then you would not be out of line to start setting boundaries. But, do not be so demanding with this request that it could force him to seek her out for comfort. Sit down and tell him you are not comfortable with his relationship with her and you want to see a MC to help you better understand the friendship.

I have talked to him about these gifts and he says I'm making something out of nothing. Are there any types of gifts that are appropriate between friends of the opposite sex, without the knowledge of the spouse?

Do the types of gifts say anything about how close someone feels to the other?

First off - There is no such thing as "approriate without the spouse's knowledge" and there never will be. Spouses with nothing to hide, hide nothing.

Second - Even with knowledge if you are not comfortable then he needs to understand your point-of-view and cease any activity like that till you both come to an understanding and agreement.

He feels I'm making something out of nothing. That the gifts he gave her were just to be nice. However he didn't give gifts to any of the other females who gave him birthday gifts while gone. He says I'm analyzing this to much.

Ok... maybe. You should still seak out a MC just to make sure you are both on the same page and things do not get worse than his statements. Be prepared though. Over time you may discover he was hiding a lot of truths and he will try to justify his actions by pointing the finger. A WS is the best liar around. Many of us here can testify to that.

That's a lot of gift giving from a married man to a woman who is not related to him by blood or marriage. He may not mean anything by it, but I would be worried it sends the wrong message. And speaking for myself, I'd be offended if a married man gave me a personal gift like scented lotion or soap, unless he said, "Here, my wife thought you would like this." I guess I'm showing my age, but to me that falls in the "what kind of woman do you think I am" category.

I know there were other things that they were doing together. They take turns buying each other dinner, I asked why they couldn't just buy there own and he said he didn't know. They dance together fast and slow. He says however in the slow dance he didn't hold her like he held me. That he would hold her at arms length.

He said that she had told him one time that she liked those so when it came time to pick it out he remembered that she liked that and the scent.

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You need to step into the middle of this ASAP and put a stop to that. He may not be considering this an EA but you can be pretty sure the OW does. She's got an agenda and she's following through with her emotions.

Sounds like there is more going on than just the gifts. If they were both single, there is no doubt that this kind of behavior would be considered dating. After all, what does a man do during courtship that your H has not done with this woman-they go dining and dancing, he remembers hints she drops about what kind of things she likes, he gives her gifts. I can imagine his response if you were to behave like that with a co-worker.

Maybe you can talk to him about the subject in a different way. He's in the military, right? Is he making a career of it? Because if so, the last thing he needs is to have rumors flying about him and this woman. It doesn't matter what his true feelings are for her-if he behaves in ways that look like he's having an affair, he's possibly putting his future in jeopardy. And if she is hoping for more of a relationship with him, and if she's the type to get vengeful if disappointed, he may really be making a mess of things for himself. So maybe it's time to supplement the "Look what you're doing to me" approach with the "Look what you are doing to yourself" approach. It can't hurt.

How did you find out about all this?

Did your husband tell you?

Or did you find out some other way?
Mulan

Elspeth: I have tried to discuss with him about how it looks and he says it doesn't bother him that he isn't doing anything wrong.

Mulan: The scarf I found out about that she bought him when he came home for a visit. I then pretended that I knew about the birthday gifts and worked it that way. He told me when he has spent time with her but he does not tell me the details up front. I say remember the time and then he admits it. The dancing he denied for a very long time until recently he admitted it. He says it only happened once. He admits to lieing about the amount of time spent with her but says it was just cause he didn't want to with what I would have to say about it.

It is at LEAST an emotional affair. But a Ws would always say that it is just an EA.

I agree with all of the above comments, but I have a question.

Exactly how did you react to your H when presented with this information?

Frozen1229: Since we were apart when this first started most of it was by email. My spouse knew how I felt about this because we dealt with something similar ten years earlier. I was very hurt at first and he had agreed to not spending so much time with her and promised not to. HOwever that didn't last and all's he did was lie about it after that. The more I pushed the more distant he became, so now I have backed off. I've gotten very good at asking the right type of questions. Such as did you hug her, he would answer no so I had to switch it around and ask if she hugged him and then it would be yes. I've been praying and leaving him in God's hands while I work on me. It's been very hard and sometimes he makes me feel like I"m the one that is crazy. We have had a few very long discussions. He did work with another female who has the same type of issues with her h and that seems to be making more of an effect than anything I could ever say.

Gifts like that to a woman other than your wife? WAY inappropriate!

jtdmine,

I apologize for not being very clear.
I meant how did you react towards him when you found out about the gifts.