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Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 1
L
lorca Offline OP
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L
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 1
I don't know if this can go under just found out because my d day was over 2 mos ago... but I feel like a newbie anyway.
WH had an A that was first an EA for 3 or 4 mos with a coworker, a W who has a platonic marriage 3 kids. He told her his struggles with his feelings for her, she bought in, and on to the PA. He says sex happened only once, then he took another job. They met secretly for lunch a handful of times, and he ended it a few mos later. She emailed him at his new job 6 mos after that, and started the whole withdrawal again. They started emailing back and forth (work emails). He tried to separate from me without my finding out, but I found out 2 weeks after we decided to hang on and go to counseling...I read his counseling notes on his computer, that's how I found out.
I called him at work and told him to email her now and tell her it was over or move out immediately. He ended it with her and now is trying to make it up to me. He has been unendingly loving, patient and sorrowful. I have basically been on plan A without realizing that's what I was doing, but I have been trying to work on the unmet needs and "win" him back sexually.
However, I still feel a lot of resentment that is just...BUILDING. I am having a hard time, feeling impulses of revenge, murder (not seriously), rage, It's hard to not think about it, especially in bed. I had to tell WH after over 8 weeks of awesome make up sex, that Im actually not sure I'm ready to be continually exposed and give myself over in this way. I feel bad, like I'm betraying myself for giving to him. Otherwise, I'm trying to be a loving spouse and trying to meet all other needs.

OK, after unloading all of that, here are my questions...when I asked him to give me a copy of the email he sent on d day for no further contact, he balked (this was a week afterwards) Said he was embarrassed by it and didn't want to further gut me by the naked truth. He asked me to please trust him that he told her it was over and he was returning to his wife. I realized maybe I was not ready to see a letter anyway and backed down. Now I am not sure I did the right thing. I have no access to his work email. Still afraid of a relapse, but I haven't seen any signs of it...and I've been looking believe me.

Second Q: I recently wrote MOW a letter (I never met her) that made me feel better, but didn't send it. I want to though. It's not threatening or nasty, but I wanted to have a voice, finally, in what has happened in my life. Part of me thinks it's none of her business and I shouldn't care, the other part of me wants her to know that I am alive and well and I KNOW WHAT SHE DID, even if her family does not. And I wanted her to know I was disgusted that she could do that to their spouses and children. It would feel good to send, but not sure if this would drive them to contact? Or what she would say to me (I'm not really looking for a response from her, I just want to say my peace and have it out.)

Sorry this is long, just hoping someone will read and point the way on this frustrating maze I've been dropped in. It hurts so much.

Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 27,069
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Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 27,069
I suggest that you forget contacting OW, and instead contact her husband. Let him know that he is in a platonic marriage with a cheating wife.

Also you husband needs to write a no contact letter that you read and approve of, and send.

It should say that the affair was a huge mistake, he loves you, wants to work on his marriage, and wants no contact with her ever again.

By the way, welcome to marriagebuilders. Hang in there. It does get much better.

Joined: Dec 2004
Posts: 1,568
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There's probably nothing wrong with wanting to see the letter (or actually seeing it) if it will really provide some closure as opposed to some other ulterior motive.

I think you ned to really review the material on this site in the BC and Q&A sections on recovery from an affair. It is a process. And it requires *both* of you to work on it, to re-establish trust, etc.

Joined: Sep 1999
Posts: 5,406
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NSR Offline
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Joined: Sep 1999
Posts: 5,406
Quote
He asked me to please trust him that he told her it was over and he was returning to his wife. I realized maybe I was not ready to see a letter anyway and backed down.

Trust is not something that comes in blindness; but with openness/honesty; even if the honesty seems potentially hurtful.

True and lasting trust, and his repentance of the A, can be best built in full and open & honest communication...
...and yes... you can/should ask for that e-mail.

Also asking if he has 'blocked' all future e-mailings from the OW is OK too.

-------------

Forget about contacting the OW or MOW or anyone related to the OW. Your asking for a cheater (who care less about you and your family) to tell you the truth...
...that's one of the definitions of 'insanity'...
...don't go there.

Jim


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