KiwiJ,

Dang, it sounds like you took it personal. It really was a question about MC. We had one that sounded similar. To her, ENs were the be all and end all of life in general.

She left me worse off, personal recovery wise, than I was before we started MC.

IC determined what was broke. Missing ENs had very little to do with the LTA. They were not missing, deosits were falling into a bottomless pit.

So I juess I am joined at the hip with Beliver wrt the EN theory of LTAs.

with prayers,

Aph, I didn't take it personally. I didn't mean to sound defensive.

I think we do have EN's. No one would deny we have physical needs, food, shelter, clothing and no one would (I hope) deny that children have needs. Love, affection, admiration etc etc. Staff that work in offices have needs beyond just pay and a computer. They need to be validated and accepted.

I think that relationships are the same. Sibling relationships, parent/child relationships, (oh that was another thing my MC said - we had a parent/child relationship - he was the parent and I was the child) man/woman relationships, friend/friend relationships.

I think you are also right that deposits can fall into a bottomless pit. My H's did for quite a while, which is what the MB principles say will happen and does happen. It was interesting though that when I saw the effort my H was making to meet my needs, it certainly did increase the love bank balance.

There were so many factors involved in our recovery, JL was a major one LOL, that I wouldn't say it was just EN's being met, but the EN's being met certainly helped.

As for the original topic of the thread - admiration. Of course you can't admire someone for having an A. You'd have to be nuts.

Jen

Ap,

Been out of touch for a few days. Thought I would get back to your post and support those that gave you a good THWAK with the 2x4 for thinking you are undeserving of help. You are as much as anyone that comes here.

Heck, we even kick Lemonman around here a bit. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> He likes to think the is counter to the thinking here, but we all know... he is a push over. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> In fact he is a great attribute to this site.

Ap, I agree completely with your thinking. I also think that your W has skated on her illnesses, and issues for a long time, and this fed her sense of entitlement. You were are her mate, but you are NOT to be someone she can abuse. She has abused you and your marriage with her LTA. She has done many things to hurt you and few to help you.

However, I do have one LARGE 2x4 for you. You said
The problem I see is that you have NOT expressed these things to your W. If you have they need to be distilled down along with how you are feeling two years later. You don't have to discuss divorce, what you have to discuss is YOUR feelings about yourself, your marriage, and her role as your mate. No matter what you decide she must be clear on the process you are going through and where you are right now. This is NOT to scare her, not is it to threaten her, it is simply to be honest with her, so that IF you decision is to terminate this marriage she will know why and she will not be blindsided as you have been by her.

Be honest with her, and talk about this. You won't have to talk about the D, because it is your decision not hers.

Please think about this.

God Bless,

JL

PS: Well, if you haven't lived 6 decades you are a "young grasshopper" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

I just caught up again on this thread and am giggling at Lemon's remarks...

I am gonna past his words here...too darn funny!

"Can I get some "admiration" for paying nearly 43% of my income last year to Local, State, and Federal taxes....

Maybe it is just me, and I "don't get it". I am more than willing to come to that conclusion to rectify this for myself....LOL."

Admiration is still imho, something that WS feed off of...it is the ICING ON THEIR CAKE...THAT DARN CAKE THEY EAT SO MUCH OF..

I wonder...if we did a poll, how many WS would place admiration highest on their totem pole of EN's?

I could and will say without a doubt my xh would place it up there...but again, he equaled ADMIRATION WITH HERO WORSHIP.

And Lemon is right! How can you say you admire somebody who's morality is in the gutter? Lying with the rats in the sewer? I don't especially admire somebody for keeping a roof over their heads if they have kids..it's their right to do so for their kids. Or food on the table. It is the right of an adult, if they are coherent enough to make the decision to BECOME A PARENT...that they do these things...or if they are COHERENT ENOUGH as an adult to marry in the first place that they work for the common good of the family or of the marriage partner (if they have no kids). I see nothing quite noble about it at all...and I see the lack thereof of that as a huge love buster btw...like a guy going out and blowing his paycheck at a casino or something...or a woman going out and blowing all her money earned at the mall...just plain wrong. There is nothing special to be admired if somebody simply brings home the bacon.

admiration to me? seeing soembody do a selfless act for somebody else. seeing a friend of mine organize the building of a home for women who were victims of spousal abuse..that was something that made me stand up and cheer..and admire. Seeing a neighbor of mine last year chase my dog down the street when he got out (he's very fast) and bring him home to me without my ever asking or knowing...when I see a certain orderly in our hospital system bringing the patients to the procedure areas stopping in a quiet place in a hallway, or finding a quiet nook where he prays with them to calm their nerves. That is what I admire. Seeing my little son give his quarter he saved a few weeks ago to a children's charity (children's home) instead of keeping it in his pocket.

To me admiration is when the true goodness of somebody jumps right outta their body and you see their soul shine...in the most inopportune moments. When you do not expect it ,it happens.

and...


So...you do not thank, respect and admire your parents for doing this for you?