This is my previous thread link to previous thread
Since then I've talked to Jennifer Chalmers we came up with a plan to go back to Plan A and email W.
So I emailed her with 2 different Plan A letters. Today she emails me back with this.

"My brain has completely blocked out a lot of what has happened between us. All this talk is a constant reminder of the pain. I can't do it anymore. Too much damage has occured and you're pouring salt on the wound. I am not going to change my mind. Don't do this anymore. You should move on."

I am so afraid that this is a lost cause. I just don't know what to do???

Update 12/11/05 She's still out of town, sent her sister to come by pick up her large items from garage to put in her house that she co-own with her sister (one that I was supposed to buy with her).

Back off.....give the salt time to really get deep within her soul.

Instead finish your plan A changes for your benefit. Make her want to come back. If she never does, you will be spared a lot of pain, if she does work to come back, it w/b for a better R because she w/b the one working to earn your love and trust back.

She will probably remind you how much she is in pain. Learn to babble back and NOT take her guilt.

BTW, your plan A is working you know. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

JMHO,
L.

she w/b the one working to earn your love and trust back...
BTW, your plan A is working you know

What do you mean, plan A is supposed to make her push away even more? So far there is no evid of A from what PI has observed so I don't think she believes she has lost trust.

should I now not send anymore emails? and just not try to make contact and only respond if she makes contact? She will be returning to pick up her things in the next couple of weeks I don't even know if I'll hear from her then? Then the finalization of D is probably soon to follow.

Stu....

I also get confused.....when there is no A...is the WS really a WS? Can all this planning work on a S that left and who is not in an A? Maybe. After talking to Steve it was good to get his perspective. He basically believes H felt disconected from me and at this point believes he did not marry the right person. I cannot imagine how I can change his mind on that score. I wonder if your W feels the same way. It sounds like she wants you to back of because engaging with you is too painful for her....keeps everything fresh in her mind.

I don't know what kind of emails you wrote to her....if they discuss her coming back or something like that....you may want to back away from that a little....keep it more casual. If it already was casual, then maybe don't send a messages every day....I am just speculating along with you........I think you said Jennifer left it up to you how often you email or not. What else is part of your plan as suggested by Jennnifer? I am trying to focus on my plan....and ignore all the other stuf (like what I found out yesterday, H telling old frieds he is not married anymore...yet has not asked for D yet!).....so I try to tell myself stick to Steve's plan and don't think about all the other stuff....

Best to you...
Daisy

Jennifer's plan was perhaps email her periodically with Plan A letters, but now with this response, if I still send her emails it might be LB.

Stu can you please up date or create a profile. e.g. ages, married, seperated. It is easier for the rest of us to follow.
Have you posted the details of your plan A somewhere?

Stu I don't know if you had read this post but it has helped me a lot, well it gave me hope.
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...part=1&vc=1

Not sure what kind of details on the plan A you need? any examples I can follow?

Stu,
If you persue too hard she is likely to get angry. I know my H did when I did that. At the same time because there are no children there is little contact (I understand) and if you don't send the emails there may be no contact at all. I doubt my H would call me if I did not call over there. So, I understand keeping up the emails. I would think keeping them as light as possible, should not be so harmful. If that is the case however, maybe talking to Jenniffer again would help....

BTW, since I will be emailing H as well, how do you end your emails...."best stu" or "take care stu" or "love stu"....I need ideas.....

Daisy

Daisy, I've been ending the emails with "Love Stu".

I would think keeping them as light as possible, should not be so harmful

I don't even know if I should even email her back with anything?

Stu I don't know if you had read this post but it has helped me a lot, well it gave me hope.
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...part=1&vc=1


Just read that story, wonderful story, I don't know if I would be that fortunate since my D is only pending a final court order that I cannot stop. But the story make me wanting to call MWD's counselors tho.

Stu....
thanks....wow....H stopped using love and so did I....I should have continued....it probably is too late now....

I just don't seem to be doing anything right. In hind sight it seems like I should have done so many things differently....Just kind of sad.

I did say love on the note I gave him along with his B-Day present....

Daisy

Daisy and Stu,

I just wanna say what ever happens you are both great people, and don't deserve to be abandoned the way you have been.
I hope that you both find love and happiness whether it is with your S or otherwise.

Huggs,
Lady

Got an email from my PI, did not find any A activity so far but says he's reached his limit on the retainer want's more money to continue... Just what I feared. Can't confirm how much work he actually did, just what ever he wrote down, and the little video of her driving. I don't think he'll ever find anything.

I hope that you both find love and happiness whether it is with your S or otherwise.

Thanks Ladysheep, for your thoughts, but right now the pain and anxiety is so overwhelming. I have prayed every night, sometimes all night long until I finally fall asleep. But I don't think anything is working. I just wish everything will turn out right. I think I'll have to shut down my business and go on an extended travel to get away so I don't have to think day and night about contacting her. Even thought about working on a cruise ship...

stu......

Hang in there....I know exactly where you are..how you feel...

Panic, it is the worse. That is why I decided to go to see my friend. I could have spend the money on a PI, but decided to spend it on me and my sanity. I need to get out of here and away from seeing him for a while. The temptation to call every day is so great...and he could care less.

I am having some physical problems on top of it all and I just wish I had someone here with me, I have to wait till next week for the results and the pain is bad.....I am so tempted to call him just to talk to him cause I feel so vulnarable right now....but what is the purpose in that????

It is devastating....like you said. Please hang in there.....I watched Troy last week and I keep trying to remind myself of one thing in the movie....when Pitt talks about the Gods enving us because we can die and hence we live every day as if it was the last.....I thought about it this morning...if I was to die tomorrow would I want to spend my last day worring and hurting over H being gone....I found it helped me a little.......

try to stay strong....I myself conteplate quiting my job and moving back to CA and doing whatever just to get out of here....but it probably is not a good idea to make such drastic decision when in this pain....we are not thinking clearly!

Best to you....

Daisy

Thanks Daisy,
I hope your physical problem resolves soon. You're so young to be having physical problems. It's probably just some acute stuff; shall pass. I think all of us here have gone through some form of unintended physical problems secondary to the agony of our heartache which no one should ever have to go through. I know I've lost probably 10-15 lbs in past 2-3 months (which I can't afford)...

I feel like (or I hope anyway) God is doing this to teach me the meaning of great love. Perhaps I didn't appreciate what I had and my shallow understanding of love offended him, so now I have to go through the worst and hit bottom to eventually realize what it means to treasure and cherish what I have/had...

Another day of panic,
Don't know if and when I should attempt to make contact.
I feel like I'm just sitting around waiting for the end to near.

stu, I would just back off for now and email Jennifer about your W's response. I wish I could tell you more, but I can't. I think that if the PI has not found anything by now, that you should probably not invest any more money. And since you are so close to a D anyway, it might not be of much help.

But please don't panic. There are certainly no guarantees but even getting a D does not mean this is final. We have people here who got back together after the D.

Hi stu,

I just read your whole story.

I agree that there is probably an affair going on.Although there is no irrefutable evidence,there are several signs."Moving on" was one statement I heard a lot of from my WH and here too.When a spouse is involved with another,that's exactly what they want you to do.If you disappear then that "problem" is solved,in their minds.

Anyway,I am glad that you are entertaining the idea that there is something to be learned from all this.It may not be about "great love" or not taking for granted what you had,maybe you never really did but are feeling that now based on what happened.It may be learning how strong you can be,being closer to God,or even just experiencing a loss that was needed for you to grow more.Who knows for sure.It's interesting to try and find out though when the pain subsides.

From your sig line,you have been dealing with this for over a year right? I guess I would say I am not in agreement with Jennifer about starting plan A all over again or longer.You can do that for eternity but it won't work on someone who is trying to get away,from you,reality,herself or who knows what.My experience has been the time a WS reflects on what is going on is when you take yourself out of the equation(Plan B).She has to feel your loss in order to see what SHE is missing.If she never returns then you didn't have what you thought you did.You have to let go.

There is great freedom and peace from accepting what is and giving up what could be.I can appreciate how painful this is and anxiety provoking.We have all gone through that at one time or another.It WILL be ok.I am a living example.

You can look at things this way: God closes one door,and opens another.That's one way I choose to look at my situation.All the painful things I have been through in my life have made me what I am today and I like what I see.Sure,I wish for my lessons learned to have been in a better way but that is not of my choice.Some things are done to you and it's how you deal with that that counts.

Hang in there stu.You can have a good life with or without your W.Believe in yourself~

O

Hei Stu,
My W is a very jealous person. So WW tells me go out have fun, enjoy your life. You should move on. WW told how I could meet new people. I am studying at the moment so I meet a lot of people and don't need advice. But just the fact how the alien (WW) tried to help me to move on. I did not undrestand this then. But now I do WW is in an A.

Try to be more active on this site, It helps me.

Take care mate!
Van

This thought has been in the back of my mind for sometime now. But I figure I've made my effort to try to find out. I can't spend what little resources I have just to try to find out whether or not she is in an A, I'll just assume that she is and be pleasantly surprized if she's not. Either way I can't do much about it right now anyways. I'm in a mode of a 180 where I'm gonna try and do everything opposite of what I used to do. That is don't contact her, don't sulk at home all day. And if she contacts me don't talk about the R/M.
Van, I'll try to be more active, sometimes I feel like I'm just whinning b/c there really isn't awhole lot I can do right now. Currently I'm trying to prepare mentally for the eventuality of my situation. Trying to build a picture the day when she comes to pickup her belongings and the day when I receive the court order, and play those images over and over in my head. This gives me daily ups and downs, but I figure that way I'll get used to it and it won't be as hard. Incidentally it also gives me less time to think about our good memories.