I'm a male in my early thirties and I have had an affair for the last 3 yrs. My wife and I have been married for 9 yrs together for 12. We have two girlies 2 and 4! I dn't know where we went wrong and I dn't know how to fix the hurt on both sides. We are scheduled for counseling and I am hoping this helps. We have always wroked opposite shifts. When we started she was 20 I was 21! I worked all nights and she worked days and Fri and Sat nights. We have not taken a honeymoon or even a weekend get away EVER! I sometimes wonder how we stayed together this long. I love my wife and care for her very much. I am crazy about my girls! I sometimes think my wife is incapable of giving me the emotional affection that I need! I am still trying to figure out if our marriage is over. I guess my biggest question would be, "How do I begin to forgive myself so that I can look at my wife again." Because right now I do not feel connected or attracted to her!! I am disgusted at the pain I have caused! Any help would be greatly appreciated.

We have two girlies 2 and 4! I dn't know where we went wrong and I dn't know how to fix the hurt on both sides.
This really upsets me, 3 yrs! I don't know why so many men choose to have affairs while we women are carrying around thier babies!

Don't leave, I am just frustrated because I am a BS, and my H cheated, and our DS is 3. And we are in recovery.

My other DS16 father cheated when I was 8 months pregnant going to lamas classes together, preparing to have our wonderful child! I gave birth to DS all by myself because I would not take him back.

You don't feel connected with your wife because you aren't connected, you lost your connection when you gave yourself to another woman for 3 yrs. Are you not attracted to her because she has maybe gained some weight giving birth to 2 of your beautiful girlies?

You will be here to learn how to get that connection back if you want it. As you will read here adultery is a very "selfish" destructive thing to do to your marriage and family.

How does your W feel, she must be devastated. Poor babies too!


Lady

Okay, I see something here. You have been married 9 yrs, but found another woman 1 yr after first child.

You weren't getting "all" of the attention after 1st child...so you went to find extra attention...right?

Does OW have children?

Have you cut all contact with OW?

Lady

Bum,

gosh, I understand the frustration of Ladysheep but
I hope someone on here gives you credit for trying to get help. You need it if you want to put things back together. It's never an easy road & you'll need all the support you can get.
Hold out for some good advice.
I can't give it since I'm on the other side of the fence.
I can tell you that building the trust with your wife is going to be VERY hard work. Patients & understanding will be your biggest friends.
Hang in there!

My wife is very attractive! She and I are both very fit! She has lost all her weight and then some! She is a beautiful woman! We have always joked that emotion wise she is more like the man and I am the female. I am home with the kids during the day going to library groups, preschool, groceries, house chores inside and out! She comes from a family which is very old fashioned and affection is not much of a priority. They get it through sarcasim. "If you are picked on you are loved." I want to be touched and held. Not just in a sexual manner. I also want to have a fulfilling sex life. Even before our first daughter. I felt my wife was only making love because we were married and that is what you are supposed to do. I very rarely feel we are making love because she desires me. We have roll reversal. The OW does not have children! My wife currently hates my guts! I UNDERSTAND THIS! I also understand that this is the most selfish and painfull event I could put my wife through!!

Is your W willing to work through this with you?

Are you willing to really look at yourself?

She is willing to work on things! I have taken a good look inside and I am very disappointed and digusted in myself! I want to know if I will ever forgive myself for what I have done! I also want to know if I can move on if I can not forgive myself? I am a great father and a great husband! I want to be my wifes hero again! I want to be my own hero again!

Ok first step -read everything on this site. Get the book HN/Hn and surviving an Affair. I am also a BS - now believe me when I say you can make this M work. If your W feels she can make it through what you have done to her. Right now is the time for total honesty. No love busters (LB's) - she will have plenty I am sure. You have decieved her to the max. You will have to be accountable to your wife for all your time ect. You need to start with a no contact letter written by you, approved by your wife and mailed by your W. This is just the begining.

My wife currently hates my guts!
Bum, it is normal for her to feel that way right now. But as Tialyn said patience and understanding will be your best friend. She will fluctuate with her feelings alot, and you will too. Don't push her away.

Never let your time be unaccounted for. If she asks you every time you leave, "where are you going" or "where did you go?" answer her with honesty. Call her when you are away to check in. Never be late, that will be a big "love buster", and set her back. But if you are late, and can't get around it, call her.

Pray alot, my H does, especially when I am angry.

Hope and pray for the best gift, and that is LOVE!

Lady

Become Glass ! You actions must become completely transparent. YOU have destroyed the trust she should have in you. You will need to EARN it back.

Becoming transparent is just the first step. Give her passwords for email accounts, web sites you use, cell phone records, etc..

Be Honest ! The lies to cover up the truth hurt as much as the betrail does.

Be Open ! The BW will have many questions for you. A few now, a lot more later. Answer all her questions honestly even it is hurts. ANY unanswered questions or dishonest answers will plant seeds of doubt and draw out the process longer than necessary.

Don't think you can "sugarcoat" you answers to make yourself look better or "lessen" her pain. The truth ALLWAYS comes out eventually and if you are not completly honest it will give her reason question your honesty.

You will have days where everything is going forward, you will have days where nothing is working and you want to give up. Don't.

We refer to these days as the Rollercoaster. Sit down, Strap in, & hang on. If you both want to make it through this you will.

You have friends here to help you through this!

Bum

Are you still out there?

Bumping this up.

I hope ASKME sees this thread. He should be able to give you good insight.

Keep posting and we'll try to help the both of you through this!

You know you have to separate out being rightly critical of the actions you took that caused pain to your wife from the person that you are. Look at how you addressed yourself with a username, Bum. Do you really think your children think of you that way? What about friends and family? Make your criticism against the actions you made and work on correcting those actions so you don't repeat them again.

Now, listening to the things you said I heard a wife that probably came from a dysfuncational family. There is nothing loving about being picked on. One learns after a while that love means pain. There is probably something in both of your pasts to conflict emotionally that is causing you not to meet each others emotional needs. The Marriage Builders site has some good information andbooks that discuss these topics and can help.

Try to not be so hard on yourself. Yes you made wrong choices, and took wrong paths. Work on those in a positive sense and take positive actions. Let your wife see humbleness and a willingness to do what is right. Doing those things are more rewarding that dewelling on a broken past.