Hey everyone. I’ve been reading instead of posting.
Short Recap: H & I have known each other since birth & been friends our whole lives. Married for almost 14 yrs. Survived many financial worries and the loss of 2 babies and much more.
Every time we have strain financially/job my H attaches his self to a “friend” & it’s always a woman! There have been (what I consider) 2 serious emotional affairs.
In April we bought a house. It’s nearly everything we wanted it to be (except for the price). Things were (I thought) good.
Because of the cost, I went back to work in June. In Sept work started going down hill for him. It wasn’t a minute before we were in trouble & he was starting to withdraw. We’ve survived these in the past. So I hung back and tried to give him space. The time came that I could wait no longer to discuss the financial issues. The biggest loosing our house if we didn’t take action. He was completely withdrawn and brought up a jealousy incident that happened in Sept. (long story) In that conversation I offered anything & everything. Got “I don’t know what I want or anything anymore.”
It’s the same story I got in the past when these “episode” happened.
Time drug on & he did nothing . So I ended up having to personally barrow the money for the house.
He has only been casual with me. No talking about us/problems or any kind of intimacy. He’s avoided me like the plague in most respects.
A chance to break the silence came this week. Not much different from the first talk. One big thing. He planned to go see his buddy in NC this weekend (6 hrs away from here). I’m figuring it’s just a way to get away from me & problems. He told me that his buddy has setup an interview for him with a Nascar race team. I was in complete shock. Years back we went with friends & visited the area. We joked a lot about the guys getting jobs & moving there. For many reasons that’s not a desirable situation now.
I can’t believe that he would consider this and actually go to the interview without discussing it with me.
At least now I know why our friends were saying “I didn’t think I’d see you” over thanksgiving when we visited. They had to know about it.
It just made me sick. It also makes me wonder if this was his plan.
He said his buddy has been bugging him since he moved there (which
I know to be true). Then he said it’s been about 4 months. Then again
a couple of weeks. I gathered that’s when it became a serious offer to setup a meeting. I asked him if he was planning on doing this without telling me, etc. He said no but had no real proof of that. If I hadn’t pressed the talk that night I don’t think he’d have told me. Not once was there a mention of us/me. I don’t know if he’s even considering our marriage at all.
Please remember that during all of this I have been doing everything I can not to blow up and keep a clear head. I’ve read on this site & others.
I don’t agree with everything but I really tried to contain myself. I try to have my emotions when I’m alone or shared them with my confidants.
I’ve tried to give him space & not blame him for all that is happening.
Not one of my confidants can understand how patient I’ve been and are ready to take him out their self. I’m thinking of my own protection, financially & emotionally.
I know I can wait to let my bad feelings loose later if the time comes.
I just don’t understand how a person can do this kind of thing.
It boggles my mind & has crushed my heart. I love my husband but I’m tired of feeling that everything is my fault.
If he comes home with a job offer I don’t know what will happen.
I don’t trust him enough even if he wants me with him to make that kind of move. I just don’t know what to do. I feel like I’m hanging out on a limb twisting in the wind (more like a hurricane!!!)
Thanks for listening gang. I have a feeling I’m going to need more support very soon.

Hi tialyn,

It is disturbing you and I can understand why. He is having a lot of Independant behavior.

He told me that his buddy has setup an interview for him with a Nascar race team. I was in complete shock.
Wow, things like that have to be talked about. Did he invite you to come along?

Is he at home with you at nighttime. Can he account for his schedule and times away from home?

Lady

NO! Since the first talk weeks ago he hasn't invited me anywhere. He does come home but only gives the bare minimum in converstaion/interaction. He spends most of his time in the depression mode. I understood that for a while but it's time for action. Heck, I could be the most depressed person in the world if I want to. My blood pressure was so high I had to go to the doc for meds.
He seemed to have completely given up on everything.
This is the first sign that he is thinking about doing anything and it doesn't include me.
I really feel this is his first step to leaving.
It's breaking my heart and seems so unjustified after all we've shared & survived.

I would sit down and have a "big" talk with him before he leaves for the weekend. Possibly ask him to go to coffee with you and have a talk. You do need to know what he is thinking! Sitting all weekend wondering will not be good for you. You need some answers.

You mentioned you believe he has had 2 emotional affairs with women. Do you believe he is having one now?

Lady

Too Late! He left at lunchtime today since it's 6 hrs from here. I guess the meeting is tomorrow & he'll be back late sunday.

There's on evidence of one but the 2 person is his best friend's wife. They are still in the picture. We've been friends with the whole family for 20 yrs. Not the kind of thing where all contact can be stopped. Their crossing the line happened nearly 4 yrs ago. It has taken me a long time to get passed it and try to put it in perspective.
She was the issue of jealousy this Sept. He wouldn't have know but someone told him. So far all I can find is there was an innocent breech of confidence. It really upset me because I thought I handled it very well & worked it out on my own. He was visiblily livid & it was discussed.
I guess it's old ghosts of the past resurfacing and all of the strain in our life. Pulling away is only serving to make it harder though. He's just not in the frame of mind to let me in at all and I don't know what to do.

Tialynn, my heart goes out to you, you are like sitting in limbo trying to figure out what is wrong with your H. It's baffling, to say the least.

Their crossing the line happened nearly 4 yrs ago.
Do you mean crossing the line into a PA or EA?

How does H BF feel about that? Did it bother him as well?

Is your H involved in drinking/drugs etc...?

I'm trying to figure what would cause such a big change in him, including the depression, which alone will cause one to withdraw from another. But there has to be a reason for the depression as well. I wonder what it is?

Do you have the opportunity to talk to him on the phone over the weekend?

Lady

Update:
H came home around 11 last night (sunday). He didn't call all weekend. He said he dropped his phone & it's not working now (it is old!), and when he tried to call from his friend's it only clicked & he couldn't get through. Ok... He's the only one who couldn't get me all weekend. hmmmm.....
He acted like he'd been on a vacation. He had pics & told me all about it. I guess he noticed my (non)reaction & asked if I was still sick. I told him I was better but tired. I wanted to rip his head off. I've been home not sleeping worried sick about our life while he's having a great time!! UGH!
I asked about the job. He said "It went ok I guess". They had lunch with the guy, he filled out the app., the guy said the face to face was a big part of it and he didn't say when he'd hear from him.

He seemed distant again this morning.

I'm just totally exasperated by him. I don't know what to think or do. It's driving me crazy & totally unfair.

Lady--
The depression is coming from the work situation. I know it's very hard for him during rough times at work.
He hates to feel like he can't provide for me.
He's not into drinking/drugs.
Crossing the line was EA. BF went through kidney transplant and bf-wife leaned way too hard on my H.
There's always been some kind of attration.
It seems to boil down to his ego & her being a self-centered spoiled brat drama queen. Trust me I felt that way about her before things went bad.
Believe me, I'm not the only one who has witnessed their attraction. EVERYONE has! I did not talk to his BF.
I talked to H & her seperately. Of course, both denied it.
I didn't feel comfortable talking to BF.
I only heard from a friend that noticed BF was upset at a get-together we had few yrs ago. I don't know if it has ever been an issue between them.
We all still interact but it's very different now and strained on my part. There's a long history there.

I haven't been able to find evidence of anything new or increased activity. If the past is a predictor he'll be doing something.

I'd just love to shake the crap out of him & wake him up.
I told my friend that I feel like he's swinging me in the air by one hand...round & round...up & down...and I'm holding my breath waiting for him to let go of my hand.
It's terrifying.

Hi Tialynn,

I glad to hear you are feeling better. It must have been a long weekend for you. And I can understand why you are so untrusting due to his past EA's.

What I am thinking is....do you have access to his cell phone records/statements? This way you can know all of the phone calls he's been making.

His excuse that the phone was broke, is not good, because I'm sure that is not the only way he could have called you, had he been thoughtful.

And he kindof sounds blaaaahzzzaaaee about the job interview. And that was the main reason, (so he said), for going.

I'm not saying for sure he is up to something, but these are ways you could find out.

Is he spending hours away from home that you don't know where he is?

See... things like this are what you need to look for, but don't tell him. You have to be a spy.

Lady

I read a post about doing a 180.
After finding this site & reading, that's
what I've done in this situation
as much as possible. I did have to handle
the financial stuff. Doing the 180 is
definitely a 180 for me.
It hasn't seemed to help though. I think he's seeing
it as rejection. When he mentioned that he
had tried to tell me about the trip he said
"..but you didn't seem interested. I guess you
were sick or whatever." It was an accusation.
Is this the reaction that it's supposed to have?
When he does talk to me I try to keep it about him
and be supportative. I get absolultely no response.
NO showing of feelings of concern for me at all and
no clue to what he wants. NOTHING!

I still can't find evidence of an A of any kind.
It just boggles my mind that he isn't snapping
out of all of this.

Last night he told me that he is talking to HR at work to see about his 401K and that he's going to put in his notice. I stayed completely calm. Truthfully I'm surprised it took this long. I asked a few questions.
There isn't another job lined up & he doesn't know what he wants to do. He said "I'll find something."
I just gave him time but stayed near incase he wanted to talk more. Nope. I know this is tearing him up.
I feel just as awful as he does. I decided to sit down next to him. I told him I felt bad that all of this was happening and I wish I knew how to fix it or what to do.
I just simply said it. I wasn't begging or despirate but sincere.
He looked at me & said "I guess it's just one of those things." There was no emotion, no concern or feelings in his eyes. Nothing. He turned back to his magazine like
I'd never been there.

Is there anyone who has experienced this?
Either yourself or spouse.

My Mom says he needs prozac. I'm sure it would help.
I know he is depressed but it seems to be at a scary level.
The shut down & empty look.
Is there anything I can do?

<Bump for Tialyn, REQUESTING HELP FROM THE EXPERTS ~ she needs a plan.>

Tialyn,

I find it odd that you H is quitting a job, and does not have another lined up. There is some "red flags" there.
His saying...."I guess it just one of those things" Is just a weird response.

He is keeping you in the dark for some odd reason. Just keep prying him. Some how.

I do wonder if he is thinking of moving to NC at this point.

You mention he may be depressed. Have you discussed that you are concerned that he may be, and that it might be good idea for him to see his Dr?

Lady

Well, the why question will probally never be answered but the what's going on has been.
Last night I was informed that he called our realtor about selling the house, he wants to move to NC, though not right away, has 2 job offers HERE and DOESN'T THINK HE CAN BE MARRIED ANYMORE!
His only reason, so far, is that he's not happy.
Well BOOHOO! Sorry but no one is happy all the time.
To me this has always been the words normally used for "I'm in love with (or F*&king) someone else.
I haven't found any evidence of that, YET.
This man has never been able to make a decision on anything and he suddenly decides to do all of this.
2 months ago we were still trying to have a baby and enjoying our home. ugh!
I'm totally devistated. The worst part has been his total, and I mean TOTAL, lack of emotion. There isn't one glimmer of remorse or concern in him. NOTHING!!!
He has said nothing about being sorry or worried about how I will handle this or live. Buying this house has totally wrecked my credit and left us with nothing monitary.
He knows how much I gave up for us to have it. Now he thinks he can just walk away.
I made it clear that he will help see all of that through. It insulted him that I would think otherwise. Ha!
I told him I don't know what to think, I don't even know who he is anymore & he's done plenty of things that I never thought he would do.
I'm scared & I don't trust him after all of this.
I tried very hard not to loose my temper or cry.
I finally just couldn't talk to him any longer.
I have been doing the plan A type stuff. Giving him all the space he needs, offering support but not demanding anything, etc. IT DIDN'T WORK. He is further away than ever & I feel cheated & betrayed. I feel like our entire marriage has been a lie. I gave so much to make this life we have & it's not enough. He seems totally immovable.
I don't see any hope for us. He may later realize that this is a mistake but I know I'll never trust him again.
We have known each other our whole lives & I trusted him to be my partner. That may sound silly or old fashioned but that's who I am. I bet my life that he would not do something like this. I could understand if we were a couple who fought all the time or never spent any time together. We weren't. I just can not comprehend this.
I will never understand it. I know it has more to do with what's going on inside of him but it stil hurts just the same. Now I'm left with very little time to figure out how and where I'm going to live.
I am very lucky to have the worlds best friend & 2 Mom's to back me up. I know I'll make it but right now I don't feel that way. :-{

I think you need to do some real investigating - checking his computer files, cell-phone calls, and maybe a recorder on the home phone and in his vehicle.

I suspect he is having an affair with BF's wife.

I'm hurt & angry right now & I know that's affecting my view but I don't see myself ever wanting him back.
We have been friends our whole life & does this with out one care of my well being. I understand not being happy etc but not just making all these decisions without even one care about me. What does that say about a 13yr 8mo
marriage? It wasn't perfect but we've always had each others interest at heart. It is a stab in the heart that I don't see getting over. I wish I could but I don't.
Not right now anyway.

I have checked his cell & such. Nothing to speak of.

Making all of these decisions without caring about you is what makes me suspect that he is having an affair. Folks in an affair leave their families, their children, newborn babies! They are like drug addicts. Nothing matters but the affair partner.

The reason I suggest you do some checking, is because IF he is having an affair, exposure can end it.