Mate, I think you're doing great. I agree with Mortarman...back off a little bit. Continue to make yourself worth pursuing, and let her pursue you. But this bothers me a little bit...


To me this comes very close to your legitimizing or sanctioning her relationship with the OM. It sounds like you're trying to gather intel...which is good...but I'm not sure this was a good place to go. Anyone else have an opinion on this?

Look..I have a big problem with even discussing OM...this is his W...so what they're separated...any mention of OM in anything other than the same way you would discuss sewage is a way of condoning the infidels relationship...one thing I learned from my very bad marriage, my subsequent separation, divorce, reconciliation and recovery is that both parties must atone for their wrongs and that both parties hold each other accountable for their actions during their previous marriage...there is no pardon because "we're recovering"....it is that "pardon" mentality that creates the roller coaster in my opinion...because you eventually jump back into the anger over the other parties actions....

It seems that my FWW tip toes around the subject of OM...because like sewage I get a funny look on my face when they would come up...coworker is (insert profanity here)...her Old, RICH OM doesn't come up...cause if he does it is a set back....for me...

MWIL...sorry for the thread jack



HTW...nice to see you are still with us! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> Looking forward to your update.

Folks, this has been a turning point day. Just had a 2.5 hour talk with WW.....and yes I can type this for the first time....FWW.....she has agreed to NC...an NC letter...SHE INSISTED that we go to a PRO marriage councilor....she AGREED to transparancy...and has EMPHATICALLY insisted on spending our free time together. She opened up, without any prodding by me....and said..."I don't feel 'dead' inside for you anymore" "I miss you and want us to work." I sat and listened in absolute silence....she insisted on me hearing her out. All talk was either remorseful or repenting in nature. NOT ONE JUSTIFICATION....NOT ONE INSTANCE OF BLAMING ME! She said: "I've been f'd up for the last 8 months....and over the last 2 months...I've found myself feeling for you, and looking at all the great qualities in a man that I'm just willing to let go" "I cannot give up on them. You are what I want."

I hardly said anything, other than, "We need patience, honesty, and above all, a common desire to have fun and live happy"

Head is spinning...so much more...but I wanted to get this out there.....BUT I AM STILL!!! And I am strong and focused and, thanks to this board, educated enough to have a bit of confidence that I will make the proper choices as we get into recovery. You all will be my angels as I travel down this narrow path....with my W.

MWIL

I am so happy for you!!!

Let her write the NC letter. 1 step at a time...I'd say she likes your side of the fence better! Lets keep her here. Sweet dreams!

Very good news George

Now remember patience and DON'T try to educate her. Us men love to try to fix something QUICKLY. You can not fix this overnight. She has a long journey ahead of her and you will be amazed at the progress, however, the progress is stop and go. I perceive you are going to have a intense few weeks of recovery, followed by a cooling off period. A couple of months later she'll take some more big steps and so on. You've done a GREAT job of opening the lines of full, open and honest, non-judgemental communication but still try to let her be the one to "get intense"...you just try to occupy the time together with fun things to do and keep LISTENING.

Recovery is different for everybody. Not quite as cookie cutter as what you've gone through recently. IMO, you've still got some difficult weeks ahead of you as it is harder for the betrayed spouse up front. As long as your OK, it will eventually be more difficult for the WS as they will FOREVER have to live with what they did to you and your family. When she eventually realizes that her feelings for OM were complete fantasy, that she risked it all for a nobody and that he could have been anybody...it really becomes devastating for them. I imagine someday she'll read these words and if it's in the next few weeks she'll scoff at them but eventually...she'll come to understand them.

You've been a brave fighter for your wife, marriage and family. Congratulations on a job well done...so far.

Good luck,
Mr. Wondering

p.s. - take it easy tomorrow night, insist on enjoying each others company, let her know you have the patience to take this slow and you both need to just mix in some fun and revitalize your lives a little WHILE undertaking recovery. If she'll allow it make it a celebration of sorts. She will remain confused and unsure of herself. She is still going to be foggy and say the darndest things (maybe not immediately, but she will at times even months down the road)...try, er, keep rolling with it as you always have.

p.p.s. - finally, I want to remind you that you indicated your fear OM had some drug problems. IF you have sex with her wear a condom...but waiting for STD screening is the smartest thing you could do. Your kids can't afford to have both parents infected with something really bad. Protect yourself for their sake if not your own.

hey...now everyone knows your name!!

Good for you...and I hope you do not think I was being a wet blanket..you have tried sooo hard for this chance that you should be ecstatic...but listen to what Mr. W says...this is where there could be failure...recovery is the hard part...be smart...(you are)...be wary (and prepared for her to perhaps even resent this of you)....and be safe...take it easy and slow....NC letter is just one of the steps...prepare for withdrawal...

strap in....or as Kamer said "Gidde up"...the ride is bumpy...

Thanks to all.....

It's funny.....I'm not nervous at all about tonight...because we have been spending so much time together anyway.....it's been very natural to interact...

A little discouraging news....My mother is pretty pissed that I'm even considering reconciliation. My mother has never really been good at forgiveness anyway under any circumstances. She's always been a "love you or hate you kind of person". But that is of little consequence as it comes to my wife and I.

I'll post more later....looking forward to a fun night tonight!!!

GOOD NEWS... This has all been great to read. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />
Congrats are in order!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

How ironic... My WW this week came to me with a lot of the same stuff also wanting to become a FWW...
I understand how great you must be feeling right now...
Now we move on to the next level "recovery". Good luck and God Bless you and your family... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Dazed

MWIL,
Don't listen to your mom! I'm very happy for both you and dazed and wish I could join your club. Maybe someday. These posts of beginning recovery are truly inspiring.
All the best!
68

Thanks, Dazed and Lost.

A couple of questions for anyone with insight about tonight:

1.) I haven't been wearing my wedding band since she left the house in Jan......Should I put it back on for tonight's "date"....or would that be too much????

2.) Should I initiate some holding of her hand...say when we walk from the car to the restaurant (KFC)???

My .02
I wear my ring because it represents a promise I made which has not been broken. I wear her rings on a chain (which may indeed seem a bit pathetic) but they meant very much to me when I gave them to her and I feel someone should be wearing them.:)

Great news!!! Awesome!!! It looks like I was wrong. I hope so.

I would hold off on the ring until she moves back home, or at the very least in a few days. You don’t want to appear too eager. But things are looking extremely good.

I am very happy for you MWIL!

It wasn't that long ago when you were going through a terrible time and slowly you have you made this happen learning you can only control yourself. Well done my friend.

You know your situation is similar to mine and that is why I have followed your story from the early stages. I hope I can get to a place where you are one day.

I want you to know that your posts have given me hope (whether I save my M or not) that things will get better when you focus on yourself and only try to control your thoughts and actions, not those of others.

It's so great to hear a success story (two now with dazed) instead of all the horrible events that have unfolded over the past few months. I hope MB is entering a period where recoveries become the norm and not the exception.

Well done and remember the hard work is just beginning.

HTW

P.S. I would keep the ring off until you both are certain you have entered recovery. You can use that oppourtunity to signal a new start and new M for the both of you.

I would hold off on the ring as well since you have not been wearing it. As your recovery progresses and you feel you have your W back it would be a nice gesture.

My SIL has the same sentiments as your Mom. "After all he has done why would you just take him back. I hate him for what he has done to you and the kids and the position he has put the whole family in."

I told her that none of us are perfect and we all make mistakes. I wouldn't be letting him back just cause he wants to...it would take time and he would have to earn it.

Have FUN tonight! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

How about the holding of hands???? I was thinking of just gently out of the blue grabbing her hand as we walk into the restaraunt. And then maybe at the end of the night, giving her my phone number...and asking her to give me a call sometime...with a gentle kiss on the cheek....or should I just "go with the flow". I'd like this to be nice and natural, but with maybe a few "thought out" suprises that may deposit a few extra ++'s in the LB.

Comments??? This is gonna be so cool!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Go with the flow. Even though you are dying to be with her, you have to give her the impression that she still has some work to do to convince you to take her back.

Take it easy. Don’t over dramatize the date. Enjoy it, without overdoing it, as you seem h*ll bent on doing. Remember doing the 180 got you here, not being all over her.

Point well taken UVA!! I have NO intention of "over-doing" it....this will just seem like a good, fun night out....I was just looking for a few opinions on some "ideas" that popped up. It's just good to hear differenting opinions...keeps me "learned"!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

Word. I'd also suggest that even if the opportunity presents itself, don't be too quick to hop in bed with her because you're "back together". And as Mr. W said, when you do get to that point, protect thyself.

By the way, congratulations! Sounds as if she folded like a house of cards. Do you know what her 'aha' moment was? Not to be a wet blanket, but did OM dump her?

No....she told him "they have no future". And he responded "Why don't you just tell me you want to go back with you H." She responded: "I have a small chance to get my family back, and I don't want to turn away from that chance."

He basically then "manipulated" her by telling her that's what she should do and to "not worry about poor old me". FWW told me, she sees his feable attempts at controlling her with his pity parties.

SF with her??????????? Not for awhile, brother!!! I've worked way too hard too make this a quick, false recovery. I need to make sure that I truly have forgiven her...and I won't know that for awhile I assume.