First off let me say that I appreciate anyone taking the time to read and respond.<P>My background:<BR>I am a 28 year old male, my wife is 27. We have known each other for about 6 1/2 years, and have 3 1/2 year old twin daughters. After a whirlwind relationship, (we got engaged after only knowing each other for 3 months. I have always felt that when I met "The One" I would know it, and she was it) We got married after dating for 1 1/2 years. My wife and I have been married for 5 years as of 9-3-99. No problems in our relationship other than normal marital stuff until...<P>My problem:<BR>About 6 months ago I started suspecting my wife may have been cheating on me. I never confronted her about my feelings because I only had suspicions with no real strong evidence. My suspicions started about six months ago when there were several "lifestyle changes" made on my wifes part. She started hanging out with friends from work who mostly consisted of guys.<BR>Now I am not a jelous guy by any means so at first I had no problems with this. At the time my wife was working at a retail store and she had to be at work by 7AM. She would stay out till 2:30am then get up to go to work a couple of hours later. This continued for a few weeks then she wouldn't return until 3:00am. I began to wonder why the extra half hour. Especially when bar time is 15 minutes fast. She would be able to stay out all hours of the night with her firends, but when she would stay home with me she would be in bed by 8pm. (I work an afternoon shift 3pm - 11pm so we have little time to spend together anyway) She would always take a shower when she got home and then would have to get up and go to work the following morning. She suddenly took up smoking again ( she smoked when I first met her but quit for me becasue I don't care for it). She started working out and joined a gym.<P>Now all of these may seem insignificant, I know, but they are all lifestyle<BR>changes she made rather quickly and taken together I became nervous she may<BR>have been having an affair. I never confronted her about this though. I<BR>did have a heart to heart with one of her best friends one night and<BR>inquiered if she knew of my wife having an affair. Of course she told me<BR>that as far as she knew my wife had not had one. I am certain that this<BR>conversation most likely got back to my wife and it wasn't too long after<BR>that (month or so) that my wife quit going out to the bars several nights a<BR>week with her co-workers, and she even ended up quiting that job and getting a new one. Things seemed to be going much better the past month or so and then I got hit with a bomb last night. A friend, and co-worker, of mine announced that he was getting divorced from his wife three days ago. I saw<BR>him last night and he pulled me aside to let me know that he got a call from a person he had never even met saying she had some information about his wife and how she had been cheating on him. During this conversation this person also told him that I should confront my wife about her cheating. I do not know this person either and wonder how she would have any info about my situation or my wife. I have never told anyone my suspicions other than my wifes friend.<P>Now I am once again concerned and I don't know if I can trust her ever again. Do you think I should confront my wife and see her reaction? (I'm sure she would deny any extra-marital relationship if she had one) Or should I let it go since things seem to be better now and IF she had one it<BR>may be over? I am thinking about trying to get a hold of this person that<BR>supposedly has knowledge of my wifes possible affair to find out more<BR>information.<P>Thanks to all who took the time to read this long message and those who took<BR>the time to reply. I am new to this forum although I have been a "lurker" the past 6 months or so. I needed to talk to someone I guess, and get some more opinions.<BR>

:-( -- Interesting "name." First, the standard speech. . .I really am sorry that you find yourself needing this forum. The pain of infidelity can be truly unbearable. The members of this forum all know the feelings and will be of tremendous help if you ask them.<P>With that said, What a position to find yourself in. . .you suspect your W of having an affair, ignore it only to later have someone else tell you that they were told your W is/was having an affair. How bizarre.<P>So did your W have an affair? From what you have said here, I could even fathom a guess. Your right, many times lifestyle changes such as you described "could" be indicative of infidelity, but does not necessarily prove anything. I know, I am not telling you anything you didn't already know.<P>The way I see it, you have a couple options.<P>First you can confront your W.<P>This may or may not give you anything useful.<P>Second, you could "follow up" with the perosn who "gave out" the information. Again, this may or may not be useful.<P>Third, you could do nothing. The biggest problem that I see with this option is that should you find out later that your W did in fact have an affair, you may have an even harder time getting past the pain.<P>Bottom line. I really don't have a useful answer for you. Ultimately you have to decide what, if anything, you are going to do. Others may be able to give you some insight that is worth something, but with your user name, I just could pass up syaing HI and welcome to our family.<P>God Bless

Let me also say that I love my wife dearly and don't know if I would ever be able to trust her again if she was unfaithful. I also left out that during the "low" of this period we had a serious talk and at that time she said that she loved me but that she did not feel "in love with me". I at the time told her the same thing but re-canted a few days later by telling her that I realized I could not live without her, (and I still feel this way). Things the past few weeks hav ebeen *much* better and I feel if she had had an affair that it is over now. But like I said above. This "stranger" out of the blue calls and says I should confront my wife. This brings up all my feelings from before where I was scared she was cheating on me.<P>Any opinions are appreciated.<P>Thanks,<P>DAC<BR>

empty shell Thanks for the quick response. No, I have not confronted my W about my suspicions and I do not know for certain if she had an affair or not. Like you said I ignored my "feelings" the first time around and now thought things were better. Then out of the blue I get told by a friend/co-worker that he recieved a telephone call telling him information (valid at that) about his relationship and then this person, whom either of us know, mentions my name and says that I should confront MY W! <P>I think I am going to try to find out who this person is and contact them myself to see what type of information they have to offer.

:-( -- I can imagine how difficult this must be for you, but from the sounds of things you have reached a point where you now "need" to know the truth.<P>When I found out about my W affairs, it came as a total suprise to me. For a long time, I didn't trust my W to tell me what the weather was like outside. I checked and double checked EVERYTHING she told me, no matter how small. For several months things were VERY tense around our house. It took a lot of work for me to trust my W again. And no it was definately not easy to do. It takes time, and a commitment from both of you in order to rebuild trust. In fact this is often a topic of discussion on this forum.<P>Just one woprd of caution to you. Before you start "looking" for answers. Ask yourself if you REALLY want to know the answers. Sometimes you hear things which can tear your heart apart.<P>Good luck, and I hope some of the other regulars are able to offer you some other advice.<P>God Bless

Hi there guys,<P>Mind if a female jumps in here?<P>First off, I'd like to say welcome to MB and you will, I'm sure, find comfort and insight here.<P>I'm sorry for the confusion and anxiety over the possibility of you Wife's having an affair.<P>I'd like to throw out a few thoughts, if I may. And I, of course, have some questions for you also!! I'm a great one for questions!! LOL!!<P>You were both fairly young going into this relationship - did either of you experience other relationships and the "going out partying" phase?<P>Could be that's a factor in her previous behavior....The party fun!<P>Then add two babies at once to the mix and that's a heavy load....on both of you. Was her previous job her first? Was she there throughout pregnancy? Did she just go back to work a little before the going out time?<P>I'm thinking that maybe there was a period of overload for her. Any thoughts on that?<P>If she became embroiled in anything at that time (and I say IF - cuz you really don't know) these things I've mentioned along with influence of others could have been factors.<P>Besides the going out, etc. - what was the overall mood of your relationship at that time? Did she say or did you sense that she was overwhelmed with her responsibilities? Was she stressed? Did she have a tendency to snap at you or blame you for things or need more attention before the going out started?<P>After you talked with her friend, she turned things around some, right? How are things since? Has she had opportunity to continue on the same course as before? Do you sense that she is different and back to normal now?<P>I think that a person you know getting a phone call from a stranger is odd...what is this stranger's motivation? Why would your friend/coworker decide on divorce so quickly? Did he just believe this stranger or ask his wife or confirm things on his own? Did he not try to work things out and find out what and why?<P>And why would this strange girl mention you and your wife? I'd be very skeptical about all of this sneaky underhanded stuff going on. Especially since your wife is not doing those same things now. Why was this not said before?<P>Too many questions in this mix!!!<P>I don't advise that you contact this person....nope not at all. The more people you drag into your life and marriage (like your wife did by going out) the more people to throw monkey wrenches into the works. It is not a game of I SPY!!!<P>You said that you feel that whatever your Wife went through is in the past.<BR>Why do you want to dredge it up and keep the speculation going? Because some girl with an agenda calls a coworker out of the blue!!<P>I think that instead of wasting your energies and thoughts on this detective soap opera....you should concentrate on your wife and girls. They are what needs you attention....not some unknown caller.<P>If there is something afoul here, it will reveal itself in it's own good time. You don't need to go looking for something that might not even be there and is in the past enough not to be able to get any concrete evidence of anyway!<BR>What would you find? Hearsay from people that you won't know what their motives are?<P>No, don't even go there....you're much better off following your instincts about the present!! That is what matters. Read about communication skills and the concepts on this site.<P>They are good to know for a thriving honest relationship. Start filling each other's lovebanks!! Now that's something to use your energy and thoughts on!!<P>If things with your Wife ever start getting weird again, then you will have the knowledge of how to deal with it and will know what and how to say things to her about her behavior. <P>I really think that sharing the load of responsibilities and making sure that each of you don't get to overwhelmed might be key for your relationship. It's so difficult with the two little ones.....don't look for more to put on your plate.<P>Hope this helps you a little.<P>Hugs and Strength,<P>Sheba<P><BR>

Hi there,<P>Thought I'd jump in as well. I'm sorry to hear about the difficulties you're having with your marriage. On the bright side, though you've found this forum. There are a lot of fine people here with diverse experience to share with you. I wish I had an opportunity like this to learn some years back.<P>I'm 44 years old, been marriage 21 years. 6 years after we were married my W slipped into an affair. It's a long story most of which you can find by doing a search on me or my wife Suse.<P>For now, I wanted to offer a few things then I've got to get to work. First, yes, there are a lot of classic signs something is not right. All the behavioral changes, especially the ones of the "bad as I wanna be" ilk. If you're instincts are telling you something's up, then something is. The question is what.<P>Now here's a bit of my standard speech: stop and think about what you want to accomplish and what alternatives you have available to you before taking ANY action. Seriously.<P>You love your wife, you love your children. You want this marriage to work. That's a very firm start. I'm saying with that foundation, be prepared to do whatever you can do to save it.<P>This might get tough, if in fact she is involved with someone else. Many here will tell you that infidelity is a sort of fantasy existence. It will be tough for you to compete with that. So, for now, my best advice would be to remain non-confrontational for awhile. Learn more from us. Read books about infidelity. Think about how you want to approach this. <P>Hope this helps. Good luck. We're here when you want to connect.

Sheba,<P>To answer your questions. Yes were were young and I was quite the "partier" in my college years. My wife was also.<P>We may have had the kids a little soon in our relationship (1 year into the marriage) and therefore didn't get the time to spend together as a married couple as much as we may have liked.<P>My W was working for General Motors at the time we got married but quit once we had the children. One child was born with some major health problems and had heart surgery at 8 months of age. She is fine now though. My wife quit because of the extra care that was needed for this daughter. She required medicine every 4 hrs and was on O2 too. This was not a job my wife had wanted to spend the rest of her life at so she was not too disapointed. Our daughter started getting better and my W needed some time to get out on her own so she ended up taking the job at the department store, which I encouraged.<P>Our relationship seemed "status quo" prior to her going out period. This job, however did stress her out quite a bit. The relatively low pay for the work she took upon herself. My wife is very strong willed and takes her jobs very seriously. She was frustrated because of upper management and such at work but our relationship was fine (or so I thought). Then the changes described in my first post came about.<P>After speaking with her friend things did seem to change. It was in July that I had the conversation with her friend and things seemed to return back toward "normal" around mid August, and since things have gotten back to the way they were prior to all of this happening.<P>As for this strange caller, my friend/co-worker and his wife had been having problems for quite sometime. I think that this unknown caller is/was actually a aquaintance of my friend/co-workers W. They decided to divorce (in my opinion anyway, because of her infidelity which had been going on for sometime). When I saw her last Sat. evening she walked up to me and told me that she and her H were getting a divorce. (I feel this had been in the works for sometime, but they had just gone "public" with it) They didn't decide to do this based upon a phone call from a stranger. Two days later I saw her H and he pulled me aside to tell me that on Sunday, he got "the phone call". He merely told me that this person had told him about things she knew of his relationship (which he informed me were acurate). This person then went on to tell him that several of his co-workers should confront their wives about the same issue, and she mentioned my name specifically. Like I said before I never met this person, I do not know who this person is and I had never told anyone my fear of my W's infidelity except for the one time when I spoke with my W's friend. This really bothers me right now because I see it as my suspicions may have been accurate. I don't know what this person's motivation is other than [speculation] she does not want to see other people go through what my friend is going through [/speculation]. I for some reason can not get over this. Ever since he told me this and he put it this way "Take it for what it's worth because I don't know this person, but she did know a lot about my situation" I have had this on my mind and right now I don't know if I can trust my W. If she wants to go out I know I will wonder if she is sneeking around behind my back. I can see that my trust I once had of my W has greatly deteriorated.<P>I guess I should also say that my brother just went through a rough divorce. It was in January that he broke the news to the family that his W had been sleeping around with numerous people and that their last child was not actually THEIR last child. It belonged to someone else. This news hit me pretty hard too because no one close to me has ever gone through something like this. <P>I understand you say to let this go, and go with the present situation which seems to be on an upswing. (at least over the last several months it has). But I have this urge to know if she did or did not. I also know that if she did not and I bring this up and *accuse* her (not really accuse, but I know she will take me asking as accusing) it could hurt our relationship also. Right now I feel as though I am pretending our relationship. Meaning I feel like I am faking and not being natural, because at the front of my mind is everything I described here.<P>I really appreciate you responding and hope I was able to answer your ?'s without babbling too long here.

Hiya :-(<P>Might I make a suggestion? Have you discussed with your W the possiblity of doing couples counseling? I know, it sounds like a "canned" response, but you cannot understand how helpful it can be to be able talk to your spouse with a neutral person helping to guide the conversation constructively.<P>A counselor can help you put your fears and concerns into the proper format to assure your wife that she can come clean and NOT lose you. A GOOD counselor can help her see that honesty is really the best policy in this regard. And, if she's NOT having an affair, a counselor can help you learn why her behavior is changing and how the two of you can adjust your lifestyles to accomodate each other again.<P>Having said that, here's my take on your situation, from a MarriageBuilders' perspective:<P>It seems, from what you've told us, that your wife has a need for recreational activity that, for some reason, you're not meeting. It could be the different working shifts. It could be the fact that you have two kids to take care of. It could be anything. However, it appears that your wife is filling that need by going out with co-workers. That's not necessarily a BAD thing if it's kept in moderation. Socializing with co-workers can build healthy working relationships.<P>The problem is when she relies on these co-worker outings to the exclusion of spending time with you. She isn't letting you fill that need. Maybe she doesn't think you're available or even WILLING to fill that need.<P>The problem here is communication. You need to find out what's going on and where you've let her down. (not that I am saying you DID let her down, but I bet she feels like it). You also need to tell HER where she's letting YOU down.<P>Please, please go to counseling. If your wife won't go, go without her. Find somebody who is familiar with the MarriageBuilders, or with similar philosophies. If you can't find somebody you like, try phone counseling with Steve Harley at MarriageBuilders. I've never used him, but from everything I've heard about him, he is EXCELLENT. Ask K (another MB poster) about him. K uses Steve for phone counseling and swears by him.<P>You need help with this. Don't try to do it on your own. It will be MUCH harder.<P>------------------<BR>/// Lone Star * ///<P>

Hi,<BR>I too am sorry that you find yourself here but this place has been my saving grace. Come here if you need to and learn ( read,read,read, )<P>I can't give you any specific advice. You have to do what your heart tells you. I will say this and it may not be what you want to hear.<P>Looking back on my W's affair and just prior to it ( 3-4 months ) She too did the increased going out with friends and dressing up to look good. I was very uncomfortable with it for a long time but did not want to restrict her activity ( that is not what a relationship is all about, right ? ) Anyway I'm 99% sure she was not having an affair during that time but what I do know is that it set the stage for her affair. It allowed her the freedom and the opportunity to have an affair. Looking back there are a number of changes that I could have done but hind sight is always 20/20.<P>It sounds like you are in a position to attempt some of those changes. Be with her, Pay attention to her, talk to her, LISTEN to her, and so on.<P>I feel for you I really do, For me I had no idea until she told me. I had no preparation time. Not that preparing for this will make it any easier. You my friend are possibly in a position to show your W how much you really love her and are able to fill her needs before it is too late.<P>Good luck and check back often...<P>------------------<BR>Rutger......One day at a time.<P><BR>

Thanks for the replies. Lone Star, I did set up an appointment to see a counselor back when we had the "I still love you, but am not IN love with you" talk. However two days before going, my wife said that she felt better about our whole situation and did not feel we needed to go, so we never went. I think you are right when you say my wife has a need for recreational activity. The problem is with the children and different shifts we very rarely get the opportunity to go out together.<P>Rutger when you said <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Looking back on my W's affair and just prior to it (3-4 months) She too did the increased going out with friends and dressing up to look good. I was very uncomfortable with it for a long time but did not want to restrict her activity (that is not what a relationship is all about, right ?) <HR></BLOCKQUOTE> That is exactley how I feel.<P>I still have this uncontrollable urge to talk to this stranger to see what it is she has seen/heard about my marriage. Do you all vote against that? So far it seems that Sheba thinks I should not contact this person.<p>[This message has been edited by :-( (edited September 29, 1999).]

:-(<P>I can't even spell your name LOL!<P>Well My vote would be to talk with this person. However be prepared to take what you hear with a grain of salt. It could only be gossip. How does this person know your wife? <P>It sounds like everything has improved in your relationship except that your trust has deteriorated.<P>I would be tempted to look for opportunities to make huge lovebank deposits to see what kind of return you get.<P>I agree with Lonestar too you need to try to meet some of the needs she is finding by going out with co-workers. <P>At sometime you need to address the trust issue, not by accusing but in a way that she can help you trust her more. Perhaps it would be best discussed in a counseling session. <P>In summary I would look to build onwhat you have, try to trust but keep one eye open.

Well, I called this mystrey woman to see what she had to say. I just have to know where she got her information. She was not there so I left a message requesting she call me back, but she hasn't as of yet.<P>What an emotional roler coaster I am on. One minute I see RED and am convinced my W has cheated then the next I feel that I am making this all up.<P>I have decided that I have to deal with this and have to know. After I hear from the mystery woman I will confront my W (I think). Otherwise I might never get through this. <P>As for my "name" :-( it was what described my feelings at the time I signed up for this MB. <BR><p>[This message has been edited by :-( (edited September 29, 1999).]