My H says he never stopped loving me. He didn't love her, he cared for her and they had a friendship, basically with benefits of sex occasionally. I told him I feel like our whole last year was basically a lie and he says that it wasn't. When he was with me he was with me, that he loves me and always had. That I am the only one he has ever loved.

Is he just saying that? I tend to believe he isn't because he is being brutally honest and answering all my questions, whenever I ask them with no complaints. He understands my need to ask questions.

So, to all those who have been the WS, and I am sure some did stop loving their spouse, but are there some who didn't?

Did you stop loving your spouse during the affair? single choice
	Yes
	No
	Other, see my explanation below
Votes accepted starting: 12/02/05 04:45 PM
View Results

Verano,

My feelings changed. It's why I gave my husband the I love you but I am not in love with you speech. I loved him with all my heart - it killed me to watch him hurt - he was my best friend (or should say - he IS my best friend. But those "romantic" feelings I called love I wasn't having. And so I used the infamous line...I love you but am not in love with you.

MY H is convinced he stopped loving me during his A, and his feelings came back when we reunited and he came home...I tend to believe that he still loved me, he was convincing himself he didn't in order to be able to move on and past the hurt I caused him and start a new life with OW.

Thanks Dorry!

My husband still says he is in love with me, never stopped. I just am feeling a bit down and wondering if what he says could possibly be true. I know he gave me guilt gifts, but it never seemed that he stopped loving me when he was at home. It is just now that I have come out of denial and the affair is in the open, I feel like our life was a lie. If that makes any sense. At the time, we were happy and I have lots of totally happy memories from the past year. I guess I should just hold on to them and know that it was what it was.

verano

My H and yours sound the same. The OW was just a "friend" and that he had no intent on leaving his life with us. That he didn't want to be with her he just enjoyed how she made him feel and he was addicted to that. I feel like you...how can you say you love me and still be with this other person...I still dont understand but i see in his choosing to be with me and working things out that he wants to be with me. It may be something i never understand.

I can't answer your poll, but just wanted you to know that you are not alone in feeling the way you do and that other WS have said the same thing.

losttiger,
thanks!! i figured that others must wonder. i actually can understand him loving me and still having her on the side. he wasn't getting sex from me like he wanted or needed, and from our conversation tonight, never has. frequency wise or even feeling desired. i told him he could have told me he was feeling like he would cross the line, but he said he asked many times and i would always have an excuse or be up on the computer. all very true.

even when i had my first clue that he was having an affair a year ago tomorrow, i didn't do anything to change. pretty dumb. sure, i had sex with him more frequently for like 2 weeks, then it went back to every 2-3 months. that was not too smart on my part. i should have started plan A and just really tried to fix things then, but i was in denial...

oh well. the past is gone. all i have is the future. i plan on being the wife he wants and needs, the lover he needs finally after almost 10 years as well. as i told him tonight, better late than never.

Verano, I never stopped loving my H, but like Dorry, I also felt “I love my H, but not in love with him” during and after my inappropriate involvement with XOM. Please read this post to give you more insight and understanding into this.

I never stopped loving my wife, so I guess I could have answered NO, but I wanted to add that the feelings are complicated in that I had a lot of confusion due to my sexual addiction. I was tiggered by a high level of anxiety dealing with some very difficult family situations and those family issues causes stress that affected the way I felt. I was basically angry at the world and my feeling would have changed with anyone I was in a relationship with if they had been in a similar place. You can't go through the family issues we went through and not come out unchanged. Sadly my addiction issues through a whole different kink in the mix. I guess the good part is they are under control and I can still say I love my wife.

I will never understand this I love you but NOT in love with you. I heard this for soooo long. Now he says I was always in love with you. How can that be true when he hurt me daily for almost 2 years with his verbal abuse ect. His actions were horrible for that long. I think no you did not even like me then. So how can you say I was always in love with you. I was just confused and lost. He says he does not even know what he was doing at that time. I do not think he loved me at that time and I surely do not think he even like himself at that time.

I always find it fascinating to read where the BS yearns to hear their actively-adulterous spouse say the words: "I love you."

After D-day I forbade Mr Pep from saying ILY to me. I'd hold up my hand like I was stopping traffic and I'd say:" STOP! You told OW you love her for 2 years while lying and betraying me. I don't want to hear you say 'ILY' until I am convinced you know what those words mean."

Hearing "ILY" from the lips that had recently been all over OW's body .... made me sick to my stomach.

I desired a deeper more spiritual meaning of "I love you" ... and, I refused to listen to any guilt motivated declairation of his love for me.

I am a big believer in this fact of life ~~~>

YOU CAN'T HAVE IT BOTH WAYS

saying ILY is significant of something deeply soulful .... or it is not

When an adulterous confused spouse says "I love you" ... yet they are soooo lost and their emotions are all over the map .... I don't think their "ILY" is anything but counterfeit currency ... hoping to buy some more time for them to be confused and behave badly.

my 2 cents

So, Pep...this is what you H's ILYs meant to YOU at the time.

verano's question speaks more to what they meant to HIM.

I never stopped loving (the feeling) my wife. There were times that I didn't behave in loving manner. Had I stopped loving her...I think I would've bailed...pretty simple.

Low

So, Pep...this is what you H's ILYs meant to YOU at the time.

... and also what his ILY's meant to OW at the same time!

verano's question speaks more to what they meant to HIM.

Verano writes her WH said he did not love OW.

My H told OW "ILY".
You told OW "ILY".

My position is .... either Mr Pep loves me and acts accordingly ... or don't utter those words. I don't need someone who is betraying me to say to me "I love you." It totally weakens the meaning.

No thanks. I don't care what he feels.

He would call me on the phone to tell me "ILY" ... then right away go screw her and tell her "ILY". His feelings are not the issue. The significance of those words is the issue .... for me.

I never stopped loving (the feeling) my wife. There were times that I didn't behave in loving manner. Had I stopped loving her...I think I would've bailed...pretty simple.

OK

Surely you don't mean this.

[b]Don't call me Shirley. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I certainly do not care to hear "I love you" from the lips of my husband .... the very same lips recently kissing private areas of another woman. I do not care what his feelings are at that moment. When he'd say "ILY" I want it to mean something deeper than "I still love you after going down on OW."

Now do you understand?

sorry for being so crude ... but this is my thinking

Pep I understand completely - right after D-Day I did not want to hear the ILY either. I to pout up my hand and said stop. I needed time. I told him he had over 2 years now was my time to decide where I wanted to be and with whom. I told him it was all on his shoulders now to win me back.

No one who has an affair truly loved thier spouse. If they are not getting sex or other things from the spouse, they lovingly should have worked it out and even gone to MC instead of cheating. The love was not that strong if they ended up choosing to cheat. But what do I know i never had an affair. Only married 5 years so far. I can imagine the pain of one however.

To my H, for most of his life, the verb 'to love' seems to have been interpreted as 'experiencing a temporary sense of self-worth while with another'.

'I love you' meant 'I (feel good about myself while I'm with) you'.

Occasionally he did feel good about himself while with me (when he could stuff down the feelings of guilt), so the ILYs were genuine, as far as he was concerned.


TA