I have spent most of my day on the computer reading the comments by many who are feeling the same thing I am. It has helped me so much. I wish I had known months ago about this forum. My husband of 19 years is or has been having an affair. Of course he says he is not. I confronted him and since that time has at times seemed to try to pull things together. It is not working for me though. Even if he has ended the affair, he is not being honest with me. He has lied so much about things that shouldn't even matter which lets me know more than anything else that he has something to hide. Sometimes I think maybe I am just going nuts and everything is o.k. but I read things here and realize how much we all have in common. We all being those being hurt by an unfaithful spouse. I want to confront the owlive in boy friend but just don't know if I should. Any advice?

Hi. Welcome. Well, they always say they are not having an affair, even when you catch them. Have you done any investigating, checked his computer, cell phone, etc? Is he gone, working late, or with "friends"?

Has he started being cold toward you? That is usually a sign. How is your sex life?

The starting point is Plan A. You can read all about it here. It is showing him what a great wife you can be. It also includes not LB'ing him, yelling, begging, etc.

I have basically done all the wrong things at this point. I am having a really rotten day. I initiated sex with him this morning and he rejected me. This evening he tried to make things better but I am so hurt at this point that I just want to forget it.

EVERYONE does all the wrong things at first. By the time I found this site, I'd already thrown my WH out.

Read up on Plan A. Think of the things that your husband has complained about in the past, and start working on them.

Things are HORRIBLE at first, but it does get much better.

I understand he and the suspected OW are no longer working together. Is that right?

I do believe that he is breaking away but he still is not confessing to anything. I know he is still talking to her. no, I have found nothing in his cell phone records, however, he deletes everthing which he has not done in the past but I still see nothing in his bill. I noticed that he was making a regular withdrawal once a month of 450.00 that he could not explain. he said he was giving it to me. I guess he thinks I am a total idiot. He was NOT giving me that money. I spoke to the OW and ask if he had given her money. She said no that even at Christmas he only gave her a card. He never gives cards and he denied giving her a card but why would she lie. Because he gave her something and saying it was a card I guess was supposed to make me feel better. the strange twist to this story is that she is about to deliver a baby. my husband had a V. The OW is now living with her boyfriend. I really want to talk with him just to ask if he ever suspected them? even though he is being with someone I know with all my heart it may no longer be her. I still need to know the truth.

She is no longer working there. He initally told me she had only come by the office once. Then it was a couple times and now it is about once a month or so to see a friend.

"I have found nothing in his cell phone records, however, he deletes everthing which he has not done in the past "

Big red flag here. We have a saying here. Those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing.

You can't ask the OW things and expect the truth. So I wouldn't believe that he didn't give her money.

Does your husband account for his time?

He says he has not spoken to her since she left. I know this is untrue. The day I went to visit her I could tell she expected me and was prepared. He told me when I first ask about her that he did not know her last name. What a joke. She worked as his assistant for over a year. I told her that they had gotten much to close. She said well I am a talkative person and I was in his office almost all day. They on a couple occasions drove back to the office together from a work related task. She told me that on one of those trips he told her that she needed to be careful or she would get pregnant. Which says to me they had to be talking about sex or a related topic. A coworker told me that my H was checking the OW email and voicemail. She said that they had said it was in case he missed a message of his. POOH! You don't check other peoples mail even if they are your assistant. She knows so much about our family Even things that have happened since she has been gone. And lets just say they didn't have an affair, you know she would have called him after I approached her just to say what in the world is going on. He swears he hasn't talked to her at all. Whatever!

Most of his evenings are accounted for. There are some times during the early afternoon that I am not always sure about. We have a son away at school and he has been encouraging me to go visit him quite often. He normally does not like to be alone. He tells me I can leave the older girls with him if I like. They are 15 and 13 so not a threat.

Well, they always lie. An emotional affair can be just as bad as a physical affair. It sounds like that may be what it is.

It probably started out innocently enough. Maybe she was telling him about her problems with her boyfriend.

But whatever it is, the answer is Plan A.

Give this some time, before deciding whether to alert her BF. See if it continues after she has the baby.

He has blown up at me a few times when I have questioned him and say he is not having an affair with this girl and will tell me when he can who it is. Then later he says he just says that to get me to be quite. The interesting thing about that is the other night when he said that he was trying to argue and i just went in another room turned out the light and closed the door he came in and stirred it all up again and that is when he said it was someone else.

Thank you so much for talking to me about this. I have needed to talk to someone.

Sounds like it is her. He wants to protect her by throwing you off the track.

Do you think you can stay calm enough to do a good Plan A? You only have to do it for around 3 months, then if things are still bad, you can move to Plan B.

You can have a lot of hope, because usually they end up back with their spouse. It is just very miserable in the meantime.

I know exactly how it started. She comes from a difficult background and he told me she was such a hard worker and so determined to make things better for herself. etc. She shared everything with him and looked up to him. He is very successful and she had access to records showing his income. I know she had many motives for getting so involved. One of reasons I think it may have turned physical is because of things he said during intimate times, he also on occ. would not want to be with me etc. This has NEVER been the case.

I know I can do it. Some days are just awful. I just don't even want to face the day. Other days I am so angry I just want to scream. He told me a few days ago when we had the argument that he would choose someone more attractive than this girl. What do you make of that comment?

Okay, maybe it was physical. But since she is pregnant, she must also be with her BF. YUCK.

Many men have admiration as one of their biggest needs. You can try to meet that need by finding something to admire about him. I know it will be hard right now.

I know it is very yuck. and the other thing is that during this time her boyfriend cheated on her. This means he was probably with someone else then her with my H then him with me.YUCK!!!!!!!!!! Some how I believe they may have had oral sex rather than intercourse. I am not sure but just have that feeling. Admiration is one of his biggest needs. We did His Needs Her Needs several years ago when our children were younger. I guess we didn't take it to heart like we should have. We have never had the greatest marriage. He is very controlling and demanding. I think this may be why I am struggling so right now. Oh by the way, the way I finally got him to give me her last name was to tell him I was going to go to every fire station until I found her boyfriend so that I could ask him. he got furious and said her name is ____ and if you call her I will beat the #$%%% out of you ????? I couldn't believe all of this was even happening.

Sometimes I hate him. I need prayers concerning this. When I think about all we have been through.

Wow, has he ever been abusive? And what happened when you did talk to her?

I agree with Believer that you need to do a Plan A. Your relationship with H has some serious issues that need solving. Believer has a lot of experience and he can lead you into a great Plan A.

I am also certain from your posts that your H had too close ties with the OW and MOST LIKELY an EA. It is also possible he had a PA but so far I have not read anything from you that firmly shows that this is the case. You have a big enough problem facing you without it being a PA an I see in your posts that you have already concluded it is a PA.

I encourage you to do some more research before deciding whether it is EA or PA and then the scope of the affair. In many cases that research is not too hard. If he is talking to her on the phone he has to do that somewhere. Get a small voice-activated digital recorder ($40-70) and hide it in a likely spot. Popular places are under the passenger seat in his car, in the pocket behind the drivers seat, in his home-office and so on. If he is talking to her then you will soon find out how often and about what. You can also corroborate the recordings with his bills.

I once posted a problem here and all the advice I got was based on my W having an affair. Yes- we did have problems but after going nearly crazy for a month trying to discover the affair I discovered the true cause and we worked things out. I did all the surveillance; phone bills, gps, money monitoring and voice recording. By knowing the true scope of the problem the actions needed to fix it were clearer.