At this point exposure s/b a requirement. Doesn't matter whether the Ws likes it or not. As for proof, from what you posted the WS and OW have told you, there is an A. EA at minimum PA at worst, definitely an A.

Response to his anger? C/b like this:

WS: if you call her I will beat the #$%%% out of you ?????

BS: If that's what you must do, then I will do what I must.

Key: Don't forwarn too much. Let him wonder what you mean. Expect him to pressure you into giving him details. Know that giving him the details will not help your cause. It will fuel the A. So don't give him details. Instead, spend your time strengthening yourself. See if you can call Steve @ MB. Setup phone counseling sessions. Let him get you a plan for your personal recovery 1st. Call the women's abuse hotline in your area and find out your rights. Talk to a lawyer also. Secure your finances. I suspect the OW say a man w/$$. Expect blackmail to come from the OW. Read the book, love must be tough by Dr. James Dobson. Just get info and keep it in a safe place. Don't use it to threaten the WS. Just keep him wondering.

Pray for a clear mind and a calm heart.

take care,
L.

Thank you so much. It helps just to know there is someone to talk to and get so good advice. I have already been to a lawyer because he called me while I was out of town about a month ago and said that he wanted me to get a job to support myself that he could take care of himself and the kids but wanted me to take care of myself. We are very $ stable. This sounded to me like he my be getting ready to leave me if not physically for sure emotionally. The Lawyer recommended that I try to gather evidence. I am trying now to do that.

He never did anything when I talked to her. He tried to act as if he didn't know and I didn't mention it for a while. The PI that I talked to believes there is someone new but only based on things I say and experience. it is possible but I know he is still talking to the ow.

one of the reasons I think there may have been a pa is because she is a smoker and he hates smoke but on a few occ. we have smelled smoke in his car and on his clothes. I also smelled perfume on his clothes. Sometimes I wonder if the perfume was a for sure thing but it was not his usual col. unless he has more at work that I do not know about. It smelled like a female fragrance.

It is sometimes hard to figure out, but if he is having an affair, it will come out soon enough. They just keep getting more and more stupid.

Were there problems that he complained about before all of this happened?

Julieco,

For me what the PI says is just further confirmation that you need more research.

There is a saying that goes something like “when you hear the beat of hooves you think horses – not zebras”. Sometimes the obvious is not the answer.

The smell of smoke, the “possible” perfume and other things you say about his behavior. OK I hear the beat of hooves. Before getting the saddle I would want to be sure it’s horses. Look like a fool on a zebra.

I also know that once someone has his mind set on a situation people tend to find “proof” to confirm their conclusion. It’s human nature – but can be very counterproductive. Do more research. You can find tips how to on this site or you can get a PI.

Mind you – based on what you say your husband does have issues and those need solving. MB is not only about helping marriages recover from EA and PA but also for issues like you two seem to be facing. It’s just so much easier to deal with issues you know rather than issues you think might be.

Julie, I agree with the others that you need to gather the evidence. And until you have some hard evidence I would withdraw from this cat and mouse game you have been playing with him. He is not going to bust himself so there is no reason to keep accusing and asking. It just makes him move further underground. Get the goods on him and then expose him and confront him. I would ask the PI to get the name and # of the boyfriend and the OW's parents so you can expose to them too.

I actually talked to the PI to decide if I can afford it. I would have to borrow the money and am not sure I want to do That. I am borrowing money for the lawyer. I knew in my mind he wouldn't confess, but I thought maybe he would be sorry and admitt it so that we could move on. He has problems with anger and is very negative. We have fought a lot! I am not trying to place all the blame on him but I will say that the couple of times he has agreed to go to MC things got better. I am so willing no matter what to work this out but I will tell you the more he lies about things the harder it will become. He knows I am a very forgiving person. He just doesn't want things to change right now. I am getting to the point that I am just tired of being alone with him in our house. That is the worst knd of lonley. This affair whether E or P has been going on for 2 years. he has told me in a couple of months things will work our?What does that mean in a couple of months he will leave me? In a couple of months he will be through with her? What?

By the way, I have the BFs number. Cell number that is. The OW has moved in with him but they have an unlisted house number

What I am afraid of is that without further proof contacting OWBF would be counter-productive. From what you say the BF has cheated on OW. OW about to have baby. Man, the BF might just use this chance to dump OW – thereby pushing her closer to your H.

Never forget the true reason for exposure: it is not revenge or not even for the benefit of the OWBF. The only true reason for exposure is to benefit YOUR relationship.

Look into the advice for the digital voice recorder. Can be cheap and can also be sold used after use. Just place it in H car and listen in after a couple of days. It will help you find the scope of the affair.

julie, I would suggest that you call the bf and expose to him, if you have enough intel to do so now. This might very well be the thing that will end the affair.

However, I do think you have a greater chance of saving your marriage if you hire a PI, rather than a lawyer. If you have the truth, you have a chance to save your marriage. Without it, you don't have much hope and things will continue on as they are. Then you really WILL need a laywer.


But somehow you must get the goods and expose to the BF and then any other key targets.

I would emphasize that there are actually TWO reasons to expose an affair to a OP's partner. The first is to effect the end of the affair and the secondary reason is to alert the OPP of the affair so he can protect himself. Having both BS's know about the affair greatly reduces the risk that affair resumes with 2 people watching.

I heard the "things will get better" promise many times. I had no idea my WH was having an affair for months. He seemed to be depressed and withdrawn. I begged him to get counseling and he refused.

Things didn't get better, and I finally found out why - he had OW.

Believer, How did you finally find out? One of the reasons I am afraid to do the voice recorder in his car is because he is very picky about his car and cleans it out a lot and checks under the seat etc. I am so afraid he would find it.

I didn't use any high tech things. My husband was acting so strange and withdrawn, but was very clever. I couldn't figure out how he would have time for an affair.

Turned out he had a cell phone that I knew nothing about. The bill went to his brother's house. So that is how they contacted each other.

He took off work in the middle of the day to meet her in hotel rooms. I never had a clue.

But I finally noticed that everytime he was gone on an "errand", she (our neighbor) was gone too. One day he was out and she came home. About 10 minutes later, he came home. That is when I started suspecting something.

On D-day, we were supposed to go to a wedding. He stayed out the night before, all night. I noticed she was out all night too. When he came home, I asked him where he had been. He said he went camping to "think". I walked out to his truck and there was our tent and 2 sleeping bags.

I still really didn't have proof, but told him to get out.

I have suspected that my husband is with her during the day. I just can't put all the pieces together. And if it is not the ow who is now pregnant I don't have a clue who it could be. How did he hide the phone? the lawyer suggested that he may have a second phone. the kind that you cannot trace but I just don't see how he could hide it and still why would he delete his phone calls. he has never been out all night unless when I was visiting our son. My daughter had to go to the emergency room when we were out of town a month or so ago. We were there all night and he did not check on her the entire night and the next morning I finally got him around 9:00 and he was so angry with me. I knew something was up because that is not like him at all. When I got him He did not even ask about her until I finally could talk and told him I just thought he might want to know what had happened wiht her. This was not like him at all. He normally would have called 100 times if he thought something was wrong with the kids. I believe he had been out that night.

Can you believe that I never saw the phone? I don't know where he hid it. But I knew it was true, because after D-day, I questioned my sister-in-law, and she showed me the bill.

I think my WH started out the affair as just something on the side, but he quickly began loving her. He was extremely careful for months, but then got very careless.

I still think it may be the PG woman. My BIL had an affair with a married woman, and she got PG too. All her kids were teens, and I always thought maybe her husband suspected something and decided a baby would make things better.

Anyway, my BIL had a vasectomy too. But you know he actually went to the doctor to get tested. He hoped that he had fathered the child. How pathetic is that?

Can you believe this crazy world. There is so much yuck! Nothing surprises me anymore. I have thought that maybe he thinks this may be his baby but I can't imagine. He even said to me a few weeks back that he thought we needed another baby and that he thought he still had it in him? i thought you are nuts. Besides, I can't get pregnant. You are a very wise person. I have been reading some of your comments to others. Experience is a great teacher.

Check out Neak's thread called "some things get through the fog". She did a great Plan A.

The funny thing in my situation is that I helped save my sister-in-law's marriage. They were the ideal couple, and had a wonderful life. She was a SAHM, which is what her husband always wanted.

Her husband met someone at work, and suddenly decided he wanted a career woman. This OW was also happily married, but her husband traveled a lot. She just wanted some fun on the side.

Anyway my SIL didn't know what to do. She was afraid to talk to the OW's husband. I called up the OW, and let her know that I would spend the rest of my days trying to contact her husband unless she broke off the affair immediately. She dumped my brother-in-law, and he went back to his wife. They are very happy now.

My FWH kept his secret 'A' cellphone hidden behind his pick up truck's seat where his jack was stowed. found it there. One time it was with a bucket of tools. With one false recovery he got lazy and had left it on the seat.

The OW provided the secret cellphone for him as she and her H were well off. Her H traveled a lot.