I am very much a people person and for very good reasons feel that it is safest for me to find my support and conversation on MB right now. I guess it just helps to feel that people know I am here. I guess I am still a little to needy. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

Wow, LA's comments are always so refreshing.

As long as you see your own need...and fill it, you can't be too needy, Julie.

You are learning to ask respectfully for what you need. That's a great beginning. Not depending on the response..well, that's a bit harder.

I felt in my post disrespectful of your H...claiming his traits like I knew him. Please know that this is from my experience...both as a manipulator and manipulated. My H is equal opportunity. We were tit for tat and quite successfully destructive with it.

Good honesty in your post, too. Best kind.

I'll keep my promise on your thread tomorrow.

LA

Believer...now I got an honesty question for you, and I trust you as one of my heroines...so....

Don't I sound like a one-track, fixated, broken record?

Maybe I do to me...I annoy myself.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

LA

No, LA, you always make sense. You have a real understanding of both sides. That is what is hard for me. I can empathize with the BS, and the FWS, but have trouble with the WS.

Thanks again to believer, and LA for all of your wisdom. LA, I think you do "know" my husband and me which is why I ask for your advice.

Julie...

Don't leave me hanging! I need more...what resonates from my post inside of you? You're here, he ain't. I care about you!!

Please share your thoughts, feelings and beliefs right back, 'k? That's fair, right?

LA


Believer...

Thank you very much for answering my question. Putting my past shame to work has really helped me.

LA

HI!LA, Sorry it took so long for me to get back on. My car broke down, had to be towed, kids etc. Well, I really don't know where to begin. I loved my husband for so many reasons. I will have to admitt when I first saw him I thought he was the cutest thing I had ever seen. He dated someone else at the time and so.....later we began to date. Even then he was controlling in many ways but...love at 20 is blind. we dated until I was 24 and moved away and broke off our relationship due to The emotional abuse I suffered. That lasted for about 6 months during which he made many "changes" and said he needed me desperately. I agreed to date him again. We were shortly after engaged and I told him I needed a year to prayfully consider the engagement. We were living in different states at the time and absence made my heart grow fonder. We had a few sessions of PMC and I was at peace about our relationship and future. Shortly after the marriage the abuse began to worsen. It was emotional, mental and verbal for the first year and then became physical. He very rarely has PAbused me but constant EA, VA. We went through the usual cycles. I very much knew where the pain he had came from because I know his family very well, His dad was abusive etc. I always hoped he was going to get better and I constantly sought MC, or mentors to make the changes I needed to make within myself. I did feel at times that I was healing. Things just began, again, to unravel. this time is was different. I again, began to seek C and look for insight into my responses to our problems. I ended up seeing a C at the Sunshine Center. A center for victims of domestic abuse. I got very good counsel there and began to handle things more appropriately. During this time I began to realize that there was an affair. He admits to it. The abuse however worsens and I just said enough is enough. I just finally realized me staying with him was helping noone. I played a hugh part in all of this. For one thing I hid it way to long. Another was that I would manipulate just as he did. he was much better at it than I but i did my own share of damage. Somehow by the grace of God my mind cleared and I realized my only hope was to divorce him and give him a couple years to make the adjustment needed to give us a healthy safe home for ourselves and our children. My children always saw the PAbuse and along with the other crud it has hurt them deeply. We are all in FamilyC and I know God's mercy and grace reaches us every day. My girls and I are doing well. I am concerned about my son as he is 18 and already struggling within his relationships with problems of abuse.. he will be home in June and will be getting IC. The biggest mistake I made was taking it upon myself to help do what only God can do and that is change another person. I have made a lot of progress but have a ways to go. One of the things that is hurting me now is that one of our very closest friends thinks that I am lying about the abuse. My children saw all of it and at times became part of it by trying to interevene. Why would I lie about something like that. I really loved this person. He was like a brother to me, my husbands close friend but even so Why would he believe I would lie? I know the answer to my own question. It still dosn't ease the pain. I just have to let it go. I agree within myself to walk misunderstood by this person. Wow! Where did all that come from?

Towing sucks. Towing kids might be fun to watch. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Sorry about those inconveniences we experience. No need to apologize to for the time it takes you to post. I'm in no rush...it is all a process. Now, for the dissection :::rubbing my hands together greedily:::

Okay. That's a yucky image. Nevermind.

"I loved my husband for so many reasons." Are you now aware that you choose to love? Your choice?

"Even then he was controlling in many ways but...love at 20 is blind." Here's where I want you to own that your response to his controlling was your choice. Not from blindness or love...but your perspective of life and love as you were taught it. This isn't blaming you...but giving you back your power where you can see it and own it.

"broke off our relationship due to The emotional abuse I suffered." You were at the point you realized what you felt, that you suffered, and took action to protect your boundary, which is that you don't allow others to abuse you.

I have a feeling from the next part, what you did was a manipulation...if you'll change and not hurt me, I'll come back and be with you, without me owning that I know what you're capable of, I have no control over you, nor you me, and you're the problem, I'm not. You couldn't have known then what you are now learning. No blame.

I just need you to be really honest and tell me which one of these was real...boundaries or manipulation.

"and said he needed me desperately." He said he needed...that doesn't mean a thing to you. Understand? His need does not have an influence on your choice. You didn't know that then...find out what it means to you and your choices to be needed desperately. Does it feel like love or need?

"We were shortly after engaged" I'm really picky when trying to get to a new, truthful perspective. Warning: Has been known to drive people nuts. You weren't shortly after engaged...that would be something done to you. You chose to say yes to his proposal. Own it. You go on to say you took a year to prayerfully consider the engagement. Know this was a lie to yourself. See, when you said yes...that's how you choose to be engaged...you said yes. What you are saying is that you said, "Yes, but..." Which would mean you weren't engaged for that year, see?

Telling myself truth may seem picky, but it was the only way to get to training my brain to know I want the truth of me instead of the wishfulness of me. Huge difference. Hard to detect for me. Hope you get this, too.

So tell me the importance of choosing to believe you were engaged for a year when you weren't. Tell me how that fed you, please.

"absence made my heart grow fonder." Another picky point...Love is a choice. Find out why you missed him, how he fed you, why you MADE your heart grow fonder. Point of ownership. Hey, I'm gonna make that an acronym here, 'k? POO.

(Yes, I can see why you might want to slap me for that. It will be hard to do as I'm laughing to hard to be a good target.)

"I was at peace about our relationship and future." You felt peaceful with your choice...why? Because of his actions, changes? Peace comes from within you for you...not dependent on others. Can't be. You can't control them. You can choose peace seperate from others' actions.

"Shortly after the marriage the abuse began to worsen." Become worse or began again? Was there a stop to it for that year and a half? Or can you now look back and see it more clearly than you did then?

Side comment...with all the abbreviations on MB...which include EA for Emotional Affair, seems like using EA or even VA is confusing. Let's stick to the quicker V&E symbol, because there is a truth in it...reminds me of what cops say, "It's a B&E" meaning breaking and entering. Something like that. V&E is instrusive and unwanted. "Code 3 (lights and sirens), V&E in progress,"
feels helpful to me. Especially when it is happening...what a great thing to say as your first boundary enforcement.

"We went through the usual cycles" Find your payoff in those up and down cycles. Find out how the dance benefited you, why you needed it and your part in it, 'k?

"I always hoped he was going to get better and I constantly sought MC, or mentors to make the changes I needed to make within myself." You just said two very contradictory things in the same sentence. A POO moment here. First, you owned that you chose to hope him into changing. Hopeing others isn't respectful. Then you said, no, you recognized that you had your part and asked for help for the reality you'd partly made. One is POO denied; the other is POO with badges. See this? Now, tell me the truth...if you hadn't chosen hope, would you have stayed anyway, without hope? Did the hope get you to get help or did it keep the help you sought from really getting into you...Hope can be real or wishful. Takes a lot of tracking to find out which source (belief) it is that you're using to give yourself hope. If it is wishful, then help won't be able to make a dent in your reality.

IMO.

So I hear you say that you understood his abuse was from his own pain, where it came from. Does that mean you accepted part of the pain you felt because you accepted he was human and struggling? Do you bash yourself for that choice? Your power. You choose. Examine why. And examine if you aided and abetted his V&E because of accepting the pain or his human being status.

"I did feel at times that I was healing." Please explain this one more, when you have time.
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

"Things just began, again, to unravel." POO. Things don't unravel...people do. They choose to...own your parts and choices here...you were used to the cycles...what made this time different, out of pattern, worse?

"began to handle things more appropriately." Did this include respecting each other as seperate, responsible for your own feelings and his were his? Just curious if this is part. You know a lot more than I do. C'mon, share, girl.

"to divorce him and give him a couple years" You just owned your manipulative tendencies in the previous sentence. I'm being picky again, but you choose to stay open to reconciliation based on his change for two years or so. Was it from your code or do you believe you "gave him" something?

"One of the things that is hurting me now is that one of our very closest friends thinks that I am lying about the abuse." This is a natural consequence of hiding the abuse for so long. What do we do with consequences? We accept them. It is all we can do. The pain you are feeling isn't coming from not being believed...but the consequence of lying for years. You are no longer a liar. You are truthful to others and yourself. Get this thoroughly in your head and heart and the pain will go away. You're doing this to yourself because you have hidden beliefs that you are a liar because you lied. Hey, you lied...doesn't make you a liar. You know not to do that again. Also, may indicate some part of you is still telling lies to yourself, ergo, you feel pain. Ferret out these hidden beliefs and concentrate on respecting your friend believes differently than you do, and that's okay.

"Why would I lie about something like that." You lied about it for years by omission. Your pain is coming from you taking on other's opinions as facts. They aren't. You know facts. Believe in yourself and your truth. Agree to respect others AND yourself. Equal parts and measures. People can tell you you're wrong...be right anyway.

"Why would he believe I would lie?" Because he needs to--something in him needs to. Accept you can't change his belief...but he can. Love him anyway.

"I just have to let it go." You're in treacherous territory about what needs letting go and what needs understanding. Letting go isn't possible sometimes. Understanding and acceptance is. Know the difference.

A hurtful remark from a stranger gives us an ouch. No action required to the stranger...we won't see them again; they aren't part of our lives. Action inside of us is...finding out why it hurt, where is the belief behind the pain...what the pain is...anger? Changing our belief because it is unreasonable. Then letting go is possible and needed.

Strive to understand, then make yourself understood. In that order.

That includes understanding yourself. Keeps balance in your standards and boundaries. There is no pain in balance that I have found. Balance is peace.

It came from yourself. Your last line...You're getting there. Allow yourself to see you new each day. Open up to the joy and pain of "getting there" in your life.

It actually hurt inside of me to have a realization (first comes shame from not knowing before) and then joy. I had to let the joy come on in while the shame was blessed and left. Expect you to be amazing down the line.

I believe your whole life was chosen for this purpose. It just took what it took to get you to where you need to be, how you need to look at yourself, and accept that marvelous you. God's journey for you. Your purpose.

You've been fulfilling it your whole life.

Emotions are information about our beliefs. Find them. Share them. Change the ones you formed before you knew what you know now.

I think that's the part that is often missed in all the help you've had...best advice, intention, and what you needed to hear at the time. To get you here. Now you begin the tough stuff.

And yeah, after P V&E...might not seem tough. Be prepared.

(((((((((Julie))))))))))

LA

Thank you so much for your insight. I do know that I am growing but have quiet a ways to go. I see myself at times going back to old patterns. I still get trapped in the "he needs me mess." I am trying to teach my daughters to be complete without someone else and to know that someone who is complete without you is a very good thing. I realize that I very much needed to be needed. Not a good thing. i was a care taker. I had the need as well to be taken care of. I am controlling yet felt the need to be controlled. uck! I grew up next door to an aunt who was abused by her husband. She was considered by others in the family to be very "strong" and loving to have stood by him. I think that is some of what I deal with. I in a twisted sort of way see myself as stong, sacrificial etc, going the extra mile, what ever. i know this is a self serving thought. I do realize the need to understand where this is all coming from. Again, I feel i am making adjustments everyday but still fall into the old mind set.

My husband is trying to stay in the house. I want him to leave as the court order states. He keeps saying all he wants is to be back in the house. He said I will stay away from you.

The point is he is supposed to be out. I want him out. Why then is it so hard for me to say you must go. I talk to him and know that the only reason he wants to come back is for his own convinence. Why then do I feel the guilt of him not being able to come back. I know it is not for love for me. Sometimes I feel guilty for even doing the right thing. I just have to constantly remind myself how we got to this place anyway. I cannot let him come back because of boundaries. I say that I will give it two years but I wonder if that is just because of guilt over the divorce. Will I really want to have a relationship after a couple of years. OK that was not a "living in today" comment. I feel guilt for the divorce because I know it hurts my children, because I promised him forever, because i was part of the problem. I can do it because I know the stress in the family was hurtful to the children and how I dealt with it was inappropriate. God may hate divorce but that doesn't mean He hates me. I did play a role in a failed marriage but I can only be responsible for my part. I can get passed the worry of what others think by realizing that they do not know all things about the relationship and the pain that is there. I will not hide for him any longer but I won't feel that I must make everyone understand. He is telling our close friends that I will do nothing to try and save the marriage. I will not let this get to me as I know I have done everything I could to hold it all together only to realize that letting go of control and being responsible only for myself was the only solution. i will not hold him responsible for my happiness. I am exhausted. More tomorrow

You sound like you are getting healthier and healthier. Your husband is trying to stomp on any boundaries. That is his problem. He may figure out that THIS TIME he needs to change. Let's hope for that.

(((((julieco)))))




There is a court order. Either he obeys it or you call the police to have them assist you in OBEYING the order of the court. I know, it "sounds cold." I'm sorry, but HIS behavior is beyond "cold" to you and is totally wrapped up in his selfishness, his "wanting whatever item 'du jour' he wants at the moment." You have to (even though I know it's emotionally hard to do) "just say "No!"




You answered your own question in the next sentence, but I wanted to let you KNOW that it's okay to feel guilty. We ALL wish things were better and we all "regret," or feel "guilty," at times that the circumstances created by our spouses in their betrayal "force us" to make choices in response (the consequences) that we know are "tough love" types of choices that we wouldn't make if the situation was "normal" and we were being loved and respected in return, instead of being betrayed and manipulated.

Just remember, "guilt" is healthy when it convicts us of sin in OUR lives. It is tool that Satan uses to twist it from it's intended purpose (conviction of sin that leads to repentance) to one that says "you are being 'bad' and should be a doormat, taking all the abuse, or YOU are not a loving person." That's the difference between "healthy" guilt and "unhealthy" guilt.




You already HAVE "let him come back." He is in your house and NOT obeying the court order...and you are allowing it because you "wish he were different and loving you." Julie, I know the feeling, we all know the feeling. It's called "Conflict Avoidance." We, the faithful spouses, are usually very good a avoiding conflict and it's partly to blame for why we have "allowed" such things as Physical, Emotional, and Mental abuse, to say nothing of Adulterous abuse, to occur. BOUNDARIES are those things that we will not ALLOW someone else to do to us. A violation of said boundaries "triggers" a predetermined response from us as a CONSEQUENCE of someone else having NO RESPECT for our boundaries. It IS a "cause and effect" sort of situation, just like gravity. God established gravity and said, essentially, "live in harmony with this boundary and you will live in peace and prosperity. Refuse to honor my boundary, and step off a tall building because that's what YOU want to do, and the consequence of violation my boundary will momentarily become apparant to you AS A RESULT OF YOUR CHOICE, not because I am 'being mean'."



It's okay to establish a time frame. No one can answer your questions definitively. But I'd say that right now it's based in the "hope" that your husband might change. I don't think he will, but God IS capable of changing people and IS in the "people changing business."

But unless your husband were to truly have a "come to Jesus" moment and really repent and surrender to God, I would not look for the situation to be any different in 2 years than it is today. THAT is also God's provision for YOU. That you DON'T have to be unevenly yoked with an unbeliever or with a spouse who engages in regular "marital unfaithfulness."




While I understand your concern for the impact on your children, be sure that they are in church and that they know what God's standards are. They WILL struggle with this anyway, because that is normal for young adults. They quite often "rebel" and want to follow their own emotions under "normal" circumstances of "growing up." So it's important that, while they are young, they are shown that there IS a "God's way" and that "Man" often rebels and chooses sin, but God is always there to help us through the "tough times" we may encounter.

YOU, julie, were NOT "part of the problem. Abuse and Adultery are ALL on your husband's shoulders, not yours. Do NOT do what so many children do, think that THEY are the "cause" for their parents divorce. The SINNING spouse is the one who is "Responsible."



Julie, let's talk about "failed roles" for a minute.
Because YOU are the faithful one, NOT the one who was, and continues to be, a Betrayer. First, of his responsibility to love and obey the commands God has given to Christians. Second, of his responsibility to love and cherish and protect you, AS Christ loves HIS bride, the church. Third, by his Adultery, in direct violation of the seventh Commandment, fourth, in his continuing lies to other in an attempt to MANIPULATE the response HE wants FROM YOU. It has NOTHING to do with him making any changes in himself.

Your husband chooses to lie to others to put himself in a better light. That's more of the same, not change.

Tell the "Friends" the simple truth about the abuse and the adultery. Whether they accept it or not is THEIR problem. But they deserve the truth, if for no other reason than there are always "two sides to every story."

Your concluding paragraph indicates you ARE processing all of this emotional turmoil, and processing it correctly. Keep on "keeping on." It WILL get better. It WILL take a lot of time. But there IS a whole "abuse free" world out there that God has waiting for you, and He WILL walk with and even carry you should your strength wain on occasion.

God bless and hang in there!

FH, Thank you for your comments. They were very helpful. My husband has been out of town for 9 days. I have not been going to the church that we go to as a family. I really felt that I could find somewhere else and that it would be easier than dealing with everything right now. Because he was out of town my girls asked me to go to church at our regular church. I agreed because I felt it was best for them. it was very hard. As hard as I expected it to be. Most people were really kind but I had a couple of our friends who said a couple of cold things. I was ok and really expected it as they do not know the reasons I am doing what I am doing.I will eventually share with them but I am just not ready to do it at this point. I am glad I went but I do think it will be better for me to find somewhere else at least for now. It was a huge thing for me to go. I am glad I did. My children like it there and that is important. When my husband is out of town I will go with them. He will go wih them when he is here on the weekend. I will find a church soon s that I have the support I need.

When H returns...you will enforce the court order, right?

"I talk to him and know that the only reason he wants to come back is for his own convinence." Please don't DJ here...you're better than that.

Guilt, no guilt, shame, no shame...do not stand in the way of the consequences of your H's behavior. That's where you're falling down. Doesn't matter what his actions were that decide yours. You decide. You want to honor him and not prevent consequences, to yourself or others. Growth comes in scratchy, painful packages. Reality's entry way.

"I realize that I very much needed to be needed. Not a good thing." Great realization. Why is it not good? Well, let's ask God...he made you essential, significant, whole, complete...wondefully made...as you are, without taking a single action, right? I find that to be necessary. So, telling yourself that you're only essential when needed by H...isn't that a form of blasphemy?

Consider when you were much younger that you got the message that you weren't any of those things...because someone told you, "If you're not good, you'll go to ******." Well, if someone told you were bad, and you believed it, then you couldn't be good, right? Kinda screwed? So the smart thing to do...I did it...is to put aside that wonderfully made self that somebody thought was bad, and to remake myself into good...sacrificial, generous, a fixer, pleaser, promise keeping machine of goodness.

What did I really do first? I put aside God's creation for one of my own.

Yeah, it is gonna have some major flaws, don't you think?

It did. I was so frustrated tweaking myself...Lincoln knew this the best: You can please some of the people some of the time, but you can't please all the people all of the time. We'd have to become Sybil.

Meanwhile, God's waiting.

Get back to your self, not your false one--the one you made from watching your Aunt's life, all the females in your life, trying to tune, repair and fix yourself...when you were never broken. Bring respect back in fully to your life--Others may not like me, that is their belief. I respect that their belief is not mine. I like me. I love God's creation. All of it. Sing the tune, "Just as I am" a lot. It helps.

Stop adjusting yourself and embrace, is where my wordiness was going. Get that book I advised. You'll get to yourself and have a wonderful homecoming. I believe the Prodigal Son story is also about us to ourselves, forsaking our false one.

Tell us your ENs..all of them and their levels...high, medium, somewhat or not much, 'k?

You are doing great...thank you for being here...and the paragraphs! I love 'em.

LA

LA, Where do I begin? The last couple of days have been very interesting. My H came back in town on Sunday night. He came in and acted as if nothing was going on. He got up went to work and I could tell because he left all his things here etc. that he was planning on staying. I called the lawyer and let him know what was going on. Of course my H did come back last night. I had gone to bed early because I wasn't feeling well but asked him if we could talk for a minute. I told him that he needed to move out. I told him that it was best for all of us and that obviously the courts agreed. He said he had no intentions of going anywhere. He said that I should go and live in the condo in Florida. he said that he purchased it so that i could to and stay down there and that is what I should do. He said that if I had the courts remove him from the home he would never support me or see me again. I asked how he would feel if I said the same things to him. he said well, I would just live with it. I said I guess I will too. Yes, I am going to enforce the court order. I really am disappointed in all this. I guess I had hope in my heart that this may be a time for change for both of us. There has been no change in his behavior. We are still at square one. I hate all this but know that I am doing the right thing. The girls and I went for Counseling today. The C asked them what was their biggest concern. They said Dad moving out. She asked if they were concerned because he was moving out. They said no. We are concerned because he is supposed to move out but refuses to. They said that they knew I was doing what needed to be done and they were frustrated that he would not do what he needed to do. The five year old is crying a lot and not sleeping well. His coming and going is very hard on her. I am waiting to see what the lawyer tells me to do next. It has been quite sometime since we did His Needs/Her Needs. When he called and told me that he no longer wanted to support me I was devasted as one of my EN is Fiancial support. He always said that I should appreciate more that he provided so well. He prided himself in that fact. It truthfully was one of the few needs that he had met. When he said that he no longer wanted to do that I was devastated. For me that is when I really started to move on. Him saying he did not want to support me was like him saying I want a divorce. I knew in my heart then that he was finished with our relationship. I just didn't realize how he was so into having his cake and eating it too. Somehow he thought I would just disappear into thin air. I am just amazed sometime at the things he says. I really do feel that everyday i make progress. I know God is all I need. I know that He made me to worship Him. You are right. I must remember who I am in Christ. The C said a really important thing to my daughters today. She said it is very important that you love your Dad. It is very important that you have a very close relationship to God. The focus of your healing should be on God and your relationship to Him. you do not focus on your relationship to your Dad. You love him. Do not get bogged down in his response to you right now. Love him and stay very close to God. This will help you overcome. She is right. The same is true for me. I can see in many ways were are already making progress. Just pray that the trials we are about to face will not cause us to lose our focus. I am prepared to accept wahtever comes our way. I know God is with me and that whatever happens will first be sifted through His hands of love.

My BIL called yesterday to ask me to give H another chance. I said you know there have been many chances. it has to stop now. I explained that I was doing what was best for us all. He said that H had told him there was not an affair and he believed him. I just said well, I guess the important thing though is what I believe. He saidd this divorce is going to cause so much pain. I told him we were already living in a ******. I said i don't say this to be cruel but my girls and i are healthier emotionally than we hav been in many years. He said well, I feel you are making a big mistake. Again, I said but the important thing is that I do what I feel is best. He knows this is based on me getting counseling, a lawyers advice, the advice from Elders in our church etc. I have not done this on a whelm. I guessed I really hoped that things would be different. The lawyer and counselor helped me to see the need not to file for divorce just to get his attention but to know that when I filed that I had to be ready to divorce. This is the hardest thing that I have ever done but I know it is what I must do. Please pray for us. i know God is my protector and provider. He as NEVER let me down.

Apparently you have trained your husband well. There is a court order against him being there, but he does not feel threatened in the least. I would be quaking in my boots.

He has not made any changes because it hasn't been painful enough for him yet. It sounds like you are doing well and will do what is necessary.

Yes, I will do whatever is necessary, Believer. It is just really scary at times. I know it is all going to work out. I just pray that it will calm down soon.

Today I am really dealing with some strong emotions. I am sososososososoo angry at my husband. I am really tring hard to kept feelings of hate out of my heart. I love him but I HATE what I feel today. My son came home for the weekend. I have not seen him in about a month and he was very ready to come home. My husband decides they should go visit a college in Nashville. I agree that the visit needed to be made but after my husband has spent the last 3 weekends visiting him I really would have expected at least the opportunity to go with my son. NOPE! My husband makes all the plans etc. and off they go. My daughters are really frustrated because my husband has very little involvemnet with them. His loss. He is still in the house and the attorrney has taken the legal step necessary to have him removed. This is really going to get ugly. I am so frustrated. He was leaving this morning and asked for a kiss?????????? WHAT? Does he totally disregard all of my feelings? I know the answer to that question. He told me a couple of days ago that if I enforced the house issue that he wouldd never see, talk or support me again. Oh well, I must do whatever is right and I will suffer the consequences. I believe he will do as he says. My close friends say he is jusst being manipulative. I don't know I think he may just do as he says. I can't control his actions. I must do what is best for the children and myself. He has asked some of his friends to talk to me. he has completely lied to them about so much. I don't even have the energy to try and defend myself anymore. I just hear them out. They don't know everything so I cannot expect them to understand. My lawyer has askedd me not to talk about him to others. When the divorce is over I will answer any questions that anyone has. For now I just have to be misunderstood. I am really, really emotionally exhausted. i still have so far to go.

I think you should change it to: Oh well, I must do whatever is right and HE will suffer the consequences.

With all the talking to his friends, it sounds like HE is getting worried. Looks like you are on the right track to me.

Well, I finally signed the paper work to enforce the court order. He paid the child support due and is moving out tonight. We are out of town so when we return his things will be gone. We will be putting our house up for sell soon. This will be hard for my children but we will make it.

Sounds good. Maybe he will still wake up, especially when you get ready to sell the house. I would hope so.