For those of you who know my story, you know how long it is. WS moved out in june for the third time, and it seems final time. I guess it's a plan B because I haven't had contact with her since then. She moved many miles away to rent a house with OM.

We still have many unresolved issues. Is it now up to me to make contact in an attempt to put closure on our relationship. It's been many months, obviously she must be happy? Does a WS have trouble putting closure on things? Is it usually the BS that gets tired and beaten down enough to end things? Does the WS think they're leaving the door open by not ending things?

I ask myself so many ?s trying to decide what and when the right thing to do is. Yes, I love her very much still, but how long does one hold on waiting for something to happen? Will my WS just wait until I make the move? Is this common in these situations?

Thanks for any help...
Joe

I don't have any answers for you, Joe. Just wanted to say, I know the pain you have been going through and the horrible feelings that go along with the uncertainity of whether there is any hope for the two of you.

It is totally amazing how the w/s thinking patterns are totally out of whack; that is why it is so important that you figure out what is best for you, since your w/s is, clearly, not interested in your welfare but only her interests in keeping the sleazy affair going.

It could be that she is still trying to keep you in her back pocket, in case the o/m doesn't work out.

I would think, your job would be to stir the pot up, and get w/s to get off the fence and commit one way or another.

I am sure one of the veterans here will come up with a plan to do just that.

In the mean time, keep busy making improvements in your life, and plan for your future, with or without your w/s.


Sincerely,


K.D.'s Heartbreak

I suspect it is more that you have two different ideas of closure. She may have no need for something you would call closure, or if she needs closure, it takes a different form than yours. Perhaps to her, never contacting you is closure.

What do you need that you would define as closure? Do you need legal closure, i.e, a divorce so you can move on with a clear conscience? Do you hope for an apology from her? Do you want something to happen so that you'll finally give up hoping that she will come back? "Closure" is a vague term, so it's important to know what it is to you, especially since some things you have control over (you can file for a divorce) and some things you don't (you can't make her admit wrong-doing and apologize to you).

Some short term counseling might help you sort out what you need for closure, especially looking at it in terms of what things you can do irrespective of what your WW decides.



"[H]old[ing] on waiting for something to happen" is not the same as Plan B, or having a plan of any sort. You need to think in terms of how to make plans for your life. That doesn't mean you have to shut her out, by divorcing her and looking for a new love, but it does mean you don't look to her to provide you with closure-you figure it out for yourself.

I suppose to me closure is the day I give up hope that we'll ever be together again. That's final closure. I don't know when that happens, I guess it just does one day. For now I suppose I'm just looking for legal closure and dividing up assetts, so as to have none of these reasons in the future to contact each other. That would be one more step toward getting me closer to losing hope, I suppose, and in turn one step closer to my own closure. Does that make sense? Because , although I fear that day of giving up, I guess I realize that one day it must come. My problem is gaining the strength to push it along, because that seems to be within my power by pushing along the closure of any reason to ever contact each other.

Closure to her might be never contacting me again, but when you own a house together and have legal ties you have to have contact someday. So, is it really closure in her eyes by no contact?

If legal closure is what you are looking for right now, why don't you have your lawyer stir up the pot? What is stopping you?

My heart! Part of me doesn't want to let go. That's why I come here for advice. When your heart and mind aren't in sync you can't make rational decisions, or at least the best decisions for you. I come here for input and the help I need. There's so much experience on these boards. Part of me wants to stir up the pot in hopes of damaging the affair, while part of me wants closure. I'm still stuck after all these months. Just a fool I guess.

As for my life and my plans - it's hard, as you all know here, to plan a future when the one person you want to spend it with is so gone. There's not much meaning or reason I guess it seems. But for the most part I am actually doing quite well. I'm so busy at work and making more $ money than I ever did before. The jobs keep coming in. My social life is very good. There seem to be women interested in me but I lack interest in that right now. I feel it's best to sort out my head first, especially after being in a relationship for 18 years. It's ok to have some me time. I think that might end up being an issue with the A, because jumping into another relationship without actually grieving the loss of the other has got to one day play on the WS's mind and heart, no?

And this week I joined a band. I played keys and sang in a band for 20 years, then gave it up to spend more time at home and settle down. I guess that didn't work out so well..LOL! It's been over 2 years since I played a club, I'm very excited to get back to it and use my time productively. Music is in my blood. I'm nervous, but excited to get back.

Joe,

Haven't seen you post in a while. Can't recall.....where r u at on the exposure part?

L.

Orchid,
I've read so much here and gained a lot from so many of your posts. Thanks.
Exposure? That's funny. I don't mean to be sarcastic. My story is 2 years in the making already. There is no one left to expose to. Everyone knows about this and excepts it now. I'm suppose to move on with my life, according to everyone.

I can't speak for all here, but I assume Melodylane knows my story best. I post far and in between. But she seems to remember everything so well. I have been through 2 or 3 false recoveries by now. I've done both Plan A & B. Now is proving to be the longest Plan B to date. Possibly the one that allows me to move on. It's not the way I wanted this to turn out, though it is seeming to be inevitable. I don't even know how you take a WS back after all I've been through. How many times can you listen to "I don't love you anymore, I'm in love with OM, I don't feel I belong here anymore, blah, blah, blah". You know the drill.

The fact that WS won't contact me to settle matters is the only thing that makes me think that maybe she's still on the fence. And that keeps this small amount of hope in me that won't let my heart completely let go yet. That's why I hesitate to make a move. I want to make the right move when I do. I wish I was a fly on the wall and when things didn't seem so good between WS and OM I would make a move. But it's anyone's guess as to how things are going on that end.

Quick review - Discovery 1-10-04
WS moves to sister's 1-13-04
We start dating in May and in June she tells me she's in love with OM. Gets her own place and abandons me and all responsibilities.
July - Plan B
Sept. - contact made and we start dating again.
Nov. - I find out she's flown off to visit OM again. I call it quits.
Jan '05 WS begs for another chance. I let her move back home under my conditions, which didn't last too long.
June - we take a wonderful trip to an island and when we return she pulls back from me, goes on a business trip (spends weekend with OM) and comes home to leave me yet again.
That was in june. She came here once for some things, while some stuff still remains here. I made it clear I was willing to divide our assetts and move on. Haven't heard a response from her since.
Now what?

Joe,
Thanks for the recap. It helps.

Ok, now some questions 4 u.

1. Does your mind and heart feel in sync or still divided?

2. R U willing to talk to Jennifer or Steve @ MB?

2. Have you checked out your financial options?

3. What r your legal options?

4. Talked with a laywer yet?

What take the D type walk now? Because u need t/b prepared in case you are ready t/d the D.

Whether a WS is on the or not (seems t/b a favorite resting place for those WS types)....the BS must keep moving forward. It is a survival instinct. Taking the D walk doesn't mean D, it means you are exploring your options. Expect the WS to NOT like anything u r doing.

Right now she may see you as her option. If you are ready NOT t/b an option and won't settle for nothing less than #1, then taking the D walk is best.

Taking the D walk is not a threat, it is a calculated step to move forward. Treat it and communicate it as such. How she interprets it is her problem, not yours.

JMHO,
L.

Orchid,
I'll try to answer your questions. But first understand, we are not married. Together 18 years, own a home for 13. I don't know why we never took the leap to marriage. We kind of both got along so well and figured why fix it if it ain't broke. Sort of ironic isn't it? We had a relationship that was envied by everyone we knew. Or so we thought huh? OK, now that's clear.

Legal issues. We own a home together. Strictly a business deal according to my lawyer. Yes I have one. There is no common law in my state. Taking the D walk only means settling matters with the house. And I assume I'm still on her health insurance for the time being, as she said she would let me know when that runs out.
My mind and heart are not in sync, that's why I'm posting. I go crazy some days wondering what to do.

I am d for the most part moving on with my life. Forward as you say. The day I lose all sight of hope still scares me some. That's my problem. So do I hold out a while longer. There are legal reasons why I shouldn't want her name on the house still. And I have researched my option to buy her out. 6 months of no contact, do I now push her to sign over the house? Or do I continue to wait?

Has there been any cases of a WS living with OP for months and then reconciling with theur spouse? Is it possible that she's not really happy and questioning her choices.

Joe, I hate to say it, but I think your best bet is to move on as if this is over. I would return any property you might have and prepare for a life without her. You have tried everything possible and there is simply nothing left do except protect yourself by detaching. At least you can assure yourself with the knowledge that you did everything in your power to save the relationship.

I wish I could be more positive, but when you have done everything possible, the only thing is acceptance. This is where I think you are now, my friend.

For those who are not aware, Joe is not married to his partner, but he has a very long term live in relationship with her.

Mel,
Hello my friend. You may be right, not as positive as I'd like to hear, but right. I suppose I might just be here trying to convince myself to accept things now. I'm struggling as u can see. This really stinks. I'm doing pretty well considering, but it still stinks. The reality that she's never coming back is really setting in. Our minds know it, but our hearts can't believe it.
Hope all well with you.

Joe, I must agree with ML. You need to move on. Often the worst part of life is not reality itself, but our unwillingness to accept it. The sooner you move on, the sooner you can be healed from this crap. I am sorry but after what she has done to you, I do not see why you still want her. She does not give a damn about you and is only concerned about herself. I believe you are better off without her. Come on Joe, do you really want someone like her as your significant other? I know you guys have had a long history together, but some things are just not met to be.

You gave her enough chance to get this right!

Thanks for the advice my friends. It helps to get opinions from the outside in. I really knew what I have to do, but sometimes we need a little support to know we're seeing things clearly. It's hard to see when you're in it, and sometimes I guess we don't want to believe it.

I don't need a 2x4 to hit me in the head. I'll begin writing a letter tonite to finally put an end to this part of my life.

I hope someone here has better luck than me in this struggle.

I'll be as kind as I can and right to the point when handling these matters with WS. Any other last suggestions?

God Bless,
Joe

Keep your letter cordial, sincere and concise.

Keep a copy of it.

Least amount of emotion as possible.

Make mention of what s/b handled via the lawyers. Don't give away your plans, just say what you need to say. Don't give her what she wants...... she is not entitled to that if she abandoned the R.

Be fair and not vengeful.

take care,
L.

Thanks Orchid. I have to go to work now, I didn't think anyone would answer so early on a sunday morn.

It's snowing here in Ct. It looks so peaceful outside.

I will handle this the same way I made it thru the last 2 years, with love, respect and understanding. OK, maybe not so much of the understanding anymore...LOL!

Thanks again for the help

It's 2am here in HI. My son has the flu so I have been up for a while. YUCK!!!

Have a nice day at work?!??!? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> Is that even possible? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

i am gonna try to get some of those 40 winks. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

take care,
L.

Wow! What a time difference! It's 7 am here. Sleep tight. Hope your son feels better.