Cliff,
I see my H doing the same thing, yet he was the one who on D-day said he didn't want us to go back to the way things were before the A, brushing things under the rug, not communicating, and just living the dysfunctional way we were.
However, in order to NOT go back to the way things are that would mean he would have to start talking about things and dealing with issues...etc... But how do you do that when you really would rather NOT talk????
They can not have it both ways!!!! They want to avoid conflict and they want us BS"s to forget what they did and move on from there..... Bullsheeeet !!
I have reminded my H of what he said when he tries to avoid relationship discussions and the like. I tell him that until we are able to learn the new skills in comunicating effectivly with each other and resolve our issues together we will indeed be living like we were before. I make sure to impress that is is BOTH of us that have to talk and learn how to communicate,and open up, not just him.
It is very very awkward sometimes, for us. But I refuse to be the way we were before the A. Thats how we ended up in this mess!!!
I think very carefuly about how to approach him and what andhow to say what I want to say, Making sure I am not LB'ing or rubbing his nose in his "mistakes".
He has finaly told me he hates himself for what he has done and for his other past transgressions toward me and the children. (that was a HUGE step for him to share this with me) So I am understanding of how hard it is for him to have to talk about the A and be reminded of his foolishness, his cruelty, insensitivity etc., etc., etc...
But I have take the lead to start our discussions and carefully try to lead him to open up and talk. Otherwise nothing will happen or change.
I am not a patient person and want to see results right away. I want to forge ahead full steam all the time and fix things now. But I have learned and seen how things have to have time, simmer, and then they grow....
H and I have had some of the best and worst talks in the last 3 months than we ever have in 12 years! Some productive, leading to understanding, full of openess, honesty and understanding I never thought we'd have.
Other times frustrating and disappointing. Leaving me scarred and confused of what is going on.... but that leads to more talking at a later time. We have had time to think, and reapproach the issue and hopefully see the others point of view or feelings.
I tried too, Cliff, to get my H to talk about htings before the A when I couldn't stand how bad things were getting. I was on the brink of having an A myself! I was so scarred of that happening and it was the last thing I wanted! I didn't want anyone but the man I loved and married! When I tried to approach him he shut me out, stronger than ever... but I kept at it, and even though I thought when I finally did get him to talk (before d-day) we were on our way to making things better and I learned later he lied, I still keep trying. I will try however frustrating it can be some days. Because I know I will not give up till I know in my heart I have given and done all I can do in this marriage. Sometimes I wonder if it feels like "chinese water torture" for my H (lol). But he has said he wants to be in this marriage and I quote "not go back to the way things were before".
So, I hope reading my situation and point of view helps you in some way. I think as long as you believe in your W and hold on to your hope and keep the LB's at bay you will get somewhere. Just takes so much time for some of us!!!!
Hang in there,
Be well,
