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Joined: Oct 2001
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And people thought it wouldn't last...well it made it almost 2 years...two years the third of january will or would have been their second anniversary of their affair marriage.

My ds is home now. We are off to get some extension cords, and a cute reindeer for the front yard. Darth dropped son off at the street...he didn't come in, he just stayed in suv and smiled. Wierd.

Son announces they've had all kinds of fun (?) going to movies, getting him g.i. joe's, and playing in the woods and riding four wheelers. And says "we've been staying in the hotel now for two days!"...and then tells me that 1)he will not be seeing FV for a long while or her son or the child and 2)that her son and child will NOT be seeing their mother ...

WTF? Apparently there has been violence in the home and FV has cracked...son said she broke darth's toe..might explain why darth did NOT walk up to the front door today. That she has been going craaaazy yelling all the time, accusing darth of "hanging out with other women" and the like...and my son said that yea, darth has been screaming at FV too.

I am so saddened at this. For their poor child, for her little boy who is a very sweet child, and for the baby...none of these little ones asked to enter into this drama at all. None of them. I really hurt for the baby.

I hurt for her son and the baby...her son will have seen one father, one stepfather, and now will have yet another whenever she begins her hunt again...it's so sad. Son said something about FV going away to a hospital until she's "better" for whatever that means.

And while I can say it's FV who has apparently cracked, it is also apparent to me that Darth is anything but good or whole either. It is so darn sad.

I am going to get together some of my son's baby toys in immaculate condition, some wooden puzzles, and walking toys and give them to darth (will leave them outside) for her...poor little sweet child. It is so sad her parents are two unstable people.

I don't know what's going to happen at all. I do know that my ds will NOT be exposed to any more drama at all! I am all about protecting him again from the monster that is an affair.

Affairs end as dramatically imho, as they begin. They begin for really for the most part, stupid reasons, and they end for either unresolved issues or for other stupid reasons...but either way you get drama in, and drama going.

I did warn FV two years ago that I almost lost it myself when going thru the affair rollercoaster with her, monkeyho, and with my H. That I almost lost it had I not been so darn determined to stay sane and withit b/c my ds deserved nothing less than a mom who WAS sane if he was going to have a WS for a father.

I did warn her. I did. Do I feel sorry for her anymore? No. She hung on as long as she could...for the money.

Do I know if darth is cheating? His behavior is wierd. I think he is honestly unhappy and my sister believes that this is my xh finally showing all the unresolved anger, grief, and pain that has been bottled up in him for three years now exploding out...and that FV sees her money flying out the window and lost it...she banked on my xh and did not further pursue her xbf, the father of her ds, as he's an electrician...and darth is a cfo and can afford all the designer clothes, jewelry, and cars and surgeries she desired.

My family ended for very selfish and stupid reasons that only Darth must deal with now.

It is full circle and terribly sad. I remember when I left and packed my suv full after the last and final d day with darth when he pushed me down so hard. I remember crying as I drove with ds still alseep in his car seat. I remember being bruised, hurt, and torn in so many ways. It was only a few years ago...also at Christmas. Guess this is a big time trigger for me also.

And three years later, my xh is still the same. Angry, spewing anger and unable to come to terms with his heart or the soul left in him. Unable to fix what was wrong in the first place...it was not us..it was not our family that was broken all along. It was darth. He could NOT ask for help...I tried. I tried until I almost lost ME in all of it.

It hurt so much b/c Darth NEVER attempted once to go to a counselor...or to talk to the Harleys...or try anything. He never tried. Our family never stood a chance against this thing called the fog. I did a killer plan A...and when it was time for B, went very dark...followed by plan D.

In the end, there are some who will retreat to the fog no matter what.

I ask all WS here who are reading my words, to please see what has happened to my family. See what happened to my xh and his affair marriage.

I was told all the stuff right outta the WS handbook...

Here are some of the lies..
1)Our marriage never really was. I never loved you really.
2)She is my best friend now (ow)..I AM HAPPIER THAN I HAVE EVER BEEN IN MY LIFE...
3)WE PLANNED THIS BABY. (FV denied that this summer...getting pregnant was something HE did NOT want her to do)
4)She (OW) is MORE of a MOTHER than YOU are peach. (well in terms of procreation and giving birth, she is up on me by one).
5)We never were happy. I have been so unhappy for a long time.
6)You'd BETTER GET USED TO OW...SHE WILL BE AROUND FOR A LIFETIME...(better make that two years of ******)

That is the lies I have been told since their affair marriage began. I knew it would die.

All I want is ds to be out of the way of the line of fire right now.

Please, WS here, please see this destruction and tragedy. Affairs do NOT lead to happiness...they do not CREATE BETTER RELATIONSHIPS EITHER...they create chaos, sadness, grief, and pain. They do not FIX ANY SITUATION..just make day to day reality worse.

I am also asking you, my friends to pray for my xh. He is so lost. He is angry and sad and raging all at the same time. Monday evening he raged at me for the simple reason I went home with ds to my family and he could not be a part of us...raged at me b/c he needed somebody to rage at. I didn't allow it. Until he hits bottom and looks up and finds faith, there is no hope for him.

Please pray for my ds. He has seen so much in the last 3 years. He has seen his parents break up, see his dad basically abandon him emotionally. Had to deal with instand add water stepmom and a stepbrother...and three months after that, have a new baby half sister. He has seen so much in his little sweet life. Please pray my son has peace and stability.

Please pray for the children of FV involved in this. They are sweet and innocent children who did not ask for a WS to be their stepdad and father or an adulteress to be their mother. They did not ask for anything except to be loved and cherished as children should be. Please pray for their safety and well being and for healing.

And please pray for me. I need it. It is so sad and difficult even after just two years. It is like reliving my pain over and over again. My family was ripped apart , and my heart is still healing...still. I sucked up courage and got on with life, but nothing has been easy. Sometimes I think I will just drop from all the pressures on my back that I deal with each day being mom, sole breadwinner, Ms. Fix it, maid, and cook. And on top of that, each day at work, I have to perform at the top of my game...never showing weakness...never giving in when sometimes I want to. It's not easy doing all that and waking up each day at five am...

Just pray ok?

I just looked at my little one. He's smiling at me. We are going to lake lanier island lights tonight. See Santa there..son claims that's the REAL one! He is happy. Content to be home. He doesn't know what is going on. Or maybe he does. All I care is he is happy for the day...for this minute. He is at peace and we are together.


me:37 BS; s:7; xh:38; OW:26;eloped w/OW 1 wk after D: 12/29/03. OC born 3/17/04. Happy! Blessed to be the mother of a wonderful son..great profession..Life's good!
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Peachy,

Just reading this makes me so sad. I am so sorry for what your dear DS has seen and had to live through. He is so lucky to have such a wonderful mother who will always put him first and foremost.

I feel sad for those other two little childre who must now bear the hurt and destruction of their lives as well. The children seem to be the ones who suffer the most.

Makes you wonder will Darth ever realize the destruction he has left behind him as he moves on through life. This man has thrown away everything in life that was important just to follow some sick fantasy. One day this will all catch up to him and when /if he sees what has happened it will be way to late for him. He will have to wallow in his own misery all by himself. The one thing is he has no one to blame but himself.

Peach I can only imagine how this makes you hurt and bring back the pain you felt. I know you will stay strong and move forward with life and not allow Darth to bring you down. Its all just so sad.......

Take Care of DS and yourself and make sure to ask Santa to bring you something nice for Chritmas.....


Hurting


BS (Me)- 47 WH - 46
Married- 24 yrs
3 children 15,19,22
2 grandsons
D-Day- June17, 2005 while I was 1400 miles away
WH living with OW since July 05
WH filed divorce papers Dec. 22, 05
Divorced granted June 28, 06
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Peachy,

This is so sad and especially for all of the children.

I wouldn't even think about "helping" him through this Peachy. I know you care about the baby, but giving the baby more toys isn't going to help the baby. What is your motive for doing that?

Stay away from it Peachy...pray.... and keep DS away from it as much as possible. Are you considering letting you lawyer know what is going on? Maybe there needs to be an adjustment of visitation, if any right now. Until a more stable enviroment can be established for DS while with darth. I mean did he really need to tell DS that FV broke his toe? I mean the whole sitch is so sick sick sick.

Do I know if darth is cheating? His behavior is wierd. I think he is honestly unhappy and my sister believes that this is my xh finally showing all the unresolved anger, grief, and pain that has been bottled up in him for three years now exploding out...
I can't seem to shake the thought that things have worsened
since you told darth you have a boyfriend. His reactions have been to say the least....weird. Becareful, darth may want your shoulder to cry on.

There were many other thoughts that I had about this, but I got distracted w/ cooking, so I'll have to wait until they come back.

Lady

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thanks lady and hurting!

We're off to santa.

And I am gonna stay away from it. Darth can cry on the 21 year old's shoulders...I am done. I don't have room in my life for an xWS or lies or deceit anymore. Nope. I am all about helping ds and myself keep moving ahead.

Even changed my quote...I love Green Day but alas, I don't see quite eye to eye with their politics...but feel as they do as I don't want to go along with darth's or any WS lies anymore! And yes, it is the dawning of my new life and I am gonna seize it...


me:37 BS; s:7; xh:38; OW:26;eloped w/OW 1 wk after D: 12/29/03. OC born 3/17/04. Happy! Blessed to be the mother of a wonderful son..great profession..Life's good!
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Oh and I am still sad. I will give the toys instead to the home for displaced children/moms who are in dire straits due to domestic violence. About seven miles from here but all worth that drive.

We're gone now.

Yea, I am still sad.

I feel like my marriage meant absolutely NOTHING to that man. Nothing. It was disposable. Replaceable...and not worth a plug nickel to him.


me:37 BS; s:7; xh:38; OW:26;eloped w/OW 1 wk after D: 12/29/03. OC born 3/17/04. Happy! Blessed to be the mother of a wonderful son..great profession..Life's good!
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(((Peachy and son)))

I just hate this for your family. I wish my WH could read this, it is all just so STUPID!! All these kids being put through this crap for nothing. I hope you and DS have a lovely weekend.

I was wondering, has Darth ever given you anything like a reason or an apology or anything that makes you feel any better? I can see my future in your sitch and wonder how you deal with knowing that your life was trashed for somethig so insane.


Me-41 BS (FWS)
DH-41 WS (FBS)
2DD's- 10 and 12
Married 15 years
Separated for 2 years after my A
Reconciled for 1 year before his A
D-day for his A 8/23/05
WH moved out 9/16/05
Divorce final 1/23/07
Affair ended or month or so later
My Story
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Peachy....Have a good time with DS <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />


I see blessings, blessings, blessings raining down upon you. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Lady

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We had a great time. DS loved it and so did I. We had a wonderful evening just the 2 of us.

Thanks lady for the sweet words. I prayed tonight on way home...drive is about thirty minutes. I prayed that this would be last Christmas I carried this burden on my back...this pain anymore. Asked my Creator to lift it. Lift it off. Tonight they had a new addition to the lights..a living nativity...it almost made me cry it was so beautiful. My little one stared with eyes wide. He loved it. It made him think. And me too.

And to answer you Jean, no my xh has never really apologized for anything. He has said once, when he broke news to me of the OC soon to be born, when he finally admitted she was pregnant (he had remarried a month earlier) and I was at his office...He said that he was sorry for things (best it ever was at apology) but this is how things are and that he can't change it...that is what he said. I broke down in tears in his office. I yelled at him for being stupid...for not wearing protection. That if he really wanted to be free and single, then WHY was he not at least wearing a condom or making sure OW was on pill? That a guy wanting to date around doesn't do this kinda stuff...He yelled back at me. Then I begged him to NOT name the baby the name I picked out for ds, had he been a girl...he said name of baby...Name was the same name i picked out. I begged him to change it. He said they'd discussed it. Then he said he was sorry for things again...And he had tears in his eyes as he said "I will always love you Peach. I will always. Things have to be like this. THis is what happened."

I just remember standing there, not really at that moment crying, just tears dripping down my face looking at him..

And my mind flashes back to the day when we did ds exchange for custody two and a half months later...he kept putting his hand in his pockets...he did NOT want me to see the wristband from the hospital. He did not want me to see that. I of course am in the medical field and saw the end of it sticking out of his pocket and called him on it. I said "well congratulations dad. Be good to her". That is all I said. He did not mention it at all. He looked down...he looked away. He was ashamed. Not of the baby, but of all the circumstance.

Nothing has ever made a damn bit of sense at all. Nothing. There is nothing that was wrong with our marriage that could not be fixed by a few counseling sessions. Nothing was truly bad. Had it been bad, I would NOT have been trying to get pregnant again. We both wanted another child...and when the cheating began with monkey and FV, I felt as thought the rug was pulled out from under me.

And yes, FV knows that during my early days during separation, I miscarried. I even told her. I remember that day well. XH came home. He walked into entertainment room. I was laying on couch covered up in early fall. I was cramping like never before. Had been delaing with that all week...He walked in the house after being gone for over a week..at his new bachelor pad shacking up...and asked me "why are you laying like that on the couch...are you sick or something?" I remember that. I remember crying...

Nothing that has happened happened for any normal reason. Not at all.

I see so many here...who post and search for the why. The reasons stated to them by the WS are usually mundane things. Things easily ironed out HAD THEIR WS CHOSEN TO SPEAK TO THE BS IN THE FIRST PLACE! I seriously feel many WS just develop or are prone to having problems with entitlement feelings...that they feel they are deserving of the feelings of an affair and screw the BS.

I don't think many reasons given here are really valid by the WS...I think it is a case of boredom...or of eating vanilla ice cream ...same kind of ice cream for every day in your life..if only they could have one spoonful of rocky road! That is what I believe happens and makes somebody a WS...and then if they get that endorphin high while eating the spoonful of rocky road...they become hooked on the affair. Not the affair partner mind you....just the FEELING the affair releases.

I wish we could develop a way to try to help release the endorphins in the WS...however I think many times the only way to get that release is if the WS has the door shut on them.

I tear up now and then. Usually at holidays. Did much better this year at the lake lanier lights than at previous ones. I did NOT feel this year strangeness at being a single parent in a sea of couples and their kids. We always pick out an ornament...a family ornament. It has been a tradition always with me to pick out an ornament each year, even when I was a single girl, that meant something to me to put on the tree.

Tonight I was looking in the Trim the Tree area at Santa's village. I was looking high and low for the few ornaments that depict a single parent and a child. I am looking all around. An older woman sees me, and says "I see one for you. It's really cute." It is for a single parent. Mom snowman is putting cap on a little boy snowman. She smiles at me. I say thank you. That point almost made me tear up. The lady knew it. She said "been there..done that.."

Then we saw Santa. He said a few things that were kinda wierd also. First thing he said to my son was that he had been a really good boy this year. But that his toy room was a total mess (which it is actually and is always in disarray it seems) and that if he wanted his presents, he needed to clean it up right away! My sons' eyes were huuuuuuge at this. Then santa looked at me. He saw me standing there...the only sole parent with a child. He then looked at my son, glanced at my ring hand and said "I want you to promise me to do something this year...I need you to really help out your mom around the house. She really needs that and it's what I am asking YOU to do this Christmas and all year ". My son's eyes got wider. He asked Santa how he knew that! Santa said "I just know".

And that's why I once again, for the third Christmas straight, blinked back tears on the drive home after our annual christmas outing. At least it was not a full blown sob this year. Just some lone, stray tears. Just some tears for all the why's that remain forever in my heart.


me:37 BS; s:7; xh:38; OW:26;eloped w/OW 1 wk after D: 12/29/03. OC born 3/17/04. Happy! Blessed to be the mother of a wonderful son..great profession..Life's good!
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forgot to add...ds is always asleep during the ride home..he has never heard nor seen my tears...and this year if he had stayed awake he probably would have never known...I try really hard to not let my son see me down too much or let him see any more things than the ones he is already dealing with with his dad.

darth will be here at lunchtime to pick up ds.

I took 2 tylenol pm's to ease off the edge of the day...Got tree up, ornaments with ds will be put up in morning on tree. We did hang our two special ornaments up on tree as customary...the honor of being "ornaments of the year" I guess...first. mantle is decorated. Looks great. I actually have a light up reindeer (moving) in the front yard. looks great! wreath is on door. And somewhere tonight, my xh is a WS ...again...And his two children, are asleep tonight in their two different houses...

I am getting zzzzz now. Gotta go.


me:37 BS; s:7; xh:38; OW:26;eloped w/OW 1 wk after D: 12/29/03. OC born 3/17/04. Happy! Blessed to be the mother of a wonderful son..great profession..Life's good!
Joined: Jun 2003
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Oh Peachy...this brought tears to my eyes....did you see all the blessings in tonight. The woman picking the ornament. And Santa and all the things he said....I am just in awe of God right now and how much he loves you both!

Love and Huggs,
Lady

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Peachy,

I am sitting here reading your post with tears streaming down my face. I can just feel the pain you must have went through.

I just don't have the words to describe how I feel at this moment reading this.

Just know that I am thinking about you and your DS and praying for peace and happiness in your lives. You are such a wondeful mom and your DS is so lucky to have you ans you him.


Hurting


BS (Me)- 47 WH - 46
Married- 24 yrs
3 children 15,19,22
2 grandsons
D-Day- June17, 2005 while I was 1400 miles away
WH living with OW since July 05
WH filed divorce papers Dec. 22, 05
Divorced granted June 28, 06
Joined: Oct 2001
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It was very very wierd. I must say. It's funny but my son sweart this one santa at lake lanier is the REAL one.

I do see blessings around me. It's amazing how today for one I found out there was 200 more accidentally (did a bit of tweaking to my household budget) bucks in it than I thought! When my car got serviced this morning (was at dealer at eight am), he replaced two tailight bulbs and did NOT charge me for it. Oh and the light above the tag. He said as I was driving out, "Oh...don't worry about paying me for the lights...I forgot to charge you." I tried to pay him, but he said no. Then the events of the evening. God is letting me knew He's still and will always be there.

Oh also forgot to add in the blessings department! My sis called and she said that she and bro in law would buy me a WHOLE NEW WARDROBE next spring (in first of march) if I make my resolution to lose the 15 lbs I am and have been seeming to try to lose for three years. Got some off, but last stuff will NOT budge. I could never afford a new whole wardrobe!

I have also been praying that I find the right one for me. That it comes in good time, that I am able to be emotionally open for that, or if God has another plan for me to be single that I am good with it either way.


me:37 BS; s:7; xh:38; OW:26;eloped w/OW 1 wk after D: 12/29/03. OC born 3/17/04. Happy! Blessed to be the mother of a wonderful son..great profession..Life's good!
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Blessings on you Peachy. I'm glad you had a good day. Send that Santa my way. He seems to give good advice.

Remember about Karma. I think you've been the recipent today.

((((((((((Peachy))))))))))))


Grapes are versatile. Grapes can be sour, sweet, sublime as wine and fabulous even when old and dried out.

Me: BS
XCH: Clueless
2-DS: Bigger than me
1-DD: Now also bigger than me!

5/6: Personally served CH with divorce papers
6/6: CH F? wants to time to see if M can be saved
7/6: FCH reenters our lives to work on marriage but secretly signs papers to start divorce...what's that about?
Mediation set for November
Final dissolution in January 2007.
2008 and beyond: Life goes on...
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Sorry to hear abt how you are still hurting.. I know, it can be hard to see how far they have fallen, even though they are/ were wrong for what they did.

I feel sorry for the poor innocent children. It saddens me to know what OC might/ will face.

Quote
It hurt so much b/c Darth NEVER attempted once to go to a counselor...or to talk to the Harleys...or try anything. He never tried. Our family never stood a chance against this thing called the fog. I did a killer plan A...and when it was time for B, went very dark...followed by plan D.

You might like to know that my WS NEVER attempted to anything either. He just upped and left. I didn't even had a real chance to plan A.. coz he left the home very soon after. I'm already deep into plan B, going into plan D very soon once certain financial matters are settled.

WS also spewed many of the same fogtalk your Darth gave you. Good thing I've visited this board early.. i've learnt, or rather still learning to ignore them all.

Quote
The reasons stated to them by the WS are usually mundane things. Things easily ironed out HAD THEIR WS CHOSEN TO SPEAK TO THE BS IN THE FIRST PLACE! I seriously feel many WS just develop or are prone to having problems with entitlement feelings...that they feel they are deserving of the feelings of an affair and screw the BS.

yes, same here. The reasons WS gave me were so absolutely lame.. you cld cry. He still feels terribly justified to continue his A. I've let him be.

Lately, I've grown a little stronger too. No, I've not stopped feeling sad, but in v small steps, each day, I *KNOW* I can do w/out him. It's liberating and sad at the same time.

I'm glad you are feeling a little better, spending time with DS.. and preparing for Christmas.

Hugs for you

~A

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thanks friends...

ashley, sorry for your family also...adding another to my prayer list.

Just got son back to dad's about 20 min ago. He is indeed separated. darth was outside the townhome (outside of it mind you), standing in front of the navigator (just like my old suv)with what appeared things in it. He was waiting outside and basically after a few nice words between us, he was gone.

Update earlier...I got son ready for darth at 12 noon. About 11 am, got call from FV...knew something was up! and I was right. FV was all nice on the call...asking if DARTH was taking ds to basketball practice. I said that I did not know. She said if he had alredy picked up ds (yea, they are separated...imagine the OW calling ME to again ask whereabouts of her H, my xh?). I tell her I spoke to Darth but would ask Darth when I saw him if he was indeed taking ds to basketball as I was unsure of it. She got off phone quickly. It became immediately clear she was trying to hook back up wtih Darth or get face time in to see him...he IS her only meal ticket. Sad girl.

I am upstairs drying my hair. It's almost noon. ds is in bathtub splashing around beside me. darth is usually late and no call saying he's around the corner or will be there as he usually does.

Instead I hear a voice downstairs...Peachy? Peach? Where are you? Where is ds? It's darth...door was accidentally unlocked and he's inside...he is not going farther than the entry hall though. I tell him taht I am getting ready for the day and getting ds ready. I remind darth of basketball. He immediately asks me for ALL of ds's school shirts. I didn't have any but the short sleeves..had a theory the other day that Fv had most of them and would use them as a point or way to make contact again with darth, who's left her. I am right. Darth says that he has NO shirts of ds...none are in my home either. I toss down all I have, and five pairs of dress pants. He makes some small talk, I am upstairs looking down at him from balcony...He leaves and asks ME to take ds to basketball as he has THINGS TO DO...(pack)...so I take ds.

get call from FV asking if DARTH picked up ds for practice (her son from previous bf is ironically at the same camp for basketball...see? she is tryng to initiate contact as i suspected.) I tell her that darth asked ME to take ds to basketball. She is off phone quickly.

FV and her son who is on the teams did NOT show up at the practice. My instincts tell me she instead went to the townhome...I hope she did NOT expose her poor son or the baby any further to this stuff.

Flash to now...Right as I drive away, darth says tht he will call me later when he can about ds...that he DOES NOT HAVE HIS CELL PHONE AS IT IWAS BROKEN...hmmm...

cell phone broken?

He seems unusually calm lately. almost a little scared if you ask me. and his phone broken? I think that Fv or darth himself broke it.

My son is off with his dad..a WS...and a crazed ow/w is out there too. I do pray that neither get together as I do NOT want my ds in the middle of any of this fallout.

Please pray about it! I think the two year time limit is up on these two. This affair marriage is definitely going down and fastly spiraling downward. wow harley was right when he said that affairs don't usually last two years past light of day.

they are four weeks shy of their second affair marriage anniversary. bleech.

Oh well...no rocks anymore for the golddigger! on and off to another wealthy man I assume?

I do think she is going to force some contact and It bothers me alot...I don't want the kid to see any of it.

I am thinking of sending darth a decent email saying that I will be happy to take ds if he is really busy.

Ironically right now, bf is coming over..he just got in from backpacking with old army buddies. I told him about 20 min. ago on cell that darth and FV had separated and the stuff that happened. He is heading directly over here to see me.

My instincts also tell me that bf has his radar on high right now and is acting wierd. I think he's worried that 1)if I am single and 2) if Darth becomes single, that it could be a bad thing. He has asked me before the following question, "well what would you do if darth say, got a quickie divorce, repented, and went to see a minister and a counselor and tried to get you and ds back? what would you do? are your feelings so dead that it would NOT matter?"

I know that bf is worried sick right now. Doing the old "defending of the turf" stuff that men seem to do.

when I saw darth today, I saw the worry on his face. He wanted out of the parking lot fast...like he was really scared of something..ironically, the whiskers in his goatee were turning grey again. that is his stress singal...he can literally go grey overnight...


me:37 BS; s:7; xh:38; OW:26;eloped w/OW 1 wk after D: 12/29/03. OC born 3/17/04. Happy! Blessed to be the mother of a wonderful son..great profession..Life's good!
Joined: Oct 2001
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bf just left.

I am sitting here thinking about all he said...He is suddenly "you're the woman I want to spend rest of life with..." etc...and is all about us moving forward again.

I do love him. He is somebody that is as comfortable to me as anybody could be...and he knows this. I think he is adorable and cute and we are in the "ws" sense soulmates I think.

He asked me thursday to go to a holiday gathering with a client of his...but I have ds? and he wants to go to the practice party friday night at the country club w/me too...I am getting a babysitter that night for ds. Or maybe I could ask Darth since he is a single dad now???lmao.

D said that darth's drama is no issue of mine. He constantly downplays any involvement of darth in my life...and says "he's just his bio dad..that is all he is"...I say that I worry about ds being with darth..and d goes on (yea, d is his first letter in name..ironic huh?) He brings over very pricey bottle of chardonnay for me. He says I need to destress...that I need a "new life" this next year. And he goes on to talk about life...

I do love him. And I have gotten foggy on occasion. He is easy to do that with. He's adorable really. Smart, funny, witty, educated...and darn attractive with a 3 day overgrowth ...got a cute goatee thing going on since he's been in woods.

I swear, when I do kiss bf, I think that there has been no time since he and I knew each other in college. I always thought he was cute, just that I was taken.

He jokingly said tonight he used to think of me when he heard rem's "superman" song...that it reminded him of me. "If you go a 100000 miles away I'll track you down girl...trust me when I say I know the pathway to your heart."

He said that we need time alone, and with ds. that I should be happy that I have some alone time to work on rel ationship and some time where I can focus totally on ds. That he thinks ds is great...yada yada yada.

why do I disconnect?

I swear this life of mine is wierd.
I have a little buzz from the chardonnay right now. And all I remember is the times when I would be driving to louisiana with darth listening to rem.....


me:37 BS; s:7; xh:38; OW:26;eloped w/OW 1 wk after D: 12/29/03. OC born 3/17/04. Happy! Blessed to be the mother of a wonderful son..great profession..Life's good!
Joined: Oct 2001
Posts: 3,788
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Just downloaded in my state of chardonnay most of my favorite songs, including christmas songs to ipod...

and am now listening to one which reminds me of this infinite seemingly search I am on now...that I never felt I'd ever be in this place...36 and single...song that reminds me of college (where I went) and my friends..and yes, darth..

Texarkana by REM
20,000 miles to an oasis
20,000 years will I burn
20,000 chances I wasted
Waiting for the moment to turn

I would give my life to find it
I would give it all
Catch me if I fall

Walking through the woods I have faced it
Looking for something to learn
30,000 thoughts have replaced it,
Never in my time to return

I would give my life to find it
I would give it all
Catch me if I fall
All alone
Waiting to fall

40,000 stars in the evening
Look at them fall from the sky
40,000 reasons for living
40,000 tears in your eye

I would give my life to find it
I would give it all
Catch me if I fall

__________________________

when are the why's going to make sense? when is this life of mine going to fall into place? I am waiting.


me:37 BS; s:7; xh:38; OW:26;eloped w/OW 1 wk after D: 12/29/03. OC born 3/17/04. Happy! Blessed to be the mother of a wonderful son..great profession..Life's good!
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 3,609
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Peachy,

Just wondering those questions that BF asked you, do you have an answer for them?

I don't know what I would do if I was in your situation. But I do w onder if something like that was to happen to me what would my answers be?

Hurting


BS (Me)- 47 WH - 46
Married- 24 yrs
3 children 15,19,22
2 grandsons
D-Day- June17, 2005 while I was 1400 miles away
WH living with OW since July 05
WH filed divorce papers Dec. 22, 05
Divorced granted June 28, 06
Joined: Oct 2001
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I don't know any answers. sometimes I think I do.

sometimes I do not.

and yes, even if you do love somebody the answers aren't clear.

I think I have just been thru so much.

the time will come if your stbxh doesn't wake up that this will happen.

all my friends and family warned me of this very time. they said that the marriage to fv would NOT last...that it was a pregnancy thing...and that when it fell apart, they prayed I would already be remarried so they would not worry about me.

bf is worried I can tell also. he is afraid of the simple dynamics of the sitch. but darth did so darn much...I'd need a frontal lobotomy to forget all of it.

I love bf. I do. but he cannot walk in my life and try to talk me into pretending that 10 years with darth did NOT exist. or that I don't need to worry about anything...that darth is not a part of my life and I do not need to worry about him ever. I do worry. my ds is involved with his dad...he sees him alot. and it will take a toll on ds.

bf jokingly said tonight "I have not been as involved with you as I should. I am gonna try harder to be there...you need me to be there. I am sorry I've been so busy." he goes on and on.

I almost broke up with him tonight. he didn't know. I get close and swear sometimes I want to run. It is so scary. thinking that you could be with somebody again...forever again...that part of me is not right with that yet. I swore to my Creator I would be with one person...it did not happen...and now I am supposed to start over like it didn't happen?

It's like there was a BC (before crud) and AD (after adultery) with darth...I loved and got along with him so well during the BC part...and then night divided day when it happened...AD part.

BF said tonight that I have to remember the whole picture...and that it was not all good. That I need to know that he is there...and that he is not somebody that changes like the weather...or will change over time. That he's found who he wants...says it's me.

I do love him. I think I do.

But then again, I thought I loved darth a long time ago with all my heart. I could never think of another man after that time...and now here I am...

I swear being a BS is the wierdest place in the world...we move heaven and earth to try to save our marriages and families. We do. And we succeed sometimes. And we fail sometimes. Let me rephrase that...DARTH FAILED> I did not.

I worked so hard to hold nothing together.

And after so many years of knowing one man...one person...I have to rethink my life..my options..and me, the BS is out there single for three years...two legal. You rethink every step you take for fear this same thing befall you again. You allow somebody to get close..and then you want to run away. It is wierd.

All I wanted was a very simple life. To have a family. A close one. Good one. One marriage. Maybe two kids.? Nothing complicated. Now everything is complicated. I can't decide if I can attend an event or plan something with ds unless I consult my visitation calendar. Life is NOT supposed to be this way. Not at all.

And I will NEVER remarry if I think there could ever be a chance of anything shy of forever again.


me:37 BS; s:7; xh:38; OW:26;eloped w/OW 1 wk after D: 12/29/03. OC born 3/17/04. Happy! Blessed to be the mother of a wonderful son..great profession..Life's good!
Joined: Oct 2001
Posts: 3,788
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I think it is like the fear I felt when I dived for the first time. I was terrified. I remember standing at the edge of the back of the boat in the bahamas. I could not find the courage to jump in. Ironically, I was a beginner who took then a resort course in diving...when I went out to take the dive with the beginners, they said NONE of the people in our class showed up...so I got stuck wtih a group of certified divers...REAL divers..and they were going down 20 to 40 feet deeper than I was thinking I'd go for the first time.

Darn this chardonnay...

I shook. I was sooo darn frightened. There was this kind Bahamian lady sitting near the back of the dive boat. She said to me "honey, the first step be the hardest..jump in"..

I feel like I am standing there at the edge of the back of the boat...staring down at the deep blue sea.

D


me:37 BS; s:7; xh:38; OW:26;eloped w/OW 1 wk after D: 12/29/03. OC born 3/17/04. Happy! Blessed to be the mother of a wonderful son..great profession..Life's good!
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