Peachy -

Hi!! Here is one thing that is jumping out at me. The number of times you have written "I do love him." Is it the wine or are you trying to convince yourself of this statement?

or are you just too freakin' scared to let your heart believe totally what your mind wants to deny you of?

There is something going on here......

HUGS!!

Kim

Peachy,

You are in such a difficult postion right now. I fear that postion someday myself.

After all the lies and pain and so much time passes could we or should we even think about having a relationship with them.... I think or a t least now I think if he truely repented and did everything in his power to be the man I loved I would probably try to make it work.

I know Darth has not said anything like that to you but in time I think he will. I think you feel that too. I can see why you would have fear. I also see that even though you have feeling for BF the feeling for your real H are there. It must be a confusing time for you.

I guess for now just pray for peace and God will lead you the right way.... Take Care Peach ....


Hurting

I am so confused.

In the last 3 minutes 3 different voicemails to my cell..

First is the cute resident..He asked my plans for this week..he got called into surgery and was just now leaving emory. he is a keeper by all those who know him and know me...I went out five times with him last year and during previous year..too soon from the divorce from darth though to ever really give him a chance...did the run thing with him.

second call is my bf. He says he is at his office picking up some stuff...that he is thinking of me. wants to know if I want to see walk the line tomorrow night...and maybe go for a margarita. He says he loves me. I don't respond as usual. He knows that I am on that edge I think.

Third call is from Darth. Says ds is doing great...that he found a few longsleeve shirts for ds (they wear school uniforms) and that he's sorry.

This is why my life remains in neutral...why I am afraid to jump. My girlfriends and a student I teach all think that either bf or the cute resident would be somebody they'd marry in a heartbeat. My sis and bro in law are leaning towards bf...but would be amenable to cute resident either...

And YES bf knows I am not at that totally committed phase yet. I am still actually not that cool with calling him my bf either. but he's trying.

when am I ever gonna know? am I ever gonna feel healed enough to take the jump? ever?

it's like when I even hear a decent vmail from darth I get this wierd feeling..a calm. he sounded calm too.
Now I know why the bf is scared.

bf and I have a whole other lifetime ago as friends..that is something I think that makes me feel ok with things. the shared history part...no revision of that history either. no angry stuff...no betrayals...just friends and always in back of minds wishing the other was single at the time...we never were conviently single to be on the same timeframe. but he is like somebody I can't walk away from.

this probably does NOT make any sense.

If you are a Ws out there, think about this.

Think about what will happen when your affair falls apart.

think about your bs. where will they be? will you have regrets about your affair and the marriage being destroyed? if you do think this scenario thru which I am living seems sad or wierd or foreign...or something YOU don't want to ever deal with...then deal with your marriage now..and deal with ending the affair. if not you will face a fate like mine.

Ok peachy, same drill different circumstances. Your mind and heart need t/b in sync. What r u afraid of?

L.

Ok...Orchid if you can call me, please do? My cell will be sent to you asap via your mborchid email addy ok?

Kim...Orchid...Hurting..

what I am scared of in order:
1)pain again
2)ds seeing another divorce in his immediate family again
3)parade of more adults in his little life
4)letting down my defenses and then whammo! it happens again...

I guess it is combo mainly of number 3 and 4 as I will NOT marry if I think that there is a chance of 2 happening again...but I am sooo darn afraid of letting down my defenses...it scares the poo outta me.

Kim you may be right...my heart is at war w/my brain right now.

and yea, I do love bf. He's great. D is...I do love that guy. I could totally almost see...if I squint hard enough...a family portrait with he, me, and ds in it...ds ironically looks more like him than darth...and bf has said that all along.

being a bs..and trying to ever reconcile the part of being in love with somebody other than your former H or W is gotta be the wierdest thing in the world.

email heading 2 ya orchid w/my cell number.

orchid you have my email...on the hot email addy?

anyway...bf just called...he is sweet. He says I need more time and attention...but do I? I don't know darn it.

I don't know anything anymore. I just know that this was darn good chardonnay...

does he love me? I do think so. I think he could be the one. I could say 100 percent without a doubt BEFORE DARTH that he was the one..or if my mind did not have a memory of a before. a during..an after...

This is frightening. I swear it is frightening. Just when you get good at being single...being alone...being good with it...when you are self sufficient and proud of it...that your feelings come back..you begin to feel again..you begin to laugh again..live...and then whammo! you remember you have a heart and a pulse...

I forgot for so long that I had either...

I knew I could love..as I love my ds with all my heart...my family and friends too. but romance for me? totally was outta the question. I think I felt like I was to live in a convent for the rest of my days. I remember entering into plan b...thinking I was to be celibate forever...to be alone forever..that this limbo would last forever.

BF called and said he just heard song from Simple Minds...don't you forget about me. He said that I need to remember who I was when he met me. who he was. how we deep down really always liked the other so very much..and were good friends...and how we always had the pull...but we were unable to do anythinga bout it b/c of our principles...we both were pinned to other people. he said when he had gone out w/me first time, he knew it was it after my d. I was so darn "deer in the headlights" that I barely remember our first date.

he said he's afraid I am gonna run now...again...he asked me to not do it.

he said (and he used a few mild swear words) saying that I should NOT wonder or think about darth...that he forfeited all when he cheated...when he left...that I should (xxxxx) leave it alone..forget it...move ahead. that he thinks about me all the time. That I have no allegiance...not yet. and then said that d(mn it, I should have an allegiance and to bf. he said ds deserves it first, then to bf.

He was insistent, and confident when he said it. He said "Peach, if you aren't gonna be totally confident about this, then I am going to see you all the time so you get confident. so you feel ok. You're smart...why can't you get this? why peach can't you get this?"

I don't get it. why don't I?

Truthtfully peach, I think you still spend too much time worrying and obsessing about Darth. Just my opinion though. You still subconsciously crave this drama with him, yet you don't probably see it or agree.

Dunno what else to say to you. I think your current "boyfriend" is dead in the water, he just doesn't know it yet. You can try and try and try to "convince" yourself otherwise....but that usually doens't work. I hate to say it, but I often wonder if Darth did all of those things you mentioned above (repent, minister, etc..) if you'd take him back. The answer is no where near as "stone cold" as it should be.

Just my .02. I could be wrong.

LemT

did alot of thinking today...and no I would not take him back.

the part of our former marriage...that part that was untouched can never be again. too much happened. too much.

ds was with him today...staying apparently at lakehouse. almost completely built.

yea, he is for sure separated...and I worry I guess about what's gonna be seen by my ds. I thought today about fv's little boy...that poor kid. he has seen his dad come and go..then my xh come and go..and soon a third guy will come and go...the same as my little boy will see... it is so not the way I wanted to have my boy grow up...and the poor little girl.

my feelings are dead for him. i loved my H, but this guy is not that guy. it's the way I feel when I look at my dad's picture...I love my dad. but he's gone (dead) and is not coming back. I now feel same thing about my former marriage lem. I do. and it's a shame. little too late...two years too late.

Peachy -

I think this is just so overwhelming for you right now. There are too many emotions that you are having to deal with. I believe you are doing the right thing by examining your feelings, trying to understand them and deal with them. Rather than blindly jumping into something that is not right for you and DS.

I an only imagine how scary it must feel to want to love again and trust someone completely, but there is some kind of wall that you have to climb to get to that point.

It must be driving you crazy.

Kim

Peachy,
You have had a lot to think through the past few days, and years.

I think the healing is coming to you, and it does take about 2 yrs for most... post divorce. You're almost there....if darth stays away from you, and you hold your ground not seeking his drama, which is hard because DS will tell you everything. He is reaping what he has sown.
Only to sad for the children involved. Praying for them.

Huggs,
Lady

Peach-

Your bf sounds like he has some really nice qualities. However, I think you may want to ask him to back up a little bit. He sounds like he is starting to get almost pushy, albeit in a "nice" way.

I think you are doing a good job of making one decision at a time and not allowing one decision to dictate another decision that should be totally unrelated (i.e., a decision not to be with Darth means a decision to be with bf). This is important because it is an easy, dangerous, and regretful trap to fall into.

Once you fully decide that Darth is not going to be in your future (which seems recent), the "rebound" clock starts ticking. This new "freedom" from having that option hanging over your head will allow you a new outlook on your future. Is it with bf, the cute resident, or someone else who you haven't even met yet? Just relax. You're only 36. You're a good catch. Take a breath. You've got time.

I'll raise my glass of merlot to you tonight. I am more of a "red" man!

SNT

Peach

I have read your whole thread, and it brought tears to my eyes, would have been crying had I not been at work. You have a wonderful way of expressing things.

The one thing that strikes me is that XWH hasn't even mentioned about getting back together or even insinuated it, and you are now second guessing yourself and your life post XWH. Maybe you are getting ready for the 'what if' he does want to give it another go, and want to be prepared for that emotionally, if it happens. The words 'what if' is the big thing here. You can't plan your life around 'what if' sitations! I know this is an emotional time for you, it does all seem pointless doesn't it, the A and all the heartache and for what?

Peach,

If only it were ever that easy. I guess we'll never know how many "potential" WS do just that, because, they don't come here. What we see here are the walking wounded; mostly BS, but sometimes WS who wake up from the FOG too late to save their marriages.

I don't know myself and can't speak for such WS, but it must be really tough to end up alone following the death of the affair that caused the end of your marriage, AND have to own the fact that they (WS) caused it.

Just something to think about.

Thanks guys and girls...I love ya guys...and girls...

Am home tonight. Was going to go out w/gf of mine and her ds who is in my ds's class at school but I cannot (pardon the Bridget Jones reference here and the fact I have recently downed 2 very excellent margaritas here at home)handle the "smug marrieds"...thus, ds and I are home and getting ready to play "scene it harry potter version"..should be awesome fun and since I have had the margaritas, ds has a chance at winning! lmao.

Ds is not to be played lightly though..he is killer at Jr. Monopoly and is pretty much one of those guys w/a photographic memory...

To SNT...your words also made me think. I am without dear BF tonight because of such words...and because of a schism between us...again, I judge words and not actions of folks I am close to...much better watermark I think.

your words to me:
" I think you are doing a good job of making one decision at a time and not allowing one decision to dictate another decision that should be totally unrelated (i.e., a decision not to be with Darth means a decision to be with bf). This is important because it is an easy, dangerous, and regretful trap to fall into"

And yes...I was attempting to do that...that very thing! I felt that maybe somehow the incident of my xh falling was related to my supposed newfound happiness with my bf. It would be a easy and regretful trap to fall into.

Hence I am alone tonight. BF did not in the end, invite me to his clients' dinner yesterday...although I had invited him to my formal dinner/dance at the countryclub yesterday...with my doc friends and a practice I might very well join up with when I get outta masters' school...I ended up working too darn late (we couldn't find a doc yesterday and I had to do too much more...wonder where they were? all at the club!..sorry lem...this happens)so I did not go. Insterad went around corner to hip little sushi joint with ds and had very good bottle of chardonnay (only 2 glasses and took rest home)...we both love sushi.

BF didn't call after party. He did call about 2 yesterday saying that he didn't think our schedules could "mesh" yesterday. Mesh? What in the hades does that mean? Is it supposed to mean he was unavaialbale? or whatever like that? Does it mean I am too much work? Does it mean whatever...what I do get is it meant he was not going w/me last night even though I had already paid a babysitter (she got off really good last night..paid and no gig.)

I am not calling Bf...(maybe that anacronym will change aftertonight...)and darn glad I did not "mesh" (ha ha...I am using bf's lingo..his darn politically correct verbage garbage)in confusing the meltdown of darth with my recent words of bf...again, I am an actions gal, not a words gal.
Not to say that if the right man wrote me a gushy poem or something full of "admiration"..(lmao..think about the thread) that I would rip it up or anything.

I BLOODY WELL DARE ANY MAN TO TRY TO BE MY PERFECT GUY....Why? I am seriously wondering in this tequila haze whether or not in the metro hotlanta area if anybody is decent...male wise...that is single? I have seen little that convinces me of that. The cute resident is on call. He's close. But again, no banana. Maybe it would take something of bibilical proportion? Heck I don't know.

But I do know that red is as good as white...Nothing wrong with being a redman..I am a blancochick.

Especially tonight...glad I am home. Glad that ds and I could have so much fun today...and not worry about what anybody else is doing...or nnot doing..and I am glad I am me. I don't need a guy to define who it is that I am...but it sure would be nice to be able to think there is...a guy cool enough to make me even consider it a teeny little bit...of course, I'd shake my head and go "naaaaaah"...but if a guy could just make me think.00001 percent of it!

Oh well. Gonna go and lose the darn dvd trivia game to ds. I suspect he shall kick my rear. We both love harry potter. he had his little root beer tonight in a frosty mug...he loves that! and mommy had her 2 margaritas...we ate takeout from Chili's...and are settling in for a winter night of nothing but fun...in sweats.

I'd rather take this any day than some stuffy party. And to think I was going to wear my hot outfit from cache last night. Oh well. BF is no longer my bf. Shout that from my suburb rooftop I shall! He is no longer my him-bo! I am holding out for a real guy...

and if he can make excellent margaritas, I'll meet him in vegas! lmao!

Who won?

Ds won! We had a great day together today. Went to new GA aquarium...joined it darn it. It was soooo amazing! We have some awesome creations on this planet...sure do!

Our breath was literally taken away when we saw the 2 whale sharks...ralph and norton...awestruck.

And belugas were adorable!

As we were on the drive down there, got a call from darth...who was wanting to catch up with us at basketball practice...wanted to sit with us and talk about ds and christmas presents. I said we were not going. That we had to do other stuff today...he was nice. Did not fly off handle about it.

IT was totally wierd. Him being nice. No stress. Just decent. And then asking to sit with me somewhere...sit with me? How wierd is that? And talk about Christmas presents and how do we want to do it this year? He gets ds 1/2 of the day and I get ds the other half of day...we switch half's each year...

Guess the hotel living is getting to him. He has NOT asked to be anywehre with me since FV first came on the scene...must mean it's over ??/or something wierd like that. Am staying dark. Emailing him the Christmas list. And we can talk, but I hold darn well to all my boundaries I havej created these last 3 years...

And wouldn't ya know..when it rains it pours...immediately after leaving GA aquarium, get phone call from xbf...from college...one I almost married instead of darth. HE is also darth's arch nemesis. He lives unfortunately back home in TN though. He said he'd called me the night of U2 concert and flew in town. Said he'd tried to reach me over and over and even got a hotel room at nice hotel in my area...but alas, I was on call that weekend...and worked myself silly. I never heard his vmail. He asked if he could fly in town next weekend...see ironically the aquarium, take me to see Christmas lights, go out to dinner, and "do the holidays right"...I jokingly mentioned that Darth was now separated...he kinda sounded mad. He said "well I would definitely keep your front door locked with a man like that roaming about your area."

Have btw declared independence from present bf. He has pulled the "mia" thing again...and it's not good with me. From dodging the party friday night b/c I was sooo tired from working 10.5 hours...he never returned the same favor by asking me to go to his party that same night. And he had an event tonight...and I did NOT hear from him yesterday. He had a history of doing this..the whole MIA issue. He would sometimes just not be there. No explanation really. Just defies logic. And then there's the stuff that I learned here...that when there's an absence..there is a why with it. And it goes back again to trust issues with me. I don't feel I should give my faith or trust away easily. Just when bf earned it, I have to again revoke it. That's been the cycle...we'd get extremely close, he'd commit, we'd give it a go, and suddenly..poof! He'd disappear for say two or three days and then appear back as if nothing happened. I know the atlanta answer to it. He is a guy who's trying to make sure he's got "the right thing"...and testing the waters. But if he's gonna do that, then I should do that also. Except I tell him that I wanted to go slower. He did not. He pressured me in fact to move faster ahead. I always seem to fire warning shots first before I do something...but he does nothing. Just silent. And then I hear from him after the days of absence. Last time he pulled this, I lost it and dumped him after a ten minute tirade on principles, trust, and the importance of faith in a relationship. I am NOT delivering anothe speech like that again...unless I plan to run for congress or something here.

So here I am...having another wonderful midwinters' night with ds. Happy as a clam still. Mildly disconcerted about bf. Bewildered at the request of Darth. And wondering if I should take up my once "the one" up on an offer 10 years too late?

Geez. should've heard the message I got from him friday after the gala he had at his house back home. It was rambling...about 10 min. long. And sent it at two am..I was fast zzzzzzz. Didn't get it till today. From long ramblings about my ds's soccer, to his missing me, to wondering what I am doing for Christmas...could I drive or fly home to TN for it? Could I spend it with ds and him and his family? (incidentally I almost married him...met Darth on rebound from M...then series of sad events unfolded...xbf who was my former best friend in college, moved into same subdivision as Darth and I...his parents are still friends of mine...would have been best in laws in world)and went on from there.

Wierd as my life may seem. I am happy as a clam alone with ds. I could have never imagined that I could end up thirty six years old and single...a single mom with the best son in the world. yea, the sting of seeing intact families at holiday events, or at places like the aquarium is still the only lingering thing that sometimes gets me. Other than that, I am happy period.

We're turning in for the night. It's going to be one helluva week I can tell. Wierd things are brewing here in Atown.

so peach,

Glad to hear you are doing okay and mailing darth a Christmas list instead of talking. Be very, very cautious there. We worry about you, you know?

Anyhoo, xbf, what do you think? It wouldn't hurt to see him and see what is up with that. At least to have closure if nothing else.

As for the other guy, no more lectures on R's, LOL. I think you are right in not continuing anything there. Not good so far, with his silence, and not meshing, etc. You know what you need in a R, and it is not happening with this guy.

You know your aquarium in Atlanta was national news. I wanted to go there and I live in Seattle. Our aquarium here can't seem to get any funding with all the earthquake issues we have here and trying to get the main roads fixed or replaced here. Oh well, maybe someday I can go to Atlanta and see the aquarium for myself. One of my dreams is to see the Georgia coast. Go figure. I saw it in a movie and always have wanted to see it for myself. LOL. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Good luck and God Bless, you are going in the right direction. And don't let darth suck you into his troubles. Not your problem that he doesn't have a home and family at this time. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> Don't forget that. Darth needs to see the consequences for his choices in life.

Love in Christ,
Miss M

DON'T LET DARTH IN!!!!!!!!!!

Thanks Miss M and my old friend Cinderella.

No will NOT let Darth back around period.

And my suspicions about his lifestyle were confirmed about 11 pm last night...I go to zzzz early as I rise at five every workday...bleech.

Cell rings. It is darth. He's calling from FV'S CELL PHONE...oh dear lord...He calls to say that "he's not going to need me to bring ds over to hotel (darth had been insisting that it was fine to bring ds to school for me)and that I could bring ds instead over to the townhome so he could bring ds to school."

Bleech. The affairees are back for round one thousand six hundred thirty seven it seems. And I believe in Lem's post, they truly deserve each other. They cannot "dysfunction" properly without the other one. Just HATE IT DARN IT to see my ds even having to go near them...Just when I think their D will come, and a possible custody change is nearing....oh well..she needs her christmas money fix and wants to move with darth into the big lakehouse.

I just was glad to see some peace. Some decency. I do not want the man back...just want my son to not see people yelling swearing, and the like...in order for me to take him back to court, it will take a good chunk of change. Even if I am to win btw. My attny said a divorce from them would most likely force his skeletons outta closet again and we can get fv in court...again, not gonna happen for a little while at least...and now I am worried about ds again going back to his dads' for visitation again.

I swear it is soooo amazing how the Other Woman/Wife is freaked out by me. Having MY xh call me at 11 pm from HER cellphone...to let me know he's moved back in? Give me a break. It was wierd...but par for course of darth. He says "oh Peach...you sound like you're sleeping...why are you asleep so early?" I say "well darth when you rise at five am for work, you go to bed early"...he said "wow...you do get up early."

I detest those two. I detest their dysfunction..collective dysfunction. I hate my ds will see it this week. DS actually told me yesterday that since he had NOT seen FV in two weeks, he was glad to be rid of her...I have not told ds anything about the affairees anymore. It was only ds' words. He said he was "glad to finally spend time with his dad"...

Probably the "family" thing and christmas is all. I give this a little while longer...and they'll have their...bleech...second un-anniversary of the unholy event.

And as for me, I checked my schedule via email...it's darn packed. I am headed right for another day like friday. And I have NOT heard from the supposed bf..soon to be xbf as of the next call. I am tired. Emotionally, exhausted physically, and basically need a new life or something.

Darn it...guess I should start investing in the lottery or something...only thing I would change is more time with ds...

At least a nutcase xh is on a very short leash by a nutcase OW/W now...no more sniffing around my life.

It's gotta be insane. Being so worried about your life partner that you do not trust .00002 percent of them. KNowing that even the first three months of marriage were unfaithful. KNowing that there has NEVER been a minute of stability or security. I mean...making her H call his XW at 11 pm to say that he's back home? Crazy. Had to post now as I don't think I will be able to let up during workday to get here.

one more time...all together now....BLEECH FOR THIS MONDAY!

Wouldn't you just love to leave a message on her cell phone that says "Darth darling good to hear from you. By the way you left those red silk pj's here. I sent them to the cleaners for you and they're back. Come by whenever. Thanks for reminding me of what a passionate lover you are. See you at our scheduled time to discuss Christmas." Then later leave another one saying that you're sorry that you missed his call again. Then you'd know the real meaning of "freaked." Oh well...it's fun to imagine the reaction...