My husband is still angry at the arguing I did when we were first married two years ago. Although he now says I am behaving exactly as he wanted me to, and we have been completely at peace and harmonious for the last year, he says it is too late and he has decided to divorce me. We spend every day together, we plan and attend events as a couple, he introduces me as his wife...but he says he just can't "forgive and forget" my arguing during the first few weeks of our marriage. He says that he "knows" that if he were to ever move back in, my arguing would resume. The only thing we ever argued about was that he would tell me (seemingly out of the blue) that he knew I thought he was not as smart as me, not as capable, or not as spiritual. Our arguments were my insisting that I wouldn't have married him, after being single all the way to 40 years old, if I hadn't been convinced he was a wonderful, smart, capable man. Eventually, I gave up arguing and learned to show him in actions how devoted I am to him...but he still believes, after spending almost all of our marriage at peace, that it is the separation that has brought us harmony, not my changing how I relate to him. I love my husband so much, and I can't bear the thought of a life without him. I know he's not perfect, but I do believe in him completely. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I am trying to be so loving, but it all just convinces him that the divorce is blessed by God. Has anyone else been through this, from either side? Can anyone help me save my marriage to the love of my life? What am I missing?

Have you discussed seeing a marriage counselor with him?
Is his behavior possibly related to a mid-life crisis?

My husband's reasons for wanting a divorce remind me of what your husband is telling you (however mine is also involved in an emotional affair with another woman, which hopefully is not the case with yours). I'm hopeful that if you address the issues in counseling, like I should have long ago, you won't end up where I am.

I wish I could be more helpful but so far all of my strategies are failing! I just wanted you to know there's someone out here who feels your pain.

[color:"blue"] ab [/color] -


How long has you two been living apart? It sounds like he is having an affair - either emotional or physical. He's in the "cake-eating" phase, wanting to be separated, not take any responsibility for his own actions, but still having some aspects of marriage.

Read up on everything on this site (not just discussion forums). Read up on Plan A & B. Affairs happen to the least suspecting people, but that's what your situation sounds like to me. You'll get great support here.

We were married for 6 weeks before he left the first time, then separated for 1 year, back together for 1 month, separated again, back together for 3 months, then he left for the final time and has been gone for 9 months. It was only during the first 6 weeks of marriage that I ever truly argued; after that, he just kept being convinced no matter what I did or said that I really didn't value him...I guess I must have gone very far into the red on my Love Bank account without ever knowing I was not pleasing him.

I have discussed seeing a marriage counsellor with him. In fact, we went to 2 sessions. When he told the counsellor that he was not willing to do anything at all toward working on our marriage, the counsellor told us he can't see us anymore unless we are both there to try to save our marriage.

I am certain he isn't having an affair, or even considering one. He spends every day with me, and he has always been very chaste and pure (i.e. nothing pre- or extra-marital, no porn, no "easy familiarity" with women, etc.) - it is one of the reasons I married him, because he had excellent self-control and morals that we agreed on. I have a key to his new apartment, and am free to call him or drop by anytime, day or night. He is home whenever he isn't with me at my home - I know because I do drop by frequently.

I am going to just try harder to meet his needs and stop hurting him. The tough part is figuring out HOW I might be hurting him, since I am doing everything I can think of to please him. We absolutely NEVER argue, or have conflict of any type. It is always so sad for me when the night comes to an end and he gets up to drive to his new home. Also, I miss making love with him after a great day together when we are so close and happy.

I asked him this afternoon whether he would be willing to fill out the Emotional Needs Questionnaire and the Love Busters Questionnaire, not to try to get him to do anything for our marriage, but just so I would be able to learn how to be good to him. We discussed the Love Bank, and Love Busters, and I told him I've learned that I was probably doing things to hurt him or not meeting his needs, because of trying to give him what I thought he should need, not what he really did. I apologized and he accepted it. He said he was very interested in Dr. Harley's system and that he'll look over the Questionnaires and maybe fill them out for me if they feel okay to him. I think this is a very positive step!

My husband is a very good man. He is somewhat dominating, judgemental, impatient...but we all are like that until we learn a new and better way. He MEANS to be kind, he tries to be considerate and wonderful and even now he meets so many of my emotional, physical, and practical needs that I am still deeply in love with him and want him back.

I feel more hopeful this evening, because of continuing to read Dr. Harley's concepts, pondering them, and finding ways to apply them. I know that I have the strength, drive, and motivation to focus on making as many deposits in my Love Bank account with my husband as possible, and to eliminate any Love Busters I can identify. I guess, until he actually tells me what they are I can partly guess, partly just work on the most common ones men express.

Wish me luck and success, please, and keep me in your prayers.

In two years you have only been together for 4-5 months?

This is all really encouraging. You're definitely on the right track. You might also want to get yourself a copy of the book called What Works With Men by A. Justin Sterling. It's currently out of print but second-hand copies are available through Amazon.com. It is extremely relevant for women of our generation.

ezeye - Thank you so much for your encouragement. I understand how those of us in the midst of divorce can become somewhat down on love and marriage, but many of us are here because we still believe! Your encouragement makes me feel as if there is another person out there who thinks there is hope, and that helps me fuel my drive to carry on trying. THANK YOU!

I really love Dr. Harley's program. It seems so simple and obvious, once you read it. I am in training to be a Family and Marriage Counsellor, beginning my practicum in the new year, and I am so excited to find this great work of Harley's! I hope to save my own marriage by restoring the love (by meeting as many of my husband's needs as possible and eliminating as many Love Busters as possible), and wouldn't that be a great start to my career as a counsellor! Either way, I'll have much more to offer my clients than I would have had.

I will look for the book by Sterling right away. Thanks again.

I'm kinda wondering what is is you would be trying to save?
Not to say that I don't think you should try (I am pretty iffy in this circumstance though) but why do YOU think you should try?

I am thrilled to hear you're training to be a counsellor because you sound like you'll be so much more positive and effective than the marriage counsellor I've been seeing with my husband. She told us after 2 sessions that she couldn't help us reconcile if only one of us was trying to improve the marriage. That immediately validated my husband's theory that we should divorce, while I thought (and still think): why not help us explore the many approaches available that have worked for so many others rebuilding a relationship, and maybe even guide us as we try one out? If a person is willing to commit to a marriage in the first place, why wouldn't it also make sense to commit to saving it?

So sign me up as your first client please.

ezeye - my understanding of Dr. Harley's program is that it takes ONLY ONE of the spouses to begin the process of saving a marriage. Have you read his article, "How One Spouse Can Lead The Other Back To Intimacy"? It can be found under Basic Concepts, then Three States of Mind in Marriage. I have decided to apply this to my own marriage, and I'll keep you posted! Would you like to do the same, and we can be each other's insight and encouragement buddies?

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I believe that we'll get more out of this discussion forum if we try to avoid posting anything to discourage each other, particularly when someone is feeling hopeful.

I truly appreciate the thought that goes into some of the postings I've read, but I would ask that anyone who thinks my marriage is hopeless or pointless would please remember that I am here looking for INSIGHT and ENCOURAGEMENT, not for discouragement, nor even for someone to take my side over my husband.

I love my husband, and I intend to do whatever it takes to bring him back into this marriage in a way that is ultimately happy and healthy for us both. If you would like to be a part of that process, your responses are welcome.

Thank you for your understanding and support! :-) ablocke

Thanks so much for pointing out the article, I hadn't seen that one. It sums up so clearly much of what I've been reading lately. My efforts so far have been somewhat more neutral than what Dr. Harley proposes because I haven't wanted my husband to think I'm pressuring him or ignoring his "need" to separate from me. After reading the article I think it might be time to subtly increase the LB deposits. I'm wondering though how to balance giving him space while being attentive to his emotional needs. Sometimes it seems like he's resenting me for all the confusion, wishing I'd just let him move on, but I do see it as a way to possibly draw him back into the marriage. Anyway I've got nothing to lose by being nice at this point. We'll see eachother alot this weekend so I'll let you know how it goes.

I'm facing the same balancing act, right now. When I first told my husband about this program, he seemed intrigued and even said he might fill out the Emotional Needs and Love Busters questionnaires for me. However, right afterward, he phoned and said that he thinks we need to see less of each other so he can gain some emotional detachment. He took a few days apart, the first since we separated, but he thanked me repeatedly for understanding his need for it, and he ended up phoning me every day just to check in, make sure I was fine, and share little intimate details about his day. He even showed up at work to give me a hug, one of the days. Last night we went out to see a movie together - he brought a guy friend, but he turned to me throughout the movie to share thoughts and insights. When he dropped me off, he said he might like to come over to use my computer for research this weekend.

I don't want to pressure him when he feels he needs space, even though the thought of him deliberately trying to gain emotional detachment is horrifying to me when I'm trying so hard to regain his love.

On the other hand, it occurs to me that the fact that he feels a need to distance himself when we are getting along so very well is probably that he knows he could fall in love with me again, but fears it would not be safe. In fact, I'm sure he's said something to that effect in the near past.

That shows me that I have not protected him in the way I should have, and now I have to build his trust as I earn back his love, so that he will know that it is going to be safe for him to be vulnerable to me again. It's tricky because I truly don't know what I've done to hurt him...it will be SO GOOD if he will fill out the questionnaires! I guess I have to make it feel very safe for him to do so.

Looking back over that past paragraph, it occurs to me that if I really want to protect him, I shouldn't even try to get him back until I have learned how to protect him from whatever it is I do to hurt him!

So, I guess I'll balance things for now by continuing to make every single interaction pleasant for him, happy, and as intimate as he will let me get away with; at the same time, I'll listen more closely and try to nudge him just a tiny bit to share with me what I've done wrong, or what he needed that he couldn't get with me, or what I do to annoy him.

I'm not going to try to hide the fact that my "agenda" is to win back his love, but maybe it would be a good idea for me to make sure he knows that it is also to learn how I've failed him so that I can learn to treat him only well.

It's tricky to bring the Policy of Joint Agreement in, however, when I can't get an enthusiastic agreement from him about my working on the marriage. Maybe he'll be able to enthusiastically agree that ONLY I have to do the work, while he just gets to enjoy the benefits...? I think that if he'd agree to that, he wouldn't have to feel pressured by my efforts. And when we get to a point where I have so many love units in my account that he starts to really love me again, he'll WANT to do his part. He is an intelligent and curious man; he's bound to sooner or later wonder whether there is anything that I had wanted him to do differently, I think.

eyeye - let me know how your weekend goes with your husband. I wish you happiness and a lovely time together.

Well the weekend was pretty uneventful, mostly just family time with the kids. We're getting along just fine from a safe distance and I'm going out of my way to be sympathetic to my husband's feelings and to do small favors here and there and laugh at his jokes, etc. My basic strategy from here on is to let him feel free to have whatever space he needs for as long as he's in the marriage and to try to reinvent our relationship very gradually.

That was very insightful what you said about your husband and his need to feel safe enough to be vulnerable again. I often forget how sensitive men can be which is probably why I'm in this bad situation. I will have to constantly remind myself to be gentle, no pressure. Like you, I'm not exactly sure what I did to hurt my husband. The reasons why he wants a divorce are quite superficial and I've already addressed many of them but he still wants the divorce. I know I have to introduce a measure of unpredictability into our interactions and take some risks, and hopefully this will make him believe that we will not fall back into our rut. So in a strange way I have to create the illusion of an "unsafe" environment in order for him to feel safe enough to allow himself to re-enter.

You sound like you're on the right track with your husband, but I guess it will probably take time. He seems like he appreciates you and will come around eventually, I really believe that. I got some interesting advice today that may also help in your case. It was to stop any and all talk of improving the relationship because it would come across as an invitation to resume what my husband has made clear he perceives as an impossible situation. He must believe that I have tacitly agreed to end that marriage, and that what he could come home to would be a new beginning. So plan A is underway!

ezeye - I'm finding this forum somewhat anti-marriage and pro-divorce, and I believe I need to move to a more positive forum. I'm going to take a suggestion from one of the members and check out the Emotional Needs forum, where there is more support for marriage building.

I am finding that the strategy you are using with your marriage is working very well with mine, too. I'm trying to make our interactions really nice for us both - not just for him, mind you, but for both of us! It is having the unexpected effect of making me feel much calmer when he is not with me, instead of terribly sad and lonely as I had been feeling. I feel truly hopeful, and it is making the rest of my life that much easier.

I hope to see you sometime over on Emotional Needs. I will remember you and your marriage in my prayers, and I hope to continue comparing stories. :-) ablocke

Hi ablocke. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

May I suggest the General Questions II forum? That is where most people hang out - there's much more traffic there. All of the seasoned MB vets would have a look at your sitch.

This forum really is for people who are divorcing - as the name suggests. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I wouldn't call it anti-marriage exactly - sometimes things cannot be saved, and people in those situations need support too.

All the best.

Alph.

Thanks, Alph! See you in General Questions! :-)

For anyone interested in a good-news update on my situation, go to "First timer... I need advice on starting over with my husband..." in the Emotional Needs forum.

I would send you a link, but I can't seem to figure out how it's done - tips would be welcome!

My marriage has gone from my husband absolutely hating me and "Divorce looming," to the point where he loves me again and, as of last night, has decided that we probably can make it work after all. This time, however, we are not jumping in with both feet but are taking the time to discuss things, negotiate, and make absolutely sure that what we're now doing will remain healthy over a bit of time.

I feel fantastic. I am so glad I found Dr. Harley's program! And now that I'm completing my Marriage and Family Counselling studies, I know that I have something to offer clients that will really work.

ezeye - I hope your story is going as well as mine, but either way, I am very confident that it can, over time.

Happy New Year everyone, and I wish you the restoration of love and happiness in your marriages in 2006!