First off, my thanks go out to whoever reads or comments on this post. Oh and I'm new to the site so I apologize in advance if I'm a bit slow in understanding any input I get.

A little about myself really quickly: I'm not married, only in a happy relationship of several months and am not suspect of any sort of infidelity. I found this site in searching the web trying to understand the issue a little more. I've read through a few posts here, found that this crowd seems to be very well mannered and, unfortunately in some cases, knowledgeable when sharing advice.

I was hoping that some of you would be willing to spare some time to share your thoughts and beliefs on the impact that infidelity has on marriage. I understand that every situation is different, and that the topic I've mentioned is incredibly unfocused. However I've bore witness to a handful or so of cases that differed in many respects: which spouse was involved in the A, how long the couple had been together/married, etc.. Every outcome was different, tailored to the people involved and the situation in question. Some marriages ended, others (seemingly miraculously) were strengthened through the ordeal, and others were and still are left "sitting on the fence" about where to go.

There's enough cases of these events on this forum to fill volumes upon volumes, but sadly I just don't have the time to spare to read and understand each member's experiences. I hope that, without too causing too much of a nuisance to any of you, that at least some of you could answer the call of my naivety on this matter:

In your opinions, what is married life after betrayal? I can only assume that there are tons of "right" answers to this question, countless "healthy ways" to move forward and that there's bound to be a split between BSes and WSes on this one. But with all of the counseling and talking and actions--or inactions--that come after infidelity, what do you believe is, or should be, the final outcome? Is it healing, or an end to trust, or something much more complex?

I'm open to anything that anyone has to say. If you write pages or leave only the title of a book you believe I should read, I'll appreciate every response just the same. If you'd like me to clarify or perhaps focus my question a bit more, I'll be happy to do so.

Thanks in advance to everyone who read all of that (sorry it got so wordy!) and to anyone who jots down anything they'd like to share. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Adam,

Your post sounds more like someone writing a paper or thesis on infidelity vs asking for advice.

This is a marriage building site. You can read the concepts section above, take the emotional needs questionnaire and if you stil want to personally learn more, read Dr Harley's book: His Needs/Her Needs. This book s/b a must read for all couples. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

As to your question, you must realize that M is more than a piece of paper. Just like a home is more than a mortgage deed, a marriage carries, the memories, good times and bad times of a family. When the A invades the family, it is like a home robbery. Often hits unexpectedly to some and then to find out that one of their own has invited such criminal minds into their own homes, creates a violated environment.

Have you ever been robbed? If so, you know that violated feeling. Trust goes out the window. Do you burn the house down? No, one generally takes steps to determine what has been stolen, replace what is needed, file the insurance claim if needed, make repairs and move forward. Dealing with an A takes on a similar aspect.

Without going further, I believe I have given you a start down the learning path. See if you can now relate how the A home invasion is similar to a home robbery and how the recovery of it is related to a personal or M recovery.

Be interested in hearing back from you.

Welcome to MB.

L.

It is simple, when your spouse has an affair, it is like your spouse sticks her hand up your a-hole and reaches all the way up to your heart and then they grab a hold of your heart and pulls it with all their might all the way back through your a-hole and out of your body. Other than that, it is not too bad!

TooSoon

Orchid,

Thanks for your reply. I checked back pretty soon after my posting just for kicks, didn't expect to see a reply so soon.

I understand this is a marriage building site (URL was a pretty decent clue <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> ), but as for something as specific as advice? I'm not about to pry into posts in the more specific posts in the Infidelity section, because I can appreciate the delicate nature of the issues discussed there. Just as I'm sure there are people in this section discussing those very issues, I opted to post here because it's labeled General Questions. What I want to understand seems to fall pretty well within those bounds. I don't mean to offend or speak inappropriately though; if I am I can understand if this thread were left to get buried.

This isn't for an essay or anything, rather it's my legitimate attempt to understand what happens in this situations. I believe that should this issue come into an M, that it is a personal choice of one--or both--of the spouses. That having been said, and stipulating that on my current path I'm headed toward an M at some future date, I guess that this amounts to being better safe than sorry. There's no guarantee that I won't face something like this in the future; any bit of emotional maturity that I can build from just lending an ear to members here is something I can keep in mind when I build my own M. And that was, as my first entry was, mighty wordy. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

I very much appreciate your reply, and I've thoroughly read through it and probably will at least once or twice more. I'll give myself a bit of time to digest it and understand the analogy you've given before I give any feedback though (by that I mean tonight and some of tomorrow morning <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> ). I'll also take a little time tomorrow night to hop on over to the local bookstore and find Dr. Harley's book. Hope to hear from you soon, hopefully at the very least after I come up with my interpretation of your post.

--

TooSoon,

I honestly can't even begin to imagine what it must be like, but I can definitely imagine a lot of hurt having my heart tugged out in that direction. I just wish I could understand how people move on, in any direction, after that much pain. Thank you for sharing, I appreciate it.

Read the Surviving Infidelity FAQ's - they are a good start (linked in my sig below) Also ber Harley's book "Surviving an Affair" That's the bible for this group.