I find myself in the unique situation of caring for a woman who lives hundreds of miles away from me. [She cares for me as well.] We met several months ago (met at a large airport for about an hour) and have communicated with each other ever since by phone and email. It’s safe to say that there is mutual physical attraction; however our care for each other has more to do with personal beliefs and desires. If we lived near each other; there is little doubt in my mind that our relationship would become more.

We’ve discussed our situation at length and our dilemma is basically that it is not reasonable for either of us to move in the foreseeable future. With this knowledge; I find myself holding back my feelings toward her and feel that she’s doing the same. In fact, she continues to date in her home state occasionally, something that I’m encouraging.

Recently though – I’ve been talking to her about coming to visit me. Her fear is that she will develop stronger feelings for me than she already has and if this happens – living so far away from each other would be awful. I shared this belief for a while – however lately I’ve been re-thinking the pros/cons. I’m thinking that we could share (visits) with each other and simply enjoy & be thankful for those times. If our feelings for each other continue to grow; then so be it. We really never know what opportunities may open up for the future as far as where we live. I am not otherwise dating (by choice) as I’ve become very picky in the dating world. This woman is very special to me and I feel that we would have great times together. I also understand her feelings and would never want to force her into this. She says she feels “safe” with me and our relationship as it is; and does not want to lose what we have. However she also says that her feelings are growing and it seems unfair that we live so far apart.

Have any of you been in similar situations and/or would like to share their thoughts on this?

Thanks.

FR

FR,
My question is...what do you have to lose? Nothing really. What does she have to lose?
IMO, you may see each other and spend time together and enjoy it, OR you may find that you don't like each other at all... just with any relationship...
I say go for it. One of you visit the other. You just never know what will happen, when, or why....

[color:"blue"]FR,

I only live 25 miles away from my BF and find it an agony.

When a relationship develops, you might find yourself wanting to share your entire life with someone, and when that someone is not close by then the relationship eventually stagnates and cannot develop fully because of the distance.

You can see from my posts that the amount of time we spend together is not sufficient to maintain good love bank levels and I am often frustrated with him and the entire relationship (which remains very fragile).

V. [/color]

Thanks Drita and V.

So V - are you saying that if you had it to do over again with the knowledge you have now; would you choose then not to be with BF at all? What if he lived 100 miles away? 500 miles?

V,
I'm finding it hard to understand why you are deeming a 25 mile relationship as long distance? That's across town here where I live... Why is it that you can't see each other more often (perhaps I've missed this in previous posts?) but how can you not meet at least half way or something?
FR, I still say go for it. If you guys like each other then you will find a way to make it work.
If you don't like each other then, you have nothing to lose! GO FOR IT!!!
Besides, everyone is different-for example, in V's instance... it's going to be different for everyone!

[color:"blue"]Choosing not to do it all over again is hard when you already have feelings for someone.

You might recall this past summer I ventured back into the dating world a little (ashamedly behind BFs back). I met a sweet man who is also Catholic and could hold a conversation fairly well (although he tends to be more tongue tied face to face than on the phone). He lives about 75 minutes from me. I refused to take him seriously and told him so, because of the distance. I know that he has no plans of moving - his job is there and he has at least 3-6 years before he can retire with pension. He works at the only big company in a fairly remote area so there would be no job for me there. I have a very good job which, in addition to not wanting to uproot my children, keeps me where I am. With the knowledge I have gained dating BF, I would not date someone far away again. I would say that being close enough to drop by often would be the best scenario.

I'll tell you what happens - after the "new" wears off, then it starts to become a hassle to get into the car and drive to see BF. My love bank stays at a low borderline deposit level and I don't even feel like doing the nasty any more.

I get very depressed thinking about how the relationship is really not going anywhere after 18 months.

Part of this, of course, is BFs nature. He lives near the same town where he grew up, has friends that he has had for 20+ years, maintains a friendship with his exWW, has a home with features that would be a huge hassle to recreate in a new home, and in general does not like to let go of anything for any reason.

He has suggested that I could live with him - but that would create a 80 minute work commute for me where now I have a 45 minute commute. If he moved to where I live we would both have a 45 minute commute.

So, FR, if you developed feelings for this woman, who would move? How often would you get to see each other? How long before working every day and commuting over the weekend to visit with her wore you out. Do either of you have children? Because the kids wear me out and also interfere with the amount of alone time I have with BF.

Of course, BF is pretty happy, so maybe you would be also.

V.[/color]

[color:"blue"]Do you hop in your car and drive "across town" every evening? That is a 50 mile round trip. One seventh of a tank of gas or $3.14 depending on gas prices. That is an hour spent on the road after a 10 or 11 hour work day counting the work commute. [/color]



[color:"blue"]We see each other 2 or more times a week including the weekend, but there are weeks when we ONLY see each other on the week end. I have children and they have activities scheduled on Mondays and Thursdays. My oldest has activities on Tuesdays. Wednesday night is our "date night", and then we'll see each other over the weekend. But my oldest works and if I go to pick her up from somewhere I don't turn around and drive back. An extra 200 miles a week on your car is 10,000 miles a year! My commute to work is only 160 miles a week - I double the milage on my car just seeing him a few times a week. And so does he. [/color]


[color:"blue"]You are absolutely correct - everyone is different.

V.[/color]

We all know that they are "possible". Lost Husband is a LDR poster child. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> Sometimes they work out. But sometimes they don't.

One "con" of LDR's, is that even MORE than in-town R's, your imagination fills in the gaps of whatever is missing from the R, and since you never see them, there are more gaps. You feel like you really know the person, and you can feel an intense emotional connection to them, and perhaps you are able to open up and share and connect on many levels, etc etc. But, the reality is, is you are not face-to-face, and not interacting on a day-to-day basis. You really don't know what it's like to spend time together, then there's habits, schedules, moods, etc... all those things you learn when dating. But in LDR, there's even more to leave to the imagination, and more that's "hidden" from each other - good and bad - intentional or not.

Spending some time together will answer some of the questions. You might spend one weekend together, and realize it's very awkward actually being around each other for several hours straight. Or you may like each other more, then you'll need to try it again.

If you don't try meeting for a real date, will you always wonder? Why not try before either of you get involved with someone else? If you don't, will you, or her, or both, pretend to be friends, and harbor deeper feelings? If you meet, and have a wonderful time, and fall in love, the the plans will work themselves out. But, the fantasy in your mind, and in hers, will continue to fester, if you don't let it go, or meet and see what happens in person.

FR,
First, I want to apologize for hijacking....but maybe it will help you get some different perspectives.
I still say go for it. For example, what if you met someone where you live and all of the sudden you were laid off and had to find another job and had to go to another city to do so? There are so many variables here... My reasoning is to just take a chance and see if anything even comes of it. I say that because if it were me, I'd ALWAYS wonder...what if? And I don't like to have that on my heart...to me, life it too short to possibly miss the chance of him (in your case her) being the "one".

V,
Wow, you've thought about this driving thing! I hope I didn't offend you, it feels a little like I did, that wasn't my point. My circumstances are different obviously, but yes, I would TOTALLY jump in my car and use my 1/7 of a tank of gas to go see my man if I wanted to... my car is a car, it's already got lots of miles on it!
But for me, yes, I'd do it! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

I haven't read the other posts on this subject..I just wanted to chime in and give my 2 cents worth...

My Husband and I had a LDR for a LONG time...almost 2 years. It was difficult, but not impossible. It's not something to be taken lightly, as long distance causes lots of problems emotionally....

I found that having an LDR taught me to communicate better. I had no way of telling him how I felt if I didn't verbalize it--there weren't any other cues to use! One thing I can't stress enough--TALK, TALK, TALK. This isn't about how often you'll see each other. You WILL appreciate the times when you're together, but when you're not, an LDR is about discussing your relationship and learning as much as you can about your partner. If you wait until you make it "official", it's too late.

Lucky for us, our relationship is very stable and happy. We really do know each other well. Other people have told me horror stories--you have to really think this out and decide if it's a sacrifice you want to make.

[color:"blue"]Drita at the risk of threadjacking: [/color]
[color:"blue"]I used to think nothing of it until gas prices went up, my ex quit his job and child support went away, and a lot of time had passed and some of the "new" had worn off. There were many times that I drove 25 miles to pick my daughter up from work, dropped her at whatever friend's house she was dying to get to, then 25 miles back out to see my BF.

I started to get really tired - worn out from trying to do too much. With three kids at home, I just personally don't have the energy. Any time without the kids now, I want to collapse, not drive. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

V. [/color]

Hmmmm....not impossible...but challenging.

I am currently in a LDR...my SO lives 500 miles away. We have been in this relationship for nearly two years (with some bumps in the road along the way).

In fact I just returned from a weekend visit where we spent four days hanging out, doing stuff that normal people do in a relationship. She will be visiting me for Christmas, a visit which will last a couple of weeks.

It's just that at the end of my visits to her and hers to me that one of us has to pack up and hit the road for home.

Neither of us have kids, we both have good jobs and can afford the travel (to a point) and she owns her own business so her schedule is a bit more flexible than mine. (so we do have a few advantages.)

There are a few books on the subjects including this one:

"The Long-Distance Relationship Guide: Advice for the Geographically Challenged"

which may make for relevant reading before setting out on an LDR.

The book sums it up in one line:

"HAVING A LONG-DISTANCE RELATIONSHIP (LDR) is about as intuitive as walking up a down escalator . . ."

True, but do relationships need to be intuitive or practical...probably not.

There is also "The Complete Idiot's Guide to Long Distance Relatioships" that may be relevant too....

I am sure there are people who view us both as "Complete Idiot's" for trying to do this <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> but we think it's worth it.

The bottom line is that if you both think it is worth the effort (and there is a lot of effort) then try it....what's the worst that could happen?

Best of luck

E

I would never start a relationship knowing it would be an LDR from day 1. If you have a good relationship and one person MUST move far away, then it can work assuming one person can move closer in some reasonable amount of time.

You know, I really think it depends on what your emotional needs are. If conversation, openess & honesty, admiration and affection rank high, I think you can do it. If sexual fulfillment, and recreational companionship rank really high, I think it will be a challenge. Unless you really enjoy phone sex.

There are some needs that just can't be met over the phone and computer.

What are her top ENs, F?

Wow - answers/opinions vary quite a bit don't they?

A few thoughts:

Drita:
She is afraid of losing the friendship we've developed.


My thinking is similar to yours - however she's had a few bad experiences and I do not want to put pressure on her.

Sunny:
Friend and I do share feelings for each other. If not - this would be a moot point. That's why I asked you if you would do it over again.


Neither of us would have to move - for now. Both of us have kids involved with other parent. And who knows what the future will hold? That's the dilemma - do we allow ourselves to begin spending time together when we can - and be thankful for that time? Or do we play it safe - and remain friends only? ("Friends only" is not meant to be taken lightly. It is what it is!)

Faith:
As does every relationship, no matter the distance!

Your post is well taken.
Yes; I will probably always wonder. I cannot answer if we will always harbor deeper feelings. I do feel that I can remain friends - however we've also talked and understand that if either of us begin a relationship w/someone else - that our "friendship" as it exists will have to change.

Drita:
I'm not likely to get "laid off" as I own my business (although stranger things have happened <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />), however I get your point. I do not share my feelings freely. Friend is aware of my dating sitch since D and knows that I am rather choosy. [Not cocky, just careful]. However friend also knows that I enjoy life and do not like "what-ifs". She, however - at this point in her life is more comfortable with status quo - and not being hurt again. I understand her position, however I don't have to like it. Right - Bud <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />!

aeri:
Precisely my friend's point!


We already communicate very well - and often. I agree that we would appreciate (and enjoy) the times together. She is just uneasy with the thought of a LDR. I'm more like - let's enjoy and be thankful for the times together - and she's like: "I couldn't handle being apart". I understand her point completely.

Elad:
LOL! I've been called a complete idiot before - it doesn't hurt that bad! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> Thanks for the book recommendations. I will pick one up.

Justin
Neither would I. We began our relationship as friends (months ago) and realized recently that there is something special there. If not for the distance - we agree that the relationship would've moved to a different level by now.

Greengables:
Very good info. Honesty and affection are high on her EN list. Openness and admiration on mine. SF is important to both of us however only as much as we can determine w/o having been with each other. (Remember - everyone is different! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />) I feel that in our case - SF would be awesome; because of the other EN's being met so well. Make sense?

Thanks all for your input. Friend and I enjoy a wonderful relationship. It's been a refreshing experience for me and unclouded by physical intimacy. (Which is BIG!) It's too bad about the distance. We'll see what happens!

FR

I have been in a LDR for about 4.5 years. It is not always easy. We have weathered a lot of storms with each other - usually by phone. We have gone as much as 5 months without seeing each other. Every 2-4 months is more typical.

As for the future, he's pretty convinced I am the one. Most days I think he could be the one. I think we both are realistic enough to see the other person's good and bad points.

We both have teenagers. We live in excess of 800 miles apart - it's an almost 24 hour drive so flying is the best answer. I would not ask him to move away from his children who live with their mother in a small town in their home state. I would not move away from my children or move them away from their dad who lives only a few miles from us. So, until one of us gets their children into college, there are no real plans to make. His children are 16 and 13. Mine are 15 and 12.

He would not be eligible for a pension from his employer for another 18 or 19 years. I will be eligible for one in between 5 and 15 years - depending on how decent a pension and insurance I want to have in my 'old age'.

So, we talk only nebulously about the future. We understand that either one of us might find someone as good or better who is far closer. And that, should that happen, it is only fair to let each other go.

In all this time, neither of us has found anyone else and neither one of us is wearing blinders. So, we shall see what we shall see. And it is ok.

Bleubelle, sounds like a good thing for you...sounds healthy and that you've covered the bases...

FR, I think if Friend likes the status quo of her life, this might be perfect for her... she still gets status quo, plus you once in awhile while when time and effort can afford...

It also sounds like since you are picky this might be a good thing for you. You've found someone you like and that's been hard for you. You started out friends, which is a very good way to start. You both sound mature, like you are approaching it like grown-ups.
In my mind I keep going back to "...what if?" and, that in EVERY relationship you are taking a chance. In every relationship you don't know what the future holds, if you will/can make it work. And the time together would be sweet. I think if you can be like Bleubelle and keep the blinders off, going into it knowing you have a lot against you, you might just be looking at the best of both worlds.
That's just me, though. I gotta tell ya, I've had a lot of people that live far away "hit" on me online, and I don't bite, because I want more, closer to me. But if I met someone like you and hit it off, I'd take the chance.
Sounds like she needs time to decide if that's something she wants to get into. Maybe in time all the answers will come...
Like I said though, with kids, jobs, etc, you might have the best of both worlds.

FR,

Personally ,I will not get into a LDR when it comes time for me.I would be sad if I really cared for/loved someone not to be with them as much as we could.I went through this in my own marriage and it was a big part of how my WH became distanced from me emotionally.So I don't want to go through all that again.I am not looking for part time closeness.Phones and e-mails just don't do it for me.Also,I am not moving.I own a beautiful home,have my friends and don't want to uproot my children so the man will have to be nearby.

Also,I have a friend that is in a LDR too.They live a state away from eachother and are actually engaged but it's sort of a strange situation.My friend,I'll call her Lisa,was cheated on by her H and they divorced,very bitterly.He remarried the OW too and they live in town.She has two kids.Her fiance was also cheated on by the W and has two sons.

They see eachother on the weekends,each own their own home,have careers and are involved with their children.But,they will not get together for a very long time)if ever and if it lasts) because neither wants to move or alter their childrens lives.So they live a life of infrequent gatherings and phone calls,etc.I find that sad.It may work for some people sure.But you have to ask yourself if you would be ok with that if you got closer to this woman emotionally.You could be setting yourself up for a painful future.

And like BB said,I would not want to be in a relationship where,although you talk "nebulously" about the future,the possibility of other's becoming involved with the BF/GF of yours becomes reality and then you are passed over.That to me would be painful.One of the saddest things for me was knowing deep down that my marriage could have been so much better had my WH not been away so much.Plus,you have yet to add in SF.That may make everything so much harder to deal with when you part ways each time.

Anyway,you do sound rather confident about how things are now.I hope that works for you.

O

Hubby and I had a long-distance friendship for nine months before we met "for real". We met on a dating site, determined that we had some things in common and that our distance and family situations would make it difficult to consider dating, so we became chat/phone buddies while casually dating other people. We even chose dates for each other off a few different sites. I didn't even know what he looked like back then. It didn't matter.

After our second "for real" meeting, Hubby chose to move to my city so we could date. He had nothing to loose at that time. A year and a half later we were married.

My main comment about LDRs, one that is echoed in a current thread by Symphony of Life in the ENs forum, is summed up by a quote from Ogden Nash:

"The statement is meaningless and the pen cannot speak."

Its easy to get caught up in the words. Its easy to believe something about a person based on what they say. Its something very different to see their choices in action. As SOL has learned, sometimes the real person is very different than the person on the phone and on the Net.

Symphony of Life's Thread

If you consider a long distance relationship, promise yourself this. "Live with" the person for at least a year or two before deciding on marriage. I don't mean to suggest "living in sin". I do suggest that you live in the same city and see how they live, that you share the day-in and day-out realities of their life. Until you know how they respond to all the big and little things, how they act, you don't know the real person.

Prior to meeting Hubby I did have a three month online romance. I met the man "for real" only to discover the man he described was nothing like the man he really was. And he was married. And unemployed. And had a criminal record.

Know their behaviour before you say you know the person.


Mrs. W8ing

I usually don't like to get into LDR. I once dated a man from the next state over. He really liked me and wanted us to start dating exclusively. I had to tell him that although I liked him and he was a very nice man, I just can't get involved with him. He was settled in his town with his business and his son is settled in the school and very active with sports and had his own social life. I knew it was unfair to ask them to uproot. My kids were settled in our city, they've all been born here and raised here and we have families here, I am not willing to uproot my kids either.

Now BF and I have LDR but our sitch is different.

When I left EX, I moved 45 miles east and drive kids to school when I have them, I did not want to disrupt school for kids. BF lives 90 miles west of me, and he owns his own business, he covers a large area for work. So in reality, we both can move and meet in the middle and that will not disrupt kids, me or BF.

So as far as LDR goes, it just depends what we are willing to deal with.