Mr. & Mrs. Spank,

Excellent decision both of you to come here. I just read your posts and the thread and I'm rooting for your marriage. For your monogomous, faithful, one-to-one marriage.

Someone above asked Mrs. Spank if she has told me her emotional needs. I'd have to say yes. Repeatedly. Some were black and white. Others I should have known. I've been a ripe-old-******. Asleep at the wheel. No wonder it's come down to this. I just hope it's not too late to try again to listen. I've got a lot of listening to do.

So, do you believe that your wife's request was, in fact, her wanting you to fight for her?

I'm recalling a story about a man I dated briefly. He was divorced with three kids. He believed that his marriage ended when he discovered his wife was having an online emotional affair. I believe, however, that their marriage broke down earlier, that he was not meeting her emotional needs, and that she reached out to a man on the internet who made her feel loved. When the husband discovered the EA, he insisted that his wife "get it out of her system". He bought his wife a plane ticket so she could go and meet her OM. The husband thought that, just maybe, the OM wouldn't measure up and that the W would come home ready to work on their marriage. Instead, the W came home pregnant. Its just a guess on my part that the W would have preferred to have her H fight for her. W moved many miles away to be with the OM, taking the three kids with her.

When I heard this story I was turned off. If he wouldn't fight for his wife and kids, what would make me think he'd fight for me? He wouldn't.

Chivalry can be a good thing.


Mrs. W8ing

Yes, I'd like to think so. She's been wanting change for some time. It's time.

I have close friends who did/are doing something on the same order as this but only with a little twist...The H asked the wife to sleep with someone else and come back and tell him about it. Somehow, someway he would get his rocks off from this so the W tells me. It eventually turned into them both sleeping with other people and telling details to one another about their conquests. NOW the W is still sleeping with others and rarely telling her husband about them because NOW it upsets him to hear about it while he isn't sleeping with anyone else at all anymore. And the W can't understand why their 12 year marriage is falling apart! UGH! Drives me insane...I have tried sooo hard to get her to come here and see what this is all about and hopefully mend their marriage but she keeps making excuses.

You are both playing with fire...I wish you well

Spankmix,

Just wanted to apologize for blasting you last week. Your question and then your apparent position on the advice you rec'd from others on the forum hit a nerve with me. I am against extra-marital activities completely and have been all my life. Affairs were the death of my parents' marriage, thus my happy childhood.

I wanted to take this time to sincerely apologize for lashing my hurt onto you in your time of need.

I do stand by my earlier statement to continue asking people here...they seem to know their stuff.

Again, sorry. Please forgive? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/teary.gif" alt="" />

Just wanted to let you all know, that I am still reading your posts. I would like to thank 4 or 5 of you for sticking to the topic, listening to and believing the facts and for your thoughtful, supportive and non-judgmental advice. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

As Mrs Spank said, Thanks. We both have appointments for Friday to speak to a professional (separately)... Then together. It's hard to undo so many mistakes from the past.. Certainly. With some guidance, I believe we can overcome the past and look forward to the future. It will take some tackling of difficult subjects, understanding of what we don't understand now and most of all, willingness to meet halfway. Not out of the woods by any means but on the path...

Mr. Spank

The wedding is over. The honeymoon is over. She has her home. She even has her child. Perhaps she picked you because you are a dependable provider—and good father material. These needs are met. Now she wants a lover. And she has let you know that she has a live one on the hook. Will you give her permission to reel him in?

Mothers who feel 'caged in' shop for shoes not extramarital lovers. Women shop for lovers when they are trying to recapture the excitement and perhaps the romance of their pre-lactating selves.

Woe is the husband who does not know how to fill the void. Doomed is the husband who was never really much of an exciting lover to begin with.

Do not mistake her alleged honesty for real intimacy. It is a desperate cry for help. She is begging for the thrill and exhilaration, the ecstasy and adventure of a lover for a husband. You need to find a way to give her some in your marriage.

great post pieta!
boy, do i remember feeling caged in and longing for excitement. i wish someone had given my husband advice like yours.

Hi Mrs. SpankMix...

I commented earlier, so I wanted to follow up.

It's really a short term solution to a long term problem. It wont solve anything, really. You had sex with others before your H... been there, done that, right? Can you see yourself doing this every 5 years to get a fix? See, it really doesnt solve anything, it's just a feel-good band-aid.

As others have said, horrible pain and consequences are about guarenteed. I'm sure you'd both agree afterwards that is really wasnt worth it. An hour vs. a lifetime.

I'm not sure anyone has regretted being faithful. Most regret infidelity. Have you thought about the shoe being on the other foot? What if you (or Mr.S) fell in love with the OP? There's so much more going on here than a sexual fling. I guess that's my real point.

I hope you two find peace with your marriage - Dru

Pieta... that was near poetic.

Mrs. Spank

Have you told your husband what you need? How does he respond?


Mrs. W8ing

she doesn't need to now, thanks to pieta! lol

Quote...
As Mrs Spank said, Thanks. We both have appointments for Friday to speak to a professional (separately)... Then together. It's hard to undo so many mistakes from the past.. Certainly. With some guidance, I believe we can overcome the past and look forward to the future


Good for both of you...This is definitely a step in the right direction. My apology for accusing you of not listening....Down the road when things are resolved and you are back on track, you will feel so much better (both of you) that this affair was not followed through with....

Bill

While it seems everyone is busy persecuting Mr. Spankyman let us not forget one important fact, Mrs. Spanky owns her actions and what she did goes against building a marriage, regardless of circumstances. Clubbing 4 nights a week and making out with another dude is not the answer and shows character defects in itself. Bottom line is you both got issues, neither greater than the other, just different.

I do hope that y’all dedicate yourselves to each other with all you heart, mind, body, and soul.

I don't think either of came here to be persecuted and judged. Only a few posts were without insult and offered friendly and helpful advice. I have personal accountability, hence my choice to come to my husband with this. But you still don't know me and be assured, I don't lack in character.

USA Today article...
Stay honest with your partner. "Honesty is the trump card for preventing affairs," says Peggy Vaughan, who has studied affairs for more than two decades. Her Web site is dearpeggy.com. "Make a commitment to sharing your attractions and temptations."

Hi Mrs SM,

I suspected your honesty was an effort to prevent this affair. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> - Dru

Interesting read...

One of the most damaging effects of believing that most marriages are monogamous is that if an affair happens, it's seen strictly as a personal failure of you, your spouse, and your marriage. This belief (myth) is particularly damaging because it leads to personal blame, personal shame, wounded pride, and almost universal feelings of devastation. (Understanding the prevalence of affairs does not excuse those who have affairs; it just helps relieve the sense of shame and inadequacy felt by their mates.) Since they keep their experience hidden, they seldom get enough perspective to completely recover from these feelings, regardless of whether they stay married or get a divorce. Surviving this experience if it has happened (or avoiding it if it hasn't) is best accomplished by dealing with reality.

Awesome and I never implied otherwise just a friendly reminder to all those posting and yourself that your hubby does take responsibility along with you for letting the marriage to get to the place it got, however, the bar hopping and kissing the other guy is 100% on you.


Again, I never implied you lacked character, I did however state that you have a character flaw unless it is normal for you to make out with men other than your husband and get so carried away with things that you ask your hubby to have sex without another. Now if those things are typically within your character then you have no issues, however if they are not, then there are some things you need to work through, like why were you willing to compromise you standards. I'm not attacking you, we all have defects of character, unless we're dead.


I whole heartidly agree. Obviously how one shares is important. There's a huge difference between saying "He has a cute butt" and "Honey, may I have sex with him". And IMVHO that honesty is best yielded prior to acting out in any manner. Again, not dogging you just stating my opinion.

As I said, I wish the best for y'all.......