My kids spent the weekend with their dad. While I was talking to them last night my eldest told me that their dad's work schedule had changed and he now won't always be there when they are. I finished my conversation with them and then asked to speak to their dad.

When I asked him about it he said it only effects one of his nights per week and he didn't think it was a big deal. I politely told him I disagreed. What happens is that he now will have to go to work at 5:30 p.m. on one of his nights with them. He would leave them with their stepmom for the rest of the night and would return at 6:00 a.m. the following morning to get them ready for school. What he has been doing is going to work at 10:30 p.m. on those nights and returning at 6:00 a.m. I didn't really want this either, but during our last custody mediation was basically told that since they would be doing nothing but sleeping while he was gone, it wasn't a big deal. Now however, he will be gone for 3 to 4 of their waking hours. I say this is a big difference.

He will flip and say I am doing this because their stepmom is the former OW, but this isn't the case. The truth is, is that if they wanted to be there with her I would leave things as is, however, there are ongoing problems between the kids and her due to her ongoing insecurity and the way she handles things. Therefore, if there dad is going to be gone, I want them with me.

I have asked for a copy of his new schedule along with making a date to meet to discuss this further. I would appreciate any suggestions.

Thanks.

Take care and God bless!
K

[color:"blue"]Most custody orders include a clause that is called the "right of first refusal". Meaning that if dad is not present, you have the right to be asked first to take the children and if you refuse then dad can make other plans. ROFR usually includes a time limit. For example, if dad or mom is not with the children for a time period to exceed 2 hours or 4 hours or whatever, then the other parent has the right of first refusal.

If you are going to have to take this to mediation or to court, your best and cheapest bet would be to include a clause for ROFR in order to bypass future problems.

I would also offer that the schedule would return to the way it was if dad's hours changed back - or that a similar block of time be offered at a time when dad could take it.

You should try to think of every scenario and put it in writing clearly stated before you spend the rest of your life in court.

V.[/color]

I have the ROFR and my X ignores the ROFR, and did it yet again yesterday.
You will have to think whether you want the kids more, or if your free time is important to you.
Certain parents don't think about the logistics of things, and how the children would feel in that situation.

Can you trade days to make this work? Or offer him more time in the summer if you take his overnights.

Good luck with this. I just finished mediation over the holidays. The lawyer/mediatory reiterated the ROFR and he still ignores it.

We do have ROFR and have agreed that if it is only for a couple of hours and not a regularly scheduled thing it is no big deal, but since this is a permanent change I have to look into it.

The thing that gets me is that per our agreement, he knows he has to keep me informed on his work schedule and any changes to it, yet he purposely ignores this and doesn't tell me, claiming he didn't think it was a big deal.

He could switch days, but doesn't want to. He is claiming it is in the interest of stability for the kids, but he is starting a new business and if he is able to keep the placement schedule with the kids as is, with his new work schedule he is able to have a lot more time to pursue his new business. I may be wrong, but from our discussion it sure seemed like this is what he was thinking.

I have asked for a copy of his new work schedule. After I get it I will be better able to see how I want to proceed.

So newly- What became of your mediation? Did he get more time? You have been on my mind.

Take care and God bless!

K

No, he threated to pursue more custody. The mediator/lawyer told him no lawyer in the state would take on his case but he said his would. Recall that we had a psychological evaluation, and he ended up with less time than I offered.
He wanted more time, but wanted me to drive the kids to him so he could have more time.
So, I hope that his lack of follow-through means that he will not pursue this further. I dont' want to spend the time, money or energy. Mediation cost about $800 each, just to get a holiday schedule.

I think for some X's they will always just do as they wish, and won't put the kids first. Selfish behavior, and that's why we are divorced. Thank God!

I agree with you. The children should be with a parent, and not a stepparent, first. If you are not OK with the arrangement you need to pursue it, or switch something.
Good Luck.

Oh, and I'm back in the dating pool, so that's another hit to my self-esteem. So far, one nice date but no phone call. I'm too old for this stuff.

I hope you are doing well.

At least you live in a state that recognizes what he is doing. I am happy to hear that they saw him for what he is. I think WI is far too pro 50/50 and overlooks a lot of things to achieve it.

We will see where this takes us. I am hoping to find a peaceful resolution.

Oh the dating pool. What I wouldn't do to be happily married. Some of my married friends yearn for the excitement of dating, not me! On the other hand, when it is meant to be it will happen. Hang in there!

Take care and God bless!
K

Still,

I'm sorry you are dealing with this issue yet again.

To me the whole idea of the kids spending time with their father was to BE with their father.
I would think that he would understand this.
My girls would not want to be spending time with step mother if their dad wasn't there. It seems to me to defeat the whole purpose of visitation. I would think if anything, he would try to switch you another day, so that he could have time with them.

Thinking of you.
K!

SR, I think my state is more 50/50, it's just that the evaluator & mediator (and judge) could see right through him.
It is frustrating. Really look at your life and think about how much time you really want.
As always, it could be about CS, and if it is and you are comfortable not asking for more money, ask X for a trial period where you have the kids on that night instead. If after a period, everyone is comfortable with the sitch, then switch things.

Still haven't decided how we are going to proceed with this new schedule change. If we were to keep time the way it is it would mean switching one night a week. XH says he is willing to do this, but it means messing with the kids schedules and they have all been doing so well that I hate to mess with them. So for now we are watching how it goes and keeping track of things. If there are problems, we will change.

newly - I hear all about the woes of re-entering the dating game. Just remember that there are many fish in the sea and you yourself are a great catch! Until the right one comes along, have fun and enjoy your wonderful life, you are so worth it! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Anything new and exciting with anyone? Any big plans for the weekend? Nothing here at the moment. We have another basketball tournament this weekend and I have to get our tree up and decorated too! There is just never enough time!

Have a great weekend!

Take care and God bless!

K

PS- Has there been any disclosure of the K's?

We had a snow day at work today, and the kids are off school. I think I shoveled for 3 hours total. I'm thinking Santa should go out shopping and buy me a snowblower for Christmas. I thought I could handle it, but my muscles are aching.

And, I'm preparing for a Christmas Craft party for my kids tomorrow. I invite both classes and miscellaneous friends, so I think I have about 22-26 girls coming over tomorrow.
This was one of those ways to establish "traditions" for my girls. tHis is our fourth annual. So tomorrow, my house will be filled with glitter, glue, icing and girls.
It should be fun, and messy.

I hope you can work the schedule out.

I have to laugh. My X made a big deal about my DD's diet in Oct. 2004. He got recommendations to see a nutritionist. Well, he finally made the appt. for next Friday, on my time. It only took him 14 months. (OK, so I'm hoping his lack of follow through works in my favor for his custody threats too).

Your a good Mom Newly!

Sounds like a nice tradition.
What are you making??

Can you tell me more about your daughter? Is her issue health related? Curious.

And Newly, did your xbf ever contact you after the talk? I have always wondered if he just dropped it, or what happened.

Nothing new with me Still. No news to share, no weekend plans. I have had my girls the past 3 weekends, so tonight I'm having a margarita and rented Mr&Mrs Smith.

No disclosure yet on the K's!

K!

Hey ladies-

I hope you all had wonderful weekends. Mine was spent at a basketball tournament for my oldest, and decorating for Christmas.

newly- How was the decorating party? I thought of you as my kids ripped into all our decorations this weekend and made plenty of their own.

On the other hand, I am contemplating a break up. It's like we have so many great things, but we can never get in a groove and always come back to the same issues. So much for Happy Holidays!

Take care and God bless!

K

I don't like reading this Still.

What's going on?
I hate it for you, but you know best & what you're feeling.

Yes Newly, tell us about the girlie party.

My weekend was pretty good. Nothing real exciting. Went to lunch and dinner with two different girl friends. Life is quiet, and I've learned that quiet is not such an awful thing.

Take care,
Karona

I don't know. I am beginning to think there is more to it with him. He is really wonderful most of the time, but he refuses to see any point other than his own. Therefore, when we disagree it always gets blown out of proportions.

Another thing is he is extremely possessive. He wants to be together all of the time. He is understanding when I have the kids and either does stuff with us or lets us have our time, but when I don't have my kids he wants to be together all the time. I have no time for myself. If I do get the time he is constantly calling, whether I am out with friends or simply at home alone. It is nutty.

I feel like I need some time and space to reevaluate, yet I can't seem to stay away from him.

I don't like this. When will life get easier?

Thanks for caring.

Take care and God bless!
K

"When will life get easier?"
When we are happy with ourselves?

I see red flags in your post about him. We've all settled in the past, we know better now. A question SR. What do your friends think of him? Ask them the truth. You'll get a good judgement.

I haven't heard from BF and am still amazed at the relief I feel from ending it. My friends and co-workers were at the "its about time" stage. So, as I suspected, there was nothing there. I don't even know his address to mail a christmas card or his sweatshirt back to him. Oh well.

The craft party had 25 screaming girls and about 7 parents stayed - thankfully. Either the girls made tons of crafts, or they got caught up in the "drama". The high school girls I hire laughed about all of the "drama". As in, who is friends with who, and we don't want to be in the same room as her. Next year, it will be far smaller. I went through my secondary stashes of crafts too. They blew through 36 votive candles, 32 gingerbread men, and many more foam crafts and Christmas cards in record time.
Now, at the end, my 6 YO decided to put some candy in her ears. Little sugar balls to decorate the gingerbread men.
My friends tried to get it out, but for eyes & ears, I go to the doctor. So off we trotted to the urgent care center, and the doctor quickly removed the candy, and other sugar attached to it, numbed the ear and we went home. The friends and HS girls stayed to clean up. Then off we went to our church pot luck dinner. All day at church yesterday too for special events.
Every parent at the party thought I was nuts, but enjoyed doing the crafts with the girls (just not in their house). This year I eliminated two very messy crafts (and the kids don't forget).

About the nutritionist, there's absolutely nothing wrong with my daughter. Her father is psycho. I think his GF is into healthy foods, so he thinks the kids should eat better and criticizes what I feed them. At one point, an occupational therapist suggested flaxseed oil (at x's prodding) for borderline ADHD issues, but not bad enough to do anything about. So X decided both kids should get Cod Liver Oil, and promptly bought me a bottle to give them. Apparently, flaxseed oil tastes horrible and cod liver oil is more palatable.
OK, so I don't give them this stuff. I feed my kids well, and if we go to McDonald's occasionally (once every 2 weeks) it won't kill them. Now, X complains about what I feed them (yes, he did it again with the mediator), yet I hear he takes them out for pizza and other crap. So, he believes in this "diet" when it is convenient. It got to the point that my DD said she wasn't allowed to eat eggs unless they were from her chickens - other eggs were bad. My peanut butter is bad.
I think he's gone off the deep end. I'm my emotional rope to save him broke long ago.
So, off we go to the nutritionist on Friday. And yet, he still hasn't responded to my request for a meeting with DD's counselor regarding divorce questions. Funny, isn't it. Too much energy wasted.

My Christmas energy bank is now depleted. Have a great week ladies. I'm still nursing my sore back from 3 hours of shoveling. I'm asking santa for a snowblower.

Oh gosh, this is eerie familiar Still. That was my xbf. I really think it comes down to the that are lonely. Mine didn't have kids either. He was alone all the time. So, when I had free time, he couldn't understand why I wouldn't want to spend it all with him.
It drove me crazy because I felt I was being pulled apart either by my kids or him, and no time to gather myself together.
He also called me ALL the time. It was flattering at first, and then it became annoying sometimes, other times, I still appreciated it, because it was opposite of xh.

I know what you mean by not being able to stay away. If my xbf wouldn't have replaced me, I probably wouldn't have been strong enough to break it off completely. He did the dirty work for me in the end, and put an end to all of my indecision.

I will be thinking of you, and always around if you need anything.

K!

[color:"blue"]Yup - they are lonely. BF was fine as long as all his friends were unattached and young enough to party all the time. He created the perfect party palace to let them all come over and hang out all the time.

He calls all the time and is bothered if I am not readily available. I have gradually started to need to pull back some of my own time and I see that it has made him a little more aware of the responsibilies I neglected before in order to spend more time with him.

One kind of weird thing. He wants to get stand up arcade games to put in what was his dance floor area. Plus a 7 or 8 foot air hockey table. I asked him who would play with all that stuff (are his 40 something friends going to be interested in that? or us?). I see a pattern of old behavior creeping in. Instead of creating the party palace, maybe now he is attempting a kid palace? He said it would entertain my boys when they came over.

Some might look at it as sweet that he is attempting to create a kid haven? I guess I'm just suspicious enough to be wary that he is pursuing his desire for me and the kids to move into his house. Or at least be there all the time hanging out.

I can't do that and get my laundry, grocery shopping, and small repairs done at my own place...

V.[/color]

You ladies raise some valid points. There are some red flags and I am trying to see if they are things that can be worked out or not.

The time is a serious thing. I try to remember what it was like to not have four kids and be pulled in 100 different directions. To have nobody but yourself to be accountable and the responsibility that goes with that. It must be lonely, almost boring. The question is how do you get two people who have opposite lifestyles to understand and have empathy for eachother? It stinks because he is also free to pursue his guy stuff when I have the kids, when my girl time is limited to my days away from the kids, it is nothing against him, I just only have so much time.

The possesiveness really gets to me too. I am and always have been totally faithful to everyone I have ever been involved with. There is no reason to doubt me or worry. UGH! I think this may be an age thing, because I have really mellowed in this area myself over the years and he is nine years younger than me, but the whole insecurity thing just gets me.

I don't know, we'll see. We had busy weekends and weren't going to see each other at all, but ended up talking and seeing each other on both Saturday and Sunday. So far today we have been e-mailing and it has been very upbeat.

I have asked my friends what they think of him and they are all over the place. Most of them recognize that he has both positives and negatives. One friend totally despises him, but I think it is more of a jealously thing.

newly- You are either nuts or a saint. I always love it when groups of girls get together, it is so different than boys! Loud too! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Thanks for the insights. Keep them coming!

Take care and God bless!

K

I know I'm not a saint, and I did marry my X, so I must be nuts;)

I wrote this elsewhere.
"Since I just joined match again, my friend challenged me not to accept dates from people who hadn't been married (or at least not been in a long term committed relationship) or who didn't understand what it means to date someone with children. I think she may have something here. "

You are too funny! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> Sometimes chaos is fun though! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Your friend has a good point. My BF actually was married, for just under three years. I personally think they were very different and had too many separate agendas. They had no kids either and when push came to shove they went their separate ways. I honestly believe that parenthood changes your perspectives on so many things. He wants kids, but until he has them...

Take care and God bless!
K