I confronted my husband who was having an affair Aug of 2004. When he started the affair he had intended to divorce me but when he contacted a lawyer he found out how expensive it would be for him and decided against it. When I confronted him, he said he would stop but a month later there was evidance it was still going on. I got him to write an no contact letter which our pastor delivered. He sais she wouldn't have anything to do with him any more after that.

In the last year I have dragged him reluctantly through recovery. He wants what he wants and I have to fight for anything I need or want. He has not done anything willingly to restore our marriage. By Aug. of this year I was exausted and ready to quit all together.

In Jan. we went to a Marriage Builders weekend. I've had to drag my H through the lessons of course too and most of them I would settle for a little effort instead of commitment. Dr. Harley has been working with us personally for the last month in phone conversations. So far I do not see any improvement, in fact the tension is even higher and my husband is giving less and less. I don't know if my H is seeing someone now or not. We havn't made love since Aug. I am repulsed by any advance he makes for sex. I don't feel loved nor do I trust him. Dr. Harley and I have tried to coach him on how to show me that he does love me, if he does. He refuses to even try. I also don't want to make love again till he has a lie detector test. If he has had another affair our marriage is over.

I am so sorry Rb - if he will not even try the there is nothing I know of to make him. You can not amke him love you. Does he even talk to you? What does Dr. Harley say about how long you should give him? I think I would prepare myself for a new life.

Just curious, Have you read Tough Love by James Dobson?

RB, when I told my ex-mother-in-law her daughter and I were divorcing, she said something that has stayed with me through the years. Her immediate comment was "you can't love someone who doesn't want to be loved." I realized instantly she knew her daughter so very well. I think she’d have said the same thing about your husband.

It looks to me like your spouse has been withdrawing for a long time now and you would be less than human if you didn't react to that withdrawal. I don't know if you have any children or other entanglements, but it seems to me it's time to start protecting yourself and the assets you need to take away from the marriage for life after divorce. You can only try for so long. Very sad, but entirely necessary. My thoughts are with you.