Dear Friends,

My wife is fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be something akin to "Well, I have out done myself once again." No doubt you will see this true story chronicled in a Life Time movie in the near future. Here goes.

Last weekend I spied something at the Pawn shop that tickled my fancy. (Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily tickled.) I bought something really cool for my wife. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my sweet girl.

What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer gun with a clip. For those of you who are not familiar with this product, it is a less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed to incapacitate an assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low amperage electricity while you flee to safety. The effects are supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety. You simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb tattooed assailant, push the button, and it will render him a slobbering, goggle-eyed, muscle-twitching, whimpering, pencil-neck geek. If you've never seen one of these things in action, then you're truly missing out-way too cool!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was so disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don't need no stinkin' directions), I found much to my chagrin that this particular model would not create an arch between the prongs. How disappointing! I do love fire for effect. I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and pressed it against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to. I did so. Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arch of electricity, and a loud pop!!!
Yipeeeeee . I'm easily amused, just for your information, but I have yet to explain to her what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, etc., etc. There I sat in my recliner, my dog looking on intently (trusting little soul), reading the directions (that would be me, not the dog) and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target. I must admit I thought about zapping the dog for a fraction of a second and thought better of it. She is such a sweet pup, after all. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
Was I wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to me at the time. So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

All the while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries) thinking to myself, "no friggin' way!" Friggin' way!! - trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself.

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. Those of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what followed. I'm sitting there alone, the dog looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it buddy," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad (sound, rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't you agree?). I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the ****** of it. (Note: You know, a bad decision is like hindsight-- always twenty-twenty. It is so obvious that it was a bad decision after the fact, even though it seemed so right at the time. Don't ya hate that?)

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY *********!!!! I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position. The dog was standing over me making sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"

(Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You're not going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. Then, if you're lucky, you won't dislodge one of the prongs 1/4" deep in your thigh like yours truly.)

SON-OF-A-***** that hurt! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both titties were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. give or take an ounce or two, I'm pretty sure. By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they ran away. I'm offering a reward. They're round, rather large.
Miss 'em .... sure would like to get'em back


After a certain age, if you don't wake aching in every joint, you are probably dead.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

nobel prize nomination?

Ask, I'm laughing so hard OUT LOUD that my kids are wondering what's going on. I think I may have wet myself!!

THANK YOU for the laugh!!! Now for heaven's sake, put that thing away before you hurt yourself!!!

OMG - I am crying, had to run to bathroom. I am laughing so hard. I have to share this with friends.

AskME,

Were they DURACELL batteries? They might be interested in doing a commercial with a 'real live report'... too funny!

Thanks for sharing... and if I see some lost testicles I'll know who they belong to!

somehow this reminds me of the darwin awards

http://www.darwinawards.com/

if you had not survived ... I would have nominated you to be installed in the darwin award hall of fame !!!!

Classic. People at my work are wondering what I'm laughing about.

BTW - I recently saw two testicles at the bus stop. Overheard them talking about trying to get as far away from their owner as possible. They're headed towards Toronto.

This is waaay 2 funny!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

The scary thing??!?!? We are about the same age?!?!? YIKES!!!

What an idea! Wonder if the WS' got that shock while they were a WS, what w/b the results!?!?!?! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

L.

LOL - I laughed so hard I think I pulled something!

I've got to know. What did your wife say???

Hey twitchy:

your a FWH and you want to put that weapon in your wifes hands....brave man. On second thought, where can i get me one. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Bwahahahahaha!!!!!!!

Taser:
The perfect gift for the W/S. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

this story is already on the internet

FYI <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

& I thought that the cattle prod was a pain! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

WAAAAHAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!

I needed this story!! Wish I had been a fly on the wall to see that one!!

Hope your o.k. btw. & we are all having a good laugh at your expense!!! How inconsiderate of us!!

Kim

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

APB . . . Attention all units: please be on the lookout for one set of rather large, round testicles. Last seen they were resting comfortably before being wrenched out of owner's shorts. Motive unknown.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Askme I have a question for you...

Ok, ASKME a question.....

Askme,

Howa' doing? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

L.

(Note: You know, a bad decision is like hindsight-- always twenty-twenty. It is so obvious that it was a bad decision after the fact, even though it seemed so right at the time. Don't ya hate that?)

Well.....at least you know it works!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I'm doing great! Just working away at my desk.