Just a ramble or vent - so move on if ya don't want to hear it lol

WHY AM I SO ANGRY???

Right now - I don't know if it's a lack of sleep (kids have been ill) or what - but I find myself thinking of my H's actions alot - I had been so good at refocusing, I was barely triggering each day and right now I feel like no matter how hard I refocus, the thoughts linger - I feel like I am obsessing while I know I am not. and I am ANGRY.

Then I get MAD at being ANGRY - cause I don't feel I have any right to be ANGRY since his actions are no worse or better than mine...in fact...it was my A that caused the domino effect so if I am going to be angry I should be angry at myself again...

Then i do get angry at myself for every starting this mess we got into - even though we have climbed out and are getting ahead and things are better...I am so angry at myself for not coping well, for getting involved with OM and having an affair, angry at Husband for leaving and being with HER, and not trying to work on things when i was willing to do and put up with anything during my personal recovery to make thing work...angry that I put up with all of that emotional abuse when all he did was have an A and leave...

Then I get sad, and relieved that atleast he figured things out and what he wanted and came back, and that we are eachothers last choices.

I don't want to be angry...why am I angry?

Dorry

Stop beating yourself up. I have a question for you, have you forgiven yourself for what you did? You are not alone in feeling the anger, i too have been feeling this lately (6 months in recovery). I have noticed a different tone to your posts lately and am concerned, my prayers are with you. As a BS it would be easy for me to say that it is your fault that your H had an A, but for some reason, it really bothers me when you say this, he is responsible for his actions...lots of BS feel the same hurt he did and didn't go out and have an A. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT!!!!!! You are responsible for what you did not what he did.

I thought I had forgiven myself...but a fight with H a week or two ago made me rethink things.

I have been talking to God alot...I know that God has forgiven me, and I need to forgive myself...and I thought I had, but now I wonder some days if I truly have forgiven myself...or just convinced myself to fogive myself.

I think H still blames me for alot of his actions...even though shortly after his A he said he didn't...or perhaps he was just lashing out in the heat of our conversation - as he did say the next day he was sorry about the night before - that he had said more than he meant to and things he didn't mean to say...so i dont know.

Then I started to think - maybe his A really was all my fault - after all - he wouldn't have been in such a negative spiral if it wasn't for my domino effect...then that's why I realize I haven't forgiven myself...

It's harder to forgive yourself when you keep taking all the blame...

I don't know what's up with me. - maybe it's that 6 month mark as a BS, and the one year mark of being a WS combined? Leading to lots of odd emotions...

I just keep reminding myself how grateful I am that this is this year now and not last year...that the past IS the past, and we can only look forward, and we do have a great future ahead of us..

Dorry

I wish I had words of wisdom that would help, but I don't so just sending you more {{{{{{{ D }}}}}}}.

Maybe we all have to heal in our own time, not someone else's time frame. Try to see what was the best thing that happened to you today & write it down every day.
I loose focus alot also, but I'm the only one that is feeling my pain.

I must start again to concentrate only on the good things that are happening to me NOW.

Take Care

Eyes Opened

Dorry -

The saddest thing here are FWS's (and it seems especially true with women) that feel like they are never forgiven. I've watched it for a long time here.

At some point, the past is the past, and it should be buried. It stabs me in the heart to see women here going over and over their mistakes.

Everyone who has turned their life around deserves to start over with a clean slate. It even says in the Bible that your sins will be forgiven, AND NOT EVEN REMEMBERED.

AND NOT EVEN REMEMBERED.

As God forgets....I wish I could forget too. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

And just when I think I'm getting over it, there it is again. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I hope we all feel better soon.

Lady

Hi Dorry,

you are always the first to tell me and so many others to forgive yourself!! but it can be a struggle on some days.

i get angry sometimes, it's just another way of me having a pity party though, "IT"S NOT FAIR!!!" i want to scream. does me no good though.

so you are having a harder time right now. it's ok to have a harder time sometimes. the trick is to learn how to cope, learn how to comfort yourself. what can you do for dorry tonight.

soak in a tub?

put on a candle and some nice music and veg with a sudoku puzzle?

read a book?

TAKE A NAP!!!!

have you shared all of this with your H? of course first tell him what he could do to help. just be there to listen? give you extra hugs? give you reassurance.

you are needing something Dorry, what is it? figure it out and i bet you will make those angry feelings go away

do you sudoku??????

I recently asked my FWH if he has forgiven himself, and he said "no why would he". This saddened me. I understand his guilt in what he did, and I am at fault for making it still fresh sometimes, but I really want him to free himself and forgive himself. Just as it does us no good in me "punishing" him for what happened it does him no good "punishing" himself.

What is it that is currently happening in your life that is creating these renewed feelings of anger? A trigger, the weather, the holiday.....search in yourself and redescover what you did to free yourself before. Don't beat yourself up for having these feelings, sit with it feel it and let it go...Hmmmm i think i should be taking this advice myself.

{{{{{{{{{{dorry}}}}}}}}}}}}

hey dorry....

Here is a hug <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.....{{{{{{{dorry}}}}}}}}, I know you can use one in this cold.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Hey, I really don't know what to say....don't got any experience in what you are dealing with.....recovery is a lot of work and it seems like you are having a tough day....don't be so hard on yourself....

Daisy

Dorry, I wish it were a better day for you. (((((DORRY)))))

{{Dorry}}, any better today?

Dorry,

Sorry to chime in so late on this topic but I wanted to make sure I worded this correctly for you. You have helped me in so many ways in the past, whether directly or indirectly, that I wanted to try the same for you.

Remaining angry is a sign that you are dwelling on something. One of the BEST things my IC ever had me do was to create an anger journal. This journal would be used to express any negative thoughts or feelings. It helps put things into perspective and, if necessary, you can look back on this journal to see if you have made any progress or if you still need to address something in particular.

When you become angry and you don’t have the proper outlet, not just any outlet, but the proper outlet, your mind can become consumed and the thoughts become more intense and concentrated. This can also lead to irrational thoughts or behavior which, as you know, can lead to potential LB’ing. It’s like spinning your wheels in mud and never gaining the required traction you need.

By writing down these feelings it gives your mind momentum and the ability to move forward with your thoughts. You can become more focused on WHAT you are angry about and how to resolve the problem rather than just being angry. By writing all of these negative feelings it is like watering down the “well of anger” so it becomes less potent. Thinking clearly is essential in these times if we are to have a successful recovery.

One more note… do not type these negative feelings using your trusty keyboard. Write these down with pen and paper. It requires additional physical exertion, as well as both sides of the brain, and it will almost feel like the words are flowing from your soul. Think about it, when was the last time you actually wrote PAGES of anything in one sitting? Most people would probably say that it was during school. I wrote 8 pages my first time and was emotionally exhausted (as well as having serious hand-cramps) by the time I was finished. Basically, my mind just finished running a marathon and all I wanted to do was not think afterwards.

Towards the end of my first journal (I have more than one) I found I was no longer consumed with anger on certain topics. I no longer wanted to keep this journal because it felt like it was preventing me from moving forward with recovery. I brought it to my IC and asked if he wanted it. He told me that if I really felt that way then the best thing I could do was to destroy the journal. Not just throw it away, but burn it, tear it up, shred it, anything. Make sure you feel like you are part of the destruction that caused you so much pain.

So, whenever you feel like you are drinking from the well of anger, try writing down your thoughts and see what happens.

Dorry

I have not been been around to long lately - Mikey and now Lisa & Tom have been keeping very busy so I dont get much time on the PC these days.

I too as you know have been working so hard on forgiving myself but still find myself at times thinking in endless circles 'if only I did this or that" ...I'm not sure if I'll ever not think that way. Maybe I shouldn't.

But Dorry what we both must do is not allow it to dominate our thoughts and behaviour. Thats so hard. The tendency is to accept the blame for many things because 'we deserve it" ....thats what we tell ourselves ...... perhaps subconsciously.

The answer? Not sure there is one but time allowing us to put it in perspective and allow the wounds to heal over in our husbands & ourselves.

hugs [[[[[[Dorry]]]]]] we will get there one day God willing

Thanks everyone,

Still struggling - but not as bad. I am sure I will get back to where I need to be soon. Doing alot of one on one time with God. Been so busy with sick kids, work, etc...

You are right AW...we do have that tendency to say I deserve it, and put up with alot...and take blame even when maybe we shouldn't. It's hard not to.

But I like who I am today - i am not who I was...I just sometimes have a hard time forgiving myself for ever being that person...For months I was doing fine - truly had let go, forgiven...but i guess I got weak and the devil planted some seedlings...making me doubt myself again...gotta get right with God again...