Ok I gave her the emotional needs questionnair & after her telling me over the weekend things were heading the right direction, here is what she said about the questionnair " I can fill it out but im not sure if I should it might give you a mixed message because Im uncomfortable with affection ect from you right now because I dont have those feelings." here are my questions.

1. do I still have her fill it out & point out what she is uncomfortable with & just focus on what she is comfortable with ? I dont understand she says she wants to work on things & then tie my hands as to what I can do.

2. she has a couple of weeks off comming up should I try to get her to go stay with her parent so she can think things through, the only problem with that is they dont know anything about our situation.

3. keep doing what I have been & give her more time to find herself? it has not really been that long since the end of the affair & NC

any other suggestions?

Cliff

That's pretty close to what my FWW told me. I suggest going ahead and working through the EN questionnaire together, and discussing the results together afterwards.

An idea: Have a look at the recreation questionnaire as well. See if the results suggest to you a good way to spend some of those days off together ...

I suggest going ahead and working through the EN questionnaire together,
That is completely the wrong way to do it.

Fill it out and then discuss & ask questions to clarify after it has been completed.
You should fill it out as you would specifically like these needs to be met.
If your spouse is sitting there, you will much more likely to fill it out considering what they like/don't like.
This is not what the ENQ is about.
In a way, filling it out should be totally selfish and you should think only of yourself and your own needs when you do fill it out.

Im just so lost, im not sure what the right thing to do is. should I ask that she still fill it out if there are things on it that will make her uncomfortable if I try to meet them?

Cliff

tazcliff, the EN questionaire is INDIVIDUAL. It is to be filled out by the individual so that it is an accurate reflection of the INDIVIDUAL's needs regardless of who might be fulfilling and/or meeting those needs.

The subsequent "evaluation" of how our spouse is, or is not, meeting those needs is an assessment of the "marriage" as providing for our spouse's needs and how we are meeting the needs of our spouse. It is an "assessment" tool in the same manner as "following a recipe" results in a "good meal." Leave out enough needed ingredients or steps in the preparation of the meal, and the "Desired" end result will not be met and the meal may be "barely edible, inedible, acceptable, or delicious."

The CHOICE is in the hands of the person attempting to "make the meal," or make the marriage.

God bless.

I understand the principal of it, there are needs that she is not comfortable with me trying to fulfill at this point.
I suggested that she still fill it out & let me know which needs she is comfortable with & which ones I should give her more time with. is this the correct way to handle it?

Cliff

No, it's not the right way to "handle it."

The needs are NOT open to her being "comfortable" with YOU meeting them. They are HER needs that need to be met by SOMEONE. She can "refuse" anyone she wants to, but the needs still exist and will need to be met at some point by someone.

In short, you need to know what IS important to her. There ARE other factors involved in how "meeting a need" is received, as in Sexual Fulfilment. If SF is "high" on the EN list, but there is a problem or distrust of you, you can't meet the SF need at this point in time without your attempt being seen as "selfish" for YOUR needs and not "selfless meeting of her need."

Unless someone is "interested" in the possibility of recovering a marriage (that is currently in disarray), they will not fill out the EN questionaire anyway. To do so would be seen as indicating a "willingness" to attempt recovery and/or and attempt by you to "manipulate" them.

thank you for your advice & input Ill see what happens.


Cliff

That's what I meant (I wasn't too clear in my last post, I admit!). They should do the ENQ individually, but at the same time and then discuss their answers afterwards.