My wife is indignant and has a short attention span. So I need some short phrases to just stand on their own, as requests for Wife to stop cheating.

Proposed Phrases to Wife:

Our marriage is a Train Wreck.

I wish I did not have the feeling that I am in a Half-Open marriage.

Are there any assurances you would like to give me about the future?

Is there any way you can come directly home from work?

You and your son, do not seem to feel I have much value to contribute to the household. So is it your wish that I go join some other household?

I feel that I am part of a cover-up, and there is pressure building inside a can of red point that is going to explode, and spray read paint all over us.

I am feeling foolish, because it seems like there is a curtain in the corner of our bedroom, and there is another man standing behind the curtain.

I think you are playing with dynamite, and you have my back all loaded up with so many bales of hay, that when you put one last straw on the top, you will be surprised that my back will be broken, and there will not be a return flight from nowhere.

feel my devotion to the family is slipping. Is there some reassurance about your devotion to me, that you can say for me?

I feel I am about to risk losing my devotion to the family. I feel it is unfair to keep this secret from the children and grandchildren. I feel they have a right to know how close we are to splitting up. If you can give me some assurances of the future and your feeling of fidelity for our marriage, I am happy to listen.

Ideas?

Senator,

The very first sentence in this post contains two disrespectful judgements right out of the box. Your wife is not a research project....and you are not a coach. These pithy phrases are all disrespectful, parental, and condescending. You don't need a catchy phrase to ask your wife to honor her marriage vows. This should do nicely

*Please come to counseling with me, I've made an appt for us on __________.

Then let a REAL counselor (something you are unsuited to be) help you and your wife sort through the truth and rebuild your marriage. MB is not a do-it-yourself kit. The more you write, the more glaringly obvious that your wife isn't the biggest problem....you are.

Even though this betrayal is posibly the worst thing that has happened in your life you are going to have to make changes in yourself to put the pieces back to gether one way or another. For your wife to want to give up her lover she is going to need to see that it is in her best interest to. Have you examined what her needs are? What needs is the other man meeting that you aren't? Are you willing to start meeting some of those? You must be meeting a few of her needs or she wouldn't still be with you too. Try to keep doing those things too without shoving your assets down her throat. Do you know anything about the other man? What are his weeknesses at meeting her needs?

Remember we are talking about what is important to her, not what is important to you. You will never convince her that she is wrong to value something that you don't value.

Okay, I am going to step into the fray again, even though it seems to be falling on deaf ears. This time, I am going to be very blunt and what I have to say may be offensive. If the moderators ban me, so be it...

Senator, the way you write is offensive. If you talk the way you write, I suspect your wife is VERY put off. Another poster used the word "pseudo-intellectual." Just the way you write is condescending. If you talk to your wife the way you write, no wonder she is looking to someone else to validate her worth as person. You are treating her like a research project. She is a person with her own value, worth and free-will. Your preaching to her, setting up systems she has to follow, forcing her to watch coaching videos (and, yes, I know you think she watches those voluntarily. I suspect she watches them to get you off her back), and trying to change her (instead of changing yourself) is not going to save your marriage. While I don't condone her having an affair, I do suggest that YOU are failing miserably as a husband and you are failing to see it because you are too busy trying to impress everyone with how smart (you think) you are and trying to change them to be something YOU want them to be instead of acknowledging and rejoicing and celebrating their own individuality.

As I have said before, Senator, people who TRULY are smart don't need to impress others with how smart they are - others see it in their works, deeds, and most importantly, how they treat others. Some of the most brilliant people I know (and I do know quite a few as I work in a very research-oriented, highly technical industry - PhD's and other graduate degrees from hallowed institutions like Harvard and Yale are the norm rather than the exception) don't let on that they know much more than you/I do. I suspect from reading your posts for as long as I have now, that your wife has had it with you but likes the comforts of the home you live in and the family you have built. That is not enough, though. She wants to be treated as an equal with valuable thoughts and ideas. Remember, no matter how nicely you say a disrespectful judgment, its still a disrespectful judgment. And if you think your intelligence is important to her or is what she finds so attractive, think again. I have several degrees (including post-graduate). My now XH has none. At first, he found it very impressive and boasted about it to others. Over time, though, he felt intimidated by it and would throw it up in my face. He ultimately left me for a woman who makes roughly $35,000 a year (I significantly more than that) as an assistant manager of a store. She has no education beyond high school. He gave up our 3,000 square foot home and mutliple $35,000 vehicles for a 1500 square foot flat and no vehicle (he eventually bought a motor bike). Long and short, he felt inadequate and sought out someone whom he believed to be his equal. I learned how to treat him and how to talk to him and how to respect him as a person and, lo and behold, we now get along brilliantly and will most likely continue toward reconciliation. This year we will be celebrating Christmas together as a family.

Wake up Senator....you are refusing to acknowledge what is so obvious to many of us here - you need to work on YOU and once she sees YOU changing and treating her better, you won't have to worry about other men or affairs because she will feel valued and respected and want to be with you.

BB

Brit,

Quote:I learned how to treat him and how to talk to him and how to respect him as a person and, lo and behold, we now get along brilliantly and will most likely continue toward reconciliation. This year we will be celebrating Christmas together as a family.


EXCELLENT!!!! Now I can go to sleep.

Short Threadjack:

Hey Cy,

How about those Browns? (Okay, I thought I'd insert some levity here). What in the world are you doing up this late/early? Its 4:12 out there on the left coast and you're just going to bed? Hope it was fun!

BB

Brit,

Can't sleep. Just read your post and I am so happy for your news.

How about being right up front with her? Tell her, "I know you're cheating. Here's my proof. (Insert what evidence you have.) If you value everything we've built in our relationship you'll stop now so we can work on the marriage."

You need to read the sections on exposure and Plans A & B so you can implement them.

Oh...and you won't get better answers on the Loveshack website even if you do change your nick to "Aquarius Guy." That site isn't particularly oriented to saving marriages so be careful about advice you get there.

I think that the real spot on advice here is in a couple of parts...the first, concerning addressing the affair came from Longhorn.

1. Begin by sitting down and confronting your wife point blank with what you have proof of. If you don't have proof, get proof. And then simply tell her you know what's going on, here it is, and now we need to take action to fix the problem.

2. Read up on the MB methodology. Start working through plan A and plan B. Preferably do this before step 1 and in concurrence with step 3.

3. Starfish suggested that you quit trying to work through all of this by yourself, and to seek some professional assistance. Exactly what you should be doing...

4. Try to find the root causes of the issues in your relationship with your wife. BOTH of you have made mistakes in your marriage that created the conditions that support your wife's behavior...time for you to start making changes to make yourself the more attractive choice between you and OM(s).

Update:

I talked to my wife. I told her I wanted to talk to her, and took her to her favorite restaurant. She asked that I talk in the restaurant. I delayed until we were out in my car.

I envisioned, that if she refused to talk, that I would stay out of the home, until she was willing to talk. I had asked her to meet me at the restaurant, so she had her car there, and could have gotten angry and gotten out of my car and driven away.

What seemed to stick from our conversation two days ago, was the light switch concept, that her pushing me away, would put me into another family, and create my disowning my children. That would leave her with substantially less resources to live her dream of having happy children and grandchildren.

So she agreed that Insinuating Infidelity was not a good ploy. She denied recent real infidelity, but admitted trying to make me think she was cheating.

Thanks for the replies. Questions?

Do you have proof of her infidelity?

Dear Melody Lane,

Your question of proof is important from several aspects. Proof is needed if a divorce settlement is being tried or negotiated. Proof is important for me to test my degree of the accuracy of my sense of reality. Disclosing details of proof would make the thread more titillating, and help members willing to give advice, to better understand the realities of my situation.

My primary interest, however, is assessing the future of my marriage. So even if W never cheated before, that does not guarantee that cheating will not occur in the next 5 or 10 years.

W has been playing the fidelity card, that is, deliberately giving me the idea that she was cheating, when she desires to humble me in the middle of some argument or disagreement. I called her bluff last week, and so far, things have been OK.

But it is my feeling of trust in the future, that is of interest to me. I am not interested in a marriage of turmoil. Innuendos have just about the same effect as cheating in reality, in terms of a reduction of comfort with the trust in the marriage.

Thanks for your responsive reply

Senator,

I truly believe I can never cheat on my wife. I have had opportunities and offers over the last 20 years but I made a commitment and as a sufferer of infidelity I made the choice never to make anybody go through that pain. Does that guarantee I will never cheat? No way! It sure reduces the chances but until I am laid to rest there is no guarantee. Even Mother Theresa had her faults!

In the header of your post you say “how do I ask W to stop cheating”. Well, my view is that in such a serious case you don’t “ask” – you demand. When you demand you must have some weight behind your demand. That weight could be negative (stop or I will divorce you) or it could be positive (stop and we will work on our marriage). It can even be a combination of the two. The key is that IF you make a demand and enforce it with weight you have to be ready to commit to the method used.

I agree with the many posters who encourage you to reconsider your attitude to w and our marriage. However – I do believe you are entitled to your wife not sleeping around. Her correct reaction (if you really were a complete a-h) would be to leave you – not sleep around.

You don't ask- you tell. Simple.

BB:

I must say, while I am happy that you are "reconciling" with your XH (I have read your story and am quite shocked, but happy if you are.. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />)....I tend to believe that respect given to people as a common "courtesy" is one thing, but......you know, on second thought forget that thought..... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> I am not interested in getting into this anymore.

Lem <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Hey Lemonman, nice to hear from you!

Not sure that XH's and my path will lead to recovery, but the fact of the matter is I have forgiven him and moved past the anger, and so has he. I now very much realize that what Harley says about MB not working when the person who is having the A is also addicted to something such as alcohol is SO SO very true. My XH is working on remaining sober and "growing up." OW is out of the picture and has been for almost a year now. XH is doing some very hard work at this time and any reconciliation is still several years off, if at all. We are very different people, today, than we were a year and a half ago when we divorced and who knows what that means in the big picture. We get along well enough to parent our son and be kind to each other, which is a good starting point. He still lives on the other side of the pond and his plans are to continue doing so at least for the near term (few years). I continue with my life and take each day at a time. Long and short, though, treating each other with kindness and respect has made a world of difference.

BB

Update:

Thanks for the encouragement to confront myu Wife on the issue of cheating. W has not made cheting innuendos so far.

There is still a lingering undercurrent of less than adequate suport from my wife. Perhaps the Air of cheating.

In the movie OFFICE SPACE, Peter had a girl friend who took a make-wrong attitude. Peter felt his GF was cheating. His friends sensed her cheating from her attitude also.

I have a code word for when my wife starts on a suject that is too embarrassing for me in public. Perhaps I need a code work for when I feel W is in a make-wrong mode or not as supportive as reasonably possible.

Setting up a code word should not be too traumatic.

So to me, simply being technically faithful is not enough. I am asking my wife to avoid innuendos for winning arguments. I am also asking her for more supportive, and less make-wrong, comments to give the impression of fidelity; and avoid the impression of infidelity

Ideas? Carrots? Sticks? Attitude? Principles?