This is my first post to this forum. Please correct me re: etiquettes etc if needed.I would like to check whether I am over reacting or not to this situation as I am quite confused. I have just got hold of some emails that my wife of 2 years and a colleague of hers have been exchanging. They include clear requests for sexual contact from him. My wife appears to have suggested that she did not want this but proceeds to say that she misses him, looks forward to seeing him at work, and that she likes his pretty green eyes. There are clear references from both that they should communicate safely by text messages when I am away etc.My wife now says that this was only "innocent fun " and says she cannot understand what the fuss is about. I know that she has been calling him as soon as I leave the house.
She says she loves me still and so do I. What should my response be?

she is probably in an emotional affair that hasnt gone physical yet. read all you can here on the website about emotional affairs and get the book his needs her needs.

give us a little more info about what is going on...it will help.

Lonely doc,

No, you’re not overreacting and you have reason to feel very concerned. Your W’s behavior is extremely inappropriate and disrespectful towards you and your marriage although she only views it as “innocent fun” at the moment. Your wife is at least involved in an EA (Emotional Affair) and if this don’t stop things can progress to PA (Physical Affair). You have all the warning signs and red flags in the exchanges in e-mail between them. Please read this thread:

15 Steps Of Unfaithfulness

The above thread is very good and explains how betrayal usually starts and cross boundaries from platonic friendship into an inappropriate friendship, from inappropriate friendship into EA and then eventually from EA into PA. It will give you insight and understanding in this process and where your W's "frienship" with this collegue can lead if it's allowed to spin further out of control...

Also take a look at this thread. Make sure you also read all the links on this thread:

Emotional infidelity

Lonely doc, I was involved in an inappropriate friendship/start of EA myself with e-mails, flirting etc. (read my signature line and the link), so I know what I'm talking about... This is serious stuff.

Suzet

Hey Doc,

Welcome to MB.

Your W is posting classic WS symptoms. The sad piece is that there are several from the medical profession posting here. Take a look at Lemonman and Cymanca. Both are doctors whose wives became the WS. Medic is another poster but he doesn't post much on GQII. Then there are several women also in the medical field.

Generally we recommend that you as the BS acquaint yourself with the concepts section above. Read Suriviving an Affair, His needs/Her needs (both r by Dr Harley). When it gets rough, read: Love must be tough (James Dobson).

Get with a good MC or better yet, call Jennifer C @ MB t/d some phone counseling. She will help you get a plan to help you and then help your M.

Right now you need to know that your W is at the very least having an EA. PA is quite likely but it is in the EA where the anger of the WS shows 1st and worst.

Based on the above, you can't teach a WS anything, so don't try. If you do, be prepared to hear a lot of babble (confused, illogical garble) and be prepared t/b hurt, deeply hurt. The WS want to hurt the BS and family. Some even abandon their spouses, children, homes, etc. Other WS' steal from their own families, lie and cheat to enable the A. Even try to get others to support the A by creating lies and rewriting the M history. Pretty hurtful and common WS course.

Knowing this, do the following:

1. Get a good MC/IC or call Jennifer C @ MB for phone counseling.

2. Create your own support group. Don't have to tell all to all but enough so they know how to best support you.

3. Secure your finances. You'd be surprised at what some WS' try t/d.

4. Protect your children and reassure them of your love, honor and commitment to them and for them.

5. Identify your personal buondaries. This one will take time. Give yourself a good assessment also.

6. Learn what plans A & B are, then implement them as needed.

7. Establish your boundaries, implement them. Make sure they are reasonable. Don't be surprised if the WS fights you on this matter by making up some phoney excuses.

Hope this helps.
L.

thanks ladies...i hadnt had coffee yet and wanted him to get a reply.....

yeah---what they said!

Thanks all. I appreciate your response. Times like these you do not feel like speaking even with your good friends for the fear of word getting out.
WS says she would like our marriage to succeed and says she has not been in touch with him. I even have an email from him asking her why she is not speaking to him.
Trouble is she works about 70 miles away from home and frequently had long days so she doesn't come home.(we have no kids) I really want to trust her as I always have but do not want to be the fool in this whole episode. Being taken advantage of hurts quite badly.

If she's doing something that she wouldn't do if you were in her presence, then that's cheating. Let her know this. Request that she stop ALL contact with the OM, and notify him in writing that she wishes for him to cease contacting her, as its not appropriate.

BTW - is the OM married? Still got copies of those e-mails? You might want to start working on your Exposure Plan. After all, if the communication was all "innocent fun" as your W suggested it was, then certainly HIS wife wouldn't mind the content of those e-mails, right? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />.

I certainly understand your feelings. I have been living in this he!! for 6 weeks since I found 4 months worth of "innocent fun" myself on our family computer. It has almost destroyed our marriage and at this point it is uncertain if we will get it back. We are hanging on to a shread of this marriage.

A big part of these EAs is that often the WS feels themselves that they have not "crossed the line" because they did not have sex...YET. However, if they were truely honest with THEMSELVES they know it's wrong because they are sneaking. Hey, if there is nothing wrong with their "friendship" why the need for safe times to call, text message, etc. Right?

The pain of this betrayal and how they deny anything happened is unbearable. You need to stop this is as soon possible.

Lonely doc,

ManInMotion, as well as the others, have given you good advice and I would just like to add that you contact the OM and let him know that you are AWARE of his attempts to have an affair with your W. Affairs are born and thrive on secrecy and once they are exposed to the light of day, their days are usually numbered. The OM's comfort zone will definitely be shattered once he knows that you are aware of his actions and if he's smart he will drop your W like a hot potato.

TMCM

I would add to this that, if you do contact the OM, I suggest that you do NOT threaten to expose his activities to his wife, family, etc. The "Exposure Bomb" works best when there's no advance warning. Just let him know that you have become aware of his activities with your wife, and you want him to stop immediately as it is not appropriate behaviour. You might want your W to sit in on the call to affirm your stance on the matter.

If he then argues it's all innocent fun and he has no intention of stopping, then you know what your next step should be.

Be careful how much you let them know. I went to Wh and told him- before i found this site - he just went darker. If you need to get a key logger for home computer. It will tell you everything she e-mails to him. God help you. This is one of the hardest things I have ever endured. My WH's Ea went on far longer then I had known. If I had found this site I would have been helped to end it long ago. Good luck you are in my thoughts.

bump